I used to make a wish on 11:11. But now the time goes by and I don’t even bat an eye, because I used to wish for you and I. You are the shooting star I wished on when I was young , the birthday candles I blew out on my 23rd birthday, the penny I threw in the fountain, you are everything I asked for and more. How did I get so lucky ? Was it all the wishing and fishing in the sea of all the people I’ve ever met , I’d make a bet they’d think it’s luck. But the reality is I had to fight for you. Fight the demons at night that held me so tight. They told me I wasn’t worthy of love and that everyone else would be put above, that is until you showed up. Your green eyes and perfect smile just in time to drive me wild but somehow also make me feel calm and protected. All the times I went fishing in the sea of people when in reality you were the whole ocean and all I had to do was look up , and I guess that’s why they called it luck. I don’t know what to wish for on 11:11 because you already feel like heaven.

I always knew you were good

I tried and I tried to hold on
Till my fingers bled
And my soul all but drowned
I thought I would fall
I thought I would lose you
But something held me there
Something made me stick
There was a piece of thread that was stronger
Than the rest of the rope that had been ripped to shreds
It was you
You held on because I asked you to
Even when I was pissed at you and yelled at you
And pushed you to the edges of my mind
You held on because I asked you to
Even when I thought you didn’t love me and I
Forgot the ways you’ve shown me how well you know me
You held on because I asked you to
You’ve always had the strength that I lack
You’ve always had the patience I couldn’t wait for
You’ve always seen what I pretended to be blind to
I almost let the world convince me that you’re not good
But I could never fully believe them like I do you
I just needed someone to speak my language
To help me understand
To prove what I always knew in the depths of
My heart, mind and soul
Thank you for holding on

I always knew you were good

A somewhat troubled family,
disjointed and unusual-
sit in a lake house celebrating two birthdays,
my stepfather’s and mine.

Both days close together,
but emotions always miles a part.

This celebration is different-
unfamiliar notes and frequencies
fill the air-
Gut wrenching laughter!

Mom’s got a promotion,
Stepdad uncharacteristically soft and proud.
his combat armor off and weapon laid on the ground.
His battle against us is finally over.

He looks at me
and I see him for the first time,
the man he always could have been,
and I let my guard down.

He asks if I could write a poem about this weekend.
I know exactly what to say:

It’s those quiet moments,
when an outer body experience
drowns out the raucous
times we typically spend together.
those moments when full glasses of
champagne- complimented
by the pitter patter of
jovial children
and tipsy adults-
fill your home.

And you take a moment,
to look at it all,
a still image
saved in your mind like a photograph,
capturing the essence of why
you are you,
and how fortunate you are
to have who you have in your life.

And you are thankful.
For at least in this moment in time,
you were able to capture and place this photo
at the front of your picture book.

You hear so many stories that end with
“that could of been me”
“That could of been my reality”

You hear so many stories
That end opposite
Of what happened to you

I was born 1 pound 9 ounces at 26 weeks
With my twin sister who didn’t make it unfortunately
Yet I am sitting here as a 30 year old woman
With a family of my own

You hear so many stories
of a predator being around a kid
taking advantage of them in there youth
when they feel they are being cornered
they do something to cover there tracks
leaving that child without breath

yet I’m sitting in front of you
a product of child abuse
not only physically
sexually at a young age
yet, I’m still here to say
I survived, I am willing to speak for them
who didn’t make it out of the abuse the predator inflicted

you hear so many stories
as the young girl gets older
she digs deeper to fill an emptiness inside
that she tries to fill that void with a guy
since she never knew the right way to love
she thought that abuse was a sign he cared

I sit here and think
despite the abuse I received
despite my mental woes
I was able to marry a man who cares
who treats me like a queen
gives me everything I need
was willing to be patient
from 19 years old he held me in his arms
wouldn’t let go
now 30, with 3 beautiful kids
laughter ringing in our ears
from the moment we wake
until we go to sleep
rising back up the next day
to do it all again

you hear so many stories
of a couple living with there parents
struggling to make it out of there families house

yet after a few years
we were able to pay off our debt
being accepted, like I was there own daughter
they gave me a place to lay my head
we rode the bus and walked carrying groceries
they never judged in any way
they planned our wedding
shared so much love
until one day we are able to say
we moved out our parents home
into our own space

