As I look back upon this one particular summer day,
I had no idea how much my world would be turned upside down.
Not only upside down but completely around.
I’m talking a total one-eighty.
Everything I did in life would now have a different purpose.
I would no longer be able to accept any form of deterrence.
Every aspect of my life changed for the better on this one particular summer day.

I had no idea I would be looking in the mirror for the rest of my life.
Seeing my many moods, flaws, insecurities, and even my anxieties.
The perseverance, the strength, and the superpowers that I didn’t even know I had.
There they were looking right back at me
through the lens of this small and beautiful mirror image of myself.
All of this took place in a single event, on one particular summer day.

Who knew that over time, and for an eternity,
I would have the strength to put my all into this beautiful image in front of me.
Exalting my courage to lead and protect with unconditional love, strength, and determination.
From the depths of my soul, and with every beat of my heart,
I would forever be connected to another being.
All because of this miracle that mirrors my image, and this one particular summer day.

As time moved on, me and my mirror image would grow together,
teaching each other, learning from each other,
and being that person to one another.
Separate beings, with an inseparable bond.
Trying to figure out life as we lean on each other’s love and support.

Our journey started on this one particular summer day,
and oh what a journey it has been.
One I would not trade for the world.
Imagine the power of one being’s ability to change the life of another.
To make it better and make it sweeter.
I am in awe of the things that God can do,
with just one gift given to you, on one particular summer day.

This wonderful being was given to me, yes me, to be my everything.
The thing that I would live and die for.
This being is my daughter, my heart and soul, my mirror image.
Given to me 10 minutes before that particular summer day would come to an official end.
She is anointed with Love and grace.
My heart stays full with the thought of it all.
As this experience continues to rock my world in amazing ways,
I will forever be grateful for that one beautiful, particular summer day.

Dear Unsealed Family,

It would be off-putting if I didn’t stress that I’m not a overly intelligent
person when it comes to relationships with a divine creator. It is of the most
importance to me that I find something, something that was written or
spoken to help me define this world. This world that for most of my
existence I’ve experienced envelopes of deeply rooted detachments to my
own soul. I was lost, expecting the world to bend to the truth that a
melanated child like myself had some special qualities or traits which only I
have to make me aware of the sudden effects of this particular butterfly that
I’am. I found myself being classified as aberrant, corpulent and numerous
other adjectives one as Juvenile as myself would find Detrimental. It broke
my will to live being that my father’s side of the family and classmates
made me feel that I was impotent, a mundane atom of wasted potential.
It wasn’t just with words used but non-verbal cues that emptied my belief in
myself and this world. It felt as if I was a Homicide not to gang wars but
between family and Societal estrangement. The only peace I had was the
way silence had my back. It was in those moments of silence that
volunteered violence creeped into my mind. These thoughts started to
become folklore to my young mind and harmony with harm became my
only friend. A forever companion that I couldn’t forget, and I walked the
streets of depression alone. When going to school the subway became my
way to ensure a quite exit from this world. I would every day press my face
near the edge of deaths door and at a split second pull back to feel a bit of
what death was like. At the time I didn’t know what a suicidal thought was
or that I had for most of my childhood been a threat to myself. I was
fighting the thought of my being and the anxiety of the words of external
pressures, their shadows slowly stalking my mind. But it was one thing that
made me realize a rather strange feeling I been longing for like the love of
Eros to the desire desperately to feel noticed. I was in my 7th grade art class
and we was creating pottery and could etch anything into the sides of our
clay pots. I stumbled upon images that reflected my interest in my culture. I
picked up Egyptian hieroglyphs and in the process something drew me
towards those pieces of paper. It was if I’ve resonated with those images
that they were a part of my soul and have been for quite a long time. So I
used them on my mug and ashtray, but it didn’t stop there. When computer
class started I would research these hieroglyphs in an attempt to further my
understanding of why these things had such a profound impact on my
young mind. This is when my eyes began opening, looking like a full moon
juxtaposed to the dark mood-less sky. I saw melanated individuals who took
the wind from me. I always wondered why I never saw anybody that looked
like me on the television and if I did, they were mostly athletes or
musicians. it wasn’t until the day that I saw the Egyptians that I knew that
there was more to my people and my heritage. I had the biggest smile on
my face, my shoulders relaxed and my soul, my soul felt whole. I always
believed that my history began and ended at slavery, that I was and always
will be just a N-Word to my self, my people and to other cultures that knew
their story, but now I knew mines as well. It was when I learned that piece
of time not explained to us in the history books that I made a decision to
father study my own history. So to this day I reach for further guidance
from my ancestors and look at them to show self pride in myself. I know
that when I’m down or have thoughts to do harm or anything else I can
meditate on the matter with them and they will find an answers. I’am not a
N-word or any other label someone could describe me as,I’am called Negus
now which is Ethiopian royal title that was historically used to refer to the
monarch or ruler of Ethiopia. I’am happy, I’am love, I’am whole and I’am
grateful to be a melanated soul on this earth.

