To that boy there near the school swing,
Head deep in that Dictionary,
Reading, to his Apex, new things,
Like there’s no nearby Library.
Just keep on learning new words,their feature,
Cuz they will be of use in the future.

In ten years in different country; at a loss for words,
New School, New Clothes; New Jersey with shoes on an Old Bridge,
O-hi, o-low you go through the corn state forward,
Oh crap, I’ve used too much words; lets keep it abridged,
The words you’ve read you’ll share with the rest of the world.
Don’t fret about tomorrow, just stay out of the fridge.

You have dreams that you think constantly about,
Hoping spontaneity is something you live out.
You meditate on the future,
To the point you drive yourself into a stupor.
You can’t think straight,
Because your worries have a heavy weight.
Everyday you strive to your goals,
And everyday the finishing line continues to roll.
You take a step, and your feet are caught in a web.
You fall, you stumble, you choke, you croak.
You scream, you cry, you moan, you whine.
You stress about all the things that could go wrong,
Not knowing that if you just go, it won’t be long.
You have to walk through the fire and bathe in the dirt.
Sleep in the woods and wear the same shirt.
The journey is hard and tiresome too,
But if you keep going I know what God will show you.
He will show you what he can do for you,
He will grow flowers everywhere it hurts, too.
Cleanse the dirt from your life,
And make you as sharp as the edge of a knife.
You have dreams that you think about constantly,
& if you trust in Him he will deliver you from this economy.
“Seek the Kingdom of God and all things will be added to you.”
This verse is why your worries should be few.
Focus on the journey and forget the stress.
Skip through daisies and think less.
Your going to make it to the finishing line, I know that for sure.
Remember to live in the moment and never let life become a blur.

The coo of a dove,
gently wakes me from my slumber,
I dreamt of laying near a babbling brook,
accompanied by a good book,
hoping the right direction is hidden somewhere in these pages.
The morning light,
lightly lifted my eye lids
asking me:
“Hey, are u ready to start the day?”
A day where the only demands needing to be met,
are that of being a good father .
That sounds like so much fun!
We can build a fort,
we can go to the park and run.
Then I remember the problems
I tried to pin inbetween
prelude and the exodus,
they started to seep out of the page.
My son’s laughter met my anxiety outside and said
“not today!”
What it did allow-
was a welcoming thought,
for me to be a kid again.
Watching him live his life with so much joy,
Made me realize that
I needed to heal my inner boy.

The current cacophony
currently singing through water,
opened the valves of my heart so my younger self and my son can play together.

“A Dream by the River.”

The Sunlight was very jealous of our smiles,
The Breeze stopped for a second
to enjoy our laughter,
The Grass welcomed the
weight of our weightlesness,
It felt our heartbeat with every step,
then we layed down and became blades of grass ourselves.
My son safely nestled next to me and we dozed off…

DEAR UNSEALED,
My ‘comfy peace zone
Is being alone,
Or with a friend
At the beach
As to reach
Out my hand to touch the wave,
To breathe at air, catch the wave,
With my toes embedded in the sand
As I walk in the forever beach land
I breathe in the positive icons of the ocean,
as they are a magic potion
of supernatural omnipotence of life
the life
of humans and all living creatures as they crawl
and walk, sleep, produce and create,
call
out to me,
“Come out to me, Vicki Lawana!”
I regroup at the beach,
Of which
It is a quiet place for prayer, solitude and throwing out
Negative icons to the breeze,
To the wind, the universe of time and space.
This is the case
Of confessions to the sea
From many stories of love, heartache, tears, joy
And laughter of past present and future to be
I look out at the ocean blue.
Listen to the seagulls too.
Although other humans are here
I have created a tiny little sphere
Of the atmosphere
Of light around my space
I sigh a bit.
I remember my youth days,
the 2am night drives to Malibu
Parking my car feeling blue
A romance gone awry, adrift, and away,
As I step out my car
Into the parking lot
In my special spot
I sigh.
Cause now I say, “No worries!”
All thoughts of grief & heartache
Dissipate
Into the ocean blue
Throwing my cares to the waves, the salty air
Of time & space
Not a waste
But a taste of salt and minerals seeping
Through my toes radiating through my whole body
Creating a flow of the case
Of joy and time & space reality
Of no more grief
Cause I feel the ocean spray
On my face
On my body
As I sink my barefoot toes in the sand
Of this LA land.
This is still my ‘comfy zone,
As it my time alone
To pray, to say
I am okay.

Dearest sweet, young self,

Take a deep breath, relax, and trust.

Ease your mind about what’s to come.

I say that not because everything turns out fabulously, beautifully, better than you could have ever expected. Rather, I say it because worrying about your future is an exercise in utter futility. Whether you worry or you don’t won’t change a thing, other than how you experience your current life. My darling, please don’t rob yourself of your present.

