“It is my duty, as an air rescueman, to save life and aid the injured. I will be prepared at all times to perform my assigned duties quickly and efficiently, placing these duties before personal desires and comforts. These things I do THAT OTHERS MAY LIVE.”

This is the code of Air Force Combat Search and Rescue (CSAR), my profession, and a sentiment that reflects much of my life. From 6 years of volunteer firefighting and EMS, to my 12 years in the USAF as a Combat Systems Officer (CSO) on HC-130’s the CSAR version of the C-130 cargo plane. I have spent my entire adult life even starting in High School training and preparing in hopes that I can prevent someone’s worst day from becoming their last. I have been blessed with the opportunity to do this a few times as well, and it is a level or rewarding bested only by being a husband and father. My life is dedicated to helping others, but sometimes, I need help.

I was always able to deal with the traumatic experiences my work has put me through by leaning on friends who understand. This is often the first line of help one can get and it is VITAL even if not always sufficient. Whether it was my first dead body, or seeing an unconscious classmates broken face wedged between the dash and windshield of her car 2 days after graduation, my many close calls, or losing a close friend; I could always find help and relief in the arms and ears of my friends and family. They gave me the strength and support to ensure post traumatic stress never became PTSD. But that doesn’t mean it was easy. All of these events gave me nightmares; sometimes for a night, sometimes for a week, occasionally for a month. There would be sadness, depression, anxiety. But all of this would fade with time and help.

But what about when that wasn’t enough? For the last 4-5 years I have been struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. Nothing new, except that it was not tied to anything. I couldn’t get past it because I didn’t have a trauma, life event, or anything else I could associate it with and thus, could not worth through the cause.

In the early days I just shrugged it off, pushed through and got on with life. But the episodes were getting worse, and more frequent. After years of this I was sick and tired, I needed help. After all, being a good husband and father are my top priorities, and this was degrading that ability…

But… I’m a military aviator…

Now, no doubt some of you think you know where this is going. After all, you have seen movies about military aviation, aviators are macho, tough, so surely there is a stigma with getting help! No, actually there isn’t, in fact we share our feelings with each other pretty regularly. No, I was scared I would be grounded from flying and bound to a desk either temporarily or permanently. But enough was enough.

With the encouragement of my wife, I made an appointment with the aviation psychiatrist at my unit. He reassured me that grounding was unlikely and only even a possibility if I was diagnosed with a mental illness. Ok, so now I am less worried!

So I opened up about how I was feeling with the psychiatrist. He gave me some great techniques for dealing with the depression and anxiety such as mindfulness and grounding that have been helping. I have follow up appointments to keep working on this and life is already getting better

Emboldened by that experience, at my annual flight physical with the flight surgeon the next week, I discussed the issue with her as well. She asked some questions about other aspects of my health and determined we should check my red blood count and vitamin D levels. My RBC was in normal limits but low considering I live at 5500ft above sea level and do a lot of running and mountain biking. Probably not contributing to the issue but worth addressing. We also checked my iron which is good so I am now on a B complex supplement. But the real concern was my vitamin D, it was severely low. I never would have thought of it as I spend a ton of time outside. But one of the symptoms is mood swings and depression (hmmm… sounds familiar). So now I am on a high dose vitamin D supplement.

After 5 years of suffering and worrying I would lose my flight status, my fear was unfounded, and what I needed was vitamin D and professional counseling. My only regret is that I didn’t seek help sooner.

Please, if you are struggling, even if it is something you have handled without issue before, reach out. Talk to a friend or loved one. If that doesn’t work, or is insufficient, seek professional help. Please don’t suffer in silence. I am still flying, still doing my job, but I am now also a happier and healthier person on the road to further improvement. And most of all, I am able to be the best husband and father I can be.

Thanks for reading,
SEZ

To The Unsealed Community,

When I was ten years old, I was in love.

I grew up in the 1990s, and like most other girls in my generation, I thought Jonathan Taylor Thomas, aka JTT, was my future husband. He played Randy on Tim Allen’s Home Improvement. I had posters of him in my room, and I listened to love songs imagining the two of us on long walks in the park.

Ahead of my eleventh birthday, my father asked what I wanted as a gift.

I told my Dad, “I would like to meet JTT.”

My Dad chuckled and said, “What’s your second choice?”

I said, “Dad, there is no second choice. That is what I want.”

He told me he didn’t have that kind of power. So, I said fine and told him I would figure it out myself.

