After my mom passed away in 2010
I was unsure what the future held for me
I had no idea how life would be
Without the woman I loved and adored
I was stuck
Fast forward almost 14 years later
I love my growth
I love my consistency
I love that I am not afraid to tell my story
Sharing my struggles with grief
As well as my continuous
Uphill battle with healing
From past trauma
My patience with learning
That sometimes things aren’t meant to be
God’s plan is way better
Than how I believed my life ought to be
I am amazed that I have been blessed
With opportunities
I’ve dreamt of
A love that completes me
And restores my confidence in myself
A peace that fulfills me
I will continue to live life unapologetically
‘Cause this chapter in my life
Is way better than I expected it to be!

The Ladybug

A ladybug landed on my hand.

I was in my car with the window down, waiting for my friend to show up when a ladybug landed on my hand.

I didn’t see it at first and panicked because something landed on my hand.

I smacked it away before I realized.

I think I killed it.

I made me think for some reason…

Think of this chapter of my life

How it is not the best

But also, not the worst.

I think that the worst was last year.

Last year was something else.

If anything, bad could happen; it would.

I mean, there was some good in the bad,

Like getting a job.

Yet, I also had my first three panic attacks.

Or when I got my license after three tries.

Yet, my grandpa got cancer a week later.

Like exactly a week late.

At least I got a car out of it, but it still sucked.

Or like finally finding a therapist.

But also realizing that finding a therapist was just the beginning.

For the past year, I have been working with my trauma and now, I’m better.

I have learned to cope

I have learned to grow.

And I feel happy.

Like never before.

I feel like I can breathe

Even though, my anxiety does not help;

I learn to stay grounded.

Even if I fail,

I know that I can just get back up.

And I and going to try everything I can so that I don’t miss out on anything.

I hope to look back at this part of my life and try to remember the good.

By: Breanna L. Asada

Thank you for taking the time to read Beauty. It is a spoken word poem and words of wisdom from an aging self-critic. Thank you for attention. Peace.
Beauty
I know what I look like.
This is the face that I see each morning.
Deep lines form parenthesis around my mouth.
There is a canyon formed between my eyebrows.
Crevices radiate out from each eye like carved rays of light.
I do not despair at my appearance.
I am at war.
These are battle scars.
Since leaving childhood.
A battle rages inside me.
A struggle for control of my outward appearance.
Set out into the world to face the daily insults of womanhood.
This war is born of disappointment, rage, and grief.
This angry leprechaun attempts to vanquish my psyche.
She is enraged at unkept promises,
Unrealistic expectations,
Self-imposed limitation.
Hands balled into fists,
She stomps through my consciousness.
A halo of flaming red hair encircles her twisted features.
She spends her days terrorizing the small creatures,
My inner child,
My self esteem,
My self-image.
At night she adds her banshee screams to the chorus of disapproval.
She screams insults,
“You’re always late!”
“You’ve never had an original thought in your life!”
“You’re a terrible mother.”
Until my better angels soothe her into submission.
They croon, “There, there my precious child….”
Momentarily quiet, she simmers in rage just waiting,
For the next perceived offence
Injuries real and imagined.
This is no easy feat
To vanquish years of insult, frustration, and anguish.
I wear the scars of battle,
Deep parenthesis around my mouth
signs that I have not allowed the leprechaun to voice my grievances.
Lines that radiate from eyes
carved by fake smiles as I placate unreasonable requests.
The canyon between my eyes
Etched by years of squinting at the unfathomable cruelty of my fellow man.
I wear these lines with pride.
A sign that my inner angels have prevailed.
As I enter my years of wisdom,
I admonish myself daily.
You are strong.
You are compassionate.
You are wise.
From deep within,
The leprechaun only murmurs.

I’m grateful that what once would have shaken me to my core, now shows me I’m
destined for more. Believe it or not, even after losing a full-time job unexpectedly, I’m in a state of peace and flow with the universe. I may have anxiety and depression ; BUT, now, they no longer have me.

Every little thing IS g̶o̶n̶n̶a̶ ̶b̶e̶ alright. 🧘🏽‍♀️
My faith is being tested immensely on the brink of some significant changes; but, I know everything falls in place for my highest good. Life has shown me that often the longer it takes for me to get what I’m asking for, things work out better than expected. The space in-between the flows of abundance, and how you use your time and energy matters just as much, if not more than your winning season. Instead of sulking in despair, I’m enjoying life with friends, new and old, and giving thanks for what’s to come, knowing that what is meant for me cannot come into my life until what is not for me is removed.
This season has given me a deeper appreciation for unexpected blessings, generosity from others, and I’m constantly reminded that just like the Phoenix rises from the ashes, I have always been stronger than anything that has ever had the potential to break me. The 22nd of this month was the anniversary of my father’s passing & my cousin’s heavenly birthday. I have cried over their transitions; but, I also take heart in knowing my team of guardian angels is stronger than ever.

