Personally, I have been having a lot of difficulty everywhere. It began Tuesday night. Words got really difficult to produce, I was in my bug eye lack of blinking face, my oral motor skills were worse than normal (I could not drink out of a cup without spilling all over myself). My head started to throb, I took my migraine medication and went to sleep very early. I woke up the next morning and was still experiencing migraine symptoms. I didn’t really understand why my attack just would not end.

I looked at the results of the election and felt nothing. I thought.

So there are three things that come with autism that I think have made this election especially difficult: Interoception difficulties, rejection sensitivity and, justice sensitivity.

Interoception is the ability to perceive and be aware of internal body sensations.

We use these to know what were feeling, what we need etc. I, like many autistics am not very good at identifying or labeling my emotions/feelings. Let’s be real I suck at this. I am 30 years old and only now realizing what signals my body sends me to tell me I’m hungry. I think partly because I have a hard time actually sensing the things from my body, partly because I take things very literally. My stomach doesn’t “rumble” when I get hungry like I thought it would, I get tired, it gets harder to speak, I have an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I often would think I was feeling anxious and/or tired and reach for a cup of coffee or try and identify why I was feeling anxious, inevitably making me feel more anxious. I’ve now realized this is how I sense hunger and try and eat something- it feels like magic. On my second reflection on this I am realizing that I am so unaware of my bodyily sensations that I don’t feel them until they are way more severe like the complete shut down I go into when I haven’t eaten. I don’t necessarily notice what my body feels like when its angry, scared, sad. I don’t always notice that my heart is racing, or that my breathing is quicker. Sometimes if I do I don’t necessarily know why and it may take hours or days for me to identify that those were due to a feeling of anger or scared.

Rejection sensitivity is intense emotional reactions to perceived or actual rejection or failure.

This is extremely common among autistics and then can also be associated with shame. I don’t want to feel completely devastated and like my entire world is ending when plans I was looking forward to get changed or canceled but I can’t help it. As an adult I can logically ration with myself but it doesn’t change the effect it has on my nervous system. Even the perceived thought of a plan being change I can literally feel throughout my entire body as if there is this sludge filling up inside of me. I now often know that my reaction may be larger than someone else and that can lead to a lot of shame. I didn’t think about the fact that if my candidate didn’t win I would feel rejected.

Justice sensitivity autisic/adhd persons tend to have a stronger sense of justice and morality and contrary to popular belief stronger empathy than others. I think this can partially be because of my black and white thinking I can have a hard time seeing things I think are 100% right from other peoples points of view. I also feel extremely deeply about those things. Things that may not necessarily directly effect me feel as if they’re happing to me.

So all of these things combined have lead to a really confusing few days. I didn’t even realize that the uncertainty of the election was weighing on me. Some of the stress triggered a (migraine) attack or maybe thats how I sense sadness/anger/fear? I spent the day feeling very unsettled and like I had a migraine attack. I tried to do everything I could to help how I was feeling. I journaled, I rested, I went for a walk, I did tai chi, I layed down, I made sure I was eating nutritious foods, maintaining hydration but, I couldn’t feel regulated. The last thing I knew to do was to be around safe people. So I went to my partners house; it was at that moment that everything hit me. I started sobbing; snot everywhere. We went for a walk and I was able to talk and as I started to talk about what I was thinking about I was able to label things… a little.

Now it is Thursday, I am still feeling it. I understand why I am feeling it and that it just will effect me more than a neurotypical person. So I am spending my time regulating my nervous system. I am giving myself grace. I am taking time to physically rest, nourish my body. I am using all of my comfort items, spending time only around safe people, connecting to people who make me feel good via phone, hugging my stuffed squirtle extra tight, listening to podcasts about my special interests, spending time sorting simple items, wearing clothing that I find comfortable, painting, dancing, writing. Reminding myself this won’t last forever. I will feel more regulated again and as the great Justin McElroy said “I’m gonna wake up and keep trying to and do good and no one gets to vote on that”.

When I woke up this morning
I didn’t know
What I would come home to.
Where did you go?
There wasn’t a warning
Now we’re all in mourning
Wond’ring if our time was well spent.

Oh brother dearly departed of mine
Why did you leave
Without saying good night?
I was sleeping soundly
When I woke up to a scream
That I swear was you saying goodbye.

