Dear Little Jaynee,
I know I rarely write back but trust me when I say I read every single letter you wrote to me. In fact, I was always there when the words on the page became blurry from your tears and the ink would bleed just as much as your heart.
I’m here now to tell you that your deepest wish came true. Now it didn’t materialize instantly, no, it was a painful journey. Almost a decade’s worth of wishing that your mom would change her mind about you and your new partner. The toughest pill you learned to swallow was “You cannot change others.” You released your expectations, and you blocked your mother out of your life because the agonizing pain from her repulsion became too hard to bear. All of this could have been avoided if only she accepted you as you were, but alas, she tried to change you, just as much as you tried to change her.
Now both of you are different people, you come as you are. You, a girl who married another girl, and she, a religious mother who finally learned to love you for you.
I’m proud of you, Jaynee.
You had to choose between the love of your life and the love of your mother. But shouldn’t a mother’s love be unconditional? So you gave up your mother and not because your wife asked you to, but because you needed to honor your true self. Speaking honestly, I’d do it all over again. I found myself stronger in being authentic.
I can see how different my life could have been, how miserable I would be if I had allowed her to manipulate me another day.
So just know that the torment you are going through now will subside.
One day, you will get to laugh with her again.
One day, you will hear her apologize to your wife.
One day, your dream will finally come true.
I love myself, and I love you.
Ps. Thank you for getting me here safely.

Learning fast
Thought I would apply
Not knowing what would happen
Or if I would get in
Or if the world would come crashing down
Thinking too good to be true
Then got that email
That email that would change everything
The ability to do something bigger than yourself
To the bigger name actors
To the lights surrounding you
To the chance to build connections
To the nicest people
Not the never ending drama
To the people you’ve gotten to meet
What you’ve gotten to create
Knowing you were apart of something
Seeing your name rolling away
Knowing the people that made it possible
To the great times
To the hard times
To the things that make it worth it
To see it on screen
To the birthday boy celebrating
To the cupcakes and singing
To the fun times and laughs
To the premieres and dinners
Trying to enjoy it before its all done
The excitement of finishing
From start to finish
Oh how proud you’ll be
What you accomplished
Can’t believe its over
Till next time

Not a big deal, she said
Everybody does this she thought
But being creative is one of the biggest blessings
It means winning every school project
Escape with my aunt
Be proud of my accomplishments
The excitement of start to finish
The chocolate piano making music sing
The t-shirts of Percy Jackson fighting high in the sky
The valentines boxes impressing the judges
The special birthday cards for special people
The constant inspiration
The constant smiles
The constant love
The constant people
The constant showing off
Impressing the crowd

Hi you,
You would be 25 or 26 today. I miss you. It still doesn’t feel true that your still gone. I have seen the way it has affected your friends and family around you. I don’t know what you went through but I do know all the pain that never stops, the ground that doesn’t stop shaking. Trying to pull you under so fast its hard to breathe but you helped me to think about my own life, the people around me. And to remind me that the never ending storms or what it feels like will stop. Lights will be turned back on. Many more people care about you then you will ever know. You will go on to do incredible things, do things that you are proud of and people you will meet that will make it worth the wait. Everyday you wake up alive is the greatest blessing. Never forget that.

Dear Country Concerts,
From the moment I first went to you
Cowgirl boots rocking in the stars
Flashing lights like the northern lights
Singing along to the late nights
The late night drinks, the late night music
Us speeding along like there is no tomorrow
Time Standing Still
Living the life we dreamed of
Stomping our feet against the wind
Night Flowing like it’s never going to end
Healed hearts,
Phones disappearing like ghosts
No service, no responsibilities
Becoming one with music
The music is you
Heartfelt conversations and times
We’re all the same
We’re all the same in the moment
Swaying like astronauts in space
no gravity, no gravity

130 bpm 一 The steady rhythm of my breath synchronizes with my movement
140 bpm 一 I feel alive
150 bpm 一 I feel like I’m dying
160 bpm 一 I am capable of more than I think possible
And done

I come to lay on the ground to calm my breathing.
From an outsider’s perspective, I look like nothing but a corpse,
but laying in shavasana is where the magic happens.
Coming to this place of surrender where there are no expectations and the only thing to do is observe how my breathing regulates is peaceful.
This is where I come to balance.

We would not know peace without peril, ease without force, and I wouldn’t be feeling this right now if it weren’t for the intense physical activity I put my body through.
It’s the same reason why you sleep the soundest after ugly crying.
It’s our own body’s way of balancing out.

Peace is not found in stagnant stillness but in steady flow, aka breath,
It’s found in feeling a human touch massaging away the tightness your muscles have endured,
It’s the feeling of safety being in the arms of a beloved,
And the acceptance of an invitation to match its frequency.
When someone dies, we say que en paz descanse;
Our final wish for someone is that they may rest in peace.
And peace is a choice, a piece of us, a possibility.
It’s our duty to experience every feeling + emotion and peace is simply one of them.

Dear Friend,
My heart is listening to a voice that guides me to an open door
My heart is listening to a voice that guides me to an open door and says enter
My heart is listening to a voice that guides me to an open door and says enter and
you can let people know
My heart is listening to a voice that guides me to an open door and says enter and
people will send hearts
My heart is listening to a voice that guides me to an open door and says enter and
if you need a nap, that will be fine here
My heart is listening to a voice that guides me to an open door and says enter and
there is a friend at your side comin

My heart is so happy to write a song

My heart is so happy to wait and rest knowing I can write a song

My heart is so happy because peace is non man-made

My heart is so happy because peace is needing my involvement

My heart is so happy because I can rest now

My heart is at peace

Friend, I love you

I am a snowy sculpturer
Carving waves of welding down the chute

I spy a young racer
riding a magic carpet for the first time
Into the bluebird forest

A witch floats overhead
Mesmerizing us with her backflips and wildcat ways
A chef making pizza nearby devours every bite

As each dreamer creates their own masterpiece,
I inhale frosty air
and transform into a helicopter
Gliding uphill and experiencing the aerial view
In all its wonder

I arrive at the white crown
And dismount
A new friend emerges, a snowcat,
She welcomes me with champagne

Encouraging me
to savor each elevation
and remind me halcyon days are here

Fendi and Gucci are idolized
remaining sane is ostracized
when you stand up against the man, you will be demoralized
my pain runs deep like it’s crystallized
I can’t even front I became hypnotized
I can’t run forever, shit, I’ve already been traumatized
I’m in therapy, like bankruptcy to reorganize
my life changed when I prioritized the beautiful sunrise
it is in this time I came to analyze, and visualize my next sacrifice
I plan to live forever in this paradise

Our minimum 14 poses at every teenage girly photoshoot:

“Let me carry you”
Hang upside down pic
Tackle pic!
CHEERS
“Wait-I wanna show my sunnies”
Show me those baby blues ….
Silly pic !
Now, Serious face.
Okay real picture,
Laughing,
Dancing,
Candid,
Dabb
Photobombed by strangers and made new friends

Now that you’re gone, those silly photos aren’t so silly.

Dear younger Rachel,
Waves come faster than you think
Trying to catch the sunsets before you blink
Days and years coming at you like the speed of life
Demons haunting you
But light shines in something everyday
Remember to hold the rope and climb
No matter how many steps it takes
Reach for the stars
Keep shining bright
Remember things will pass
Remember the root of the tree
The people that love you
The simplest things that make you proud
All will be well
You will meet incredible people
Touch so many hearts
Inspire the world
And most importantly be at peace
With yourself
You will find strength
And everyone will know your name