How do I say it’s a struggle?
Without feeling like a victim seeking attention?
I know that I am blessed but it doesn’t make me feel less stressed..
Every night is an attempt to process the truth..
The permanence,
Of death.
Your death.

I remember the last time I saw you too.
Your complexion is something I can never forget.
I never saw cold until I saw you,
And I knew.
You were gone and your body a mere casing for who you once were.
Scars and bruising, with attempts to cover for the viewing.

All warmth has escaped and now I’m left with too many words to say.
And I know if I say them you’ll hear them,
But where were those words when you were here?
And maybe they took 5 minutes with you but 20 wasn’t enough for me.
Yet I knew it was time to leave.
Oh how I wanted to hold your hands, but I knew better.

So when I ask myself how did this make me better?
Well that in itself is a challenge.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger..
But am I? Especially in moments when I feel so weak?

A step back is required, and a little objectivity as well.
Removing my emotions from something so emotional,
I’m left with a peek into the silver lining.

Someone’s decision to pass so early and suddenly,
Has forced me out of the shell I’ve hidden in.
Made me take steps I wouldn’t have otherwise taken.
The early passing of family made me realize so many things,
Too many. Actually.

One, family should have always come first.
And so now it does.
Two, we must acknowledge the common humanity.
For we are our worst enemies.
You never really know the day someone is having,
Which is why it’s important to take that breath when upset with those around us.
Third and finally,
No matter how dark things in life can get,
There is always a reason, and it IS making you a better person..
But only if you let it.