Dear Self,

What a book this life has been! So many chapters. The early chapters that are far behind us.. The first few, living and growing up into little people. The mid-years with the mall bangs, Aqua-Net and blazers… When it was so important to be popular. When everyone’s opinion mattered.

After caring about what everyone thought, you narrowed it down to only what the boys thought. So many boys… and then THE boy. The one who wasn’t cool in the traditional sense, but it was okay because you never cared much for the traditional. The one who showed you what safe was. What love could be. Then, he broke your heart. Not on purpose. You were both just too young, he said. You thought he was wrong.

The next chapter was dark. You leaned into depression. Into deep regret. Into drugs and sex. And shame. You were sure everyone was judging you.

It was time for a new chapter.

Along with your new chapter, you started therapy. You tried so hard and worked so long, working desperately to impress your therapist. Your group leaders and head of programming. You wanted to show your friends how “normal” and healthy you were… You really wanted to be good, for them.

Then there was the darkest chapter where you lost your sister. An overdose. Heroin. You fell out of relationships. Out of connection. Out of caring about anyone or anything. You thought you wouldn’t be able to go on. You didn’t care what anyone thought.

Despite everything, eventually, you were able to laugh again and to make others laugh too.

Routine was boring though. Calm and quiet were not what you were used to and there was the occasional “oops, things are going a little too well… better shake it up because I know how to deal with crisis. It is comfortable.”

Your therapist suggested healthier ways to experience risk without putting your life your wellbeing in jeopardy.

You signed up to try stand up comedy. Oh, you were so nervous. Remember feeling like you ate that whole jar of butterflies before the contest? You didn’t just volunteer for an open mic night; you signed up for a comedy contest. You practiced hard… so hard, even realizing that no matter how practiced and prepared you were, it was still going to be your very first time on stage.

Little did you know this was the beginning of the best chapter of your life.

You remember what happened next, right?

You were sick to your stomach with nerves (and an overabundance of caffeine), terrified you’d forget your lines and once you stepped out on stage, into the spotlight… everything went quiet and still for a minute. A serenity came over you and you knew there was nowhere you’d rather be and nothing you’d rather be doing. THIS was what you were supposed to be doing. This was your life’s purpose.

You KILLED it. And, you won the contest!

It was euphoric.

It was reinforced.

There are many nights you stay up too late, writing and rewriting jokes. Practicing with a microphone given by a friend and a speaker bought in a pawn shop. Walking up and down the hallways and around the bedroom getting a feel for the weight in my hands. The acknowledgement of the cord and special awareness. How close you could hold the mic to your mouth before your words became mumbled.

And the community. The bar crowd that didn’t necessarily drink but shot the shit. There is an acceptance there. Of all your awkwardness and quirk. There is acceptance and celebration, for the most part.

Last night you were in another contest. You didn’t win. Not the prize, anyway. But in another way, that the other performers may not have. You did what you set out to do. You showed up. You didn’t forget any of your jokes. You made people laugh, and you didn’t care if it was with you or at you or even just near you. You were content know you did what you loved to do.

You realized your power in that. You gave yourself permission to be out of your head and strictly in the moment. Enjoying yourself.

All I’ve got left to say is: keep it up! I can’t wait to see where we’ll go from here!

Hello world, I know you are probably wondering how’s life, what’s going on, what has been happening to me. We are beauty, We are one with ourselves without a doubt. Let’s begin to be in a world surrounded with true loving inspirational humans. To go through this chapter with no regret. I’m living life as time goes by with ambition, and conquering fears. I can be myself with no judgement. No fear or care of judgement from strangers who mean so little. I stand up for myself not so timid. Eighteen year old me was not ready for who i am today. I’m a published author now who knew that would be happen, I accomplished I’m very gratefully eccentric . I love myself finally after 22 years of not. I sang karaoke with the love of my life in front of an audience. I was confident I’m proud of that. I’m joyful, in love, and all i see are the beauty of everything around me. I met the most beautiful woman I’m spending the rest of my life with, She’s my always and forever & I couldn’t ask for anyone better than her. She’s my person, whom i can be vulnerable with always. To Mi Amor, the New job, The New opportunities , The New Special Memories I adore you. I’m looking forward to chapter 23!!! As we continue the journey, we now embrace life no longer dread it. I feel it, the wind from the trees everything so beautiful from the rustle of leaves, feel the ground beneath my fee ,the clouds moving slowly but surely, the stars shining brighter than ever before, to finally just get in touch with mother nature herself has truly been Exceptional. Who i am today & Who i was before i see the change ,the growth just to make it here. I know now that all the struggle & obstacles I’ve been through had to happen for me to be the beautiful, strong intelligent woman i am now & now i know that i have always been strong, I just couldn’t see the strength in me till now & for that i smile at this twenty-second chapter of my life.

