I used to talk a lot. I’d do anything to keep the conversation going, to not be alone. If there was a lull, I’d say things like, “really?” or “wow” or “oh,” on and on. A filler. That’s all it was. Filler words had a hidden meaning to them; they begged, on hands and knees, and said, “Keep talking to me I can’t lose you I’d talk my throat dry if it meant you always had something to respond to.”
I’m not scared to lose anyone anymore. I’m only scared of letting the wrong ones in.
People come and people go. If I am the ocean, then I have to be mindful of what floats my way; everything either adds to my ecosystem or tries to destroy it.
It is not so terrifying to be alone, after all, because peace is more important than all else.
To be respected, you must not let anyone disrespect you again, because at the end of the day, the only one you’ll have to answer to is yourself.
To define what exactly it means to be worthy of respect is tricky. You could mention achievements or accolades, popularity, goals attained, money earned, but even that is worthless if you don’t have heart.
Who did you love and why?
Were you brave enough to bare your soul?
Did you protect the innocent or did you step on the good guys as a means to an end?
Did you fight?
Are you still fighting?
Fighting to live, to seek justice, to prosper, to be free?
I deserve the utmost respect because I am a survivor. Because I chose life. Because I will never stop fighting. Because I refuse to just be “alive.” Because I will become life.

(I) Respect Me

R-
E-
S-
P-
E-
C-
T

Who deserves it?

Why me?

I’ll be the first to admit I’ve quit.
And go as far as to confess
what a mess I’ve made.

Because see,

there’s no amount of grit that guarantees
I’ll be met with respect of any degree.

The more I learn the more I’ll earn–
it was only a matter of time
before it’d be my turn.

Or so they said.
Then-convinced, I complied

in the name of getting ahead.

And cliche as it may sound
That was then and this is now.

Presently, I make countless donations
to the cause that is me.

I know now that I don’t need a destination–
what I need is to be free,
let go of expectations.

So I honor this affinity for creation I’ve long felt–
bringing the unimaginable to life through self expression.
I assign meaning–

they meet me–

to the real me.

Some they disagree
in silence.
Others plea–

grounded by old beliefs
like roots of a tree.
But that could never be me.

So how does one get to be respected?
They don’t.

They won’t.

I don’t.
And won’t.

Not unless or until
I am free to be me–
even if they don’t agree.

Tomorrow’s a new day–
another chance.

So, I’ll rest
and the rest
will fall into place.

You see,
self-respect

that’s the key.

It always was and it always will be.

I am worth it.
Why not me?

And now you’ve found out what it means
to me–

why I “deserve” it.

Yes
you’re my family
my partner
my friend
But no—
It’s time I reflect
I don’t allow any disrespect
No thinking you know what’s best
No shaming me for who I choose to be
No condescending comments
No glares in my direction
Don’t even think of crossing me without hesitation
Won’t tolerate any doubts
Those I can live without
Don’t think I’m cold-hearted, that’s not the case
My heart is so big, my love is so deep
But I’ve been hurt before
That only those who respect me
are the ones I’ll keep
My mind, body, and soul is stronger
Cause I’ve healed all that’s hurt
It’s come to fruition that I will not be treated like dirt
I am who I am and my self love is divine
You either come correct or I’ll have you step in line
My energy is too valuable, too precious
I’m the one who got me up out of the trenches
From my tether to the sky to the roots in my feet
From the blood in my veins to my beautiful heartbeat
I’ll give you the best parts of me
It’s the utmost respect that I need
Not just need, but require
Is it not respect from me too that you desire?
I will not command & I will not beg
How you approach me is up to you
The amount of respect you give
shows in all that you do
You can choose how this goes but
it’s with me the path is clear
with me you’re looked after
I’ll give you love, loyalty, and laughter

I’m not a robot
I wasn’t made to spew facts over feelings
I feel freely and deeply
I cannot deny my experiences and my story
I have a story that people may know nothing about
There is no formula or algorithm to predict what and how intense I will feel.
I just do.
So mind what you say and do
Because you’ve never walked a mile in my shoes

I’m not a scarecrow full of stuffing and no brain
I know when I am not being respected
I know when there is not an equal exchange of time, energy, effort, and love being given
I know when love is being withheld.
I have learned the difference between tough love and blatant disrespect under the guise of tough love
My brain on the best of days tells me of my worth
My brain on the worst of days may try to lie to me
But that does not change the truth
And the truth is that I deserve to be invested in
I am worth people’s time, energy, effort, and love.
And I will settle for nothing less.

