What GOAL! A goal to succeed a goal to believe, a goal to achieve. Nope not me. However, I do hope and wish for happiness something that death stole from me. If only now I can become a kid again running, jumping, and skipping all over the place.
For the previous years has been dampen and has left me so depressed, I can’t think of a goal only just happiness.
Why look at me funny or stare me down I just want to be happy spinning around and around.
Life can be so amazing then just like that you are caught up in a trap, asking yourself can I get back?
Nope no goal for me happiness is what I seek.
How about money, fortune, and fame if I can’t be happy these attributes will not mean the same.
I want the hole in my heart to close, I want the tears to cease no longer roll, I want laughter that tickles my very soul. I want the joy that comes from within to find me again. Then maybe I will set my eyes upon a goal, writing the best story ever told watch it, watch it unfold becoming like Maya Angelou the lady was solid gold.
For now, my goal is imagining myself in a pool of clowns, one pulling the other tugging everybody’s joking around. I don’t want life ups and downs, but reality is to live is to experience the hardship that goes around. Happiness, joy, laughter, kindness, and love is what I thrive. The goal right now is for me to find me, for my mind needs to be set free and peace to engulf all of me.

The unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. It sounds so matter of fact and easy to avoid. But most humans, not all, live most of their life based on fear. It is a sad fact that we rarely examine in our own lives unless we have suffered enough in order to do so.

Fear is one of the most potent emotions that may either paralyze humankind or drive us toward evolution and change. I currently want to choose the higher roads. I’ll admit that there are still things I do that are anxiety-driven, and I am destined never to be pure perfection. However, from my standpoint, failure or forfeiture is not an option. It never should have been that way, but sometimes people quit, give in, or just collapse.

Anyhow, my fears won’t win anymore. They will always exist, but once you can differentiate rational vs. non rational and persevere through obstacles in your life, you become more powerful. Confidence, clarity and mindfulness can go a long way. I hand my fears over to something greater and more powerful than myself daily. It keeps me humble and reliant on my faith.

I now own a metaphorical tool belt and toolbox. It comes with me everywhere I go. I add more and more tools to it as life goes along. Things that used to be baffle me beyond control, or cripple me, are now being handled with more ease. Things that I would never attempt, I’m now doing. Not only am I doing, I’m accomplishing.

With my tool collection, motivation, and consistency, I’m on the path towards tranquility and a greater degree of happiness than ever before. I don’t plan on reversing my ways now. So, after all the torture for so many years, I won’t mourn you. I will only remember you so I can explore further into the depths of my soul. I won’t cry for you or miss you. Will only think of you, then dismiss you! For now, goodbye fear.

Another year for the books
Many trips into the unknown
What a long journey this has been
But I didn’t go through it alone

My body is no longer my prison
But a shell that I must keep
With reconstructions here and there
It has become the home for me

I walked through a garden of roses
I walked through the streets of L.A.
Spotted “New Flowers” in cracks on the ground
They brightened even the darkest of days

Some of the flowers have withered
Dead leaves fell in their place
I’ve found new joy in bare branches
For everything has its time and place

The seasons don’t change where I live
But I change with every step as I grow
Everything is here for a moment
I welcome, I love, I let go

What will I take away from this year?
It’s hard to choose just one
Each moment was a puzzle piece
Crafted by God’s love

Open doors led to friendship
A fellowship as well
You took a plane, I took the train
And we created stories to tell

This year was a garden of memories
I’ve planted the seeds that you sent me
The kindest gesture in the form of a gift
But the greatest gift of all is your friendship

Thank you for your warm hugs
Thank you for your prayers
Thank you for all you’ve blessed me with
And always being there

I have always considered myself a poet at heart, so it would have felt easier for me to write a poem on this. However, it’s a challenge – therefore, I approach things differently when challenged. Why not think more outside of the box this time? Poems can be interpreted a thousand different ways – this letter is designed to be rather straightforward.
See, writing was always sort of a secret or maybe even subconscious outlet for me to release my inner most thoughts without anyone’s judgement. Also, the love and thrill of falling into the fantasy of something. Even if every human on Earth failed or bored me – that next interesting page still awaits. If I open it up. It can become borderline secretive if you allow it. A secret weapon in my eyes. Like a smart superpower if you will.
My beloved grandmother always told me that if I kept reading & writing it would keep my brain active and smarter, however I never pursued anything in life (at least anything worthwhile in my opinion) that had anything to do with writing. I still somehow kept it in my back pocket. I could type plenty of information on a computer, but does that really fulfill my soul? No. I coasted off other accomplishments, admired other writers & collected a nifty bookshelf over the years.
Here comes the mushy part. Clearly, I spent a lot of years in my life being shy as well as trying to fill my soul with things that were superficial. I would write or make a cool project, but then allow life to get in the way of what really made me truly happy inside. I didn’t like the attention on me, nor did I want rejection – so given the fact I never had any sort of degree or experience I continued to keep things in and just go about my little life.
The real shift came when I experienced serious loss in my family and started suffering mentally as well as physically. Every life trauma I ever experienced started to bleed out of me, preventing me from even functioning. We all know that 2020 was also a strange year and everyone had plenty of time on their hands as well. But in this case for me, something had to be done.
I started writing stories and poems, looking back through old diaries and books, reading different authors, listening to frequencies that helped my brain, taking tips and notes and meditating. Next thing you know I had tons of followers on social media and I’m writing on a consistent basis. I realized …. Why was I always holding back so much? I allowed my insecure fear to block me this WHOLE time. I am a writer! Who is to tell me I’m not? I may not have books published yet or be famous but my Higher Power & signs all from all over the Universe are throwing it right in my face. I just must keep trying to master this art. That’s all.
Then one night I sat with my son who is an avid hockey and baseball player. We watched Derek Jeter’s documentary. Everything I just wrote about in the previous paragraph helped reiterate to me that I wasn’t crazy, and then Lauren Brill and the Unsealed started easily giving me another platform to write and share my stories for so many people to read. Who cares if it’s perfect? It’s art, it is beautiful! It’s for people to read, drift and make their souls feel good.
You don’t necessarily have to wake up one day and be the best at something. But if you get up every day and tell yourself you’re going to do it, put your mind to it and stay consistent- then chances are you will be successful – somehow, someway. At least that’s the way I’m looking at it. I’m on my way to being a new self-published author. So, this is the thank you not only to all my inspirations but to ME for doing that. Changing my perspective, sacrificing certain habits and remaining resilient, consistent and patient is the only way this could ever and will happen.
So sincerely again, thank you Kelly.