Later that week, I went on the internet and started searching. I knew there had to be a way to meet my crush. It wasn’t long before I stumbled across a charity event for Audrey Hepburn’s charity for children. The event hosted movie premiers, fashion shows, and after-parties with child stars in New York City, forty minutes away from my home. The list of child actors had to be one hundred deep: Mara Wilson, Michelle Trachtenberg, Rider Strong, Devon Sawa, and, sure enough, Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Tickets for events were cheap – $10 -$40 per event, per person. So, for my birthday, my mother and I got a hotel room in the city, and I attended JTT’s premiere of the movie Wild America. I manipulated my way to the front of the crowd and befriended JTT’s security, who arrived at the theater a half hour before JTT did. As luck would have it, like every other man in the world, the security guard had a crush on my mother. I ended up in the elevator with JTT and got a picture and a kiss on the cheek. And then, he sat right behind me in the theater. I swear there were moments when he leaned forward, and I could feel him breathing on my neck. The next day at the fashion show, the security guard snuck us backstage. I met nearly every star there, and my 11-year-old self was in heaven.

One of the qualities I love most about myself is I go after what I want. I don’t take no for an answer. I believe I was born with this relentless and determined spirit.

Whether it was meeting JTT at eleven years old, becoming a sportscaster in my 20s, or starting a business in my 30’s, I have never taken “No” for an answer. No has always just meant, “Find another way.”

Through the years, the stakes have increased, and the challenges are sometimes even more unrealistic. But without looking back, I have continued after whatever I have wanted in life.

Even if some days are hard, I live life with no regrets, no what ifs or would have, could have, should haves.

And while I may not have married JTT, like I once planned. Going after him, along with all the other things I love in life, has made me love myself and all that I am even more.

To The Unsealed Community,

Typically, I am not someone who visibly shows the world how I feel. Whether it was a big loss in sports as a teenager or in fourth grade when a boy pretended to throw up when he found out I liked him, I have often, without even trying, kept a poker face.

But how I look doesn’t always reflect how I feel.

During my first year of college, I was having the time of my life: a new school, a new romance, a new city, and lots of new friends.

I looked like a happy, typical college student exploring an exciting new world. And in many ways, I was just that. However, amid this incredible adventure and privilege, there were moments I was overwhelmed and nearly debilitated by fear.

When the sun went down, I was terrified to walk on campus alone. It was only a year and a half since I had been drugged and sexually assaulted by two strangers. I felt so vulnerable that someone could hurt me again at any moment. Whether walking back from dinner, a party, or my boyfriend’s dorm, whenever I was by myself at night, my heart would race, and I would feel this aching pit in my stomach.

Sometimes, when I made it safely, I would go to a bathroom stall or somewhere private and let out a few tears, just as a sigh of relief. Walking at night on what was a beautiful and, statistically speaking, safe campus was a horrible, unsettling feeling – one that I had no idea if it would ever go away.

There are many ways I could have responded. I could have gone home – quit school, and simply remained in the confines of my parents’ home. I could have stopped going out and stayed in my room after dark. I could have withdrawn entirely and hidden from all my fears.

But I didn’t. Instead, my 17-year-old self, consciously or subconsciously, chose to be brave.

I dared to ask for what I needed and took advantage of those offering to help. I told my boyfriend I was scared and asked him to walk me home from parties or back to my dorm room. If he wasn’t available, there were five other 6’5 football players who told me to call or text whenever I needed someone to walk me home.

I had the courage to keep showing up, to keep walking, and to ask for what I needed, knowing deep down I didn’t want this fear to hold me back. No matter how often my heart raced or I got that pain in my stomach, I kept going out. I kept meeting friends, and  attending parties and clubs. Daily, I left my comfort zone, which allowed me to fully enjoy the college experience.

While I still don’t love walking alone at night, my anxiety doesn’t reach the level it once did. And because I didn’t let my fear stop me then, I certainly won’t let my fear stop me now.

Historically anytime I really desired to do something that I really wanted to do I just did it, even though sometimes there would be doubt I would still do it. And anytime I just stayed in my comfort zone I almost never got what I desired. So now that I’ve experienced both getting out and staying in a com fort zone I know that going for what you desire is better than the regret of doing anything. Cause then you’ll live in regret, which weights tons
Right now as I write this letter I’m doing something that’s out of the box for me, which is a program I’m taking which once I accomplish I know it will make me a much better person. Also I desire to take this program for a long time and now I get to take the program after a long time attempting to find it.
Every time I go out of my comfort zone overall I actually always feel incredibly thankful that I took that jump because if I didn’t or refuse I know it will be on my mind until its accomplished one way or another.