This chapter was made for the
moon roof sets
sometimes those sun roof breaths.

The barefoot ballerina parking lot dances
you pray you never told em’ about..

Your sacred and safe places
being Yours
Mine.
introductions on a whim.
Vulnerability attempts.
Openness of trials.

…and Errors?
Reminding yourself how to breathe a life
worth living again..

This chapter was made for you.
Me.
Us.
Here’s to the rebirth of
Our’s
Their’s..
Whose it needs to be…
A
The
My
phoenix.

‘Cause we sure as
All Hell
ain’t gonna ever
Go..
or
come back.
—xo A

Chapter 29

What can I say about this chapter of my life & what I love

This chapter — as many others — has tought me — so so much

Most of all—

It’s taught me to step outside — my comfort zone

Into an — unfamiliar place
Into the — complete — unknown

It’s allowed me to — crawl my way out of
— the abyss

& To open my self up — to the world again

It’s taught me — that It’s ok for me — to let you in

& no — it’s not easy to show myself
in my most vulnerable state — it’s never been

To let you have — a sweet taste
of my most — sour days — can be unsettling

Unsettling — to say the least

Sometimes you can tell still —
when my body’s — trembling

Or when my voice — shakes

But I learned — to simply just
— trust the process

in exchange — the power — I’ve gained
Is — Courage

What I love most about this Chapter — 29 of mine

Is that I finally let go of —
“my perfect plan — & timeline”

I learned to finally — resubmit myself — to God
In a way — I hadn’t done — for so long

I learned to heal some parts of me — that took me back — to little ol’ me — at 17

Even tho for years — that girl
has been gone

I learned to finally give up — trying to be her again

— just wishing & wishing

I know now — I’ll never be that girl again
but I’m no longer tripping

I can finally be at peace — to say goodbye to her & recreate myself

Trusting that me at 29 — has already made her proud

So what do I love most about this — Chapter 29 — I ask myself ?

That — a little bit of this
& a little bit of — that

Restored the hope back in my heart — that for years — I have lacked

& that — even on the days
When I felt — most alone

I never truly was — cause God
Neverrrr — Let Me — Go

I learned that — when God promised
to make a beautiful story out of me

He in fact — did not fold

Even tho at times — it felt like
my time was being wasted

It was simply just — a beautiful story
— still — in the making

All I gotta do now — is continue to let him take the lead

& not forget — like Miley Cyrus — always said
— It’s the climb

So I’ll keep on climbing

I’ll be patient Lord 🙏🏽
I’ll let you finish writing ✍️ 🥹

Jessica, be you and be you boldly. Express every thought that produces emotions. Communicate that thought that keeps you up at night and makes you a sleepwalker by day. Specifically, those thoughts that fuel unwarranted feelings such as depression, suppression, oppression, and rejection. Do not allow them to overtake you to a point of no return. The things I failed to mention have sent me into another dimension—the dark world of Dementia. Yes, the light of the world bleeds through the windows to my soul, but the darkness I allow year after year overshadowed it. Limiting the light to pierce “ME,” the crevices of my mind and heart. I rarely feel and rarely remember the life I lived. Unfortunately, it is no longer my choice to filter in and out what is important. Learn from my current condition and how I react. It is okay to feel, but as quickly as it hits you, be quick to let it go and move on to the next subject matter. Do not allow it to consume you.
From afar, yet so close, I can see that all the years, time, and energy I have put into people I thought loved me by default failed me then and continue to fail me now, apart from a couple who have passed on or have limited mobility to show up. I’ve spent years chasing, giving, and simply showing up for those people. I’m surely appreciative of those who stand by me now. I hear you each time you say, “ I love you, Mommy.” I do not only hear you, but I genuinely feel it from time to time. I see it through your actions. That’s why sometimes I may say, “ I know you do,” and just as you asked “How” once, I was able to reply, “Because you are still here.” I cherish it each time you say it, although it may seem I don’t understand, considering my condition.
This chapter of life is called the awakening. It is your time to shine! You have been dimming your light and minimizing your voice for too long. Holding on to people, their actions, and their judgments for no greater end. It is time you wake up from my mother’s despair. She lived in it, soaked in it, and has become consumed by it. Life is about reciprocity. You get back what you put in, but here’s the kicker: be mindful of where you are making deposits. It’s OK to make “empty deposits” here and there. No deposit is in vain, but realize when to move on. Pay close attention to your gut feelings. It is a reflection of discernment. You have spent time defining who you are, understanding your values and the standards you live by, and will accept from others. Now, it is time to stand up and stand boldly in your place.
You are the governor of your peace and the orderliness of your life. You will lose some people along the way, but remain confident; there will be new people to fill their place. People will circle back: understand every apology does not reward reentry. Let go of the idea that “you can’t choose your family.” Yes, you can! Remember, you turned to “family” for help and guidance through the most challenging times, and they denied you. You set out to take that journey “ alone,” gracefully along the way; the Most High sent the people you needed, and the majority remain by your side. Those are the people you can securely call family. They protect, support, and encourage growth without a competitive cap. This is the most liberating place to be. It has become much simpler after consciously living in the idea of “Let them.” Let them misunderstand you, let them ignore you, let them leave you, let them judge you, let them make excuses. As for you, never stop growing. Do not accept anything less than you deserve to keep stepping forward. It gets even better!