As the time passes
We all start to heal.
Except for one brother
Who just couldn’t deal.
Several years later
All that reckless behavior
Just got him a grave next to yours.

Oh brothers dearly departed of mine
Why did you leave
Without saying good night?
I was sleeping soundly
When I woke up to a scream
That I swear was you saying goodbye.

Now there’s only one brother
Left standing with me.
I thought things were fine
Until he tried to leave.
In sharing this truth,
Though closer in youth,
I thought that our time was well spent

Oh brother nearly departed of mine,
Why would you leave
Without saying goodbye?
I thought that only you
Could understand what I’ve been through,
So at least it would be you
To say goodbye.

Author’s Note:
I debated whether or not I wanted to share this with the world. It’s been a part of me for 20 years. It’s one of the most vulnerable parts of me and putting that on the internet for the world to see is intimidating, even as someone who sees vulnerability as strength rather than weakness.

I wrote that second verse when I was 15 trying to make a song out of it, but more words never came no matter how hard I tried. As the inspiration came though me to write the rest this month, I realize now that I had more life to live before it could truly come to life. It needed to be on the back burner all this time to find the full depth of this feeling I will always carry with me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever try to turn this into a song like the original intent. Just writing that last verse, saying it all out loud, and writing this post have brought me to tears more than once. But it felt right to at least bring it to life as is because Jeremiah would be turning 40 tomorrow and that’s the kind of celebration you do big gestures for, right?

25 years without him, 9 years without Adam, 3 years since other things. This kind of healing doesn’t happen without scars. I am the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been in my life. These feelings still creep in now and again. It doesn’t make me any less happy and healthy, it’s just a small price tag to pay for the love I still carry.

Lately it’s like everything in government is abortion, extortion, and distracting the masses, while the leaders take a portion of the proceeds they send overseas. Doing whatever they please, while ignoring those on our own shores who have needs. There’s nothing I abhor more than to watch our nation bleed, as our leaders continue to bite the hand that feeds… No taxation without representation. A term which should be so ingrained in us, it shouldn’t need explanation. Our forefathers found the only solution, was to rise up in revolution. They made their declaration known, and fought to create this once great nation. Yet here we are today dealing with inflation, moral deprivation, an over run border, and everything we were founded upon in disorder…
The heart is wicked and full of deceit. For a moment of comfort during distress, we’ll lay our rights at another man’s feet. Selfish, self-centered, self-righteous beings who are lovers of themselves… it’s funny how quickly others we’ll forsake. To take all that they have to take. Until the will of that person finally breaks… Even an honest and pure man given power, can have these thoughts start to bloom until they flower. One will seek to further his control over his brother’s soul. Even if they’re from the same mother, and their corpses both lie in the same hole. For pride is their father. And to truly care for another, to them, is really quite a bother. They only seek to further their own gain. Meanwhile doing whatever they need to do to keep hold of the reigns. No matter the sorrows nor the pains. They care not as long as they still carry their title tomorrow…
The whole situation leaves me grieved. To see that our streets aren’t the only places flooded with thieves. As a kid I never would’ve believed that we’d be in the state that we’re at. It’s as if we’re divided more than ever, over everything, especially between republican or democrat. Has this thought ever occurred to anyone else? That maybe, just maybe, the left wing and right wing belong to the same bird? That maybe we’re just pawns in their game? I’m not the type to be given to conspiracy, but it’s like slowly we’re slipping back into a state of tyranny. Where are the ones who care about the common man’s well-being and security? Instead our leaders create bills with their agendas written in obscurity. Where are the ones who walk upright, and in purity?
I’ve witnessed first hand with my own eyes
just how our government and media lies.
Feeding us bits and pieces of truth and misinformation, leaving us to have to follow the clues…
I still remember a Russian man telling me “if you want to know what’s going on in your own country, watch foreign news.”
Or going to a far less wealthy country, and found it quite bizarre to see their currency was worth more than ours…
I’m not saying that I’ve seen the writing on the wall…
But I fear if things don’t change soon, our once great nation will fall