I am able to pull up to our apartment
we have called home for 3 years
accumulated 4 reliable vehicles in those years
a house we can call our own
stability at jobs we’ve had for years
accumulating so many skills
moving from hourly to salary
able to give our kids everything they need
so they can thrive inside our home
sharing there light everywhere they go

you hear so many stories
many being called by the Lord
yet they do not answer the door

despite what felt like a crumbling foundation
my husband going to the military
I heard the call The Lord spoke to me
I answered and He began working with me
although my husband was miles away
he was also being worked on by The Lord
I began writing again
finding a gift I left a long time ago
I began writing for The Lord
I prayed to Him and asked
what am I suppose to do with this gift of my hands?

He spoke through my mom who called
right after I said amen
told me that I was suppose to write a poetry Autobiography about my life
we hung up and tears poured down my face
I asked him to help me tell my story
it won’t be easy but I’m willing to do it
if He gives me the words to write
I read my Bible and fasted
for months poems came to me on my drive to work
I wrote them down once I parked
writing a poetry Autobiography that personal to me
has always been my lifelong dream

by then my husband came home
he helped me find a way to publish through Amazon
break free was the title that ranged in my ears
I was able to heal from so much baggage at hand
now my family together again
we began to melt as one
finding peace in each other’s arms
with support in our families bubble
growing day by day as we shared our stories
on our individual journeys

baseball games and championship wins
going to a airshow my husband showed the Chinook
proud family smiles we all shared
as I look back and think
I have so much growth to be thankful for
so much life I’ve got to live
finding my purpose along the way
discovering my voice inside the rain

it’s not one thing I’m grateful for
it’s not one person I want to give thanks to
I feel grateful to be standing here
despite what the day brings
I am living life abundantly
with love that flows in every vein
lineage and wealth from the depth of our souls

laughter and personalities that light up rooms
testimonies that will cause tears to stream
divine protection in every season
tests and lessons that break the mold
creating a new path for the next generations to go

I am so grateful for many things
a list that can go on for days
before my head hits my bed
I pray a prayer of gratitude
it all started as a thought on your head
that you know every hair that lies upon my head
the path that I was always meant to go
the bumps upon the road
you knew it all and went ahead
I am eternally grateful for your divine timing and presence you bring
I will walk down the straight and narrow path
following your light that shines so bright

I thank you for the love I give
the lessons I learn from my kids
the love and protection my husband gives
the bright smiles I receive
the affirming words they bring
I am in awe when it comes to my life at hand
I wake up happy despite what plays in my head
there is no other place I’d rather be
then here at home with my family
praising you in every moment
building a relationship while you’re molding
me into the vessel you always called me to be
I am at peace you have bought my being

I’m grateful for the breath in my lungs
I’m thankful for good morning hugs
I’m grateful for my community of family and friends
I’m thankful for God’s love that never ends
I’m grateful for a roof over my head
And a comfy, cozy, nice warm bed.
I’m grateful that I have food on my plate
I’m even thankful when I have to wait.
I’m grateful for the clothes on my back
But if I’m being honest sometimes I’m like an amnesiac
Because I forget to count the blessings that I’m grateful for
And sometimes I lose sight of what I have been given and ask for more
But the Lord is good, generous and kind
And brings each one back to my mind
I cannot begin to fathom the many ways
So I sing Him a song of thanks and praise
He has been so good to me
Even working in ways that I cannot see
I’m sure I’m not the only one to be blessed beyond measure
So to you I say cherish each blessing as you would a treasure
Make Thanksgiving more than one day long
Let it be a way of life—a beautiful song
Emanating from heart to your lips
Gratitude rising to the Giver of every perfect gift.
Today I thank the Lord for all He has given
And most importantly for His unending love and provision.

MORNING EXERCISES

I

I write to the world this day
to sense the wonder
asking it to remember the chances
of it’s beauty.

In writing to the world this day
it is the joy of simply Being
of participating with your God
in bringing the depth of a springtime thaw.

