I’m fifteen days into the new year.
I’ve taken no more than twelve steps,
My eyes blink, and in a flash I am here.
My ’empty’ falls, I stand. In God’s light, at my best.
An astral curtain, I’ve just phased through.
Sheer focus aimed ahead; No more playing dead.
Side not with the wicked; rather, the justly shrewd.
Most haven’t seen what hell has to offer. I have, and I’m through.
I’ll march forward. Alone, or with a few.
Nevermind those shadows, we walk in truth.
You’ve got me, and I’ve got you.

P.S. I understand this is quite vague/cryptic. I don’t wanna give too much away on my goals just yet. Still in the process of organizing/compiling 🙂

Every year she asks.
I peel off my skin
scour for shortcomings
failures.
Pen to paper before the deadline
when two arms reach for the heavens.
One night makes us new
clean.
This night defines our goodness
our worth.
2024?
What will I feverishly change
reject
in the name of betterment
self hatred?
2023.
Magic came as pain
pain as fog
disguised healing.
So when she asked,
what needs to be fixed?
I know.
It’s the part of us that asks such questions
the part of us that is her.
I say,
this year will be hard.
It will require more
more than a year’s work
more stillness
more rest
more presence
more silliness
more creativity
more healing
2024?
There will be more.
More for me.
More of me.

So there I was, sitting on a twin-size air mattress on my cousin’s bedroom floor in the Bronx–jobless, depressed, and suicidal. It was at that moment that I realized that I was the only person that could save me, so I had to become a Phoenix. I had to spread my wings to fly or I was sure to die. I’ve been told my entire life, “You’re so strong. You’re built for this. You’re the strongest person I know” but nobody knows the violence it took to become this gentle.

A little over a year ago, I had an ego death. After months of suicidal thoughts and PTSD flashbacks from my childhood, I mourned, grieved, and rejoiced all within a day. Suddenly, I realized it was destined that way–that I was destined for death and rebirths so I changed my name to Phoenix Ríszing. I had to die in order not to die. I had to die in order to become new. I had to let go of the version of myself who was trapped in suffering–allowing myself to grieve various versions of me that no longer served the woman I was becoming.

I spent the majority of my early-mid 20s using drugs and sex to repress my childhood trauma; trauma I didn’t even remember having, that was, until I experienced my first PTSD flashback over a year ago. It was a panic attack and bodily flashback episode that brought me back to that 7 or 8 year old little girl who was once molested. That flashback showed me the reality of being a trauma survivor and how easy it is to bury traumatic memories deep within as a way to protect ourselves. Even if we have no recollection of repressing these memories–which I did not. It’s no wonder, as an adult, that I attracted a partner who would trigger and mirror my childhood trauma so intensely until it forced me to acknowledge how my childhood trauma led me into a TRAUMA BOND with a toxic partner. The trauma bond eventually led to a new sexual trauma–one that had come to me in a dream as a warning, yet quickly became a premonition and unfolding of my worst nightmare. My ancestors and my higher self had no choice but to step in considering that I was running down a road that almost cost me my sanity. I spent all of 2023 processing and recovery from past trauma, but in 2024, I will spend my year LIVING. Loving myself unconditionally and unapologetically. In 2024, I am honoring my needs without guilt. In 2024, I am raising my standards and the price of access to me. I will no longer be offering my body to others in exchange for “love” or validation. In 2024, I will forgive myself for all the things I convinced myself I needed to do in order to survive. In 2024, I will collect memories that remind me why it’s a gift to still be alive. I will sit with my inner child and remind her that she is loved, seen, and protected in ways she wasn’t all those years ago. We will hold hands and pick flowers, blow bubbles, and daydream about the future that has never looked brighter for us. For the first time in my life, I will choose ME. I’ll choose us.

My journey has not been gentle with me and because of this I’ve been forced to address ancestral pain and trauma. It has taken immense courage to sit with this. From an early age, I knew there was heavy darkness in my bloodline but as an adult, I’ve been able to break the curse by choosing healing. In 2023, I was called by my ancestors to heal and protect my bloodline through embarking on this healing journey of healing generational trauma. I had to die and rebirth myself several times. It feels strange to say, but I am thankful for my traumas and my demons. Not because they’ve given me ANY grace, but for volunteering to teach me just how resilient I am. Truth is, I thought I could outrun my trauma until one day it finally tapped me on the shoulder. Now, my trauma and I are becoming one–like lovers in a tub of roses. I now throw roses into the abyss as a way to thank the monsters who didn’t succeed in swallowing me alive. This is my offering to my monsters and the version of me that I let die with them. In 2024, I will look in the mirror and tell myself “I’m proud of you. Thank you for existing” In 2024, I will love myself more because if I don’t who will?

