My aura is black.
Black because they tried to singe me with deeds,
Black like the sooty soil that nurtures her seeds.
Black because before they knew who I was,
When I was given no choice or even some gauze
Black like the bird that sings to be free
Black because my memories haunt me

Black like the sheep who’s breaking chains.
Black like the hole that’s swallowing pain.
Black like the smoke twirling up through the sky
Black like the panther and her silent battle cry
Black like the ash that softens the earth
Black because now she knows her worth

Black like THAT little dress, brilliant;
the one that makes every woman feel resilient.
Black like the lace of her wings
Black in the sky that midnight brings
Black like the velvet in her gentle coos
Black like silk skin that into she grew

So now instead of green, red, or indigo
My aura is black
Black like obsidian
Black like pearls
Black like geodes
Black because my shadows healed it so.

You are a man who:
wears his beard fully,
not because he’s handsome but because uncle sam, doesn’t have a say anymore

A man who embraces that hint of wild man that he is

A man in the woods, only answering to the birds call

A man who knows not the name of every tree but all of their essence

A man who isn’t afraid of alarms anymore

A man whose son’s friends all want to meet

A man no longer confined by garmets who tried to garnish Vietnamese farmers

A man who travels the word sharing his love for poetry, enticing others to write their own story

He doesn’t care how sad or boring,
this man wants to illuminate a safe space for your allegory,

Because on any given day, your words may save someone’s life

A man grounded in the Earth
A man who doesnt fidget and twitch because his back doesn’t hurt

A man who doesn’t get anxiety between 5 and 6 PM anymore

A man that doesn’t lash out when he’s challenged by a loved one

A man who takes a deep belly breath each time

A man who’s presence alone makes people feel better about themselves

A man who’s wife always feel safe in his arms

A man that takes those wanting to fly, under his wing

A man….
that I think I’m
Pretty close to actualizing

Beloved Ideal Self,

As I write this, I find myself in the midst of my chemotherapy treatments. It’s the fifth one out of a total of eighteen. Sitting here in seat eleven, with its lucky view of the beautiful Burbank mountains, I can’t help but think of you. I envision you as someone who is healed, happy, and radiantly beautiful. You possess a deep wisdom that I have yet to discover. The kind of wisdom earned by a warrior.

There are still thirteen more infusion treatments to undergo, along with two major surgeries and radiation treatments, before I can reach the point where I become a cancer-free survivor like you. As a Stage 3 Triple Negative Breast Cancer patient, the distance between us feels vast. However, these past ten weeks of living with cancer have taught me a profound lesson in forgiveness. A lesson I wouldn’t trade for anything.

None of us are guaranteed a long and healthy life, and yet we often take it for granted. For so long, I held onto anger towards the people I love. Now, I understand that our purpose on this earth is simply to love and forgive one another. And so, I have forgiven them all – those who have caused us pain. I have even forgiven myself for the actions I took to survive. I now realize that it was these burdens that gave rise to this cancer. I have released them all, not just for my own healing, but also so that one day, I can become you. So that you never have to go through this again.

From this vantage point on the fourth floor infusion center, I can see a greater perspective. I see the struggles and pain that each person, even those who have hurt me, go through. It fills me with compassion and empathy. I send them love from here and believe that our world needs more care and understanding for each other’s pain. We place unrealistic standards upon ourselves and others, which can never truly be met.

I can see you now. You are wise, strong and beautiful. You help other people find their way toward forgiveness. You help them find the way to put their burdens down. You show them how beautiful forgiveness is so they can feel the peace it brings wash over them without having to pay in suffering.

In my journey towards becoming you, I have learned the importance of forgiveness and the power of love. I hold nothing but gratitude for the lessons cancer brought me. They were lessons I desperately needed to learn. I stand with my arms open wide, welcoming the lessons that have yet to come. I hope to continue growing closer to you, my Ideal Self, with each passing day.

With all the love in the world,

Katie C’etta

I want to be that guy that you can be free to speak your mind to, you can lean on all the time.

I want to be the mirror that helps you see yourself clearer, that encourages your true self to get a little nearer,

come and plays devils advocate for the angels make you look at things from different angles ,

Or I help the world value the person more than the work, Maybe I can help change minds to put people into trees instead of the dirt,

help be the change to say it’s OK to hurt

let me help you, because for so long we’ve been told it’s not ok to feel.

But that’s not real! Because every single person who will read this is struggling with something they may not admit,

or the pain and trauma they’ve suffered have caused them to forget

a healthy way to cope looking at life through the cross hairs of a rifle scope,
I want to help pull your finger away from the trigger and make it look towards hope,

Maybe I can help change the thought of 40 hours of work,
Instead, give those people 40 hours of freedom from all these imposed rules of life and society.

Imagine what this world would be like if we all were able to pursue what makes us happy,

I really mean it think about it. I don’t mean to get sappy

it’s just everyone that you meet seems to be drained at least a little bit of joy,
how do I find a way to intersect with my inner boy?

The world is so hell bent on getting another dollar or getting another follow,
but we lack soul and substance our bodies are merely hollow,

I want to help fill people with things that leave them fulfilled
where all we worry about is things that leave us with thrill instead of worried about bills.
The best way to do that is to embody that thought and let it it flow out.

I challenge you to do something you love today, let loose and show out !

Can I write something for future me ? Because I know he’s be so proud of what current me, is currently doing.

Undoing 10 years of an identity, that was never meant for me.

Preparing the path to intersect with him, and finding healthy ways to cope mentally

Especially, since they did him kind of dirty

It’s never to late to start over.
Even if your thirty

It may seem a little scary
No, it’s terrifying

a leech in my mind slowly sapping away at times-
that should be spent living…
Sorry I gotta focus on surviving,

But first, I need to get out of bed. I’ve been trying to convince every piece of me to talk again,
no part of me ever grieved the fact that I had to learn how to walk again

Extremely well taken care of body, sold my soul for employment,
22 years old a broken vertebrae on deployment?

Came back to the states and didn’t know that I was in for the change of my life,
for the next four months, I was forboding going under the knife.

“But I’m 22, I’m in incredible shape,”

“I’m sure you are son, but you see this x ray? This is a clear break”

“You made a mistake, it was just some discomfort , I only felt a pinch”

Dr said, “I can tell you’re upset I’m gonna give you a bit. “

There I sat, main character to my own horror movie, blood became curdling

The words escaped my lips like death row inmates –
“I’m getting surgery”

There I lay, a husk of my former self ,

my right thumb begging the vicodin to drip faster, no wonder this is controlled.
I cried as soon as the nurse left, I’m 22 years old.

Could barley take care of my self ,
I wouldn’t have ate if my boy chav never came,
I felt so embarrassed to use a walker, only a little lesser with a cane.

But day by day , I did my best to get stronger , those slow painful walks would ease and become longer.

I was really worried that I’d never be able to swing a bat again,
To strengthen my back ,
I first needed to strengthen my glutes, hips, and abdomen .

Everyday after work, I’d do a light jog, yoga, then mobility,
trying to stifle the disdain of my depleted ability,

Before I was poetic, I found solace in athletics,
55 yard throws, home runs over 350, 4.7 forty, benching 250,
33 inch vert…
all that stuff went away when I got hurt.

I gained a bunch of weight lost all my range of motion ,
I was willing to do black magick take an elixir or a potion.

But, one day by the ocean,

Feet in the sand, and my head in my hands, I realized …
I had to love my body because for everything it went through,
it still lets me stand.
Now as a man,

I realize I’ll never be in the same shape I was when I was 21,

don’t need to be a good athlete anymore, just do my job and play with my son.