The snowmelt engorges the stream
a long male member pushing down

the meadow below awakens with it
there is a newness to the banks
with the stimulated green
coming from deposits of a fertile brown, fine alluvium

beavers repair their woven dams
spreading water over stream banks
the long winter’s nights have given work to them
see them smile as they cut new limbs to weave

the farmer looks back on the newly plowed field
satisfied that the new shoots
will raise their green heads
towards the sun.

The poets write to give
a sense of the wonders
the beauty of broken winter
the people rely on us to do so
to remind them that their paths
aren’t necessarily muddy.

If even for only a few moments
the readers and listeners to the words
that even the mighty oaks
grow new leaves to shade us.

II

Forget what justifications as there may be
giving a elusive credence
to the crimes against humanity
the narcissistic despots propagate

the killing
the dying
an un-natural cycle created by constructs
of pursuing wealth above the spirit.

Stepping over the pollution
of plastic washed up on our ocean shores
ignoring the warning barks of our dog brothers
telling us to beware

we are all animals, children on our solid continents
unheard are the cries
from a wounded Mother Earth
that is rebelling against the wounding.

It is the lance from the picadors
bleeding red drops to the arena ground.

III

I write to the world this day
to again feel warm wonder
asking it to bring forth the new growth
of it’s beauty.

In writing to the world this day
to the joy of simply Being in tune
with your God’s sent purpose
in bringing growth to this spring’s thaw

touch the sprouts emerging
see the little yellow birds
on the tree limbs happily in the white flowers there
feel the smiling warmth of your dog brother

have seeds of wonder grow
in your place, from the ground of what is possible.

We poets write to give away strength
sourcing the pictures of their universal wonders
the people rely on us to do so
showing the beauty in the winter breaking
to remind them that their paths
aren’t necessarily rocky

focus on what color your beauty is
and that warmth from a bright and gentle sun.

Poem copyrighted 07/2023, Ray Whitaker

In the morning, I kneel and pray
Thankful for another day
To be alive and wonder aloud
Because today I can be proud

A selfish thing once was I
Drinking and using, living a lie
Now I am free from burden and strife
I’m grateful that I can live my life

I’m grateful for another chance
To exist in this world, to steal a glance
At what my future could possibly hold
And to see what my story will unfold

Here in the present there are many things
Paintings to paint, and songs to sing
Hands to grasp, and lips to kiss
A life to live, I nearly did miss

I’m grateful for grass underneath my feet
I’m grateful that my heart still beats
I’m grateful that I choose myself
I’m grateful for my growing health

Each day I live brings something new
A different thought, a sky so blue
And with supportive family and friends
I’m grateful that my life won’t end

But what I am most grateful for
Is having you walk through my door
A love I cannot ever explain
You are my sun and falling rain

With you by my side, there’s always light
Hope and joy and sparks ignite
I’m grateful to be sober with you
And to live a life I never knew

Everything means so much to me
I never thought that I could be
Happy and in a better place
A second chance to show me grace

I’m grateful at night to go to sleep
And dream a dream so very deep
But before all that, I kneel and pray
And thank God for another day

I am grateful For:

My sons laugh, where his eyes close and he reveals a smile that heals every wound that’s ever been afflicted,

For the woman who has always been in my corner even when I was circling my darkest days,

For the abundance of energy that I curate and the way my attitude has shifted,

For my parents who worked hard and showed me the old ways,

For the fortitude I’ve been afforded when my troubles were consistent,

For the metal rods holding me together and there was no co pay,

For my friends that heard my poetry and made me perform, they insisted,

For my fellow vets who checked on me when they knew I wasn’t ok,

For the love I now give my body and the openness to holistics,

For me living with love and not having room for no hate,

For all my friends that deployed who were never injured by ballistics,

For the opportunity to switch school that I took back in 08,

For he work ethic instilled in me I project with persistence,

For the faith that i wont live forever, but my words will succumb to no date,

For the truth in my tongue that wants to help elevate extistince,

No late times in the grand design,

For the great spirit and to my future self I’m so faithful,

I hope I emanate all things I am so grateful.

