Throughout my life my gram was my other mother, the only one to never judge me, love me unconditionally, believe in me, and always tried to protect me. As of January 27, 2024, she has went on before me. She is now my Angel. Growing up with her, watching her, and hearing her taught me that no matter what I see, think, feel, and hear; I am bigger and better than it. I can and I will come out on top. And so I did just that, thanks to her!

I feel more out of place now than I ever have.
You’re not here to remind me of who I am.
Suddenly it’s like I’m floating in midair.
It almost feels like an outer body experience, which I fear.
Wanting to pick up the phone and make that call.
Drop on by for a smile, hang out for a while and share some words.
Without you here it feels colder than before.
Lonelier than I’ve known.
BUT,
I won’t carry on in sadness and gloom.
I know this is just a stage.
I’ll pick myself up but only for you.
I’ll take what you gave me and shine it bright.
I’ll share all of your love.
I’ll share your life.
The memories are sewn into my soul, streaming through my veins and all of my bones.
Tears are mixed with happy and sad.
Ultimately though, I am glad.
I’m glad to have had the honor of you; your love,
your laughter,
your touch.
Sharing our worlds together and laughing so much.
You went on ahead with the others.
You wait for us to catch up but you’re in no rush.
So until then I’ll leave you with this, a simple little wish.
That as you watch over your loved ones you continue to live through us and with us.
Until we meet again
💗💗💗

I saw you pull up to my parents’ house for a wonderful surprise visit.
You told us you weren’t sure how long you’d stick around for,
But, you did say you would be back soon.

You’ll be back.
You’ll be back soon.
You always come back.

Years passed and you rolled in like it was only yesterday.
Your smile is bright, your stories are wild and we are all laughing together.
You are so much older but not all that different.
We are still exactly 10 years apart.
We are still each other’s favorite cousin.
You are still someone I look up to.
But for now, you’ve got to go again.
You didn’t know when, but you knew you would be back soon.

You’ll be back.
You’ll be back soon.
You always come back.

It’s Thanksgiving at the apartment
My smile was bright, but there were no stories.
Nobody was laughing.
I was a ghost and everyone else was a graveyard.
I left and no one even looked up at me.

I wish I didn’t.

Six years passed
and this time
you
didn’t
come
back.

I wish I knew.

I missed your funeral.
I missed your burial.
I miss you.

I finally returned to the apartment
to sprawl your flowers out over the bay.
My heart dropped at the top of the hill.
I met a lonesome swan that was kooky like you.
He made sure to make me smile bright like you.
The sky was heavenly.
The flag was at half mast.
I wonder if they knew.
I heard your flowers plop into the water and sobbed over the railing.
I almost wished I didn’t let go so soon.

Three months passed and a lot has happened.

You left and the whole world went into lockdown.
You left and society crumbled.
You left and everyone is rioting.
You left and I almost envy you for it.

You left us pictures of your bright smile to look back on.
You left us wild stories to recount.
You left us with fond memories to laugh at.

I swear I saw you drive past my complex today
You were laughing and held your cigarette outside your car window.

It was only for a split second.

But I knew it was you.

I knew you would come back.

And I know you’ll be back soon.

You always come back.

The party was lovely. Beautiful weather, waves gently rolling over the sand, sun shining. As always, we all gathered there for you, duded out in our best, even though we spent our time together; away from you. Suddenly the weather turned, the sky darkened and the ocean roared. I saw the ship, faintly, behind the curtains of fog and mist and I knew it was for you. Frantic, I told everyone you were leaving, but no one believed me. The horns thundered and it was deafening, I was sure everyone could hear them. I screamed my warning above the sounds, but no one believed me. The lighthouse, always in full vision yet forgotten after so many years, shone its dull light and I jumped up and down and pointed and shouted, but no one believed me. From nowhere, you came to shore. We all gathered round you. I saw the bags at your feet. It was clear you were leaving. I looked into countless eyes, awaiting the understanding nod that yes, they finally saw it too, but still no one believed me. I kissed you goodbye and gave my blessing for a safe journey up North, not realizing that I didn’t believe me too. The baby ran towards the water, my attention caught for a split second, but when I turned back, you were gone. Everyone told me you had left, but I didn’t believe them.
We all dressed in black. We had parties centered around a pretense of love for one another, convincing ourselves that if we held on to each other, maybe we’d find you amongst us. A little in Will, a spot in Anna, a smile in Margret, a talent in Jeremy. But you were no where to be found. I said I loved them as I loved you, but I didn’t believe me. Over time, the party lights became as dull as the lighthouse. They took on a sour scent. Then bitter. It was your light that provided the warmth and clarity, your perfume that kept the stench at bay. The parties became few and far between. Some stopped coming, some disappeared, but the worst of all had more parties, stinking of gangrene decay.
I wish I could’ve bottled that perfume, but silly me, I should’ve known it could never be caught. It was the wild aroma of yellow roses, sunshine, and a humid breeze. No chemical, no matter how strong, could recreate the natural sweetness. I’ve kept what few possessions you and the vultures left behind. They’re shut up tight in decorative boxes and drawers and when I open them, your perfume escapes and while I relish in the embrace, enraptured, I desperately slam closed the boxes and drawers as quickly as possible, so as to never lose your perfume, like I’ve lost you.
That was many years ago, now. No more ships have come in, the lighthouse still stands, the baby is now a boy, and the fog and mist have hung around since you departed. It’s difficult to see and I don’t know which way I’m going, but the boy guides me without intention. In him, I see your smile, your talent, your light, and a perfume much like your own. You told me he would, but I didn’t believe you.