A new year, a new me what will it be? Longing for change but staying the same. Fighting the wars of fear, failure, self-doubt, procrastination, and no clear path to gratification. Trying to pry the doors of abundance and prosperity open; only to be met by my own self on the other side, keeping them closed tight. This year’s goal is to win this fight. To find purpose, to find peace, to find the broken pieces of my dreams. A new year, a new me.

A proposition to my future self:
I will hold myself both accountable and protected
I will stand firm in the earth, barefoot when possible
I will copy song in birds and tend to any garden
I will hold conversation with the neighborhood cat and slow down to watch the sunrise
the sunset
I will speed up to meet the stars and run wild to the horses
I will see myself in everything
I will love myself in everything
And I know I will keep burning in everything
but
that is something I will finally accept

In the coming new year, I’ve decided I’m finally going to lose weight. I’ll look good and feel great, with a smile on my face. Why? Because I am FINALLY going to lose the weight.

Lose the weight of fear-the fear of trying and worrying about what will happen if I fail. Yeah, I might sink, but what if I sail? Fear will no longer stop me from learning, growing and becoming more. I know, I know-I might fall. But what if I soar?

This year, I’ll lose the weight of responsibility. I know how that sounds, but let me explain. I am hereby no longer responsible when others choose to repeat the cycles of self-inflicted pain. The truth is I realized I am not responsible for how other people feel, and I only learned that when I decided to break out of my own cycles and finally began to heal. I will learn to set boundaries and see to it that they are respected. I am no longer accepting your terms for my life, consider them rejected.

Speaking of feelings and cycles and pain-bitterness tried to take root in my heart, but I’ve decided to deny its claim. We all have been hurt in this life, something we couldn’t stop from coming, but your ashes can’t be turned to beauty if you stay angry and unforgiving. So, I’m going to lose the weight of this hurt, which before may have seemed far too daunting, but sometimes just letting go of how you thought things would be, can give you the closure you’re so desperately wanting. Hurt people hurt people, no one is exempt from that. So, you won’t find me on a high horse, pretending I’ve never stabbed a back. This is what it takes, this is how you heal. I’m dropping the facade, just give me what’s real.

I am letting go of the need to always be in control. It’s an impossible feat and one that is bound to take its toll. It’s laughable, if you think about it, really and in the words of my baby girl: “No mommy, that’s silly.” I am learning there is beauty in the unknown. A new adventure or an unexpected call from an old friend, life is like a great book, though we don’t yet know it’s end. So, yes, I’m losing the weight of trying to control everything. I’ll sit back and enjoy the ride and just let life do its thing.

I think I’ve made my point, I think you get the gist. Though I have a lot of goals for the new year, losing weight is at the top of my list.

New year
New me?
No not new me
Same me
But with new goals
New goals
New aspirations
Do new things
For the new year
A chance to rest
To restart
To do the things
I said I would
But never did
Last year

It’s a new year
So set new goals right
Make new resolutions
Is what everyone says
You do
In the new year
So what are my goals?
That’s a good question
I ask myself
I haven’t really thought about it
But I know I should
So goals I want to accomplish
In this new year are

Getting my drivers license
It’s something I should have by now
But I don’t
29 with no license
I never really needed it
From living in a city
In a neighborhood
Where I can walk to anything
But now as I get older
I realize I need it

Drinking less
I drink for many reasons
I like the taste
With friends and family
Gives me confidence
Out of boredom
To escape my thoughts
To drink my feelings away
Which where it gets bad
I know I shouldn’t do that
Drink to forget
But I did
I used to
Last year I tried
Slowly down
I was doing good
But had my slip ups too
But this year
I want to try it again
Drinking less
And actually accomplishing it
For my family
For my friends
And most importantly
For myself

Focusing on myself
Along with my mental health
Such as getting back into yoga
I took classes every weekend
But then stopped
When they filled up
Too fast

Mediating
To help calm down
And to clear my mind
My mind has a million tabs open
It’s always fasting
I need to slow down
And focus on myself
Working out more

Climbing
Climbing helps me
Both physically and mentally
It clears my mind
It makes me have to focus
To figure out how to get
To the top
Works my muscles
Legs and arms
I feel it when I stop for awhile
Makes me feel stronger
Makes me feel better
Afterwards
It’s a challenge
And I love it
I need to climb
More this year
And stop making excuses
For why I can’t

Journaling
To release my thoughts
My feelings
My emotions
In a better way
A more healthier way
Then before
I can’t speak
How I feel
But I can write it
How I feel
Writing to let go
Of the darkness
That’s inside me

So these are my goals
My goals for the new year
Will I accomplish them all?
I don’t know but I will try to
These goals may be small
Compared to another’s
But I don’t care
Because these are mine
My goals
To reach
To make
To achieve
In this new year

It’s 2024.
The welcoming celebrations have ceased.
On my first day back to work,
A coworker asked,
“What do you want for yourself this year?”