Always grateful,
Rashan Speller

Othe to mothers bearings are told
Sacral plexus so early misused
Diverted attention from nurture to crood egregores pursued
A time came around when the angelic realms, decided to bind with my trickle through hell
Creating life, something so freely exploited
An american dream, but that topics forthgoing
Awakened me emotionally, spiritually, as the intellectual so divinely imported
Balancing the Yin & the Yang, as a single mother always must do
Digging within opened my eyes to this new world for two
My Sienna so savvy yet sweet as the glow in suckle
My Diveena so innovative yet daring like a puck in the huddle
Sacral plexus so early made me a God, or should I say Goddess and not be far off
Creating a world forever embedded with beauty
Defined by the words divinity~loom~agape love~genuity

Can I sit here with you?

Changed my life
Made me better for the knowing
Can I sit here with you?
By far, one of the most important questions I will have ever asked

I would not change a single thing
Each single thing brought me to here
Sitting in this chair at your table
Having the most comfortable talk

Everyone enters for a reason
A few stay for a time
Most leave…they have their reason
Regardless I remain true to the feeling…the memory

Please stay
Until you can no longer
I will be here
Always asking

Can I sit here with you?

Is the darkness hidden well?
Or can you see its all show and tell?

How troubling is the mind-
Exploring all the broken pieces,
And crevices abused with time.

The joy and innocence of a little girl stole-
Tears and fear did she meet in her bed,
Wishing instead of life, she were dead.

Day after day,
Night after night,
Little by little,
Her light was snuffed out;
Love- a word, she began to doubt.

Wanting to fight and push on she did,
But the pain broke her and so she hid.

Not knowing who to trust,
Or where to turn,
Confusion masking lessons learned.

Abused around every corner,
Men lusted and adorned-her.

Ridiculed with guilt and shame,
No-one but herself to blame.

The pain just increased and increased,
Until all hope within her finally ceased-

Filled with such disgust and self-hate,
She began to suffocate-

Unable to accept reality,
With crippled mentality-

Only one place left to run,
Falling to her knees before the Son.

Sin at his feet-
She lay,
Begging for forgiveness-
She prays.

Wiping her slate clean like never before-
Gods love is the one and only cure.

Broken are the chains,
Alleviating the pain-

Free is she-
And mighty is Thee.

Dearest Readers,
Have you ever wondered what life would be like without family? I haven’t because I have lived it. Picture this: One Christmas morning, a young teenage girl goes into labor and has a little girl 3 months early. Some time later, she takes that little girl without a thought on how to raise her. After a few, not so nice years, that little girl and her younger sibling was taken away to what was supposed to be a nice home only to find out, this home wasn’t much better than the last. A few months go by and they are placed with a loving couple who are already raising their youngest sibling. Less than a year later, all three children are adopted and taken to their forever home. 25 years later, that place is still home and that loving couple is still their parents. It has been the best life anyone could ask for. Farming, animals, good schooling, sports, etc…That day in September of 1999, was the day the music came alive for the first time and it has never faltered.

I think a question that a lot of us ask in the post break-up mess is

Why do they get to move on so quickly when they hurt me? Why is it so easy for them to find someone new as if nothing even happened?

I’ve realized that the answer is present inside the question.

They.
Hurt.
You.

You were the one left traumatized by their action or inaction. Their manipulation and abuse. You are the one left with the healing to do and the pieces to put back together again.

To them, the new girl is just another caught in their path. They’re not moving on, they’re just moving along toward the next source of energy they can drain. The next pretty thing that can make them feel okay bc looking for external validation is always easier for the unhealed, uncaring, and unbothered than just taking time to look inside. They don’t care, and they never will, until the day comes where she gives him that stare.