Overall through the course of this letter I highlighted the consequence of now going after your dreams and staying in your comfort zone so with that being said I desire to say this last thing. Jack Canfield once said “You are not allowed to have a dream that you can’t make come true”. So go and accomplish your dream “You can’t spell the word goal without the word GO” so go do it, manifest it, accomplish it. You Can Do It!!!
P.S that last quote was one of my own.

As most young children, I had many different dreams for my future. For a while I was completely set on being a princess. I mean, who doesn’t want that true love that’s portrayed in all of the Disney movies? Over time I ditched the glitz and glamour dream for one a bit more adventurous: I wanted to be a spy! As expected, I didn’t end up pursuing that dream, but I definitely was an observant child. As I grew older, I toyed with the idea of pursuing a career as a teacher. I thought about what subject I’d teach, and for a while I said English and creative writing were my favorite, but that was until I found myself loving my psychology class. The idea of understanding how the brain worked and how people operate was so interesting to me, and over time it has become so much more for me.

Truth be told, I never saw myself pursuing a career in psychology, and honestly, I still don’t! I could have gone to a university and dove into the field, but I knew that meant more school and taking on thousands of dollars in debt. Instead of doing what everyone else was doing, I did what I felt was right for me, and that was working full time and moving out of my parents’ place. At 19, even though most of my friends were either staying with their parents or living in a dorm, I still felt that I was getting out of there too late. Since the age of seven, I had been living with functioning alcoholics who didn’t seem to enjoy each other’s company. I witnessed angry arguments, suffered emotional and verbal abuse, and knew too much about adult issues as a child. I knew that being in that space with my parents was not healthy for me, and I had to get out as soon as possible. As I sit here at 27, after going through years of being on different anxiety medications and seeing different therapists, I feel so blessed to live in a time where mental health is being discussed, and I want to be part of that discussion.

In my parents’ generation, and really all of the older generations, mental health was not something that was well known or talked about. People didn’t discuss how childhood trauma affects you later on in life, or how there is usually a psychological reason for addiction, so they all did their best with the information they knew. Nowadays, there is more access to different types, of therapy, as well as helpful resources that are free online. When you know more about yourself and how your brain developed, it makes it easier to understand yourself. For me, growing up in a chaotic environment had an effect on my nervous system, and this was something I discovered once I was living out on my own with my boyfriend. I was so ready to escape from the constant screaming and arguing and just be with the person who made me the happiest. Going from chaos, to a quiet, loving environment was everything I needed, but it didn’t feel that way at first.

Once we were settled into our new apartment, I had a sense of relief and I felt like I was finally in control of my life. Unfortunately, early on it was apparent that I was obsessed with control and I still felt this irritability and anger deep down inside me. I’d find myself having many “off” days and days where I would have complete breakdowns, and it honestly only made me angrier because I couldn’t understand why this was happening. I felt like my brain was on fire and I was constantly racing some imaginary clock that I could never catch up to, and I was always so hard on myself. It wasn’t until I saw a therapist who actually listened to me that I actually felt like I understood myself. She explained how being in an unpredictable environment as a child can lead to the need to control, and helped me find healthy ways to cope with my anxiety. I finally started feeling like there was hope for me and I would be able to live happily without medications, and I am lucky to say that I am doing that today.

Seven years ago, I embarked on a healing journey that I am still on today. I tried different anxiety medications over long periods of time, and even took breaks when I probably shouldn’t have. I saw therapists that I didn’t find helpful, and still hung around toxic people. I still had my breakdowns, but breakthroughs as well, and I over time I learned to acknowledge those. Over the years, I had questioned many things about myself and my life, but there was one thing I knew, and that was that I wanted to raise a family in the future. When I was thinking about my future, I knew that I wanted to be a calm mother who didn’t project her own anxieties onto her kids. I knew that I wanted their father to be someone who I enjoyed seeing every day, and we’d have a love that our children would admire and strive for. I knew that if I wanted these things in my life, that I had to be dedicated to my healing and mental health.

