You ever try to envision your future — and it looks pitch black ?
Ppl ask you who you wanna be or what you wanna do — when you grow up
Your single mother was livin in survival mode just like you — doing the best she can
Too busy to sit you down and ask —
“Baby, what you wanna do when you get older? — We gotta start to plan”

Before she knew it — your life began
You’re 17 and graduating and the years flashed right before — her eyes

Now her little girl is pregnant & must grow up and time just passed her by

But don’t get sad on me now — momma — just hold on — hang tight

This is just the beginning — This is not the end

Lucky for her — she was never alone, God had her back… & he became my best friend

You see — For many of you in my same situation
I too grew up w/out an earthly father — to help raise me
but as it turns out — I never really needed him — anyway

My heavenly father picked up his slack . . . Im just another witness & reminder of that —

He placed the right ppl in my life
to help guide me down a — virtuous path

I just had to shift my perspective & be open — to accepting his plan

Gods timing is perfect, he’s never late —
he was just waiting for me to take hold of his hand — on the other end

I had to keep my focus on someone that was beyond me & my current situation
Had to let go of any self pity and all excuses I had created
I could say lucky for me — but most my life — it felt far from it

Regardless — It was never luck or chance
Just a shift in perspective & a blessing in disguise
We all have those — everyday — we just gotta be willing — to open up our eyes
So pls — don’t let yourself be minimized

By yourself — or your surroundings
or anything else — you may be lacking
He makes something out of nothing —
time and time — again
Live life — like it’s already yours — and in due time — it will come — you will win

My first step in achieving my goals came from finding my greatest weaknesses —
Had to figure out how to turn my weakness into power — so I laid them — right beneath him

But first — let’s take it back to beginning— before I started winning

It was my big bro & my middle school sweetheart
That’s who did it —

My big bro held a lot of anger inside — while tryna figure out who he was — and what he believed in

As for my baby — He was born into a different lifestyle than mine — and I wanted nothing more than to — save him
I didn’t want to lose him — in more ways than simply just — our relationship

I had To try to prove to myself and to them
why the man up above
was the one to believe in

I’d not been able to overcome and succeed in all that I have — if it wasn’t for God — & his strength in our weakness

I wanted to show them a love — so pure
but first — I had to start — by believing

I wanted to show them his love but I knew — it would take lots of time — and patience — for them to see it

I Had to do it in a positive way
not too pushy— or rushed — or forcefully done
Cus the God I knew, taught me — early on — that’s not what real love was

Unfortunately — my current circumstance didn’t yet reflect the God — that I knew & loved
I was only 15 yrs old & hadn’t lived long enough
I didn’t have anything to prove or show for it — just yet
So I had to put my words into action even tho it was hard
I always suffered from anxiety and lacked concentration and because of it — I struggled bad
I was made out — to always feel dumb
but — I was far from that
The worlds a cruel place to live in — and at times
I believed what theyd sung
But Gods words over me and my life were different
and they’ll also speak life unto yours
So I had to live by the words that I preached
so I too could believe the words — that he spoke
it’s been almost 15 yrs since than and I’ve accomplished a lot in my life that I sought out to do
I’m still so far from done but I’m doing what I can —Lord — to make sure — it all points back to you
So here are some of my goals he helped me achieve — (he helped me come true)

I knew nothing about kids and babies
Not a clue how some day i would become a mommy
So I went to school for childcare
and became someone I’d never known
I became a infant toddler teacher and got to hold lots of babies and watch them grow
I was able to raise my baby boy — good
even tho a few yrs back I would have never thought or knew …
Remember when I sd i used to see pitch black
—Well things changed real fast when
God said to me — nahhh bby girl — wait —till you see —what I’ve got in store — for you

next up— I decided to get certified to become a foster parent
but that’s something I still have to do

I decided I wasn’t done just yet tho
so I went back to school to became a nail tech
Too
& still I thought that wasn’t enough so , I said,
how bout a barber too

Life’s been a whole lotta up down rollercoaster wild ride adventures — this is true
But pls don’t get discouraged by my accolades thus far
cause they come and go the same way we do
They will all fade into dust someday but one thing will remain to be true
My biggest goal that i accomplished & the one that matters the most
is — that even — if no one else will believe—
I proved to myself — God is true