This Planet is under an invisible force field of electro-magnetic waves of a holographic system. To the eyes of many, everyday life is lived in a routine fashion of duality in an infinite cycle of death and rebirth in an omnipresent universe of interpersonal evolution for the ever changing transient beings that we are.
“But through the breath of nature, the lens of extra perception expands beyond the pixelated world of what truly is a non-reality, as it breaks the defense shield of the Elites false normality, exposing the darkest degrees of a lewd Lodge of slitheran whose agenda is to soul snatch the pure nectar of the youthful adolescent in a covert operation to feed the cold blooded entity with a hallow glitch of a stare.”
A mind altering system, of muted subliminal tones to fragment the subconscious of all; with a joyous yet baneful mask, “similar to those faces they wore during the ancient Greek theatres marveling in the guise of laughter, as if it was a land where there was no time”. Under Forced control, with out the remote control, it’s mind bending.
For they find solace in constantly modifying todays hash tags ,like it’s a closed caption to a cliffhanger of a dark mantra to the soundless crimes they commit. For it echoes a deaf tone to muted ears, A lost child sobbing in the shadows of is own abyss. Why must society continue to ignore and be blind to the horrors these Dark Lords encrypt?
Its a Slow dance that is so dense, you can barely see the movement as it shifts. “It is the purity within That vial of nectar that drives those sex demons they possess rampant, somehow its a plot twist to being stuck in between the devils grip. ” Though it is Grim, it is truth that must be unveiled. Like pouring rain flooding the ground , an earthly sound, with clouded skies when the Heavens drown the bloodshed spilled upon the rotten soil to wash away the raging anger of yester years sorrow when they took away the old Queens Crown.
But like sand through the hour glass,
The thinning of those puppet strings hum sounds of harmony like a violin streams screaming swing low sweet chariot ( Because we want every bit of our existence to be free like once again).
Free from the shadow figures body jumping into empty humans as they multiply the supply of rebellion in baals court. Something like A Mighty morphing entity Or so as they pretending to be…
“They find strength in numbers, until one dies then the spirit goes out on a hunt to re collect the next vessel it sees fit to proceed on as a henchmen on the quest.”
But Even the shadows of the main shadow will come to surface with the light of truth before all to see. “They find those with a silent nature a threat, something like me.
Im agile with the gaze of a jaguar , like eyes written on the wall, a witness to there ghoulish acts of psychopathy , a dormant trait I see hidden behind those lazy eyes.”
This is the upside down world, where smiles are really frowns And hand shakes are binding spells for the princes of darkness to hold your gifts and talents in the palm of there hands, its a sizzle in your wine glass like poison for you to drink, Dont blink”. Keep your eyes on the wooden boy who was carved from the hands of another man.
Geppetto was a strange fellow, a forefather who has molded the minds of todays ring of elite Pedos. A Charismatic Puppeteer pulling the strings slithering its tongue in the ear with the charm in his music like the Pied piper in a field of poppies , never fear just beware.
Stand tall and Stand strong, Roar like a lion so that they scurry away and exude the Goddess that you are, like a gleaming Star of shooting fire from far far away.

My grandfather Dr.Leroy Pike taught me Many things and one was too NEVER GIVE UP, If I ever needed help with a project, he didn’t care he was there, and I ALWAYS WON, with his help,I was in highschool and my grandfather saw my classes I was taking for the following year and he KNEW I was better than that, so he went and challenged me and I was in highschool only 3 years, My senior semester, we got word he had Cancer, WOW, I remember hearing him cry and I knew Real Superheroes cried, he got to see me graduate Highschool and was at my wedding, but sadly 3 years later on that very day, he would pass away, ITS BEEN 16 years and there’s NOT A DAY goes by I don’t think of him.God knew I only needed 1 Grandfather and HE WAS and still is My Superhero

Dear Unsealers,

When I was a little girl, my grandfather bounced me on his knee and sang “Three Little Fishes” as I giggled through the song. All he ever wanted was for me to feel joy in life. He died when I was 13. It was my first experience with overwhelming grief, and I was devastated. I coped by leaning into the idea that my grandfather was watching over me and cheering me on in all my pursuits.

He used to tell me that the rain was good luck. So, whenever it rained during big moments of my life, I believed it was my grandfather signaling to me, “Don’t worry, I am here.” It rained at my high school graduation. It rained when I scored big goals in soccer. It rained when I interviewed for my dream job as a sports anchor. It poured the day I was offered that job, which happened to be my late grandfather’s birthday. It seemed like it was always raining on the most important days of my life, which only cemented my belief that my grandfather was watching out for me.

