People may see the contract
But not the contractions of wearing my heart on my sleeve
That now fits like a glove.
I’m striving to heal generations through self-love.
I’m choosing faith over fear and hope over hurt
For my heart to swell with laughter, love, and joy.
No longer afraid of the spaces, holes, and voids.

My positive vibes increase the vibration of others around me,
Beating to the sound of my own drum.
Each new day I live is a new beginning I’m open to experiencing
Turning my deepest secrets into my greatest superpowers,
Empowers me to release what no longer serves me
So I can serve myself flowers while I can still smell them.

Before I die,
I pray that my story will be someone else’s survival guide.
A Hummingbird beauty.
Someone’s call of duty to find love to heal again
And a love letter to that person that’s been laying in bed
And hasn’t seen beyond the four corners of their room in days
I pray that they will finally experience what solace looks and feels like.
I once heard that love is what healing sounds like.

The chapter of life that I love
is living all the way then going above
Life before death is the way to go
Is there another way to do it, I don’t know
I cannot explain why I love it so much
But living happily is to die as such
Happy or not, though, the life is good
Almost anyone could have it, I know they could

A letter to myself
Grabbing an old book off the shelf.
Starting a new chapter
To help me see.
What I’ve been through
Yes Indeed!
Showing the wounds
Of my inner child
Adding a new chapter to help me smile.
Showing my affliction
Of bipolar disease
After twenty years of hurting
I’m being set free.
In the hospital in and out
Finding the answers
Of what it’s all about.
Looking for answers
Through food and ice cream
Coping with bipolar
And what it means.
Taking medication to help me grow
Saying, “Why me” I did not know.
Finding answers to my depression
Was my victory.
Extending my life and
Escaping the mind
Finding hope and answers to a certain degree.
This was a sign.
That I can be “normal”
In this world, I CAN SHINE!
In my mind there is a tunnel
A mother of two
Seeing the light at each end
They have grown so much
I give them what I can
Of a mother’s touch.
Escaping my mind
And never married
This was another load I always carried.
Living this chapter of love and happiness
Living this chapter of not being depressed.
Wanting to help others as an employee
As a companion for those in need.
Highs and lows
Of mental stability
Finding love is the key.
I’m beating bipolar again and again
From doctors and lawyers
Finding the right medicine.
I escape the highs and lows
And depending on others
Like mountains and valleys
Wanting to do better as a devoted mother.
Yes, defeating bipolar
I do not cry.
Defeating bipolar
Is what I say inside
To myself I will not lie.
This is a new chapter just for me
Doing much better
In time I shall see.

Oh what a time,
a time of curiosity
letting your hair fall differently each day
passionate words drifting from your soul
Into this world of constant stimulation
Hoping that you will bring a light to the minds of those who live in the dark

You are shining so brightly
Being yourself looks really good on you
You are growing and evolving
Becoming a woman of the divine
Allowing the simple pleasures of life
to bring light and joy to your heart inside

I love the way you laugh,
And share your love with others
You are truly so caring
You are learning to love
Letting your heart fill with joy
as well as the tears and the sadness
and the pain of all the years before

My love you are so strong
you forever stand tall
As you know you are made
To bring so much more

To the people around
Who wondrously wander
Hoping something will catch their eye
You are here to remind them
That their fire lies inside

Oh my love, my admiration for you runs high
A pure soul that never seems to dry
Keep shining your light
And just know
that your fire lies inside

This is the chapter where she sheds the guilt and shame.
Giving unconditional love to the dark, wounded parts, as that is what they craved all along.
Releasing any feelings of unworthiness or self-loathing that reside in the shadows,
Removing what was never hers to hold, and making room for the blessings that await.

This is the chapter where she loves herself deeply and unapologetically.
Embracing the flaws and recognizing the true beauty of the human body.
Sitting in the imperfections and releasing all negative thoughts and beliefs,
Refreshing her view of the miracle she is- a living vessel of life and love.

This is the chapter where she steps into her power.
Letting go of the perfectionism and fawning tendencies that once kept her imprisoned.
Instead, she steps into authenticity and embraces every inch of her mind,
Allowing herself to lean into the childlike joy that arises when she sees signs from her angels.

This is her chapter.
She writes the story and creates the reality she desires.
She prioritizes joy and rest, as she knows she is deserving of happiness.
She counts her blessings, soaks in the love around her, and expels light wherever she goes.