It’s been a while, I am a bit rusty at this. Please forgive the errors and step into my shoes for the moment.
I’m an insomniac. I have been, for most of my life. I never understood quite what caused it, but it stated in my early childhood. It started and stemmed from Fear.
Most of the time, it starts out with tossing, and turning, thoughts in my head running out of control until I can no longer stand the pace in which they are going. I roll, and I roll, toss, and turn, then I grab my phone, and I scroll.
As I scroll through the many stories, posts, and automatic ads, I see all of the beautiful people, living their beautiful lives, the screen before me stops at a writing contest.
A writing community, by the name of theunsealed. For the moment, my eyes ached and burned, I wanted to turn away, instead, I hit that button.
That button, was the very button, that led me to the greatest group of people and jumpstarted my healing journey through writing. Clicking that button, was the start of my dreams coming true. The minute that she responded to my question.
I didn’t think that I would ever become a published author, and often felt that I had let my Grandmother down. I had given up on writing in 2009 for personal reasons. In that moment, there was a spark of hope.
Negative thoughts often come with the package of insomnia. My dreams always seemed so far out of reach. I had been struggling with my past trauma, and in an instant, I was able to organize the jumbles of letters together into a beautiful story. Each of them, became my truth, my story, my power. My dreams coming true.
Each of the 5 books that I have been published in will tell my story. In poetic sadness, and in hope. Each of my entries came from my heart, and my insomnia Unsealed.
It’s a blessing and a gift. To read my words on paper. To receive the email that my entry has been chosen to move on. That everyone, is how my dreams came true! My heart will forever be filled with gratitude for all of you.
Keep writing beautiful ones. Keep writing.

I received death threats
from my subconscious.
Inviting racism into the foreground
of painted images where black fathers are missing.
( A centerpiece to Black cultures downfall /
an essential fabric worn by criminals)
Wanted posters plastered to define
what black culture is and was.

My subconscious reminds me of enslaved
woman drowning children in murky waters
to hide from slavery.
It caused me to question what defines Black fathers.
Are they parables? These quick spurts of nostalgic
temperaments in surrealist dreams.

Are they the attention to hang nooses
around the necks of family codes for a better living?
Are they abandonment that draws the line of division
to multiply family issues and keep these conundrums a
foreshadowing of my future.

I think they are a call to greater
pastures. A pair of shoes that need the soles
of a savior. A message to heal the wounds
of distant ancestors who live in me.
I awoke from my dream as a father to-be
encapsulated within imagery
of my family to be.

I remember thinking that I’d get sucked into the drain along with the water after a bath. I know now that it was because I could not see what was on the other side. Just a baby in the universe, so it made sense you know? My Ama would laugh & tell me not to be afraid…I believed her but I still didn’t know what was on the other side.
I remember looking at these little pieces of me- afraid of going down the drain after a bath. But I knew what was on the other side, so I’d laugh & explain how it wasn’t physically possible to go down the drain. But they were babies… so none of it made sense.
I remember opening my eyes to see God before me, laughing- with the same adoration in her eyes that I had when my babies clung to me. She was confident that there was nothing to be afraid of & amused by my fear of the unknown.
I realized a few things then, but mainly that I was just a baby in the universe. Afraid of silly things that I don’t know yet & things that I can’t see. I can bet that if I just have faith to keep going wherever life leads me, I will find myself on the other side of what was once unknown…& I will probably laugh. So I want to encourage the readers to let go of fear & go forward in peace. You don’t need to know what is on the other side, you don’t need to play it safe or set limitations. I promise you will get to where you need to be if you just persist. It would be a much more pleasant experience if you do so in peace. So have faith in yourself & in your ability to achieve your desires. You are here for a reason and it’s your job to make it there.

If you find yourself getting frustrated because you haven’t gotten there yet, channel that energy & label it instead as motivation to keep going. Your soul is telling you that you’re so close. If you find yourself in a stagnant place, take that time to recharge. There is so much beauty in the now and you only get one chance to be present in the now. Just be, before the moment is gone. That faith will remain in the back of your head- what’s for you will always be for you. Expect it just like you know to expect the reflection in the mirror looking back at you.
We do not have to fear the unknown, we’ll know it one day.