All lights dimmed in a filled room ups the anticipation,
Music soared through the speakers preparing us for action,
Cinnamon sparkled my lips bitten off its sugar,

Costing me a Nicole(Nah, I Kid-man.) per platter,
I sink back in a cushioned seat leg raised in a hump.
Not words were said nor a phone buzzed, we watched as ads jump.
Energy flowed with action but mellowed down in serene,
Movies made me feel better ’til the credits end scene,
All left the room content from 2 hour-ed serenity.

Rudimentary – sedimentary.
Rocks stab at my instep
Harsher than reality
I hardly felt it’s indent –
Something there distracted me.

And so it is in staggered thoughts
I’ve perceived the imperceptible

Fleeing from me just so fast I caught it in a blur.
I see it in the daydreams,
the ones revolving her.

We spoke some folly years ago.
About our favorite place.
I recall all her expressions,
But can’t remember face.

For maybe it was shame
That kept me from her grace
Now every time I think of her
I think of waves and space

I think aloud and pace.
I write it on a page.
Still nothing can return me to
those 16 years of age

The source of all my pain
The moment let escape
I hadn’t strength to tell her
Because I thought I’d wait.

From then, she washed away
Just as her favorite place.
The only time I feel at peace
is when I feel her waves.

Can you feel it
Hear or see it
At first zip
No need to trip
The moment I glance
Another chance
Shooting through and through
Oh the view
An overwhelming sigh
Boy do I feel high
Relief
Together in breif
You see it
Committed

A safety net
Make me sweat
Your the someone I’d put first
Wrap yourself up in his comfort
I wanna scream
Wake me from this dream
Flounder with ease
It’s me you shall please
Whole body’s weak
I can’t even speak
Minds in a trance
A little love and romance
Souls a bliss
It’s you that I miss

Into the frosty blizzards of winter
No time shall hinder
Continuous breeze through the crisp Spring air
Come and go as you please, no despair
Entering warm Summer nights
With all of you in site
Beneath the trees of Fall leaves
Oh the web we wove and continue to weave
In the midst of the dark
Making my mark
Manifestation of orbs
It’s you that I adore

If I could touch you, just once
You know it’s you that I hunt
I look up, I see you
Full view and I pursue
The world turns
Heart burns, it yearns
Tender Love let us feast
Together in peace
Serenity, oh the intensity
I melt
Under your belt
Orion

In my little house
In a state up north
Rocking peacefully
Back and forth

Children still sleeping,
Safe and warm in bed
Calm quiet thoughts,
Float in my head

Sipping my coffee,
Warm in my hand
A relatable feeling,
Most understand
Awaiting the day to go as planned

This time allows my mind to adjust
To put my best foot forward,
This is a must

A deep breath in,
Inhale the grateful
A deep breath out,
Exhale the hateful

In my rocking chair,
Feeling so at peace
Morning sounds of the honking geese

The cars start passing by more often
As the sounds of the geese
Begin to soften

I get up to the sink,
Rinse out my cup
The rocking must wait,
It’s time to get up

Take on the day,
The peace and quiet must wait
Time to get going, don’t want to be late
Press pause, on my peaceful state

Fast forward to the end of the day
Dinner dishes done and put away
Children warm and safe
Again, in bed they lay…

On her forehead,
I kiss my daughter
Then back to the sink,
For a cold glass of water

Sit down, take a sip
Again, at peace
Take a deep breath
For a calming release

Rocking peacefully
Back and forth
In my little house
In a state up north.