I said, “It isn’t a matter of what I want,
It’s what I need…
There’s nothing
I need more than to
free my mind of thoughts
on what I can’t do.”

She pondered…
Then questioned,
“How will you get to that place?”

“I must embrace fear,
let life run its course,
face challenges head-on, and
gracefully excuse myself
from my zone of comfort.

With that, I need to
express gratitude,
take better care of my body, and
value my mental.

Last, I’ll build on my knowledge,
smile more often,
act with love, and
work to master the art of patience,”
I declared with great excitement.

“I see you have it all figured out,”
she replied.
“No, I just know what I need,”
I assured her, casually.

On January 1st of 2024, I found myself making a vision board for the year.
I had done the same last year and looking back and seeing all that I had accomplished and followed through with gave me closure to the depressive episode I experienced in all 12 months of 2022. I had learned to ask for help, I learned to speak up, and place fresh soil under my feet to ascend me from the hole I had dug for myself. The hole a part of me planned to die in turned into a place for me to plant my feet and give myself flowers.
My flowers have blossomed for this new year… and vision board… my goals are going to help me water them.
For the first time in 10 years, I felt connected to a Bible verse. God and I’s letters have gotten mixed up in the mail and I eventually stopped writing him. I hated what he had put me through and the way he watched me suffer for years, but I realized… in moments when I sat on the floor of my bathroom, unable to breath, sleeves salty from crying into them, I spoke to him. I wanted someone to listen and he did, and now I know it’s time to break my “no- contact”. The night of January 8th I wrote to him for the first time. I apologized for my absence, explaining why I had been away for so long, and I felt… forgiven. In a moment where I expected ridicule and mercilessness, I was forgiven before my ink dried. I want to forgive myself in this way, learn to forgive others the same. I want to heal this year. This is the focus of my vision board. I want to express the kind of love I used to when I was growing up, the unknowing, the unconditional, the innocent. My goal is closing chapters from my childhood that felt unfinished. Stories I cannot rewrite for an outcome that better suits who I am today, but instead MAKE me who I am.
So, in 2024 I ask God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

imagine that you are a plant,
tree, shrub, flower,
whatever plant you desire to be,
you are that plant.

your feet are roots,
grounded deep within the earth,
you become one with nature,
peacefully and gracefully growing.

the sun rises casting a warm glow upon you,
wind gently blows through your petals or leaves,
bees and butterflies settle onto you,
such small majestic beings.

you stay grounded,
in awe of the beauty found within nature,
in awe of how the sunshine, grassy plains, mountains, and bodies of water,
are the most magical of all.

you are present in the moment,
accepting that, you are in fact- a force of nature,
filled with beauty and uniqueness,
character found in each thorn, leaf, petal, or branch.

storms come through from time to time,
however; your roots are planted deeply into earth’s crust,
thunder and lightning strike and rumble,
just as the sun shall rise once more.

i ask of you, to imagine yourself as a plant,
to stay grounded, present, and most of all,
embrace the fact that – you are a force of nature,
even on the darkest, coldest, nights.

i, myself, will do the same.

i will grow in the sunshine,
keep grounded during storms,
be present in the moment,
as each day passes on.

For years, I have chosen everyone else first
I allowed myself to not even be on my own list of priorities
I did not think I deserved to recognize on my own time with deserving the merits of love for myself
I had everyone categorized in my mind as more important than me
I was determined to not be a nuisance or cause anyone discomfort

2020 changed me as it did others

2020 made me aware of the importance of self stillness
2021 taught me that I do not need to live up to others timelines, my own is important
2022 woke up my internal clock of no longer delaying my own growth
2023 broke me of any self doubt that was leftover of 2022 and set my path on fire
2024 is the year I choose Me

I choose to make myself a top priority on my own list
I choose to make sure I know my worth and my value even when others question me
I choose to be uncomfortable with not taking care of everyone else, first
I choose making sure I know I am allowed to love myself honestly and fully
I choose living up to my own expectations and I am looking forward to how this adventure unwinds over this year

