To My Old Self It Will Be Alright in This I Promise

To my old self it will be alright in this I promise.
The old self will one day help you to accomplish.
Trust me, some things will leave you left astonished.
It is all in good time.
There will be dark cloudy days and there will also be sunshine.
There are going to be truths and more hateful lies.
It’s important to know the difference.
Remember to always use your gifts that God has gifted.
Life isn’t always what one envisioned.
Lines ger blurred and perceptions become twisted.
To my old self take care of your mental health.
Your feelings are important, each and every one that you felt.
You’re going to want to quit, but I encourage you to never stop it!
Your future self will leave you astonished.
To my old self it will be alright in this I promise.

Spoken word
I am heard
From paper to presence
Poetry has given me unlimited expression
I am free
Oh how I do love thee

To have no judgements
No expectations
Only speaking from my highest vibrations
I radiate my lungs
I embody every room in which I stand
Taking my audience on my journey with me
From ear to ear
Rather than hand to hand

To have aced every essay
To have read books in the summer
Who knew my calling was to be a poet or an author
No one shows you this is a feasible path
Discouraging you
Saying it’s impractical, unattainable
Only because they’ve never dreamed
of being outside an office or a cubicle
I won’t be naive, I won’t falter
Because for me this dream is anything but impossible

I love the way poetry makes me feel more myself
Every artist can tell you
It’s not for love of money
Not for approval or acceptance
With every note sung, brush stroke, or word spoke
We are emanating our deepest passions

We are the few unafraid to allow our hearts to shine through
To be vulnerable & bare
To conquer our fear of public speaking
Standing alone on this stage
Yet I don’t feel alone
Sharing my truth with others
Yet it’s safe
It feels like home

Cliché to say
But I’m thankful, grateful & blessed
I have found my passion
I withhold love for myself through my writing
& Perhaps call me old fashioned
But there’s nothing more sentimental
Than receiving a hand-written letter
Instead of this new age typing

It’s true paper will always beat rock
Because when my pen hits the paper
I fancy the way the ink glides
The world makes sense again
Writing letter by letter
Mastering my scribe
Curating every sentence
Every stanza
Every story with pride

My thoughts no longer jumbled
I can now see so clearly
I feel weightless
I feel untouchable
It has been my superpower for the world to hear me
Some people want to leave behind money or a legacy
For me—
I will have left my voice, my story

Oh poetry, I love & value thee
Thank you for being a safe place for me

My Love for Writing is My Zen

My paper, The pen.
My love for writing is my Zen.
My pen, my paper.
My pencil, my eraser.
My keyboard, my keypad.
The things I do and don’t have.
My thoughts are internal.
My physical and digital journal.
My love for writing is cathartic.
It truly brings me through the hardship.
The blank paper, the pencils led.
My love for writing is my Zen.
The single and double lines.
Writing brings peace in my mind.
Thank you to my loyal friend.
My love for writing is my Zen.

I love books but the Only One Thing
Is the Love story of God, that to me brings:
Peace and Joy, Contentment to the full-
Like carrying a baby on a baby stroll.

That’s One Thing, that is more than a thing
Always blows my mind, with exciting dreams.
Though not regular dreams as when one sleeps,
Their the dreams of imagination-
That eternal relations keep.

This library daily I seem to walk into
Holding life barely by the Word of Truth.
This thing is a box I’m locked inside,
Never can I get out, It is the place I hide.

But there is always light on the inside,
That from the top it clearly shines.
When I look below I see nothing at all,
For the only place to go, is upward climbing the wall.

Neither can you see in the dark
But the speed of light ran, and has me marked.
Inside this box that happens to be a Book;
Instruction number one is just to simply look.

Then I learn, listen, and live-
No words of my own for you to give.
And no not at all am I ashamed of this,
Nothing belongs to me, I’m lucky to exist.

Though may I hear no luck in vocabulary
I’ll only fear God, but not a fear that’s scary.
Rather a love-try of mutual respect,
One that walks with me and never neglects.