As a child, I went so mild-to the Best School in the world
Southeast Elementry, Kindergarden was plenty-even grade 3 had a sweet girl.
Poor with nothing else, but was so happy-most everyone had such cool stuff.
Free to learn Mr. and Mrs. alphabet-and the menu at lunch was so much!
So I learned how to put those letters together, and write my heart so young
And never thought I’d see the day-I’d be writing from “The Unsealed” Love!
The kids then at School, I remember so cool-how they all truly was
Now yrs. gone by, they still are cool-though life makes me cry from above!
Was not fair for them, nor me, nor any-how things turned out as they did,
Though tradgety so far makes many alarmed-Adults reap the good sown as kids.
So all to find, all reap some good-at different levels, experiance normally would
Take the cons with the pros-could of been a prep, but had to be a hood.
Went so fast, I tried like crazy-to keep my grand childhood free…
But was taken soon, as a swift blast-so God gave Grace to me!!!
By grade 6 I was sick of the sticks, where my Dad moved us all out so-
Therefore I took and ran away-and ran so mad, everywhere I did go!
Drunk and high all the time-every reality I had to escape
My lost soul out of control-so long my madness, lived in the hate.
But this is not about, how I dropped out-of the Southeast Pirates School
It’s about how I wanted all along-again to be so happy and cool 🙂
More yrs. gone by, deeply stuck in pride-But bottomed desire comply,
To the time I wished I could be-the such happy kid I thought to hide.
Then from the Best School in the world, to the school of streets’ hard knocks-
I waited, and waited, and waited a lot…Until by God I was finally caught!
Then He took me to the place-And enrolled me in the School of Amazing Grace!
Now by the faith of my inner child-He took me off trial-For Jesus to pay my fair!
And I tell you all the while-come to find out, He really always did care!!! 🙂
October 18th, a life-changer indeed, He made this broken man complete-
And showed me the way to jump in the hole, and guide the others out of defeat!
Yes, I graduated and He gave to me-Eternal Life when I was dead…
Now everyday is made brand new-in the School of God’s Grace Again!!! 🙂

Yes, Dear world, on His time-He made my dream come true!!! 🙂

*PRAISE HIM*

So lovely.
Say it with me, so lovely.
The whispers constantly there, who owns them?
The feeling constantly fear, who hones it?
The path constant effort, Let’s show it.
Freestyle life, whispers *hone it*
Perseverance, *renowned it*
Simplicity, always rejoicing in it.
Warrior, no beef, peace, humanitarian, fruitarian, little u.
An open vessel. All emotions, wide open. let them all in now.

When I first became aware of the importance of you, I was an adult who had been put through so much trauma that I mourned the loss of your innocence. I sat in my grieving with you for much longer than I should have. I pretended I was fine. I pretended we were fine. We were not fine. Not fine in any way! I pretended that the pain that would encompass most of your childhood and young adulthood just was not that bad. In realty, it was not great! In reality it was abusive and toxic! I did not want to face the layers of traumas. The pain was just too intense! I just couldn’t stand seeing how much you had been hurt until I faced those layers of pain as an adult. I put off facing the layers of pain for far too long. Then when I began to face it, I got accused for many years of just not letting go of my past. I would get yelled at by my mother for just not letting it go! The truth was she did not want to face what had happened to me either. Then she would have to do some inner work. That is her journey. For me, the truth was that I had to chip away layer after layer in order to free and heal myself from the confines of my childhood. I spent eight years actively healing the traumas that had happened from the time I was nine years old until I was thirty-six when I had blown up my abusive marriage with divorce! The explosion of my marriage was my way of setting myself free from all of the abusive narratives I refused to accept any longer! Oh how I am proud of myself for that disruption to my timeline! I did not want to repeat the patterns that had led me to the fact I had survived many layers of abuse as a child and as an adult because I thought that was my fate! Oh how I want to go back and hug the thirty-six year old version of myself. I will get there, but first I had to love on the little girl who I look at each day in a Polaroid photo that feels as the perfect reminder of how precious time can be when we look backwards or forwards. Looking at that little girl in that Polaroid photo held my motivation to stay on my journey of insisting that I had to heal as my guiding force. I also needed to look at this photo to Remind me that I refused for my children to have to survive the unhealed parts of their mother on their own journey from childhood through adulthood. I demanded better for them! I demand better for myself!

Now, I work a little harder every day to heal what had been done to you. What had been done to us. I keep a picture of you at the age of eight at my desk to remind myself every single day that, you are loved. I tell the younger version of myself each day, “I love you.” I actively have changed the way I look at myself as an adult, because I have learned to love the younger version of myself. Now, I count the blessings that helped me to survive the abusive nature of my childhood. I focus on the people who helped me to be a better version of myself. I focus on the people who loved me when I could not love myself. They saw that I was more than the circumstances of my childhood which would bleed into my young adulthood. I look at that picture of myself at eight years every single day to remind me that I am still amazing with a world ahead of me! I no longer grieve the loss of her. I embrace her with all the good and all the bad! I am not defined nor am I broken, but all those experiences I have navigated through.Now, I look at the possibilities ahead of me! Those experiences made an impact that I carry each day as a reminder of how far we have come. My younger self and who I am now match one another. I look at how far we have healed and some of the work I still have to do on my path to further my healing. This daily reminder interlaced within one Polaroid photo has helped me to reignite the pain that I had stuffed down for so long. I had to look back and face the pain in order to make sense out of it, so I could move forward and not inflict that pain onto anyone else. I needed to learn to love myself! I needed to learn to empower myself!