Look at you go, man. You know, it wasn’t all that long ago that the only thing you could thin about was drugs and how miserable life was. You blamed everything on others, and couldn’t figure out why nothing ever seemed to go your way. Then, when things wouldn’t go your way, or you faced an instance of adversity, or even just a new experience, you would hide from it, and seek temporary pleasure.

On a much brighter note, throughout all of this, you kept the best attitude you could, and still made it a point to do your best to be a giver to those around you. Hey, we live and we learn.

I’m not writing this to you to beat you down or shame you (you used to do that to the extent of causing yourself to completely shutdown), in fact, it’s quite the opposite. I want to write to you about what I’m loving about this current chapter of my life.

Every now and again, you get a little overwhelmed, and that’s okay. You get overwhelmed with the seemingly daunting tasks you’re taking on while telling nobody. You’re courageously advancing yourself toward crushing all these new experiences as they come. You’ve been doing this for quite some time now, helping you incrementally build your self confidence. I’m here to tell you that you may feel overwhelmed because you have everything you’ve ever wanted and you’re just unsure as to handle it. Nonetheless, you’re handling it.

You’ve built yourself to the point you’re miles above where you first started this journey. I say this with humility and seriousness all at once: I’m beyond proud of you.

You’ve met and partnered with a young lady who believes in you (maybe even more than you believe in yourself, which is quite a bit) and pushes you to succeed. She enjoys the small things you do. She enjoys the way you make her laugh. She admires you for the things you’ve been through and came out on top. Best of all, you enjoy these very same things, as she does them for you also.

You are way less sad than you have been in a long, long time. You’re able to just be yourself, more so than ever, and she loves this about you. It’s also good for you. She actually cares to understand all the ideas you run by her. She doesn’t mind the noise you make when you fill the air with your words. She doesn’t even mind it when you practice your guitar or drums. You gotta admit, that’s pretty cool.

Anyway, I can’t discuss in full detail all the great things you’re doing and continue to accomplish. You’re happier in this chapter because you’ve finally made it a point to push yourself and those around you to do great things, and it feels RIGHT. You love yourself again, and you’ve realized that even though you may be alone, you’re not ALONE.

I hope as the chapters continue for you, you’ll find your way closer and closer to where you’re headed. Keep moving with love. It looks good on you.

hey you,

do you remember, a few years back, when you could only find your identity through being attached to someone? by having that strict, on paper or social media confirmation that you were worth something in this world, because you meant something to someone else? the word itself was simple, but the girlfriend title meant everything to you.

can you see it now, how wrong you were?

can you remember what it felt like when you climbed into the grave you’d dug for yourself, and let everyone else have their turn shoveling the dirt in, enough to choke and suffocate you, while you tried desperately to breathe?

when they were done burying you, you laid there for days, for weeks, for years, half asleep while your heart was barely beating, until you finally somehow found the voice they’d tried to silence. you clawed through the dirt and mud you were covered in until you started to see the sunlight make it’s way back in, until you were able to take a deep breath of fresh air. your fingernails were broken and bleeding and it took ages to scrape the leftover grime out from underneath.

you took everything bad that had ever happened to you, every hurtful, degrading word someone said to you, and turned it all around. you ripped off the skin everyone else had painted on for you all those years ago and revealed everything hidden underneath, all the things you thought you were supposed to forget. i could tell you that you’re currently doing things you’d only ever dreamed of doing, but the truth is, you were doing them all before, and you can keep doing them for as long as you have a place on this earth. you are seeing things the way you used to, the bright colors and beauty in everything and you’ve been crying happy tears full of so much emotion more often than you’re crying the ugly ones. keep going and i promise you will be so amazed at the things you’re capable of doing. i promise.

love always,
your past, present, and future self.

Fortune

Every day I try my best best to acknowledge and appreciate the good fortune in my life. Even if it is only once throughout the day, I want to always be thankful for the good things that surround me.

This chapter of my life is another wonderfully etched mile-marker of love and light. I wish to share the idea of collateral beauty. It is so pivotal in my life I feel it is important to help others try to see it.

Life is not always good and giving and beautiful. However, in times where it is harder to see these things, I do my best to notice everything going on around me. When I do this, I find the collateral beauty. I find the lesson. I find positive no matter how small a sliver it may be. I assure you it IS there.