My nickname for my dad was Nam. So instead of Namaste, Nam, I’ll stay in my peace as I allow things to fall into place, piece by piece.

More Love, less strife
More confidence, less fight
The ability to just let things be.
Enabling my mind to stay clear and free.
Understanding that I don’t have to be the one doing everything.
Letting those that want to do, do their thing.
It’s not my call or opinions that matter,
I just want to embrace the differences of others in this chapter.

Gifted with discernment,
I am able to see what is not good for me.
Whether it be people or things,
or the situations they may bring.
If it doesn’t sit right in my soul
or leaves me questioning “What is the goal?”,
I’ve learned to walk away
and go on about my merry and peaceful day.

I hold no grudges and have no contempt.
From anxiety and hurt feelings, I just want to be exempt.
Besides, this chapter of life has no time for that part,
only room for good vibes and a kind, loving heart.

In this chapter, some will be left behind.
This particular loss can be hard to define,
but in due time the weight of what once was will fade,
and the sense of unsettlement will soon be outweighed.
Through growth and learning the value of contentment,
all things meant for me suddenly become clear,
as those that are not will eventually disappear.

In this chapter of my story, I now understand
that life doesn’t always have to have a plan.
I play the cards from the hand that life has dealt me.
Like the champion that I am,
I let my strategy be my ability to foresee.
I Live my life how I want to live it,
accepting all things good and rebuking resentment.
Heavily armed with the lessons that I’ve learned,
I realized that living in the here and now is what this chapter is about
So I will be ready and prepared for my next chapter…no doubt.

What do I love about this part of my life?
I wonder aloud to myself.
I seem to get caught up in the riptide of the ever quickening current of life and sometimes forget that when I ride the waves rather than resisting, I end up exerting much less extra energy and receiving much more than when my attention is caught up, too.
I do love that I can put this sensation into words, something that creates something from what was once abstract.
I love that I can pause and take just 3 breaths, and remember the gift that alone is.
I love that in this moment in my life, I am able to meet the triggers and challenges I face like an old friend who is just in need of a parcel of love, not to be turned away with vengeance.
I love that I am choosing me, no matter what, in a selfishly selfless way.
Who can pour from what’s empty?
I love that I am discovering what confidence means to me, and also for my ability to give grace, especially to myself, when that confidence I discover falters, even just momentarily.
I love that I can remind myself of all the reasons I have to be confident, and for all the gratitude that I feel for the awareness I’ve cultivated of this, as this practice has at times felt as unnatural as I imagine eating soup on the moon would feel.
I love that I am meeting myself deeper and with more love than I’ve known from myself ever, and for that I rejoice as I know it will be multiplied outwards.
I love that trying new things lights me up with excitement instead of cowering in fear.
I love that I use strength with my voice, no longer one to be bulldozed with others’ words.
I love that my once thorny boundaries have turned to beautiful vines, soft yet strong, ever enduring with elegance and ease.
I love that this chapter of my life has brought me a love of life – once a place that was a barren landscape of nothingness – now a fertile garden bursting with new life and the potential of growth beyond all imagination.

I am growing in places I didn’t even know was possible. Where I am from, people often get stuck. Mentally, financially or in whatever way possible. Stuck in time so much that people that know them from five years ago and people that know them from today know the same version of them. These people often repeat the same rhetoric: I am who I am. My biggest fear is being stuck. I have an amazing corporate job working for a technology company, but I want more. I have three degrees, but I want more. I crave progression in my life to a point that these thoughts invade my dreams. I don’t aspire to work up the ladder at the same job for twenty years or to stay at a job for the benefits and 401k. I don’t care about which insurance is offered or what discounts I can get through the company. I want more. I need more. I am meant for more. I love that in this chapter of my life I am not confined by my environment. I love that I am slowly breaking out of my shell. I will not lie and say I am not terrified to take that step. But what I know for certain is that I am not alone. The person that I was five years ago was too scared to walk, with goals that didn’t align with my soul. Now I am walking with God towards my purpose, open and ready to be molded into the person that I am meant to be – the person that lives in my dreams. I have grown from where I was and I refuse to walk backwards. I am who I am, but I am constantly getting better.