I’m not a tin woman
I have a heart
It beats, it breaks, it bleeds
It can shatter, it can also be stitched up
It is a treasure
Only those who are worthy of it can hold it
But it shines for all to see
Those who approach it must learn to honor it
For they would want theirs to be received in gentleness and love
Just as I do.

I’m not a cowardly lion anymore.
I have found my courage.
And if you disrespect me you will hear me roar
I will roar loudly and mightily for what I deserve
I will no longer tolerate disrespect
I will be my own hero.

I’m not a lot of things
But I am a human
I am a daughter of the King
I had dignity and worth from the moment of my birth
And that will never change
So regardless of how you perceive me
With the utmost respect is how you should receive me.

A self-inflicting cycle perpetuated by

A cycle

A generational trauma passed on by

A cycle

A repetition of patterns not noticed by

A cycle

A blind eye on poor behavior caused by

A cycle

A need to heal and break the patterns caused by

A cycle

A slip on words dissociated in a traumatic moment by

A cycle

A combination of fight, flight, freeze, fawn caused by

A cycle

A history that needs to be learned and understood to prevent

A cycle

A poem that will one day encourage others to break

A cycle

A reason to show yourself the utmost respect is from

A cycle

A lack of understanding yourself for being trapped in

A cycle

As I learn myself, I realize that I deserve the utmost respect after being caught in,

A cycle

A need to respect myself to not be caught in,
A cycle.

It was Aretha Franklin who once sang about respect. As a matter of fact, she spelled it out in her cover of what was originally an Otis Redding single. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, take out TCB,” her lyrics went.

While singing about respect is easy (and Aretha Franklin’s single is proof of that, as it topped the United States Billboard Hot 100 and Billboard Hot Rhythm and Blues charts upon its 1967 release, along with winning two Grammy Awards), actually getting it is hard stuff. It’s harder still when you have autism like I do.

When I was going to high school, my mother was concerned when I started hanging out with my classmates at the lunch table. She legitimately thought that they were going to poke fun at me because I’m on the spectrum.

Nothing of the sort was ever the case. They respected me and treated me as an equal, including me in the conversation whenever I had something to say.

As I navigated through my college career, I found that earning respect became easier with time. I was a star sports reporter and sports columnist for my school newspaper, winning the respect of my fellow staff and the Youngstown State Sports Information Department.

Upon graduating, I entered into a year filled with uncertainty as to what would happen as far as professional employment went. I thought I nailed down a production assistant’s job at my local CBS affiliate, but as time went on, the dream became unrealized.

Once I started writing about MMA and soccer, I gained the respect of a few MMA promotions and those people working in MLS. Just like I’d done in the past, I earned this respect.

Bottom line: You can’t count on respect being handed out to you like trick-or-treat candy in late October. Sometimes, you have to earn it yourself.

She

She no longer respected herself
She let others discard her
She let others opinions matter more to her than her own
She let the opinions of others chip away at her until she longer recognized herself
She realized she had given away her respect over & over again
She masked self-inflicted jokes against herself to deflect her own inner tension building
She welcomed others to portray her in ways that were unauthentic to who she really was
She lost her ability to fight for her own self respect

She knew deep down inside of her something didn’t feel quite right
She knew that deserved better from others
She knew she needed to demand for better for herself
She knew that it was time to strip away all of her insecurities and get to her inner most raw self

She knew what she had to do, but she was scared
She was ready, but she made excuses because her fear was intensifying!
She requested at first that her self respect be a priority
She was denied, again & again
She then demanded she be heard
She again was denied & this time with a threat thrown down at her!
She felt she had been muted by others & the pain she felt became unexpected

She felt a burning sensation start to grow within herself
She could no longer be quiet about her needs & her desires
She felt her whole world explode in one moment
She set fire to the accelerant that was her own broken self
She then put out the fire and knew it was time to rebuild

She knew she had lessons she had to learned here, or she would be doomed to repeat them
She decided to learn a new way to conduct herself
She felt something different in the way she saw everyone and everything around her
She started to change
She started to sprout
She started to grow & grow until her roots became strong
She then bloomed into a new someone that the old someone would never recognize

She demanded respect and in fact invited that respect and uninvited anything beneath that
She only allowed respect for others to come from her
She only invited respect from others to come to her
She finally, understood what it meant to be deserving of the upmost respect
She finally, felt settled into herself

I am she.

Sarah Ludlum