Dear little Kim,

If you only knew then, what I know now, you would have…

rested- MORE & worried- less
played- MORE & strove- less
laughed- MORE & cried- less
slept- MORE & tossed- less
received- MORE & pleased- less
accepted- MORE & controlled- less
stood- MORE & clung- less
celebrated- MORE & criticized- less
believed- MORE & doubted- less

but you couldn’t know then, what I know now; you could only MORE & less… survive

Love,

Dearest Shelle Belle,
I don’t know why you are so hard on yourself. You’re learning and moving forward making the best of each new day. It’s 1993 and you have entered into the next stages of your life. Your music selection is a wide variety of artists, which speaks volumes of who you are. As you walk down the graffiti tagged streets of Denver you hold your head high even though the environment around you feels unsafe and scary, you keep pushing forward with your dreams. These streets will never break you. You have so much to accomplish. Follow your dreams. Be your own hero. Keep moving forward. They tried to dim your light when they assaulted you, but you pushed through. You never gave in. You never gave up, and for that my friend you grew into the beautiful and amazing you. A young mom at 16, just a baby yourself. You continued to grow. I’m proud of you.
For motherhood is tough enough even when one is ready. You took it on. Life stops for no one. Each day a new adventure. Smile, but also honor the tears that you shed when you feel lost in your head. There is clarity ahead. You just have to believe.

You don’t know me yet but you and I are very close. You think you know it all and that you have life figured out……. And I hate to burst your bubble but you really don’t. Like at all. But You have a good head on your shoulders though. I just need you to trust yourself more. I know you’re probably thinking what the hell do I know about you but truth is: I am You but grown up. There are so many things I wish you knew. But everything still works out. The main thing I want you to know or take away from this letter is to trust your power and stop letting the words and opinions of others (no matter how important they may seem to you) define or change who you are.

You’re a big dreamer with a big heart. You are more than what you think of yourself. You are not an unlovable failure who is an idiot. Please speak better to yourself! Just because no one says it often doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. Be secure in your authentic self. I know the pain you hide behind every smile and the genuine self hate you have with every joke you make
about yourself. Your jokes aren’t even funny they’re actually sad because why would you say those things about yourself?

You call yourself all the wrong names and you answer to all the wrong names. To be honest you don’t even like being called Leah unless you’re blood related to someone when you’re older. You don’t need the approval you keep seeking from people. You are already valid. Yes, I know it would be nice to have someone validate you with kind words and gestures but hey play the cards you are dealt.

Girl , I wish you understood and knew your strength. Like girl you are resilient as fuck.
A true gem. The darkness you hold inside of you now; we learn to control. Even though it pains you don’t regret the heart you have. It comes in handy. Stop hating yourself please. So many blessings are being blocked for me because of the words you’ve sown. Yes we were ignorant but words have a lot of power.

Also, PUT THE KNIFE DOWN! Stop cutting yourself. Depression cannot keep winning. Life is so much more beautiful than you can imagine. You are not worthless and you deserve to live just as much as anyone else. I know you feel numb most days or you have to put on a mask but it’s nothing to kill your self over. You actually survive worse mental places in life. But I get it though. You just trying to feel and because you’re used to emotional pain; you inflicted physical pain.
I know you feel like I’m attacking you but you need to hear this. You’re not the victim you think you are. You are the conqueror. Everything that has ever happened to you is my villain origin story. I mean that in a good way. We learn to set boundaries in our late 20s and become villains to the people who tried to break us.

I just really wish you loved yourself enough as a teenager to see how truly great you are. Like girl you are the bees knees. Not the red thing around the bologna. Love yourself first so the world and people won’t chew you up and spit you out or simply toss you to the side. You are beautiful, intelligent and loved. It’s crazy how you pour love into to everyone else but you.

Seriously you are constantly calling yourself ugly and avoiding the mirror. You hate your body and it’s fine. You’re not the ugly duckling you were just born a swan. Your intelligence and body what makes you. It’s your heart. All the trauma you have suffered so far is not in vain. I just need you to love yourself through that pain. Like we end up becoming a mother. You literally have a daughter who adores you and is twice as stubborn as you are. We have to love ourself because she is a sponge and she soaks up everything we teach her whether it’s intentional or unintentional. I need you to love yourself because we struggle as an adult. And having a kid didn’t make it easier but it’s motivation. She needs to see a confident woman who loves herself and understands her value and you are her first teacher.

So love yourself kid because I love you! I’m proud of you and you actually don’t do to bad in life because you learn the importance of perspective. Plus nobody really warned or prepared us for how expensive being an adult is but we are managing. So if you see our kindergarten self tell her that she should have saved all those dollars we spent when we were her age.

As you can see our humor will always be intact. Lol

I love you Leah or shall I say Dee. That’s who we like to be called and we add pretty in front for a little razzle dazzle.

I LOVE YOU !! And I appreciate all that you are.

Confusion and diligence coexisted inside
of me during a time when everyone called
growing pains “just a phase”.

No one batted an eye or took a second look
into what I tried to convey.

It seemed as if all of the words I tried to say
were muffled to ears attached to a body that
was responsible for protecting mine.

But I guess the chaos got so loud that even
my guardian angel wasn’t capable enough
to rescue me every time.

That’s ok. Shrug it off. Pretend it never
happened. You were dreaming.

And if you dissociate enough, the memories will be washed away with all of the bleeding.

Speak up but don’t talk too loud; some secrets
are better left tucked underneath that
beautiful smile overshadowing your grimace.

Sit up and fix your hair. SMILE.
Praise dance to keep in tact what we value –
our image.

Repent and confess your sins but not to anyone who cares enough to listen.

Close your eyes real tight if you need to cry,
don’t let anyone see the glisten.

You’re almost there so don’t look back; the
past is the past.

I know that hurt and trauma didn’t just begin
there but save some energy to make it to the
next and the last.

Later, you’ll get to stop, fall apart; restart
and pause to ask yourself some questions:

Like, if I don’t regret my decision, how can I ever make it into Heaven?

Smile?

To whom Gie may concern,
You were always enough. And forever be enough.
Throughout the teenage phase, at times when life played rough, you tried hard navigating the highs and lows and subtracting the good vs bad ratios that played heavy in math class while you nervously snuck a taste of hot Cheetos.
Hot cheetos, you always somehow mustered up enough loose change to afford those. Ala cart options at lunch made you feel cool. A luxury you felt other kids established at school so that their status of school wealth proclaimed the school fame of popularity.
So dazzled, dripped in hot Cheetos and chicken tenders to accompany fresh hair styles, clean clothes and cool kicks.
With careful planning and an allowance advantage you could manage it. Right?…
The clothes.
They didn’t fit you like you imagined. You would survey the mannequin before leaving the store to make sure that the body alignments were matching. You didn’t want to look too frail and then the fabric I mean You, you wouldn’t want to look too tragic. You wanted to be cool so the clothes must match …You plastered those smiles for miles even when the clothes leaps piles around your bedroom.
Bedroom. 16 was too young for sex, 17 too. You barely knew love you just knew what nurturing could do. No pre talks prepped you for the first time nor the last. Take your time and nurture your mind first.
You believe in magic. Santa is real, the tooth fairy has upped their tooth cash on value this time their paying good bucks and the money’s real. The Easter bunny always notifies his friends and St.Patrick is a lucky fella well after the parade ends .
At 17 it’s okay to still have hula hoop dreams and Guess jeans.

Peace & Gratitude