I know that’s elusive advice to heed right now, so let me ask you this: why are you fretting about money when fretting about money makes you no money? Either do something to make yourself more money, or don’t. Why are you worried about being single when worrying about it makes you no less single, just more sad? Spinning your wheels of fright solves nothing.

Here’s a secret you’ll soon learn: a worry is nothing but poorly allocated creative energy. It’s pouring fresh, fragrant imaginative juices down a non-functional well. Every worry is a story. You, my darling, are a masterful storyteller.

Right now, you use your storytelling to paint bleak scenarios in your mind – with exquisite detail – about the potential pitfalls of your future. I’m here to tell you, you can use that creative energy to craft stories which inspire, uplift, and entertain – not stories which give you ulcers and anxiety.

All that time spent wondering if it will all turn out okay doesn’t actually make it turn out okay. Enjoying yourself and following your passion makes it all turn out okay. Spoiler alert: you won’t give up on yourself. Remember that little spark of imaginative passion that enthralled you as a child? It won’t go away. Rather, it will grow. You will feed it until the flame engulfs you, in the best way.

I would love to write you and say, “get excited, because all your dreams come true!”. In all sincerity, though, things will turn out…differently…than you imagine now. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, you will become the person you’ve always wanted to be. You will show up in the world in a way that will wow you. What’s more, you will learn to trust that this path is your correct path. Don’t try to write your future, darling, because a greater Author is already hard at work. What you can do is write your own experience of it. Life isn’t what happens to you, it’s your relationship to what happens to you. Choose your relationship to time, to your fears, to your past, to your career, to your hopes, wishes, and wants. Relate to your future as your ally, not some malefic, frightening unknown.

You’re going to learn lessons and grapple conundrums you never would have imagined, but you don’t even need to think about that now. Focus on what is. Savor every moment. Trust the future will arrive one way or another – because it will. Whether you love it or not is completely up to you*.

Love,
Your future self

*(FYI: you do!)

I invented a new season for life because I got tired of the winter spring summer fall pattern
My paisley doesn’t like to conform to the depression of polka dots only on the pocket square and not the entire outfit
Where’s the art in the plain white t?
I see the aesthetic, but I want the screaming art to argue with my calm voice
It’s the beauty in the pain that you can’t see until the scars have enough time to grow wings
I used to feel most at peace listening to music on my bed as a haunting sleep would close my eyes
I used to feel most at peace under the dim lights of cinema pumping hope into my veins where I had blood run free
I used to feel most at peace on the solidarity of solo ventures between the court and I
It would hum deathly echoes like lullaby’s to my heart
This trinity became my medical addiction as pride got in the way of God
Then over the years my coffee finally became cold, and I missed the warmth of summer
I could smell my own toxicity deeply rooted and swallowing my faith
So, I questioned myself through the tears, I marked the points of pain with my pen, and dug up the weeds I planted and reaped
This time I will sow truth within the uncomfortable moments
Because in this season until forever I’m most at peace on the grounds of the earthquake
Knowing that I can’t move forward unless I shake things up
Staying in a comfortable pattern only leads to a broken record repeating the line you hate to hear
You are meant to break records
p.s. peace is born in the growth of pain…

I’m currently 13 and the only thing that makes sense is sadness
So, to cope I like to hear melodies caress my ears because I’m too damaged to hug myself
Then I’ll let my pen tell stories of love and horror for the simple fact that I’m afraid to love myself away from depression
I get the impression that an early death is the only way to escape to peace
But I’m afraid so for the time being I’ll clean my room since I can’t find the energy to organize my life
I just found an extra cassette tape in my music collection next to the pile of CD’s and Records
Complementing the art hanging on the wall adjacent to my mood
I think to myself: curiosity let’s have a conversation where you tell me all the secrets Victoria victories made me hate
The tape starts with no words
The opening scene let’s nature sing before the score interrupts
Then some old guy starts speaking about life like he knows me, I’m in no mood for a lecture but I have time today
After all I was just thinking about ending it all, how could this hurt more
He says: There’s a wealth beyond financial peace within the things we blink past every 24 hours
Try not to take for granted the natural order of life around you
I know the stress will have you crying rivers on the inside that you never let water your cheeks
But you need to face your fears, or the dam will explode
You need to Yoga flex your way through the challenges less flexibility become a weakness
Not your strength; muscles are for show, but the morality of your core can lift you past anything if you water your flowers of dread
“Be like water my friend,” and if I’m being bru-tal-ly honest you lie to yourself too much
Fright has kept you in third place longer than you should have been
Unable to reach the heights you are meant for
Remember the natural order of things, but know a long list keeps your further from progress than small steps of truth
You’re 34 now and just entering your prime
The next decade will be the soundtrack to the whole of your life
The season from the age of 13-32 was just a small slice
My teenage brain begins to become bored and 34 is forever away
And right before I was about to stop the tape he said something that made me think, maybe he knows a little something:
“You are the most coveted rose”… you see I love the floral print of life
And this statement was the first time outside of my parents that I felt worthy
He then went on to say
You’re beautiful in full bloom but still walk like a sunflower with its head down
It’s ok to be a lazy daisy sometimes but remember the sun never stops smiling and the moon never stops dreaming
So, neither should you
Your tulip words are meant to be heard by the world
And one day they will, as sure as a daffodil
Will blow it’s horn of victory past everything that has held you back
Just keep fighting and I promise you will win
p.s. don’t be afraid to cry…