I’d like to say that I was going to therapy for me, but it initially was for my boyfriend. I knew I had a great person by my side, and he truly deserved me at my best self. He didn’t have to deal with my angry outbursts or my coldness, and I didn’t want to keep giving that to him. He saw who I was beneath all of the anxiety and fear from the beginning, and to this day, he still helps me in every way he can. At my lowest, he helped me set up my appointments and would accompany me to them, and today he appreciates and acknowledges my growth. I look forward to the future to when we have a family of our own, knowing we will be able to take the knowledge we have and raise our children in a healthy, loving environment. Of course, life still has challenges, and there is always going to be growing to do; now that I have developed better coping skills, I am able to look to the future with visions of hope and positivity, rather than fear and anxiety. Learning from my therapist taught me so much about myself, and I truly believe everyone can benefit from therapy. Unfortunately, not everyone has access to therapy, which is why it is important to spread awareness by spreading our stories and sharing resources.

My dream may seem like a simple dream: have a husband and some children- but it is so much deeper than that. Of course, that is my dream for myself and my future family, but overall, my dream is for everyone to be their best selves. Some people may feel like they don’t deserve it, or maybe it feels like healing will be impossible, but this is the best time to do it. People may feel there is still a stigma around going to therapy, but there is nothing wrong with wanting better for yourself. Mental health is finally being talked about more regularly in media and on larger platforms, and the more awareness we spread, the more of us can heal. I truly believe that if everyone learned how to love themselves and stop judging themselves so harshly, the world would be a better place. I honestly also still believe that we all deserve that love that princesses get in the Disney movies! This is why I joined this community, and this is why I continue to raise my voice about mental health and spreading love- I believe that we can all be a dream.

As far as a childhood dream, there was always baseball player or basketball player. Things like that. But at about the same time I realized those were far fetched, I realized that all I really wanted was to emulate my parents and make them as proud of me as possible. I realized that nothing would be more important. Seeing how they took care of me and my brother and sister made me know that this was all I wanted. And everything would fall in place after that. Modest? Maybe. But it was plenty enough for me
I guess the challenges of realizing the dream came in the form of every day life. The struggles. The potential wrong paths to hopefully not go down. Situations that would arise that would test my resolve to do what my parents would do. Then as I grew older and didn’t have kids, I was never able to think like a parent and put myself exactly in their shoes. Being on my own at college was when I first had to think “what would mom and dad want me to do”? Because they weren’t there with me.It took some getting used to.
My why is pretty simple : just to be the best Jim Corrao that I can. Like my parents, I live a pretty modest life. They had their fun w gambling trips, golf trips for dad, things like that. But they always put us first and never let anything distract them from taking care of us. I try to do the same with people around me- take care of them, support them. Just be a good person. Live a good life, be a good brother and friend , and make my parents proud. That’s what drives me
I’m glad I have my why because it made me what I am today. Perfect? Not even close. Were my parents perfect? Nope. But as they got older and nearing their passing, I knew that the only thing to do was be with them and do whatever possible for them. I did that. And I will never have regrets in that regard. They are gone now, but their voices are as vocal as ever in my mind. Still helping me. To help them and still hear them is why I’m glad I never gave up on my why. Thanks for laying the blueprint mom and dad. Love you and miss you. But I still hear you 🙂
James Corrao

Dearest she,

I never took the time to thank you; You have carried me through these trials with patience.
I have bled, scarred, and rejuvenated under your tutelage.
I am grateful for your reminder to be better than the shadows that have always followed me so diligently; while darkness spread, you molded caves of truth. As you roamed in the deep crevices of my sentiments, you fabricated dimensions of safety. Cautiously translating those corrupted images into languages only you and I could ever comprehend.
Frankly, I am pained by the routes you have taken. These heels, carved with your roots, still seem to find their way through the trees. I turned a blind eye to the breadcrumbs of my ancestors while passing the familiar yet empty roadstead, only for the outcome to be the same. I am grateful for your beautiful insanity, courage, and your uniqueness.
Carefully cultivated on your terms, I carry your teachings with me as I do my mothers.
I stand forever indebted to you for never shielding me from opportunity.
Your passion has kept me in constant fruition. There is no one I would rather travel through this metamorphosis we call life. I may not have treated you with the fairness you deserved throughout these years.
You have never disregarded my tears.
You have used them to water my fears so I may face them with you by my side. You have demolished my dragons. Your sword has yielded my path towards greatness.
Someone once said that in unity, there is strength, and together we are one.
This matrix may be deadly, but all my strength has come from the cries of our wars.
I am she, you are me, and we are together. There is no “one” dream. I have many. I will keep pushing and shoving through the heavy waterfalls I blindly throw myself in.
I know now that the love I found within you, self, I am strong and can do it all.
Thank you.