Sometimes what troubles us is so overwhelming. We do not even think to take time and find what ever it is we are meant to learn. For me, every experience is a learning opportunity. It is very often I find the collateral beauty in the lesson.

The lesson for me is often about letting go, no regrets and no expectations. I do not regret the past, and I do not expect the future. I do my best to live now. This very moment I occupy the space I am in. This very moment where I am putting this down in words. Everything that has transpired in my life has brought me to this moment. I am grateful.

I will do my best to continue acknowledging and appreciating the good fortune that is my life ❤️

What can I love about this chapter of my life?
The one in which I’ve moved back to my small, southern hometown
beach town
Flo-grown?

32 and single
Master’s degree
world traveler
Back in a spring break mecca
from which my friends have long since evacuated

Not my first choice
for this chapter
that wasn’t in my outline but will probably become the most influential in my memoir

6 months into hospice care –
my mother, that is

That final week of September saw
Death’s door and a Uhaul
My boxes were unpacked,
but that door never opened – just peeked through

She’s still going, good days and bad
I live down the street in a bright blue rental with Piglet, my cat
An independent woman who does laundry at her parents’ house

What can I love about it?

Tuesday morning trips to Fresh Market, Mama’s big outing with her portable oxygen machine
Making chocolate bark and homemade bread with her while most people my age earn money
or raise kids
Belly dance class on Tuesday evenings
and the occasional salsa dance Friday (when I’m willing to drive an hour away)
3am nights followed by lazy mornings where my only obligation is to smile for my parents,
to assure my mom I haven’t upended my life for her; I’ve simply changed direction

With fewer friends I have fewer distractions
Deep immersion into my creative projects
I stumbled upon a writing group with monthly open mics
where I wow the crowd with my performance, feeling struck by own accidental execution of my calling
I’ve been asked to emcee
local music shows, with requests to recite a few original poems between sets

They can’t believe I perform without notes, something that comes naturally to me. Never having taken theater, I missed my calling as an actress, but here I go: performing for live crowds and the internet alike. Finally feeling free to use my voice in a way it’s ached to be sung for so long. I didn’t expect to find it here.

For whatever reason, I’m a magnet for men, particularly foreign, primarily Hispanic
I go on dates along Florida’s scenic 30A, they always pay
I break their hearts, but I’m okay

When I’m not fine dining, I’m eating at the best restaurant on the planet:
my mother’s table
One of the few activities she still enjoys
Decadent dinners and leftovers for lunch
followed by homemade dessert, of course

I sit at the counter and watch her bake like a little kid
Too old to lick the beater from her fresh whipped cream
but too young to worry it may be her last batch
I savor every bite
of pie, bread, brussel sprouts – anything she puts in front of me

I’m “working” from home – my job of 9 years that I could do in my sleep
maybe 10 hours per week
Not financially fruitful, but I hardly pay for groceries these days anyway

I’m a stone’s throw away from America’s first two-time winner
of the “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches” award
Not a bad place to call home

I take long walks every night, post Mama-made dinner and dessert indulgence,
reflecting on what is and daydreaming about what will be

The Latin men who court me tell me I go to bed too early, but I love my little routine:
Waking up at sunrise to do yoga and meditate on my back porch
Fresh air first thing in the morning

At a time when everything is meant to feel bleak,
I love that
it doesn’t

It feels…alive

Low key days laced with the subtle layer of impending doom, triggering appreciation of the here and now

I love the person it’s turned me into: the fearless performer and solo adventurer, tourist in her
own hometown
People tell me I’m “a vibe”

Because I’ve no room for reservations:
Death is part of life

Our one and only shot at Earth school, in this flesh in this moment
Why not make the most of
an objectively poor situation?

I’ve surrendered to it. Accepted it.

At first I felt trapped: confined as a caretaker running on guilt and family obligation
Now I’ve learned that feet can keep dancing on the stickiest surface

Life is too short
to care too much
and too long to gripe
Savor the fruit when it’s ripe
and don’t dwell when it rots

What I love are the mornings that I wake up laughing without cause
I’ve found light in my soul despite the shadows that besiege me
I ignite that light with my own self-love, acceptance, and comfort with sacrifice

I am greater than circumstance. Imperturbable.

It’s a unique time (that I would opt not to recreate)
But I find plenty to love
about this season of my fate.