However, on November 30, 2022, it was a clear night in Miami — not a cloud in the sky. I decided to attend a networking event for people in Miami who work in technology. There, I made eye contact with this tall, handsome man. He started talking to me, and after telling him about my company, The Unsealed, he told me that he had founded an online company when he was younger. He said his site received 20,000 organic hits daily (that’s a lot). And so, I started asking many questions — it was rapid-fire, one after the other. At some point, he stopped me and said, “Do you want to continue this conversation over tacos?” And so, we left and ate Mexican street corn and tacos on a picnic table outside a restaurant that doubles as a speakeasy.

It didn’t take me long to realize that this man was kind, intelligent, classy, funny, and thoughtful. From that day forward, we started spending a lot of time together: dinners, events, and even weekend trips. As I opened up to him about my past and my pain, he listened closely. He asked questions, and he never judged me. One time, we were watching a movie, and I had a flashback from my sexual assault. I put the pillow over my head and asked him to change the channel quickly. He turned off the TV, and as my eyes started to well up with tears, he said, “Come here, let me hold you.” When I shared my fears and insecurities about building a company, he said, “Lauren, think of the ten smartest people you’ve ever encountered, and I promise you at least nine of them couldn’t do what you’ve done.” To this day, he always follows through when he makes a promise to me, whether it be a trip to a foreign place or to my favorite restaurant. From the beginning, he has known when I am happy, anxious, frustrated, or hungry — just by the look on my face — and has responded accordingly. He is so in tune with who I am and how I feel that it seems as though my peace is his priority.

Even so, early in our relationship, I was afraid to trust the authenticity of his love. I had been disappointed so many times in love and relationships, and I was on edge, just waiting for the shoe to drop — just waiting for something to go wrong. I couldn’t live in the moment as I was too afraid it would soon end. One night, he was on his computer while I was resting on his couch, and I randomly asked him what his name meant in his culture. He was in the middle of working and responded, “I don’t know — something with water.” So I googled it. His name translates as “the God of rain.”

In disbelief, that was the moment I began to let myself love and be loved. That was the moment I started to trust my partner and the universe. It was the reassurance I needed to know I was safe. About a year later, he proposed to me on the boardwalk at Disney World. We are getting married in a few months, and I am so excited. Falling in love has enriched my life and made the present moment so special, so much so that it has made me believe that magic exists in all of our lives.
For years, the rain was a way for me to stay connected to the joy my grandfather brought me, but now, it’s what allowed me to embrace the joy right before me.

With immense hope and gratitude,

Dear Janice Burgess,
I hope this letter finds its way to you in heaven. I meant to release these words months ago, but events during the summer made me lose sight of them until today. So, please forgive my lateness.

Since you passed away in March, several talented people have also left this earth, such as Rico Wade, James Earl Jones, Maggie Smith, Dikembe Mutombo, and, recently, John Amos.

It saddened me that it wasn’t until the news of your passing that I learned that you were the one who created the cute cartoon show The Backyardigans.

I was entering my 20s and living with my oldest sister and niece in Maryland when I discovered your show. My niece and I enjoyed another kid’s show called The Wonder Pets. It took a little while for me to get into that show, but once I did, I wanted it to the point where I believed I enjoyed it as much as my niece did.

It was a blast watching the three main characters in The Wonder Pets have adventures and talk to other animals in their world.

Once I was eager to watch The Wonder Pets, I noticed your show, The Backyardigans, would come on before The Pets. It looked interesting, but I wondered if I would like it as much as The Wonder Pets. I’m so glad I was wrong about that.
Slowly but surely, my niece and I would start watching The Backyardigans as much as The Wonder Pets.
Listening to the theme song of The Backyardigans was always a great way to start the day when I was babysitting my niece. It was also fun to see what the main characters were up to in the episodes we watched together.

Watching my niece light up when your show and The Wonder Pets came on TV made me light up. I saw how happy you made her. She’s 16 now , which is mind-blowing to me. But I’ll never forget those times I had with her watching your show and The Wonder Pets early in the morning.

