If you truly think about it, life is like butter.
Starts out all vigorous like the stick of butter you use to bake that cake.
As you start to live and achieve your goals and dreams, it will start melting away.
Of course, there are those small pieces that take longer to dissolve.
Those are brief disturbances along the way to achieving your goals and dreams.
Just think about it for a minute.
Life is like butter, melted or not!

Ascending flying high
Never wanna come down
Getting higher with the winds wings
Extended gliding with the air gusts
Levitating to new heights angelic & poetic.

a journal on humility
who are you when you have nothing? when you allow yourself to break and sit in emptiness? who are you when there is nobody to motivate you, push you? who are you when it’s just you in a dark room working through battles? how many times can you get knocked down and still be the same person at your core? do you stay true to who you are or does life’s battles turn you into the worst version of yourself? when do you allow life to turn you cold? or do you? do you stay soft, embracing the vulnerability, the rawness of our humanity?

training for a marathon has changed my life. and I’m sure that has been said over and over from others who train for marathons, but I think I have a differing perspective. I started running not knowing I could even run a mile, but I surprised myself with two miles and decided to keep pushing myself to do more. I fell in love with the process and wanting to start gearing my training towards a goal: a marathon. as someone with asthma and vocal cord dysfunction, I knew I would have to adjust in order to complete this hefty task of a marathon. it isn’t easy to relearn how to breathe. and since I have taken on this intensity of training, I have seen some really hard days. the kind of hard days that remind you of your humanity. running through below freezing temperatures, running half marathons on no sleep, running any hour of the day or night, running through stomach issues. all of that will keep you humble if nothing else in life has.

I started seeking humility. seeing how much I can brave through. how tough I really am. and part of that is trauma I’ve accrued throughout life but part of that is finding joy in struggle. finding joy in accomplishing things that are seemingly impossible in the beginning.

I’ve learned as long as you have yourself, you can push yourself through anything. training for a marathon can be so lonely. you learn how to motivate yourself. how to take care of yourself. people may not understand when you have to wake up extra early, run at 2am, miss nights out drinking, squeeze runs in, cancel plans to run. you have to be committed enough to the goal you’ve set to be there for yourself- when nobody else gets it, you will.

my dad always said that as soon as you claim yourself to be humble, you are no longer humble. and I’ve been walking the fine line of staying humble and attaining a great deal of pride. pride is often seen as negative, as one’s hubris. someone who is too prideful comes off as a bad person, egotistical. I wish not to be egotistical, self-centered. that’s why I do the things that will bring me back to my roots, humble me. ground me. it’s grounding to struggle four hours through a run and still make it out. tough conditions like freezing rain will remind you that you’re human. where is the line? I feel as though when we are prideful in a positive way, confidence exudes from us and inspires others to take on an insane task too. pride can be contagious, in a beautifully impactful way. on the opposition, humility can be taken too far. as the man who is too humble knows not their capabilities- they will live in a state of comfort.

I like to live in a way that reminds me I am human- being human is a beautiful thing. when we live in a way that is comfortable, we go blind to the simple facts of the world. we forget our luck that it took the universe to bring us here. we skate through life and allow it to be as is. that’s why we ought to strive for toughness. strive to conquer our fears. strive to live in discomfort, often. they say comfort kills growth but really, the growth never started. the lack of acknowledgment of who we are will keep you out of touch with the world. it’s special to be able to feel attached, in tune with the world. to be reminded that we are a product of the universe. and as easily as we were brought here without knowing, without asking, the opposing could happen. we could disappear from the physicality of the universe.

that’s why it’s important to be reminded of your humanity. as we ought not to go through life forgetting how special it is. not everyone was granted today. use the day. too many people allow it to pass. why would you waste a day not everyone was given? to be so selfish is the opposite of what it is to be humble.

so I run, I train hard. I put effort into my mind, body, and/or spirit every single day. I give myself love, a lot of times tough love. I take advantage of the sun, I chase it, even. for the sun only comes out for so long, to bring us warmth and remind us that even the simple gifts are to be enjoyed. the sun comes and goes to remind us of the impermanence of all things good. that things need to experience darkness to appreciate the light.

that’s part of running, experiencing some serious darkness and tough times in order to reap the benefits. some runs you have to be brave enough to tough it out. teach yourself to stick through hard things. how to show up for yourself when everything sucks. how to remain in touch with the world. how to stay grounded. how to not let pride overtake. as my proudest moments have come from the other side of darkness. pride is a direct product of struggle.

those who allow themselves to be humble, to experience struggle and pain achieve a level of pride that is earned. you earn pride. if pride is displaced, that is where is forms into ego, cockiness. only when pride is deserved will it come off as humble. only then will others be inspired by the feats you took on, conquered. until then, maybe you’re full of it. maybe you need to be grounded somehow. most people do. but it’s all part of walking the walk. embodying the things you strive to represent. identify with.

imposter syndrome and the dunning-kruger effect rival. as some feel undeserving, unaware of their capabilities. and some lack self-awareness to the extremity of believing they are invincible, in a way. unwarranted confidence versus lack of confidence. and, somewhere in-between the two, you might find someone who knows struggle, who finds there way through it. who deserves the pride they exude. that is true confidence, humility, humanity. the coexistence of the best and worst parts of yourself. acknowledging the parts of yourself that are weak. being proud of the parts of yourself that are strong. learning what it means to be human.

Another physical year
About to pass on.
This leap year
Flew by,
Seemed
Like. A Hop, Skip & a jump,
I guess some of us needed
That extra day.
See you next February 29th.

