One message I have for every person in the world is don’t take life for granted because tomorrow isn’t promised anything can happen to yourself or your loved one. I for one took life for granted and I lost my soul pet, you may ask what you mean by that well If I didn’t go out as much to be with friends or be busy with work and had taken care of my Mitsu aka my black cat he would have still been here with me and not get sick too easily and quickly. One thing I regret is not taking him to the doctor’s first thing instead I waited until he got worse, he was always meowing at night in pain and I always thought he wanted attention, but he was just in pain I think about how I failed as a cat mom because I couldn’t do much at first but overall, I loved and cared for my Mitsu he knew that because everyone abandoned him, abused him, locked him in cages but with me he was free to do whatever and he was happy. I remember every morning he would come into my room by opening the door with his head and get on top of the bed waiting for my mom to give me my breakfast which was tea and biscuits and Mitsu waited for my mom to give him biscuits and once she did, Mitsu ate all the biscuit he could. All the memories I have of Mitsu are blessings I’m glad that I could share my life with him, and that he could share his love and commitment with me, he showed me a pet’s love is pure and more trustworthy than a person’s love because a pet is more loyal than certain people. My message to everyone in the world is don’t life for granted because life isn’t promised tomorrow, life is precious and people and pets are also precious I took life for granted and lost my Mitsu but God gave me another chance on make things right with now my Mocha aka my black kitten spending lots of time with him, taking care of him and making my Mitsu proud from heaven.

Three times I’ve prayed over a vision You, the Lord of hosts, have shown
First You said “trust Me” second “just be” third You said, “you’re not. I am. Just sit back and be amazed at what I’m going to do.”
And however “it” is to be, I have not a clue…
But You said I was going to Russia, when others told me the idea I should abort
Because they were leaving in two weeks, and I had not a passport
Yet we were all baffled when it came in a week and a half.
Or when You said I was going to the Middle East
But as to how, an idea I had not in the least
Only to sit in a church, with the specific destination You said on the screen
And the pastor reading genesis 12:1, “Get out of your country, from your family
and from your father’s house,
To a land that I will show you.”
Therefore I knew, You mean what You mean
Only to visit another church, for a man to introduce me to a woman
She said they were leaving for there in three weeks
But in my spirit, I knew it was the journey I was to take
And my job, security, and life I was ready to forsake
Or when I awoke, and You said Guatemala while I was still in a daze
No money, no means, but a trust in Your ways
Only for people You touched to give me money to go, and to buy the ticket for my plane
Or how I still find it insane
How You’ve sent me back three times to the desert sands
Without a dollar leaving my hands
Downtrodden and feeling down on my luck
Praying because I needed to find a new truck
But You already know the needs that I have before I ask
And I found myself basking in Your glory with a huge grin
When I test drove a truck with a sermon on the radio and my name in the VIN
Thinking back to when my book I knew not how to publish
Yet You sent a long lost friend, who randomly told me how to fulfill my wish
But that is not all
For You care about the big things, but also the small
Like when I needed stove top cleaner
And not a soul on this earth knew but You…
The joyful demeanor I had when I came home to find it hanging from my door
I could go on, for You’ve done so much more
But as part of my story has been unfurled
The message I wish to share with the world
Is just what the Lord said… “trust Me.” And “just be.”

A childish dream…
A simplistic scheme…
To be not a man but a myth, or rather a man who doesn’t exist
A silly desire that continued to persist
But as to how to pursue, I had not a clue
Until I realized, I’m the point in which two bloodlines converge
And I loved the way their names sounded when merged
Thus Donald M. Clyde was born
To hide myself, he was my mask worn
Under his guise I started to write
And as people responded, my heart was full of delight
Until I started to write under my God given name
Only to see life play a sick little game
The bitter irony of using a pseudonym…
To see people not like me, as how they loved him
And thus I’ve found myself taking up his mantle again
And see myself as a man who’s been enslaved by his pen
Just wishing that the world would know my name’s….

I like the way you try to help others in certain situations and give advice
I like the way you get your eyebrows sharper than a fingernail
I like the way you have a open mind about anything or anyone
I like the way you’re learning how to communicate and be patient
I like the way you have a fear of rollercoasters but aren’t afraid to jump out a plane
I like the way you value alone time even though your friends are awesome
I like the way you smile even when you’re sad some days
I like the way you can sing the alphabet with your mouth closed and type a whole paragraph with your eyes shut
I like the way you’re not afraid to be harsh and be straight-forward with anyone
I like the way you stopped crying everyday for something sad and instead crying for something joyful