In the moment I share the stage with you, a man amongst the ruins of personality and beauty. Your words inspire me, the qualities of a man that I climb the ladders of ancestry and slowly achieve this image you see. A brave man who stepped into his skin, exhibiting scars of times when processing your riddles of masculinity was a mystery. A formidable opponent where it would take decades of pruning for me to finally grow a sturdy garden of belief. And yet you carried me a seed to term and watered me with wisdom and love In the soils where nothing returns. I’m grateful for you graduating in your class of life my gratitude shakes the core of my soul. You leave me in physical shock and ache for your eyes closed to the stars of cancer as they pinch the life away from you into the emotional sea’s of heaven.
Shine bright star of stars, and shine bright your dreams into mines. So elder star in the sky reuniting the DNA inside. Collect the God in you and rain down the ideal of your life.

Dear, Unsealers:

I’m grateful to be on my own feet. Each day, I see them with all the scars and calluses as symbols of confronting the biggest struggle with having cerebral palsy.

Yet, they’ve carried me from the streets of NYC to sailing around the islands of Santorini. They wobble and tire out easily but they don’t give up on enjoying life.

It’s with that idea in mind that this poem came along:

I’m grateful for being on my own two feet

As I’m able to open my eyes
And see them in scarred, callused glory

It wasn’t always this way, though…

Years of being held back
By varying braces and orthopedics
A mentality that sunk into my mind

Of being helpless
When all I wanted to do was walk
With normalcy, like everyone else

Now, I treasure each step
Whether its out of my room, walking down the block or in a new destination

No matter the difficulty
On hills, boats and all uneven terrain
I step into my power

To be on my own two feet
A feeling that’s worth so much to me

Gratitude doesn’t do it enough justice
For the magic of walking on my own two feet

tomorrow marks 2 years since you left
breaking the entirety of my being in ways I didn’t know were possible.

but, I’m not sad anymore.

I can finally say your name without trembling
and my heart doesn’t skip a beat anymore when I think about you.
Don’t take this wrong and think that I don’t still love you
because I do,
I always will
and nothing can change that.

because e.,
in the years since our eclipse,
no one has ever come close to
making me feel
as loved and accepted as you.
not even myself.

you changed me
and I am sincerely better for it.
the eternal gift of your love and for this I will always be grateful.

self-ideation was a just a concept and
I had no idea who I was before you
showed me what it felt like to be
recieved with intention.

I will never forget your smile
the first night we met
or how gently we kissed in front of Rebar
listening to my favorite band on repeat.
(“one more hour” was always my favorite track, but now it’s even more special because of you.)

I never got the chance to tell you but e.,
you quite literally launched me into this new life as a poet
and propelled my devotion to spirituality.
that one rose quartz caused it all and now I have more crystals than I can even count
every time I get a new one, I think of you
and I’ve finally stopped favoring ones that are blue.
I’ve most recently started gravitating to purples and pinks.
a symbolic representation of my journey of trying to fall in love after you.

I’ve had to learn the hard way that no one will ever love me like you did
and I’m not saying that out of pity or remorse at all.
It just makes what we shared all the better because you are the blueprint
You made falling in love feel like a dream.
You are the reason I know to never settle
and know what it means to reach perfection because you saw it in me
and nurtured it even when you knew you’d have to leave.

That used to make me sad but I understand why now.

Without your influence, I would be doing so much worse.
I definitely would have settled
and probably gotten stuck with a baby
co-created by someone not even worthy of my energy.
(SINCERELY…THANK YOU!!!!)

I’ve written so much about you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
A part of me will always miss you
but I know that we weren’t meant to be
A forbidden love
with a man lost at sea.
My literal sailor and hero
in the U.S Marines

Thank you for gracing me with your presence.
Thank you for seeing what I didn’t know existed inside of me.
Thank you for teaching me that feeling and connection are not something to fear.
Thank you for showing me the importance of surrendering to the universe,
to trust the process and just flow.
Thank you for making me a poet
and forcing me to grow and
receive new love in ways
I never even dreamed

You really did change me e.
and for that, I will always be grateful.
I don’t know if you’ll ever see this,
but that won’t stop me from giving flowers when they are due and my one regret is not being able to give you that while you were still here.
So e.
if this does ever find you,
all I really wanna say is
thank you <3