So thank you, Ms. Burgess, for creating a show that gave me memories with my niece and all the other work you’ve done. Just from looking at some of your photos online, you looked like a sweet person who gave other people joy.
 Rest in power.

Sincerely,
Gerald

Enchantment I can see, the world is full of possibilities…
The connection that I feel, to something POWERFUL, something greater than me
The feeling of heaven on earth,
The channeling of mystical energy
Feeling what I feel, receiving an inner knowing that magic is REAL
Believing what I see, signs in the universe make me believe, make me believe in magic
What I imagine, is what I see
Dream a little and you will see,
Dream BIG, and it will be!
When I believe, the POWER’S in me, then I will see!
If I BELIEVE in magic

running in slow motion
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
9-30-24

running in slow motion
at an exceptionally reduced pace
toward
away from
not content in the middle
looking back
with mixed emotions
hostility
satisfaction
looking forward
with mystery
a riddle
a question mark
creating a kaleidoscope
black and white
dazzling hues
unsteady
stable
mirrors and shards of broken glass
reflecting
challenging
creating madness
birthing sageness

running in slow motion
at an exceptionally reduced pace
closed doors
barriers and secrets
open doors
exploration and opportunities

My shadow looked at me and said:

“Live.
I am gone and there is nothing you can do about that.

No matter how many tears you shed
lingering on pages bleeding in forbidden ink,
you cannot bring me back.

My time here is done and I have ascended
into the graceful arms of the great goddess above

but you…
you are still human,
so act like it.

allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of human emotions
without letting shame and guilt beat the humanity out of you.

you are allowed to be broken
you are allowed to be sad
you are allowed to be happy
you are allowed to feel it all.

you are allowed to be confused
and wonder why the same
patterns keep showing up in
a different hue
(until you’re ready to do something about it.)

You are human.

Abandon your fear of fear
and accept that abandonment
fucking sucks.
But please understand,
that I am so sorry for abandoning you.
it was the last thing I ever wanted
but you know that we are not the ones in control

Accept that more lies in between
the lines than your eyes can see
and that’s okay.

Chase after your dreams of being
a wanderlust,
and getting drunk on a flight
every time your soul attends its own funeral.
Because unlike me,
you are still human.
and you still have so much life to live.

I’ll always be with you.
I’ll always love you.
I’ll always be present in your poetry
cheering you on along the way.
patiently waiting for you
to wake up to everything I’ve
dreamed and set in place
for you to achieve for b o t h of us.

Our string may be invisible,
But it is still intact & attached to the cloud I float upon.
the one you only see in your dreams
where the moon is playing tricks
with the shadows.

Death is nothing but the entity needed to bring us closer.
so place, do not carry sorrow with my name.

Instead let genuine kindness
blossom in my likeness.
Show them that the whims
of performative niceness
are shallow because
kindness has no malice
or hidden intent
it exists because it is.

And I existed until I didn’t.

But guess what,
you still do!!!
So please
continue on
because
I love you.
and you deserve to be truly,
genuinely,
unapologetically
happy, too 🙂

Jae,
Two years came too soon and on this day, I choose to honor you.

I started as a Seed just as those did in the Field before me;
During my time in the Womb of THE GREAT MOTHER-our MOTHER,MOTHER EARTH-I’ve witnessed The Beauty of Spring;

The Field in Bloom with many shades of gold;
Soon I would be a part of The Ballet the Sunflowers did as they danced in The Breeze of The Spring;

And then I came along;
My Roots were well Grounded and yet I struggled to grow;
I thought it would be easy being a Sunflower, but Oh, did it require so much;
But I wanted to Dance, and so I Bloomed;
And I Bloomed;
And I Bloomed some more;
And I Bloomed some more until I finally reached The Sun, it’s Rays shimmering across my Petals;

Wrapped in its embrace, I smiled;
The Sun smiled back at me and said,”We’ve Danced many Dances, and we shall continue to Dance many more. Now, my love, its time that you return to The Fields for the remaining Seasons”;

I returned and continued to Dance during the Summer, my Petals still full of The Essence of Spring;

I began to lose some of my Petals and their golden hue during The Fall, but still I continued to Dance with The Essence of Spring in my heart;

Winter came and I saw less of The Sun;
It felt too cold to Dance, and yet I mustered the strength within me to bring Winter the Essence Of Spring;

With my brownish, withered body, I Danced until my Petals were no more;
I collapsed to the ground;
Mother caught me and said,”You’ve Danced beautifully My Child. Now, you must rest until The Next Spring”;

As I began to close my eyes, a Ray from The sun shone upon my Petals;
I looked to The Sky to see The Sun smiling at Me;
My last breath drawing near, I smiled back at The Sun and said,”I look forward to us Dancing again”

I FEEL IT, I LOVE IT
IT’s THAT FEELING CALLED HOME.