A new life, a new mourn,
In a hidden concealed heart…
But always the same Christ,
Teaching my foolishness to be smart.

I just cannot get out of the Bible,
Shoe-tying knots… For a long while.
Walking into this Cannon of Truth,
Is yes and amen to all good that’s due.

Neer’ would I ever want to be released,
That for me is not a good thing.
I’ll stay chained, a slave of this Book,
Where I know Jesus saves every direction that I look 🙂

2-23-25

Each day I go through the motions
Fear of abandonment
Fear of rejection
Fear of slipping into depression
Here I am—
Fearful of anything refraining me from existential satisfaction

I am but an organism
A display of God’s creation
Making choices
Turning left, turning right
Made a mistake
Mmm maybe that’s not quite right
I fear I’ll never learn the way

A glimpse of insecurity
Then doubts creep in
Losing my mind
Forsaking my sanity
Now I’m wrapped waiting until a spider devours me
Lack of mental discipline has stricken
A simple insect, a simple human
I used to feel whole
Now I fear what started in my mind
will continue poisoning my soul

I eat, I eat again
Body skinny, fat, healthy, weak
Hhhh I breathe
I could be lazy and limp
Or even exercising daily
But to no avail
With whichever I choose
My body is here or moves there
I fear I have no excuse

Laughter with a friend meaningless
Life with or life without sun
Mom & dad, sister, brother
Who have I become
I fear I’ll never figure it out

A janitor working hard, humbly
An accountant sitting back idly
Which career am I supposed to have?
Money, potential greed
I fear the green will never be enough to succeed

Needing the validation
The ability to express our person
I do this, I wear that
Aren’t I such a trendsetter
Do you see my purse
Do you like my hat
I fear we’re all just carbon copies

I see the sky, it’s blue
Something bad happens, I feel blue
The grass feels fresh under my fingers
So does everybody I come into contact
But at the same time nothing feels new
I fear I’ve lost the privilege of my senses

Yearning to fulfill a life fulfilled
Enacting as my authentic self
I fear to live a life mundane
To be but a body & a given name
I have reached the boredom
I’m fearful of living a life so plain
Take away the fulfillment or lack thereof
Everything in between is what’s to blame

Or is it?

I won’t fear that every day is the same
That I’m stuck in the repetitive cycle we call rat race
I’ll relinquish doubt & follow my passions
I’ll learn to smile everyday I wake
That much I can manage
Learn to be thankful for the connections that come my way
Cherish my breath
Say hi to a neighbor
Thank my God & pray
Dance like no one is watching
Dance like everyone is
Work on myself & that which I cannot face
I’ll thank the animals that have been slayed
To provide me a meal so I can live another day

Away with you fear
I’m in control
I will prevail
For I am standing
In all my strength & demanding

Away with you fear
Suffocating negative thoughts
It’s time I start being mindful
A new practice I’m planting

Style score: 68%

Dear Fear,
I’m writing to let you know that I’m doing good.
I’m doing all the things I didn’t think that I could.
Dear Fear, even your silence is still loudly heard.
Even when your vision is clear it is still often blurred.
I’m writing to let you know that I still sometimes hurt.
I’m here today to address my concerns.
Please listen up and listen up well.
I come through smooth even when I’m going through hell.
I’m showing you my hand, I’m telling you my tells.
Dear Fear, please do or don’t take this the wrong way.
I hope you take heed to the things that I have to say.
I’m going to do nothing but diminish you when I pray.
Dear Fear, please don’t have a good rest of your day.

Same principle as-Dear John.
You are not leaving, So-I will!
You tell me so much-untrue,
So I am divorcing and leaving you!
Not married to you, nor addictions few-
You won’t go, won’t budge, So-I will move!

Though I have no idea how,
My learns of Jesus-He makes free,
Giving me rest… And He will best teach me,
How to defeat your homemade nest of Glee.
The one you built for years on end,
A false comfort-false feeling friend…
You was/is/am not who I thought-
You’re lying surviving, dread to me brought.

You can have me no more!
No reason any longer to fear myself,
For I don’t control me anymore -Jesus does!
Under His umbrella of Grace-
I’m found and completely safe!