Peace may be a place
Peace is sometimes a feeling
It can even hit me in a certain space
I had to be willing
Willing to let myself feel free
Indulge in that state of mind
There is a lot of beauty to see
To embrace that peace you are seeking to find
Sometimes, it’s the sound of waves that hit the
beach
Or the breathtaking scenery while taking a stroll along the park
I love the stars shining bright in the dark
At times, it’s a goal finally in reach
No matter where you are in your life
Seek what makes you feel at peace
I had to let go of the strife in my life
Reminding my self of the beauty around me to fill that missing piece

I feel safe with you
Engulfed In your warm embrace
There’s no race with you
Nothing but perfect timing
No rush
A steady pace with you
No judgment or a pleading case with you
I Am free
Bigger than life itself
Cloaked in your love
Embodying all of your glory
I Am at peace
Wind carrying your wisdom
A calm in my soul so when it hits my skin I hear it
I feel it
I become it
I Am at peace
You helped me pick up the pieces
A beautiful mosaic
A masterpiece in the making
A muse
The artist
The adorned one
I Am at peace when I look at you
Deep into your eyes I see everything you’ve been through
Everything you overcame
Everything you dreamt of coming true
I see the peace in you
I see the strength in you
Allowing my weaknesses to exist but not to consume me
I feel the healing in you
Knowing you’ll never tell me wrong or lead me astray
I trust you
With my mind, body and soul, I love you
In the mirror these Words are spoken
The place I find peace is on the surface of my skin
In the depths of my soul 
In the core of my heart
There’s no place like home 
I Rebuilt this foundation from the ground up 
Digging deeper
Building higher
Standing stronger than before
Rusted nails once held together the parts of me that were no longer serving
Gutting waste
Restoring what is cherished
Pulling everything from up under me and replacing it with pure raw materials
It smells like freedom from within
It looks like peace from the outside
It feels new all around me
It’s Heaven on Earth
This new construction is made from love
The deepest love for myself
Acceptance in every breath I take
Alignment with every exhale 
There’s solitude here
There’s peace in the quiet
There’s passion in my posture
There’s ownership in my steps
There’s comfort here
There’s everything I desire
There’s abundance
There’s success
There’s the beauty in all things
All of it, found within me. 

I find myself in a peaceful state
More oftentimes than not
This truth was not always so
Often wrapped up in my thoughts
Until I chose to make a shift, realizing
My life won’t wait
This world I experience is a reflection of what I choose to create
I feel this peace in my daily rhythm
My connection to the source
Where once I was lost in a schism
I now find faith in that unseen force
Love, ease and grace encompass me
And teach me to embrace
Life’s ebb and flow and still I grow
Each moment an open space

So where is it I find this peace?
It is held within the trees
The wind I feel upon my soft skin
And the golden sun is a great place to begin
The stillness of a moment of breath
Brings me to an even greater depth
I find these moments everywhere
Because I know my source is there

I feel complete gratitude and know this fact to be true
The holy source that lights this life
Begins with me and you
The beauty of a snowy day, patterns made in ice
Learning to revere all the turning seasons
Each holding an important lesson
Growth, patience, perspective, Enduring reasons
Each holding their own blessings

My prayer today is to share that peace with each being I get to meet
So I’ll strive to be the light inside that I so dearly wish to see.

Dearest readers,
Mozart once said “The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between.” And in the world we live in today, music is everywhere! It’s in the trees, when the birds sing, when the wind blows and even in big cities like NYC! I feel most at peace when I can hear music in my everyday life. I love trying to figure out the melodies in nature and I love trying to hear every day songs in those melodies also. Music has always been a huge part of my life and I hope it never goes away!!

When you are young
The main question is always 
What do you want to be when you grow up?
With much hope and optimism 
We strive to become
Who we very much envisioned 
Along the way 
We may get knocked down
Or disappointed 
That’s why it is truly important 
To stay in the present 
Committing ourselves to deadlines 
And timelines as to when we think
We should have accomplished 
Something in particular 
Is pure suicide
Leading one to be drained mentally 
Grow up they say
Become an adult they say
But they never say live
Live in the moment 
Be present in your youth
So that you can have a future 
A future that you don’t have to recover from
‘Cause trauma is real
Healing can be a journey 
Never worry about the future 
Though your future 
Is in your hands 
Never feel the need to be pressured 
Into planning it all out at once
Forgive yourself along the way
No one is perfect 
Give yourself credit
For always doing your best
No matter the outcome 
Again, never worry
Your future will be the story you tell 
The way it is supposed to be
Without feeling guilty!

To that boy there near the school swing,
Head deep in that Dictionary,
Reading, to his Apex, new things,
Like there’s no nearby Library.
Just keep on learning new words,their feature,
Cuz they will be of use in the future.

In ten years in different country; at a loss for words,
New School, New Clothes; New Jersey with shoes on an Old Bridge,
O-hi, o-low you go through the corn state forward,
Oh crap, I’ve used too much words; lets keep it abridged,
The words you’ve read you’ll share with the rest of the world.
Don’t fret about tomorrow, just stay out of the fridge.