This chapter of my life is my prime time.
I am reaping good karma and harvesting my rewards, respect, and honor.

This chapter of my life is about me.
My sake of peace, love, and happiness.
This is the year I reach my peak.

The previous chapter of my life taught me how to truly love, accept, and respect myself.
I healed from PTSD, domestic abuse, and depression; which is like going to rehab and having to reinforce the stage of relapse.
More over learning how to manage my emotions and control my reactions.

I let go of all people, places and things that no longer serve me for the greater goods.
Since I released all negative and toxic energy I have been feeling free and more active.
I feel renewed and like a brand new person.

This chapter of my life I am unstoppable.
My desires are appearing in reality.
I am reaping all the good seeds I sowed in my previous chapters.
Everything I touch turns to gold.

What I love most about this chapter of my life new beginnings.

After my mom passed away in 2010
I was unsure what the future held for me
I had no idea how life would be
Without the woman I loved and adored
I was stuck
Fast forward almost 14 years later
I love my growth
I love my consistency
I love that I am not afraid to tell my story
Sharing my struggles with grief
As well as my continuous
Uphill battle with healing
From past trauma
My patience with learning
That sometimes things aren’t meant to be
God’s plan is way better
Than how I believed my life ought to be
I am amazed that I have been blessed
With opportunities
I’ve dreamt of
A love that completes me
And restores my confidence in myself
A peace that fulfills me
I will continue to live life unapologetically
‘Cause this chapter in my life
Is way better than I expected it to be!

In this season
We’ve been granted a slower pace
Living simply in the every day
And finding God there too

The rush has been left behind
A deep breath in, a long exhale
Holding tightly to the present
And each other

I’ve traded the morning commute
For morning cartoons
A full cup of chocolate milk
Next to my coffee with cream

The crunch beneath my feet
A small hand in mine
Your three strides to my one
We’re in rhythm

I’ve long been searching for contentment
And I’m finding it too
In “I love you mama”
and “I love you too”

When the world is chaos
Our little universe found peace
Even if only in this season
As time is soon fleeting, flying, leaving

Someday I’ll remember when
We turned off the “fast”
Before I’m reaching, grabbing
For times past

You are my beautiful reason
For this season
Little one
And for all to come.

The Ladybug

A ladybug landed on my hand.

I was in my car with the window down, waiting for my friend to show up when a ladybug landed on my hand.

I didn’t see it at first and panicked because something landed on my hand.

I smacked it away before I realized.

I think I killed it.

I made me think for some reason…

Think of this chapter of my life

How it is not the best

But also, not the worst.

I think that the worst was last year.

Last year was something else.

If anything, bad could happen; it would.

I mean, there was some good in the bad,

Like getting a job.

Yet, I also had my first three panic attacks.

Or when I got my license after three tries.

Yet, my grandpa got cancer a week later.

Like exactly a week late.

At least I got a car out of it, but it still sucked.

Or like finally finding a therapist.

But also realizing that finding a therapist was just the beginning.

For the past year, I have been working with my trauma and now, I’m better.

I have learned to cope

I have learned to grow.

And I feel happy.

Like never before.

I feel like I can breathe

Even though, my anxiety does not help;

I learn to stay grounded.

Even if I fail,

I know that I can just get back up.

And I and going to try everything I can so that I don’t miss out on anything.

I hope to look back at this part of my life and try to remember the good.

By: Breanna L. Asada