I will remember November 18, 2024 as the day I not only celebrated 39 yrs on this planet but a day I became a self publishing author for the very first time.
One random June night, I got this idea as I was watching Bob’s Burgers to write a book. I’m an avid journal writer, so the joke between siblings was they’d have to wait til later in life to read those journals. I told this sibling I’m thinking of finally writing out my story. Write a book. A memoir. Share my story of how I took my childhood traumas and used them as my motivation to heal. To break those generational cycles. To share my mental illness stories of how I don’t let anxiety and depression dictate my life.
Fast forward to today, my book is selling like hot cakes. Within the first 24 hours, my book sold over 30 copies. These last 30+ days, I sold 99 copies. One shy of 100! My message inbox is full of positive feedback. My text messages bring tears to my eyes. This heart of mine heals with each word these eyes read!
If you asked me a year ago if I would be an author, I would have told you absolutely not. I would have told you my story isn’t impactful like I think it is. I would make the remarks of whose going to read a memoir about healing and finding one’s voice. I’d just respond with such negative feedback. Haha!
Here I am, sitting at my weekend job writing about how I became a self publishing author on my 39th birthday. How I took that joke amongst siblings and made it a reality. Reading more positive feedback on my memoir about healing and finding my voice. Here I am, writing to you, the reader, about how you too can write that book about your story. About taking those traumas and turning them into motivation to heal. Inspiration for others on the same journey.
Let me leave you with these fancy words that were spoken to me at the beginning of my book process: “If you continue to joke about something, it is no longer a joke. It is a dream. It is your reality!”

I will stitch a world from my verses,
Sewing these words of confidence into your hair like flower crowns of daisies.
To join these joints into sockets that would complete rivers.

This isn’t the story of Pangea.
It’s the tale of a seam unbroken,
Where each chain stitch holds together pieces of pain and hope.

A prick of sorrow, a stab of truth,
Threads unraveling, yet I sew them anew.

Binding scars into patterns, weaving triumphs through the cracks,
Every loop and knot a map of survival—
A tapestry of me, of you, of us.

Finally getting to a point
Of not giving too much
Attention to these fucked
Up situations. Everything happens
For a reason and I’m thankful
For my new found love!
No, it’s not a person.
It’s my art formation. Helps
Me alleviate some of the anger
Or sadness also helps me
Express when I’m ecstatic.
These fucked up situations
Only leads to new content.
So I guess instead of getting mad
About it I’ll start to give thanks.
So thanks to every situation that
Lead me to writing.

Love comes in many
Forms it doesn’t
Have to be sexual.
The concept of love
Is different for each and
Everyone of us.
Some love to touch
While others love to talk
Hear the reassuring sound
Of certain and specific sounds.
From the words that come out.
Love is expensive and expressive.
It’s addictive but don’t get it twisted,
The words “I LOVE YOU” don’t mean shit.
If it’s not coming from the right person.
Love is a feeling that is revealing through
The ears, the eyes, can be touched from
Vibrations of the frequency of the voice.
Once you hear that certain noise,
Ears perk up like a dog, now you’re filled
With joy. Even the scent can bring some
Love as your brain ignites and triggers
A wonderful feeling from inside.
Love struck like lightning from deep
Inside my mind, I had to express Myself.
I’ve felt love from plenty.
I’ve showed love also experienced
& expressed it gradually.
Without loving myself how
Could I show it,
Love is diverse
& driven from Emotions.

Once you’ve been “Awaken”
You’ll realize everything
Is just a simulation of your
Very own imagination,
Shaping your reality.
We’re all here and have different
Perceptions, if you hear em
And see em moving to
The words you think.
Or the words you read,
Maybe if you’re artistic
You see em play out the
Words you write.
So now it is what it is
Some go with the statement
Of “living in the matrix”,
Some Rationalized it
With quantum physics.
While others have a different
Representation or a different
Calculation, coming to another conclusion
Of how it started.
A conscious conscience,
Some are just a Con in science.
Is this a coincidence? Is it a theory?
Is it a fantasy?
The power of the mind
Is incredible, imagine
A thought coming to life
Images reciprocating through
The eyes. Now it’s more than a vision.
Those thoughts are being played
In the present through actions.
The Time it takes for the mind
To retrieve this information is astounding.

Dear Mary, daughter of Joachim:

I thought it appropriate to write to you on this eve of the celebration of your son’s birth.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when we met, but it was very early in my life. As a child, I was introduced to you through my Catholic upbringing. I learned of you and revered your place in history as the mother of Jesus Christ.

Through teachings in the church, I learned that you were chosen by God to deliver a son who would eventually die for our sins. As a mother, I can’t imagine giving birth to a child that I knew was destined to die to save the world. That’s a heavy burden.

Through stories told in the Bible, I learned that not only did you and Joseph take on this challenge, but you did it with the utmost grace.

How proud you must have been as Jesus taught us to live in God’s light, to do His work and act in ways that put the rest of us to shame. Through every adversity, your son rose to the challenge, even when He was falsely accused of witchcraft.

Ironically, those who questioned His powers were the same people who brought Him to the cross.

Mary, if given the chance, you and I would have a cup of tea and talk for hours. I have so many questions, one mother to another.

In closing, I’d like to thank you for your sacrifice as Jesus’s mother. I’ll refer to one of my favorite Christmas songs: “Mary, did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters . . . And when you kiss your baby boy, you’ve kissed the face of God.”

Energy from a feeling
Moving through the body.
Otherwise known as emotions.
The mind connects these Feelings,
Internally we think.
Ongoing about certain places or things.
Numerous times we feel with our minds
Sad, happy, mad, exited or frightened.