Fear… whence comest thou?
I know not-though we are parting ways…
No evil to fear for the rest of my days!
No lies beside me-Jesus keeps them away,
Though around the bend you may sit at Bay-
I see thee far off and turn to you deaf ear,
You seek but don’t find… Your voice I cannot hear!

No words to you I have of my own,
Because Jesus true-builds me a new home!
You cannot have my kids, you cannot have my wife-
For you are dead my old cheating friend…
Because Jesus has ended your life!

I’ve already known fear,
Now it’s time to know God-
And fear cannot win because…

2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, of love, and of a sound of mind.

… This promised fact I trust and love!!!

Meeting you was like winning the lottery. It was the best decision I ever made to become your girlfriend. Thank you for loving me for who I am and not wanting to change a thing about me. Thank you for helping me love myself more each day. You consistently go above and beyond, and you have been nothing but a blessing in my life. I’m grateful for you every day, in every moment.

Your touch, your scent, your smile, your eyes—everything about you is perfect to me. You are the most selfless, unique, outgoing, and loving person I have ever known. I remember the first time we met and our first conversation. I recall the moment you thought I was cute and when you asked me to be your girlfriend. It was in Central Park, and it was raining. We stood under a bridge, soaked, and you held me in your arms, asking, “Will you be my girlfriend?” It felt like a scene from a romcom.

I remember our first kiss and all the special moments we’ve shared. We have now been together for 992 days, and we continue to promise each other forever. With you, it truly feels like eternity. I remember when I first fell in love with you; it wasn’t love at first sight. I fell in love when you stayed with me at the hospital for ten hours. That’s when I knew you were different from other men I’ve known, and I love you for that.

People say that when you are truly with the right person, you start to look alike. That’s what I see in us. I love you, handsome, forever and always.

I have seven goals for 2025. 

First, I aim to graduate soon and earn my creative writing degree. Second, I want to finish my book titled “The End Begins Now” and self-publish it. My third goal, which might seem a bit crazy but is also exciting, is to obtain my motorcycle (M1) license and get myself a Harley-Davidson, since I’m really passionate about motorcycles. 

For my fourth goal, I hope to move in with my partner. I envision our place being as spacious as possible, filled with sunlight, and having a balcony where I can plant my favorite flowers and enjoy nature’s beauty. 

My fifth goal for the year is to secure a well-paying job that provides enough stability for me to achieve everything I want and need. Sixth, I watoain healthy relationships with my partner and friends, as I’ve experienced the challenges of dishonesty and a lack of loyalty in past relationships, especially with friends I once considered like sisters.

Finally, my last goal is to maintain my peace and showcase the best version of myself—not just a version that others expect. I believe that in this world, it’s crucial to present your true, authentic self in order to succeed and make a name for yourself. I want to achieve this through my writing, helping others who are afraid to express their true selves. I aspire to be someone others can relate to, where they won’t feel judged. 

These are my goals for 2025, and I hope to succeed in achieving them.

Thank you for getting through.
Thank you for all you do!
Thank you for breathing.
Thank you for receiving.
Thank you for believing.
Thank you for achieving.
Thank you for giving life meaning.
Thank you for speaking freely.
Thank you for sometimes taking it easy.
Thank you for sometimes being the only one believing in me.
Thank you for looking at myself and uplifting me.
Thank you to the person I grew to be.
Thank you to yours truly.

Thank you for being true to yourself and not allowing anyone to push you around anymore. I appreciate your courage in being vulnerable again after experiencing hurt from family, friends, and even a toxic significant other. Thank you for choosing yourself in situations that could jeopardize your mental health once more.

Thank you for accepting your flaws and embracing your unique qualities. You have made the little girl inside you proud today because no one else could ever fully understand what you have gone through.

Thank you for loving your inner beauty and not worrying about what others think. I admire how you hold onto your childhood memories while letting go of the pain associated with who you used to be. Thank you for breaking free from your parents’ control over your life and for recognizing that you are not obligated to maintain relationships with people you don’t get along with, especially your brother.