It’s been two months since you passed away. I still can’t comprehend it. I’m still grieving and healing, and it’s hard because I still expect you to come into my room and wake me up with your head bumps. I still hear you saying “ma” instead of “meow,” and I remember how you would always try to steal food when I or your grandma started eating. I miss every part of you. You helped me through so much – depression, and anxiety, and you taught me how to be gentle and care for another, even if it has four legs. You taught me responsibility, and I know you were happy in the end. I miss you so much, to the point where I wouldn’t stop crying for missing you.
I believe you’re up in heaven looking down at me, and asking God for a sign, I received one. On June 7th, 2024, I saw a cloud shaped like a black cat, which made me and grandma cry. We believe that even though you’re not physically here, mentally and emotionally, you are. Then, I asked for another sign, and once again I got it. When my coworker heard about my cat’s passing, she offered me a cat for adoption. I immediately said yes because of the sign of the black cat cloud. The next day, my coworker mentioned adopting a black cat, and then my boyfriend found a purple ball with a black cat on it. I felt like my Mitsu was sending me signs. After all that, in three days, I got sign after sign about a black cat and decided I wanted another cat. My coworker and I went to get the cat, but she wasn’t there as she was a stray. However, we later found four black kittens near a school and managed to catch one of them. After treating and cleaning the kitten, I welcomed it into my home. This whole experience led me to find another baby boy in honor of my Mitsu.

Looking back… man… we were all so young…
Back before any of us had a story to be sung
I remember us being little kids, kicking soccer balls on the field
The years spent in school, back when we all thought we were so cool
Man it felt like back then, time would just yield
Then we graduated and went our separate ways
But I still remember that day, years since I last saw you
The sheer excitement and joy on your face to see me, pierced me right through
Living your life so light hearted and care free
The encouraging words you spoke to me
Were the push I needed to finally publish my book…
When I got that phone call, my whole core was shook
And my breath took a pause
As I heard you were mercilessly beaten without cause
Cast down to the waters below, where you drowned
Spending your last moments alone, with no one around
When reality struck, I couldn’t control how I flailed
Or stop the tears that I wailed
As I was thrown into utter travail
The whole community felt the void
As the life of one of our own was destroyed
But I believe there was a beauty in the floods of people who gathered to grieve
For it was a truly remarkable sight to see
The unfathomable amount of lives one young man had impacted
And that’s a fact, it can’t be retracted
Yours was a life taken too young
But I refuse to let your story go unsung
You were always there to lift people up when they stumbled
Your motto’s eternal: be kind, give thanks, stay humble

From the womb you were torn
And since the time you were born
Brought to this earth
You’ve fought for your worth
Everything of yourself you’d give
Struggling to find a purpose just to live
Belittled for being sensitive
Because that’s not how a man’s meant to be
Alone, hurting, and misunderstood
Wanting anyone to see your heart, but was as if nobody could
Tormented to the point you wanted not to be
But I’m telling you not to worry
Because even though you spent many nights…
Crying with a blade to your wrist
Those desires you were able to resist
Until you learned, God had always had you in His sight
He saw a purpose for you
And you’ve been able to achieve far more than you ever thought you would do…
Looking back, who am I?
That His grace, He would not deny
That He would send someone like us across the nations
To declare Christs proclamation
To find yourself raising your fists
Praising God, while surrounded by terrorists
But He’s given us far more
As we’ve been able to help those ravaged by war
As from their homes they had to flee
You’d never have been able to do that if you ceased to be
Being there to bring comfort and peace
As you hear the gunfire and bombs…
If only for a moment, allowing others to feel calm
Or how I still find it absurd
How we’d start putting our pain and praises into words
With no clue, other than by Christ, how it occurred
Only to watch how it unfurled
As we’d have a multitude around the world
Inspired by the things that we wrote
He’s blessed us so much, because to Him our life we chose to devote
I remember clearly that night on our bed…
I remember clearly the words that we said…
The moment we decided to put down that knife
And told the Lord we’d give Him one opportunity
To do whatever He wanted to do with our life
And I write this to my younger self, in the hopes he’ll see
There’s no need for you to worry
You’re gonna do just fine
Just keep clinging to Christ divine
Just keep running your race
When you stumble, repent, and trust in His grace
Until the day you can bestow a kiss to His face

You broke me into pieces you made yourself the victim and told everyone I broke your heart but in reality it was the other way around. You used me to heal yourself for a year you were obsessed with your ex and I let it slide how stupid of me, right I will never think twice to do that again with anyone anymore, you hurt me to make yourself feel bigger and better but in reality you’re just much of a loser. You broke me into pieces you made me cry for days and nights but I still loved you, you lied to me constantly made me overthink about everything for your fun. I thought it was all love but I was blind you manipulated me into thinking you loved me but in reality you loved yourself, you were self obsessed, self harmed you weren’t a good person. You broke me into pieces you made me feel small even though I already had felt that way in life but you made it worse, you never cared about my feelings or thoughts it was always about you I made myself about you and your life but what I should have done was walk away and restore the girl you broke into pieces. I fought for you, supported you even though you didn’t deserve it everyone told me to walk away he will never change but I didn’t believe them I still stayed and thought to myself he will change but I should have listened and walked away. You broke me into pieces it wasn’t love for those past years it was a lesson, a lesson on what a person is really like in the beginning until the end and you sir showed me your true colors and proud to say you aren’t a good person, you used and threw out people like toys you threw me out most of all, you gave me the silent treatment as an act of punishment as if you were the victim and I was the bad person well now I know who was the true victim and it wasn’t me or you it was our relationship throughout the years action, camera, words were all apart of victimize act but me I am survivor from your emotional, verbal abuse. you can change now for the better fake it until you break and you can be with millions of people but I know you will forever feel lonely inside that’s what you are a lonely, miserable person, and you will forever think about what you did wrong and think about the things you couldn’t do right, you broke me into pieces but now I am restoring the girl you broke, the mindset you tarnished for your own game, the fear she has about you coming back and ruining her again, punishing her for your own play she has that fear but not for long because she knows better, she knows her worth bigger and brighter and not you or nor anyone can let her down. You broke me into pieces but you were also a lesson that had to be taught in order for her to restore herself again.

