What do you say when the apology comes.
And what they did to you is not ok?
When forgiveness isn’t so easily given
What do you say when the apology never comes–
When you’re the one who gets to write the narrative.
When you need to dig deep and learn how to write your way from survival to freedom.

Dear Mom,

Words can’t describe how grateful I am to have you as my mom. Growing up you gave me a great childhood. You made sure I had everything I needed to succeed. You have always been so involved in my life, encouraging me in my hobbies and passions, believing in the beauty of my dreams and advocating for me in my challenges. You are my biggest fan, my advocate, and my first love. Throughout the years you have shown me what fierce, true, and sacrificial love looks like. You have made countless sacrifices for the well-being of our family. You are truly selfless and have the biggest heart of gold. I hope that someday I will become an exceptional mother—just like you.

When I was in 5th grade you found an art class 20 minutes away from where we lived and you encouraged me to join. It didn’t matter to you that you had to drive 20 minutes there, wait till the class was over and then pick me up and drive 20 minutes home. When I was having trouble in math you sat with me and explained it to me to the best of your ability. You collaborated with my teachers so that I could succeed. And when one of my teachers wouldn’t give me the accommodations I needed you advocated for me. When I was upset because teachers were calling me “the evil one” you went to talk to them for me. You are always taking care of everyone—with kindness, gentleness, positivity, and compassion.

Now that I am older we have the deepest conversations. I learn so much from you. Your presence and involvement in my life is one of the greatest gifts. Even though I live 7 hours away from you, you make sure that I always know that you are only a call, text, FaceTime away. Knowing that you are there and being secure in your unconditional love have made me into the person I am today. It’s because of you that I believe in love at first sight. Even though I probably don’t say it as much as you need to hear it I want you to know that I love you to the moon and back, and I am so grateful that I get to be your daughter.

Love,
Hannah G.

Dear Christina,

In Carrie Underwood’s song “Some Hearts” she says “some hearts just get lucky sometimes.” I know that’s true. I am so thankful that you had the courage to ask me if you could room with me and Erin. That “yes” brought me a best friend. I’ll spend a lifetime thanking God for making me lucky enough to meet you, to get to know you—your silly, loving, caring, adventurous, courageous side. It’s as if you were meant to be in my life. You filled a void in my life that I needed to have patched up. You came just after heartbreak, you were the start of a new beginning with healthy, holy friendships in my life.

We were both shy when we started living together not wanting to appear weird to the other. But it didn’t take long for that shyness and awkwardness to disappear and for us to see that we were both speaking the same language. From then on we were sisters. We would go to the gym together to do yoga which always resulted in us goofing off and lots of laughter. Our macaroni and cheese and wine nights are began in the 2nd floor of Carmel and have continued to this day. Along with Erin we created several inside jokes that had us laughing at 4am. We braved a massive power outage together. You riled me up (in a good way) when I needed to be and you were also able to calm me down when I needed to be too. Even though you transferred to a different college the second semester we still stayed in touch and you even came to my graduation which meant a lot to me. We spent that day before my graduation catching up, eating yummy food that we were given for free, and watching Veggietales and Veggies in the House. It was the best way to close out my college career and it meant so much to me that you were there.

Girl, I have to say that I know it was more than fate that brought us together. I think God knew I needed a friend and He knew that together we would create memories and a friendship to last a lifetime. I can’t wait to see what new memories we will create and how our friendship will continue to be strengthened in the years to come. And I will forever be grateful to God for the risk that you took the day that you asked if you could room with me and Erin because it lead to one of the biggest blessings in my life.

Your best friend,

It’s about to get personal here. You’ve been with me for way too long. You’ve torn down my self-confidence, you’ve creeped into the narratives that I tell myself, you have kept me grounded and not in a good way, but in a self-isolating way, you’ve even made a place for yourself in my beliefs. You have long outstayed your welcome and you need to leave now.

I was listening to a podcast recently on shame and I found the hosts definition of shame interesting. Shame was defined (on this podcast at least) as wanting to receive love, affection, and affirmation from someone, but not receiving that love in the presence of others. I remember one of my earliest memories of shame creeping in was in 4th grade. A classmate had quite a hatred towards me, though I don’t recall doing anything to her to make her hate me. Anyways, she put a death threat in my desk. I came to school that day and found it on top of my books and folders. The girl who wrote it came all too perfectly at the exact moment I found it, grabbed it out of my hands and ripped it up (a tactic she employed so she wouldn’t get in trouble). I decided to try and tell the teacher what happened, but without proof she didn’t believe me. I was depressed the whole day and she noticed and asked what was wrong and I told her again what had happened. But she didn’t believe me. I wanted and needed to hear the affirmation that it wasn’t my fault. That someone was on my side and that they were going to help me when this felt like too much for me to handle on my own. My younger self was forced to ask the question “why me?” And even though I understand now that hurt people hurt people, but I still ask “why?” 4th grade me thought the teacher would at least call my parents to let them know what had happened, but since she didn’t believe me she didn’t believe there was a reason to call my parents. Shame is what kept me from telling them. Shame thrives in secrecy and self-isolation.