Thank you for following your heart and pursuing your dreams without letting anyone else ruin them. Life is too short not to be thankful for yourself, so always remember to be grateful.

Dear little me, I’m sorry I hurt you.
But I don’t wish to take it back-
Because God likes taking trash, and recycle/reform…
He Loves you more than ever. I do though wish
I could have told you that-
While you were still…A fine strapping-young lad!
You know what they say, A chip off the ol’ block…
You had no regrets…without even a pair of socks!
You were so happy! Please forgive me,
I’m 45 yrs. old now-but you’re still crying inside of me…
it’s kind of embarrassing sometimes young Timothy.
But it’s also ok, Because you’re facing all this
stuffed down in your past-where high enough couldn’t exist…
You know you can come out of the waiting room now young man.

You now have gone, from beer, TV, and the old lady,
To Beautiful wine, woman, and song-Even though it’s really just grape juice…
On high demand at her command!
It’s ok, I got to get back to work-I’ll speak more when I’m done.
But yet till…Thank you for forgiving me…That’s your Super Powers!
And it’s all A-ok, Please believe me-that Super Power is in you!
You wouldn’t want doubt to steal it away from you, would you?
No way! for you’ve finally found your Savior, Shepherd, and King…
Jesus Christ the Holy Righteous One-never let your bad go to far,
in anything.

Do wish though-I could of told you then,
But you know man…I knew not then myself.

Love-your wife and kids’ hero.

*The glory of children are their fathers*
*And a Virtuous wife is the crown to her husband*
…Holy Bible

Everyone has a past
But when the past seeps into the present
We face the repercussions & cultivate resentments
I have no direction
Unable to pinpoint what brings my life satisfaction
I’m consumed with anxiety, impatience & even aggression
When do I find that which calms me
Brings my entire existence it’s longing serenity

For I was searching, searching
A rock to ground
A hand to hold
I’m losing grip
Not a grasp on my soul
Through the motions I flow, rather fall
Attempting to prevent a downward spiral

No one to save me
The Lord is my Savior
If I sin, will He still tolerate my behavior
Mistakes forgiven, still on Earth living
If & when my purpose is fulfilled
Does my soul contract submit me to Hell
To have been high as a kite or down on bended knee
I hope He knows I’ve lived life genuinely
If to live 100 years or die tomorrow
This life had meaning because it’s He who gave me
A life absorbed by love, family, & humility
Despite the trauma & downfall
I have risen above because He’s helped me conquer all
In my lowest, weakest point I struggled to see the light
But yet I heard Him say hold on as much as I might
Entrusting in the process & willful strength was met with my own doubt
To have never seen the light
I was certain I’d end this life without

Face to face with my tower moment
My demons making their presence known
My back uncovered
My vulnerable side shown
With nothing & no one
Even rock bottom was a stranger
Mustering the strength & courage was distant but not foreign
Never would I have to summon it to this magnitude
Changing everything within me from my mindset to my habits to my attitude
Rebirthing into the person He knew I could be
He had the answers all along when the negativity refrained my vision to see

Now in my future, I see the light
Not THAT light, but happiness which knows no bounds
My worries & fears are weightless
It’s as if I’m floating off the ground
I couldn’t be where I am today
Without a little faith, grace & a daily pray

This was the point everything changed
The point where it was every wrong turn but still the right path
To have only now found He & my angels
It was me against the enemy right from the start
Attempting to reign chaos on my mind & my heart
Nonetheless do I have appreciation for the struggle yes
But now to live my life with Him in succession
I am untouchable in the most humbling sense
I am able to resonate at a higher vibration
I can now entrust that I live my life to its fullest ascension