I would say family over everything but that would be untrue. Fights breaking out all the time, Mom threatening to leave everyday, Dad keeping secrets and lies beyond his grasp and a brother who I thought I’d have a good relationship with but, unfortunately never did for the last 12 years. No contact, no support from him in the same house no asking, ”hi sis how you doing?”
Being without love or support from my parents was hard for me. Growing up in a Muslim household in a Muslim community where I had to live up through the expectations of my parents was difficult and because I’m a girl, it was that much harder. For my brother, however, it was the complete opposite. He is expected to be the heir of the household someday after my father, but after years passed, my brother drifted away from my parents little by little. I remember major fights would happen between my father and brother things breaking, physical altercations, my mom holding my brother and my dad back from each other, and I was always in the middle crying.
Their constant fighting stressed me out to the point where I had to worry about panic attacks and seizures. My mom saw my mental state and quickly started to calm me down doing my usual breathing techniques. It worked surprisingly. My brother and dad saw what had happened to me and stopped fighting. Then after sometime, my brother left and decided to stay over his friends place for a while and dad just stood quiet most days (except when arguments were going on of course).
With my mother, that took a different turn and since my brother wasn’t here I had to take on the responsibility for the household. I had to be the son and daughter all in one. I had to be the crazy glue to put everything in place again after another fight broke out with my parents, it was exhausting at times but you get used to the numb feeling of sadness and depression. I always hid behind a wall: the wall of depression. I never expressed it or came face to face with it. I always hid behind it for the last twenty two years of my life. But after a causal conversation with a coworker of mine, he asked me, “I always see you around never smiling, you always have a depressed look are you ok?” I answered, “oh no I’m not depressed I’m just tired because I have to take care of my family all the time.”
After that little encounter, I was on my way home and sitting there thinking about what my coworker said. I started tearing up and after that, I realized maybe my coworker was right. I am depressed and I’ve been depressed for last twenty two years. I needed help. After getting home, my parents had another fight over the same topics: property, money, or even siblings who they never speak to anymore. It was ridiculous, but I knew the more I got in the middle, the more I started to resent them, and live in my own world at home.
I started smoking to ease my anxiety, but that wasn’t much help either, after months and months of fighting my brother who had left told my parents he had gotten an apartment and is leaving permanently I was distraught because I knew if my brother left, I would be the one dealing with everything here by myself more on my plate, after my brother leaving, things had gotten worse than before. My parents and brother would argue non stop, my brother would do selfish things to hurt my parents, but since he’s far away my parents would say the same excuse, “he’s not with us anymore, he’s our son we still love him regardless of what he does.”
That took a turn in my head because if I were to do something small that never pleased my parents, I’d be the bad daughter, the daughter who would apparently bring dishonor to the family even though when my mom would cry herself to sleep because of my brother, I’d wipe her tears and say “everything will be okay, youre a warrior,” but I guess that wasn’t enough, because my parents would always put my brother on pedestal on everything did or said.
After many encounters, I decided that to better myself and my mental health, I have to remove myself from the life my parents expected me to live, and live my own life. I’ve lived up to the expectations of a Muslim girl for so long. The girl who couldn’t even wear clothes that showed the littlest bit of skin…who couldn’t drink or get tattoos or can’t stay past 8:00 p.m. with friends. I had to get straight A’s in school or I’d be a failure in life, I would have to become a doctor, lawyer, or engineer because being a writer wouldn’t get me anywhere they would say, but my brother, being a boy and having “the right genitals in between his legs” could do whatever he wanted when he wanted with whomever he wanted.
I lived up my parents side of their dream for so long I couldn’t get the chance to experience my own desires and dreams until now. The reputation, double standards, the repressed sexuality that runs through the Islam community has many people, especially kids, put down in shame because they want to be on their own person and not the person their parents want them to be. After so many times of trying to be the daughter my parents wanted, I gave up and started to live for myself and not for anybody else. There is a saying I always tell myself when I’m in the predicament of being let down: that is, “I pay my own bills, I make myself look, feel, do better, I wipe my own tears and make myself laugh and at the end I’ll do whatever right for me”, that’s the quote I started to live by after many times, trying to fix my broken home , but that’s impossible with my family. Though, I’m alright with that, because as long as I have myself at the end of the day, and I realize the importance of prioritizing my own journey in life, all the rainy days I had to deal with with eventually lead to the sunlight I’ve always knew I deserved.