Manipulation and codependency are not on your registry. They’re not a part of your energy and are far off your radar. It’s not taking you “too long” to move on. You’ve been drug through the depth of hell and have clawed your way back out tooth and nail. So why wouldn’t you take precarious caution and detailed attention into your next ‘mate’?

They’re just moving on to the next,
we are building our future.
We are laying down our foundations to success & prosperity in all fields.

Anything that doesn’t bring us peace
Is a liability that we cannot afford
because we’ve already gambled away too much of our time, too much of our spirit, and too much of our love to only end here.
We are looking for partners and plans.
(…and the occasional one night stand bc we’re all human here 😉)

But we don’t dare waste our time with another who only intends to use us to fill the voids they refuse to heal themselves. We heal ourselves so we never become them and never put anyone else through what they put us though. We are walking illustrations of selflessness, patience, and unconditional love.

Deep down inside, we know this time is meant to love ourselves unconditionally. So when the right one comes along, their love will only add to the self-love that’s already strong inside of us. It won’t need to complete us, because we are complete on one own. We aren’t 1/2, we are the whole and we are all the better for it too.

So my love,
Please know that true love
Genuine love
Unconditionally
Healthy love
Is already abundant inside of you
And when the time is just right,
He’ll come along and add his share too. <3

After the loss of my mother-in-law, my youngest daughter brought up the topic of starting to wear the hijab (a scarf that covers the hair, denoting our humbled nature towards God, and empowering our rights to protect our modesty in a world filled with immodesty). As a mother, who wanted to give my daughter a better chance at a larger pool of the ‘marriage mart’, my husband and I convinced her to wait. However, she brought up my inner need to wear the hijab myself and be a better practicing Muslim, because the hijab is a constant reminder of my connection to God. By wearing it, I’m reminded to always be grateful for what I have, not to envy what others do, work harder to achieve my desires within the dictates, rules and regulations given to Muslims through the Quoraan. I’ve also found that the acceptance I’ve received in this Western Country, Canada, was overwhelmingly positive and empowered me to stay the course of my beliefs. Now, I’m proud to say that my struggle to strengthen my belief is a daily occurrence, that I do my best not fall under its depressing weight. Struggling to unite people through the hijab is an uplifting experience, as one shares their experiences and problems, which in turn help others find solutions for their own set of issues.
My favorite comment when people meet me, is that I have a certain glow to my face that comes from the power of my faith.

Journey

Has it really been thirty years
since that first trip to the Bahamas?
Since I had to white-knuckle
turbulent skies and roiling seas?
Wasn’t I afraid to make such
a journey alone?

Did I expect my singlehood to be
satisfied by the billions of
stars in the night sky?
Or by that diamond tennis bracelet
I purchased, no longer in style?

Did I think my loneliness would
be relieved by my friend, Tom Clancy?
Or maybe by the stateroom upgrade I
was offered as a first-time cruiser?

Was it desperation that led to
sex with a stranger I picked up
among the pulsing and gyrating
of the disco?

I know it was courage.

Due date was in August of 1992, but her druggin’, smokin’ & Lord knows what else made me quickly exit the womb.
Three months early I made my debut. All odds stacked against me, in foster care, sick, having seizures. The doctors didn’t think I’d make it through.
Eventually I was adopted by a family who wrapped me in love. As I got older, they became poison, having me question the plans written up above.
God, why did you let me end up in a home with such abuse? Sure I’m the golden child; and, no one would ever see a bruise. Yet, the mental anguish, lies, and cutting words made me cry.
Over the years I starved myself and even cut my legs and thighs.
God are you sure this is your plan? Why didn’t you let me die when you had the chance? Eventually, I came to see I could stew in how I felt; or, I could take the harder path and make the most of the hand I have been dealt. So, finally I made a choice. To speak hope rather than just gripe with my voice.
In 2016, it got hotter by another degree. I majored in counseling psychology. I’ve seen many clients over the years. I’ve heard many stories and seen many tears. Some overcame, sadly some were found slain. Though my strength still waxes and wanes, being able to plant seeds to help others bloom, even on days when my inner sadness looms, I am reminded my struggle was not in vain