Kicking off my shoes, as I undo my hair
Hanging up the keys, as I climb up the stairs
I feel the same reassurance flooding my inside
As I peel off my pretenses, my ego, my pride.
Standing there exposed, leaving it all on the outside
There was no longer a need to cover
To fake , to pretend or hide.

For I was finally home!

Kindling up the fires , I brew a comforting cup of tea
With no inhibitions or rules, my soul feels happy, peaceful and free.
This was my shelter , my no judgement zone
Unburdening the weight of opinions
I feel light as just me and me alone.

For I was finally home!

Nudging me to step out,
To discover, conquer and explore,
But enticing me to return,
Today and everyday even more.
Quelling my fears while keeping me calm,
This is one place where I know no one can do me harm.

As I shut the doors each day , I ask myself
Do I ever truly leave?
For though around me , the world and it’s people I see
In my pocket, I secretly carry that piece of home with me!

Give man a weapon & put him in an environment with just the right amount of fear & danger. Train them to suppress all their emotions so half of them suppress their integrity, empathy & respect. So they can abuse & suppress women. The body that was given the power to birth new life had to learn to suppress the natural instinct to nurture because we wanted better lives. So half of them will then birth new life without the capacity to nurture. Co-existing with kids, having more so they have each other & letting them become products of their neglectful environment. Give us easy access to guns, give us corruption in our local governments. Give us poverty, lack of resources & watch how we willingly do questionable things to survive. Watch how we turn against each other, normalize hate & pass it down for generations.
They created a zoo with just the right amount of lack to make a man just one inconvenience away from snapping. We can’t trust our neighbors. Our senses are screaming for us to step back & LOOK at where we are. We are so weak & hopeless that instead of coming together- we let others suffer alone because we are just one circumstance away from being in their shoes. We can’t always trust the system to serve Justice & prosecute fairly- at the same time. We can’t trust the men & women sworn to protect us. We can’t trust that our representatives will hold them accountable when we demand Justice because to hold them accountable would be to count their own days in office. The people calling us to war on their behalf are the savages. The monsters are the people that take tragic events as marketing opportunities. Not the children born into chaos, or the victims of mass shootings here at home.
Gangs fighting for territory protecting streets that are built with houses they tax us on. Streets that we are taxed to drive on. Destroying your youth’s lives while your government makes money off the very thing you claim is yours. While the system abandons the care we are owed in exchange for their power. Care that they tax us on but seldom give. Nothing material belongs to us and we are taxed even when our bodies expire. Some of us had to fight for the right to our own autonomy.
We want reform from an organization that has shown us repeatedly that we have been trained to accept pretty words with no action because in a matter of minutes somewhere in this country we are turning on each other & we’ll forget the real problem. Their thoughts & prayers & staged speeches are evidence that they don’t have the work ethic or integrity to be sitting in those positions. The current system isn’t working, it hasn’t worked for decades & and we can’t keep riding out this wave. Please connect to that pull inside you that is the divine trying to bring light to the world. Please ask for a cease-fire. Please begin here so that we stop creating more work for humanity. These struggles have gone on too long & there is a lot to do but it CAN be done. WE have the power in our hands, more so if we join together. Lets use our voices to advocate for those in suffering. The world is abundant to those who take the opportunity to receive & sustain the new life we deserve. Let us all step away from the daily routines we were forced into. Let us create a better world for the younger generations. We have the power & the opportunity NOW. Older generations sowed the seeds for us. It is our duty now to remind “leaders” that we abolished slavery in the 1800’s. That we see beyond the new age slave structure they created. That we all bleed red. That we want a different Rome and we are done being the machine that creates theirs. Let them use their offices as colosseums so they can settle their own battles. We the people, want peace back.