Looking back is not always a bad thing. It just is a way if used with a healing intention a way to simply heal what had been hurt with myself. I cannot speak for anyone else’s journey, but for my own. I love that vivacious energy I had as a child! Those endless imaginative ways I saw the possibilities of world was inspiring to others, but most of all to the older version of myself! I just wouldn’t realize it until I became an adult and faced it. I have done the work. I have looked at each nook and cranny of my past. All I see now is a girl who needs more hugs, more reassurances that she on a better path that I can now give to myself. I no longer look outside of myself to know I am lovable! I tell myself every single day that I am worthy of love! So, as I look at the photo of the younger version of myself as I write this I am reminded that, I love how beautiful you looked in your sun dress and that you had a smile that you see in your son! I love that your eyes sparkle like your daughter! I simply love that you are apart of me! As I look at that Polaroid photo I see your energy was not taken advantage of then and you had endless ways to show off your silliness! I needed the daily reminder that as an adult now, I am amazed with you and how you hard you held the innocence of all that encompasses you! I hold that so close to my heart for us. Every day I look at that picture where you are smiling and full of joy and I see my kids! I see the love and security I poured into them so they did not have to suffer the way you would a few years after that photo was taken. Sarah Jayne, I love you with all of my heart!

Optimism crushed under the weight
Of life’s injustices and lies
Childlike wonder suffocates
As the world-weary soul grows wise
A tender heart turned to stone
By the world’s disapproving eyes
The inner child barely hanging on
But kindness never dies

The authentic self bound in chains,
Beaten, berated until it complies
All quirks and flaws met with disdain
Hidden under a respectable disguise
The voice of reason utters its last sound
In weak, despairing cries
The inner child broken down
But kindness never dies

Morphed and molded to society’s rules
Into something I don’t recognize
Pressured to become callous and cruel
The inner child’s inner voice defies
One childlike trait persists
Like phoenixes from ash rise
The inner child still exists
Because kindness never dies

Dear little Antoinette,

We are on a trip down memory lane. While I thought I was just planning a trip to show our family where life started, you were planning a healing adventure. We’ve cried a lot. We hung out a lot. And we’ve gotten to know each other better.

I loved letting you lead as our children got to meet your carefree spirit. Swinging from ropes to drop into the very cold springs, canoeing down the peaceful river, jumping off platforms! Making core memories with our babies on the swings right outside of our cabin in the woods. Showing our husband the fearlessness within on hikes through the wilderness.

I know leaving was hard, and you didn’t understand why we had to go and you hadn’t a say so. Thank you for allowing me to meet you at our old house and console your pain. Seeing you jumping up and down, scream “Why did we leave?” Was heartwrenching. Yet, wrapping my arms around you as you sobbed, in the most healing way was the absolute highlight of this journey. Despite spending the majority of our lives in South Florida, North Florida is and will forever be home; I know that now. Soon enough we will be back home. Patiently waiting is one thing we find challenging, however, if you allow me to take the lead we will be back!

You are so brave! You are so carefree! You are so fearless! You are so adventurous! You are so authentically you! I’m so grateful to have spent this time together, and to have introduced you to my family! Thank you for reminding me of who we are at the core. What you have done for me is honestly indescribable! Now, what I will do for you is, set you free!

I love you always!
Forever – Me

My innocent smile of childhood
Is what I miss most from long gone
Days where naivety, fun fumbles, were good
For a laugh with family, friends, undone

By the simplicity of the life of a child
As you went about cheerfully hopping
From one daydream to another, a hidden bard, flipping,
Hiding in plain sight, forgiven for being a child.

Never let your smile drift into the sky,
Let it balance your mood, don’t brood.
As you smile, cheer will surround
Your every move as you inspire joy that’ll fly,

Flinging your dreams into reality
As your positivity you embraced,
Will endow you with being graced
By happiness, a comforting embrace.

©️Malak Kalmoni Chehab ©️