Ocean view
Oh ocean view
Even a lake or a pond will due
The calmness that I feel when I’m with you
Or even the sound of your waves at night
Keeps me reminded that everything will be alright
When the wind kisses my skin
It’s nature reminding me that she is always my friend
The sun shining, the squirrels being squirrels
The happiness that overtake me, the same happiness of a little girl
Seeing the trees standing tall
Helps me remember that I too shall never fall
Ocean view
Oh ocean view
I feel overwhelmed, what shall I do
I sit in silence
Wait and see
While I’m sitting in silence, you comfort and answer me
Remember your talents you say
Use them, and they will lead the way
For the are the keys to a better day
Remember who you are and who you are meant to be
And whenever your feeling down and need a reminder,
You can always trust and come see me
So thank you
Ocean view
Oh ocean view
I can always count on seeing myself through you

You have not to go very far
A Library through time-no matter where you are!
Here on earth, and in heaven forever
Nothing shows more worth-than God’s own Love Letter!
It’s the Holy Bible-you know It’s instruction,
The Path of Peace and Life from all destruction!

Please don’t be offended in me,
Everyone has their needs…
So, I chose the Light from the Bible I endeavor to read!
And nothing but the Truth brings Freedoms’ Recovery!

People that seem useless, “no good are they” many do say,
But this “Good Book of Life” for them dispels darkness away!
It upholds and uplifts-the drunkards, criminals and addicts
Spending time in this “Book” becomes to us-a Most Blessed habit!

It changes everything when you look into
It shows you where you’re going, and what you’re going through!
You may be at risk in the storms of life
But Peace will never cease-from It’s Words’ paged so nice!

It will never lie to you-my Best Friend had for free…
To find the stillness of It-living and abiding in me!
This “Book” is my God-The Holy Spirit given free-
Day after day, It has never changed-18 years found of It’s sound Sovereignty!

My dear friend and fellow, sister or brother…
Please search and find It’s Path of Peace-
That only comes from God-Not any other…
It makes the blind soul to see!!!

It’s Author is the same One who Authored you-
The Prince of Peace/The King of kings…
The Mighty God of all Truth!!!

It hurts when people speak bad of It,
For this Great “Book” is alive…
And because It lives-you also do live-
With the Place of Peace in mind!!!

It’s Holy Life is still waiting for you,
Come and rest while your on your quest-
In It’s Place of Peace brand new…
You will find It forever exists-
And is the Best Life to chose!!!

5-18-24

Atop a hill that bears my family’s name
Overlooking the special little town to which our ancestors came.
I sit and swing as the sky gets painted with brilliant strokes of red, orange, and gold.
As I bask in the stillness and silence of nature I am consoled
As I think how this place has been the venue of many a family gathering
I hear the sound of my relatives laughing and chattering
I hear the bells ringing from the Church where I attend Mass
I see my little cousins running and frolicking in the grass
I smell the scent and hear the sizzle of red hot dogs cooking on the grill.
A Northern Maine delicacy that is sure to give your tastebuds a thrill
I taste fresh cucumbers that were grown from the ground
And my mom’s Chinese macaroni salad; the best one around
I feel the wind in my hair as I continue to swing
As I watch two feathers fall from a bird’s wing—
A sign that the matriarch and patriarch of our family are near. 
In this place all is peace—there is an absence of fear. 
This is my safe place, my sanctuary, a humble abode
But for me, it is more than that with the memories that it holds
It is the place where my ancestors landed
It is where business and brothers banded
For that one day it is where family gathered.
Even though the other three-hundred-sixty-four we are greatly scattered.
 As I look at the stars in the sky as they continue to glow
I breathe a sigh of relief and know that I am HOME. 

Each accidental splotch of paint
creates a living masterpiece
discreetly layered in pain and joy–
choice contrasts for arousing art.

The darker strokes of greens and blues
stress hues of gold and bubblegum;
they sculpt perspective, hone your mind,
and prime you for the perfect life.

Deprive the whole of any piece,
you’ll cease to recognize its form–
unborn I’d be in every way,
betrayed by needless worrying

so fling your colors, live it up
rub bristles through the newest parts,
regard today with certainty–
you’re free to paint this masterpiece.