2024 is the year I choose me

In the Year 2024 Poem
By Cyantha Key

My goals in the Year 2024,
In the year 2024, the word that comes to mind, is simply more.
I want to expand my creativity and explore the depths of my creative capacity.
I want to write the sonnets and poems etched in my heart.
I want to tell tales from my neighborhood in short stories.
I want to step out of the shadows of doubt and into the light of hopes and dreams.
I want to make my mark on the world with my own voice and flair.
I want to be a painter and a poet,
A writer and a thinker,
I want to be a visionary and artist,
An innovator and an dreamer,
In this year, I want to overcome trial and tribulations.
I want the world to know I have a rich imagination.
I want to bring joy and excitement to the minds of the gallery viewers.
I want to motivate the minds of spectator, and plant joy in their hearts.
I want to have the courage to say I was brave and bold.
I won’t keep my genius stored in my heart,
At the end of this year,
I want the message to be clear,
In 2024,
I will be more,
More braver,
More stronger,
More creative,
More hopeful,
More inspiring,
More bolder,
This year will be a year of more.

The sound of a thousand semi automatic guns rang in the distant
Echoing a turbulent welcome for a new years celebration once the clock struck 12
With my body aching, Battling a cold with massive migraines marked the end to this year of 7.
What a powerful flush of an energetic cleanse to my DNA as I transcend
“I smiled with the knowing that This year means the scales are about to be balanced in my life once again” .
In my mind I Watched the last piece of sand fell through the hour glass modeling the figure 8… a year of infinite possibilities, perhaps an overflow of delayed blessings ?
As I sit now, writing at my desk draped in a cloak of protection. The Arch angels stand near as I pray for divine intervention for all the years I’ve cried JUSTICE
Staring into the image of the jaguars eyes I know I’m next in line for a miracle.
Goals for a peaceful life, a safe home somewhere near the mountains.
Eager to be closer to God as I embark on this destined journey with my baby fish tinkering at my side.
“Goals to find my tribe, and model world peace
“ heal with the earth,”
What a blessing to envision a silent escape from a ghost town, ridden in 7 deadly sins .
A land of body bags covered in blood shed.
I got my sights set forward, So now I can sow seeds on a land upon inheritance where the ancestors once weep.

“ The mountainous red turf in a vortex of manna.”

I Amplify my holy Trinity of self as I denounce the spirit of fear , for it was written as described from the words above.
when I foretold the looming truth of unjust crimes covered up by crooked cops and greedy ken who would rather see me held in asylum counting down the days waiting for me to die!
Too much truth? I think not.
So many goals but that also includes to let my voice shake as I speak from the heart and share hidden prophecy
Break down the walls, let the birds sing . It’s time for my fiery soul to be ‘Unsealed’.
I want to paint with sand and quantify in knowledge. Sit with shamans and monks on grassy lands taking notes as we read books.
There has been too many years gone by where I lived in hyper vigilance , writing down dreams waiting for the day to express myself a burning desire to live free.
I woke up this morning, nasal path ways wide open …noticing I could breathe.
“The storm is over this year it’s all about giving life to the beautiful visions I’ve seen.”
These are my goals for the new years closing out the year 2023

Ye Welcome The Year 2024, Time to let freedom Ring.

When I imagine you working towards your goals this new year, I see you vividly thriving in competence, pursuit of financial stability and, creating a world for yourself that you have only wildly dreamed of. Thriving in competence will take great focus and determination while learning to become the writer within you. Pursuit of financial stability will take grout to take yourself higher than the Sommelier you deeply dream of letting go. I promise you, my love, there is a second career waiting for you outside the walls of a restaurant and inside your magnificent, ingenious mind. Building on a world for yourself that you have always wildly dreamed of will create a path of confidence and deep understanding of the woman you are yearning to become.

The journey you seek is lit with blazing stars of ideas and deep rooted desires painted with yellow bricks made of love; you must continue to love yourself through every cutting challenge and every heart wrenching bad day. As much as it feels like there is no end to start your new beginning, these challenges will only lead you to the greater purpose that you dream of achieving. You will support your every wish with every story you choose to tell, every word you put on paper, and every idea you design from your imagination.

You will travel through foreign countries, speak romance languages with locals, experience cultures outside of your own, and my love, you will produce a life full of magical moments with the man you never knew could love you so deeply. Everything you wildly dream of is waiting to come together in every wild dream you continue to pursue. If you continue to follow the love you have for yourself, the lights will become easier to see and all of your wildest dreams may come true.

I love you, always.