Never would I say I was bad, but mischievousness could get in the way.
A scrambled brain teenager; put me in a skillet
I was burning out of control.
Fifteen years old and I was ready to go, not to a dance; not to school,
or a planned activity.
You see I wanted to end it all for me.
What was on my mind that day?
In that apartment I sat silently – by myself.
My thoughts overwhelming, refusing to leave me alone.
I walked into the bathroom looked into the mirror, and only
saw disappointment – a young girl’s failure
Who could I make proud, who would believe in me?
Hands shaking, lips quivering I opened the cabinet door.
I saw pills, and pills galore
This is the end; I can’t take much more.
Life at that time was mean; I no longer wanted to be seen.
Yet, I was only fifteen
What was on my mind that day?
I vaguely, remember; only that my stomach was so sore.
Please stop pushing, push me no more!
God didn’t take me
Life tried to break me, confusion had me twisted as a pretzel
and imagining my family would be better off without me.
I knew that they loved me.
Whatever the reason I wasn’t standing on solid ground
I was trapped in a mudslide I was going down.
The confidence, the strength and the power you see today
it comes from that fifteen-year-old teenager who almost gave life away.

Dear young girl,

Life has undoubtedly presented you with profound challenges that have shaped your journey in unimaginable ways. I know you’ve grappled with your very existence, questioning why you felt different in a world that often celebrates conformity. Every stare from strangers must have felt like a spotlight on your pain, yet those individuals never bothered to ask what lay beneath the surface. You are the girl who wondered, “Would someone ever love me?” The truth is, your chronic illness has placed a heavy burden on your thoughts, body, and spirit, making it difficult to envision a brighter future.

It’s easy to default to feelings of isolation when you are reminded daily of your limitations. The gear – the braces and walking devices – became a constant reminder of your struggles, distancing you from the carefree essence of childhood. Simple joys, like bike rides and splashes in the pool, were overshadowed by the fear of breaking your fragile bones. Anger brewed within you, amplified by the lack of love and support you felt. You faced more hospital visits than playground outings, and behind your smile lay a profound sadness.

You have carried an invisible weight, living each day with unvoiced pain and silently battling feelings of loss and disconnection. Your chronic illness became an unwelcome companion, intruding on your body and robbing you of the chance to experience a typical childhood. Society placed labels on you, defining you as someone who wouldn’t succeed, someone who needed to hide her scars rather than showcasing them as a badge of resilience.

But I urge you to look at the woman you are today! You emerged victorious from those dark moments, and your strength has transformed you into a remarkable individual. You triumphed over what many labeled as insurmountable obstacles. You graduated, and in doing so, you shed the identity of a broken child. No longer do you confine yourself to the shadows; you found your freedom, reclaiming your identity as a whole person.

Now, you are a flourishing woman who has embraced love, motherhood, and your voice. The paths once untraveled have opened up to you, granting you the possibility to dream and believe in the beauty of life. Your scars no longer serve as symbols of defeat; they weave together a narrative that inspires others who face similar adversities. You crafted a story that reveals hope—a beacon for the next young girl who might think that her struggles define her existence.

You are proof that a chronic illness may alter the journey, but it does not dictate the destination. Your journey has become a testimony that speaks volumes in the face of doubt and discouragement. Through resilience and determination, you have showcased that the human spirit can soar, unfettered by limitations.

As you continue to move forward, let your journey resonate with those who feel lost in their battles. You have become an unforgettable voice echoing resilience, showing other young girls that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For you are not merely surviving; you are triumphantly living.

So, hold your head high and continue to pave the way for others. Your story is a reminder: the fight against adversity is a powerful declaration of existence and triumph. Be proud of the woman you’ve become; you are a force to be reckoned with!