In a sober group on Facebook-
My friend Lynn had to say,
From a good report God gave…
“The Lord closed your last chapter,
He knew you deserved a better life.
Things happen for a good reason,
Never look back at that chapter,
It’s closed and should always remain closed.
Keep moving forward.
Your future will be fantastic!!!
God Bless”
Again this makes me cry inside,
Knowing people cared,
When all’s I did was hide.
But she’s right and I believe in her-
Words of wisdom for sure do merge…
My direction too where I’m going,
So much love from and for others-
God is surely showing!
My past is gone and the door is closed,
And thanks to her I’ll open it no more!
Creative excitement doing the right thing..
And the only indictment is to live great dreams!
Of course the good Lord is making life better-
For He cut the cords of my chains and feathers!
God gave so much in Bible, Church, and Prayer-
And His great recovery with you I will share!
A wife, a family, and a living society
God had all along, because He always loved me!
Jesus is the door of life and faith He gave is key!
For life is so beautiful, and almost too good to believe!
Therapy even to the young child within,
This mortal body who thought he’d never win!
But He’s made me a winner, and He’s made me free…
Breakfast at his table, lunch, and dinner He feeds!
He lets me go about and do good works…
Sharing with others that have doubt because of pain and hurt!
I get to go to jail and walk right back out,
Telling them of the God who cannot fail, so they can find His route!
I get to go to juvenile and teach them teens how-
To live this life before death bites, and they can see no way around!
Around the Bends that life throws at them-
They can walk straight through- on the path that mends…
Mercy and Truth leading all the straight way,
By God and for you-to see the light of day!
The same Light that guides, leading freedom-forgiving hearts…
To walk right alongside of great living and new starts!!!
… Friends and brethren, mothers, and fathers-and yes of course sisters too…
Go with the light of the right examples…
That God has shown them the way through!
And Yes, God- is Always with you!!!

I cry most nights thinking I’m not good enough for this world. I make myself believe that I’m not worthy enough to be loved or cared for. I feel like I’m in quicksand and I can’t get out or that I’m under water and the pressure is pulling me in and I can’t get out. Maybe that’s why I never learned how to swim because I’m scared of not getting out. I hid my depression since I don’t remember when I gotten really good at faking a smile and showing people I’m ok but in reality I’m not, I’m scared to disappoint because I never heard anyone say they are proud of me, I’m scared to love because I never gotten pure love from anyone not a friend, significant other, sibling, or parent it was always tough love because I was taught that being truly loved always becomes a disaster. I hear my parents arguing everyday since I was little it never stopped only gotten worse once I fully grown up, I never realized until now how broken my parents are and how they project it on me, how my mom belittles me and later argues because it gives her power over me the words and tone she represents she knows affects me and she likes it, she’s a force. My dad is just a narcissist who likes to control and throw out people, who not only couldn’t take care of his family but he was the main to break us. I guess that’s where my brother learned it from the uncontrollable range and using then throwing out people. I feel like a stranger in my own home. I don’t belong here. I cry most nights in the bathroom. I don’t tell anyone because I don’t want to be a burden. I think about how life became after a while and how broken I am. I just want to leave and start new. The anxiety and depression that has happened over the years I don’t think it would stop not until I make a change, I used to cry for my mother’s love, crave my father’s affection, expect my brother to support but that was never the case with them I don’t want to be like them ever I want to be better. I am in quicksand that’s only getting worse and worse, I dream about being underwater or having broken teeth, my anxiety takes over and there’s nothing I can do about it. Uncontrollable breath, lungs getting tighter, head pounding, hands shaking. I can’t ask for help from my own family because they think it’s a phase and it’ll be over but it’ll only be over once I’m gone. The black hole I carry in my mind sucks all good in my life and I let it be how stupid of me. The silent panic attacks I get from time to time shows how much stress I’m in and I can’t stop myself. The distraction I cause doesn’t even work. It’s hard to do so in a household of toxicity. One bedroom, broken handles, crippling walls, I don’t even have a room for privacy, parents yelling in front of me, brother nowhere to be seen for fifteen years not even a “hi how you doing” I’m tired of everything I just want to leave and start new. I cry most nights in silence so no one can hear me. I bottle up everything because I rather hurt myself than hurt someone else. I know it’s wrong to do either. I just wish it gets better sooner than when it’s too late. I hope to overcome and escape this nightmare and see some light shed soon.