If what they say is true
and you can really be anything
I hope you’ll be your own stars and lavender skies
and every phase of every moon

Be your sun that meets the day
Be your air, breath, and fire
Be your lungs that haven’t quit

Be the postcard in the mail
on the way to greet old friends
Be your neighbor bringing laughter
and togetherness in cups of tea
Be paintings, puzzles and dreams still left to finish
Be the ladybugs gathered in three

Be every ocean too big to photograph
Be the snapshot from outer space
Be the embers in the backyard woodpile burning
and your midweek coffee date

Be the fireworks and the celebration
Be the rain jumping off concrete
Be the flowers you plant, and more importantly,
Be the roots that no one else sees

Be the first time listening to the song you’ve been needing
Be the dance class you’re scared to take
Be your stumbling and uncertainty
Be every season in its wake

Be the time capsule revisiting every hometown place
you thought surely you outgrew
Be elbows deep in a sink full of dishes
Be the vinyl crackling from the next room

Be open windows and fresh clean sheets
Be the moment to gather your thoughts
Be your voice of grace that says
You are more than “what you ought”

Be summer heat’s rest stop for gasoline
Be afternoon’s happily snoring dogs
Be the birdhouse in the yard
and the flock of magpies in their waltz

Because if what they say is true
and our lives are up to us
I’d like to think we can be brave enough
to be everything that’s been given to us

2024: hours to go–
Til the New Year’s Party’s over and
Aileen leans in to show me a meme, a little dated, about being sedated by the Ramones:
Twenty, twenty-four hours to go.

That’s how this leap year lept in: on word play, a guffaw, and a grin. And: THAT’S IT!
That’s my goal for 2024. That’s all. That’s it:

To play with words and laugh along to poetry and song,
joke and jape all night long–right or wrong–
With a throng of my favorite people to ring it in with–
Including and increasingly especially always–ME.

Nothing else needs doing or achieving except being. Accept BEING.
It is my goal that that finally be enough for me.

For, I have spent all the years before 2024–up to and including 2023–
making lists of buckets and wishes of all the things
I need to do or be.

So, new year, new list usually–but NO!–not this!
This time I want only one–okay, maybe a few–things:

To curate and appreciate all that did accumulate before 2024
to make it what it is already about to be.

NO YEAR IS NEW. YET, EVERY YEAR, IT’S TRUE–
We all set out to improve ourselves in the DEAD OF WINTER

When all the smart mammals are out there staying in:
hibernating
gestating
incubating
investing in their future
by staying asleep–perchance to dream

Of what’s soon coming: life and love in store. But they don’t start acting on those mores until the actual (fucking) Spring.

So, my only goal for now is to sit back and marvel how I even got here to THIS place and time of being.

It’s the start of 2024, and my one and only chore is to see what happens next without expecting a single thing…

Except maybe some more laughs and a few hours left to pass…

Til 2025 has me sedately asking myself the exact same thing.

(Who knows by then what the answer will be?)

One day
I want the glass bottle once thrown into the ocean with a message inside
To Float back to the shores it was flung from and discovered that the wreckage is no longer
That the parts have been salvaged and repurposed
that there were a pair of footprints facing north
that made it far pass the point of being washed back into the sea
Towards something beyond the wilderness
And the bottle rests between the cusps of the waves never being disturbed

There’s something special in me, but the sheets around me invite me to lie still.
There’s something special in me, but the voice of the newest drama calls
out my name.
There’s something special in me, but the hours of scrolling make it easier to stay put, liking, commenting, and laughing my precious time away.

As 2024 dawns, I aim to awaken the thing that is special in me.
But not by any unimaginable might nor by any unprecedented event.
The path to results is simpler than I realize. More obtainable than the maze my mind has painted, full of winding paths, convoluted plans, and unforgiving puzzles.

The steps are as follows:
Record the vlog.
Write the story.
Create the choreography.
Master the language.
Learn the instrument.
Love and be loved.

This is the moment I start to create the things I have always wanted to make,
I start to enjoy the things that make my creative spirit sing,
I start to find my rhythm.
I start to find my tempo.

Do not delay, I say. The thing that is special in me grows restless.
And I cannot ignore it any longer.

Another year down this road
In many ways I’ve grown
Spontaneity, once my greatest fear
A trip into the unknown

I’ll stop seeing my body as a prison
A cage that I can’t escape
For this “prison” has fought many fights
And is still fighting until this day

I’ll view the world with a little less fear
And give open doors a chance
Tomorrow isn’t promised
So I’ll make every moment last

I’ll tend to my own garden
Watering the field in which I lay
No more searching for greener pastures
Just staying in my lane

The spring will bring new flowers
The weeds may still arise
I’ll nip all problems in the bud
I’ll no longer keep them inside

I’ll be a better person
I’ll learn from my mistakes
I’m not as lost as I once was
Maybe this year I will find my way