It’s taken me years of hard work, therapy and tears to realize that a lot of the healing process includes grieving. I’ve realized that breaking up with you will be beneficial for me. One of my favorite pump up songs “Favorite Sound” by Echosmith says “[I] shouldn’t apologize for just existing…..shouldn’t apologize for just being me…….I’m learning how to turn around all the voices in my head I think I’ve found my favorite sound.” My favorite sound is me writing you this letter. My favorite sound is me unlearning all the lies you told me, like that I was unlovable and that there must be something wrong with me. My favorite sound is me learning that I am loveable after all. I’m learning the joy of just being me. I’m learning that I was not wrong, I was was just someone who had wrong done to them and didn’t know what to do. And I will continue putting the sound of self-love on replay over and over and over until it becomes natural for me.

But shame your soundtrack is being deleted. Hasta freaking la vista. Goodbye and good riddance shame. You don’t rule anymore.

Truthfully,

If I could visit my younger self I would go back to the day when I first learned how to laugh

Before my joy became bogged down by the weight of the past

I’d go back to when I felt a lions heart beating inside of me

Back when my weapon was my bravery

I’d go back to when there were no forks in the road

Back when I carried a lighter load

I’d go back to when I’d gaze up at skies so blue

And immediately my mind would think of You

When I thought peace could be achieved by hundreds of people linking arms in a chain

And I thought a hug could ease every type of pain

I’d go back to when I was baptized with holy water

And relive the moment I became a beloved daughter

I’d go to my childhood where I’d try to capture butterflies in my memere’s yard
And when I observed that a caterpillar’s journey is hard

When days were perfect with not a cloud in sight

And I would squeal with a child’s delight

Those moments of wonder were such a gem

That if I could I’d relive them again

But the clock keeps ticking as time marches on.

But that sense of wonder isn’t gone.

Indeed it still remains

When I think about how Love allowed Himself to be blood-stained

When I think about how Jesus called us to be like children.

That’s when awe & wonder start to pour in.

Dear Erin,

I remember the beginning of freshman year of college being worried about if I would be able to make friends as good as the ones I had at home. My naturally shy self wanted a place to fit in and longed for friendships that would be lifelong. Though my floor and I bonded well, I didn’t always feel like I fit in or that my friendships were as deep as I wanted them to be. That is until I met you. We bonded well. Our friendship continued through sophomore year. At the end of my sophomore year I knew I wanted to room with someone different, but didn’t know exactly who. One of my “friends” suggested that we room together. That was probably the nicest thing he ever said and did for me. I asked you if you wanted to room with me and was delighted when you said yes. Little did I know that rooming with you would lead to a lifelong friendship, lots of laughter, and a feeling of family.

We are so different. You are outgoing and extroverted. You start up a conversation with waitresses/waiters, cashiers, and random strangers on the street. You always have the cashier ring up your groceries so you can interact with them, while I rely mostly on self-checkout. I love to joke that you are my emotional support extrovert, as I am shy and like to keep to myself. You are a night owl and I am a morning person. You are from the city and I live in the middle of nowhere. We complement each other very well. What I admire most about you is your confidence, your strength and your ability to overcome adversity. Though you’ve been put through the ringer many times with school and health issues but you always bounce back. People may misunderstand your beautiful heart but it hasn’t seemed to dim the love you have for yourself (and I mean this in the best of ways). We’ve spent many a night laughing together, crying together, had epic photo shoots together and stayed up late talking about the men we like, and the boys we can’t stand. Ours is more than a friendship. It’s a sisterhood. I know that no matter what you’ve always got my back, and I hope you know I’ve always got yours.

You have a zeal for life that is unmatched. You make even the most mundane things fun. You don’t hold back or hide. In a world where people try to be anyone but themselves, you stand out for being authentically yourself. You radiate with joy and uniqueness and it is beautiful to see. You encourage, inspire, and provide a place for me to be my authentic self and I can’t thank you enough for that. I love you girlie and I can’t wait to see what memories we create this summer.

You are one of my best friends and I have no doubt that you will one day be my bridesmaid.

With love & admiration,