Dear Past You,

I will always remember how much you suffered last year: October’s final kiss, November’s shock, December’s loss, January’s drama and denial. I will never forget February’s paralyzing fear and tragedy, March’s withdrawal and relapse, April’s diagnosed PTSD, May’s guilt, and June’s regret.

You fell into July’s numbness. You were numb and broken. You were lying at the bottom of your grave looking up at the distant sky. You watched the slow, gray clouds painfully moving on, with rainstorm after rainstorm sinking you deeper.

Then August came, right when you thought you were going to drown, you let the rainwater float you up a little bit. You started to slowly climb. You started clawing at the dirt, inch by inch, climbing yourself out of the grave. At one point, you slipped and fell downwards. You didn’t fall all the way back down, but it was enough to make you cry. Your tears fell with the rain. Miraculously, you wiped your face, took a deep breath, and climbed some more.

When you made it to September, you got closer to the surface and a crack of sunlight shined down on you. When you were finally close to the top, the sun shined a little brighter. The climbing got a little easier.

September ended, and it was October again. Flashbacks and nightmares ricocheted in your brain; panic and memories flooded like the rain. A few dark clouds returned and you fell back down. But only a little bit. And that’s okay, because despite all of that you kept climbing until you reached the top. The sun came back from hiding behind the cloud. You stood on the surface different, stained, tired, but free and a survivor.

Thinking back, I don’t know how you did it. Even though you are a version of me, a part of me, I don’t know how you did it. But you did. You turned that grave into a wishing well.

You stood back up and I am so grateful for you. Your survival changed the way I look at everything. You gave me unimaginable strength. Having you in my life means everything will be okay; because, I am never alone when the clouds and rain appear. And they will, they always do.

I will always remember how much you suffered, and how much you survived. I would not be here if it wasn’t for you; I would not have this freedom. I will never forget how lucky I am to have you.

You survived last year changing past you, into present me, leading to the future us.
I adore you. I love you. You will always be in my heart.
Thank you for everything.

With all the love,
Present Me.

Hey, Oz:

I know it’s been a rough start to 2024. The health issues with both parents carried over from 2023. The skies above have been cloudy and gray for so many days. And since the end of the holidays, the days feel the same. Wake up, go to work and go to sleep.

Add to that, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Which tends to add on an extra layer to the sense of doom and gloom already being felt.

But I’m here to remind you, you’re not nothing. You light up in the world in so many ways.

Whether it be your beaming smile in the most candid of moments. The words that you put out that offer hope, even during the most difficult of days. Or, being as relentlessly positive for everyone in your life. The presence you carry each day resonates with other people.

I totally get it. As much as you appreciate everyone’s kind words, it tends not to stick around for very long.

This is your inner voice saying that you matter. You always have and always will.

Now, go forth and be the light that you wish to see in the world!

I unapologetically love me unconditionally
I apologize to my past selves for doing it indiscriminately
In order to be my best self would mean I am elated
It took a while and I’m proud to say it’s been reinstated
I do what makes me happy especially my inner child
She’s is so over the moon that her little heart smiles
She loves to color, sing and dance like no one is watching
It’s the growning soul and the little soul that are interlocking
She’s making all versions of her past self morph into her best self
Her happiness is her version of a prosperous wealth
Self love is psychological, spiritual growth and physical
With a proportional rainfall strictly biblical
It’s my definition and my own version
I am uniquely my own person
Thank you, God, for all that you have done for me and my family
I only got one life, and I want to do it right by being happy
No one can do me better than me. My only competition is me
My lessons are mine to learn only I would know
The path it took to get here and I’m not done though
I learn daily and I don’t claim to be perfect because I am human
I have to remind myself that life is a classroom
I’m not afraid of the lessons I let them pass through
I owe it to my heaven sent angel and angel who fluttered with his wings
You both are my life and light and also are my kings
It’s because of you I unapologetically love me unconditionally

Sometimes your worse abuser is the person you least expect. The one person that you should be able to trust above all others. So often innocence is stolen and the only reason is fear. Someone was too afraid to speak up. Too afraid to let their voice be heard. I admit that I’m guilty. The truth of this revelation laid on me like a weight until I took the time to apologize. To allow my victim to grieve. To yell and scream their anguish in my face. And I had to take that. I had to sit with it. I had to feel it and now I have to release it and let it go. We are supposed to confess our sins to one another so I lay my soul bare tonight. In hopes that I may be redeemed and forgiven this night. Kenisha I’m sorry. For every time I held your mouth shut when you needed to tell your truth. For every person I allowed to disregard your feelings. For making someone else’s discomfort seem like it was more important than yours. For every time I made you shrink and be small. I’m sorry for every time I let a man defile your body. For letting your innocence be taken away and not knowing enough to help you work through the pain. I am sorry for every time I convinced you to stay in a situation that you knew you should already have left. For every time I made you endure hardships just so I could continue to be a woman of my word. I’m sorry for not allowing you to be vulnerable. For forcing you to be strong. For every time I made you push forward when you needed a safe space to fall apart. For silencing your cries for help. I’m sorry for not loving you when you needed me the most. For disappearing into the emotionless void, when you needed me to be present. For every time I let you believe you weren’t beautiful. I’m sorry for letting my pride prevent you from displaying any weaknesses. I’m sorry for knowing better and not choosing to do better. You deserved more. Kenisha, Please Forgive Me!

Hey little girl, never thought I’d meet you.

There I was living life, forgetting all about you.

No wonder why I screamed and yelled with frustration.

I hated everything, including me, Gods creation.

While you lived inside me…I neglected and abuse you.

Remember when I had no boundaries and let people use you?

We were a mess inside dark and distasteful but on the outside our smile was pleasant and graceful.

I Remember the first time we met, I chose to reach down inside me.

I was forced to learn you, searching..wondering where you might be.

There you were standing…shaking…hurt and afraid.

Sorry I didn’t come sooner to heal you from the raid.

Hey full woman,

No apologies need to me said, you forgot about me, but you didn’t leave me for dead.

Look at us now I just love who we are.

We stand tall and proud and our confidence has grown by far.

You’re so strong and resilient and I love that about you.

No longer are afraid of all the things we have been through.

Look at you, you go girl! No more body shaming, natural hair full of curls.

No longer are you silent, you speak like you can conquer the world.

And thanks for the self motivation,

Thank you for the positive affirmation,

All the wisdom and knowledge, you’ve build that with patience.

That got us a long way, although everyday isn’t a good day.

But that’s why I love you so much because you don’t live for the day, another day another play, like you would always say.

You took joy in tomorrow.

you taught us to get back up and go get it, like the virtuous women in the Bible.

Thank you for taking me from the world and creating our own.

Here? it is comfortable. I could live here all day long.

I can go on and on with why I love you.

The love is strong

The love has grown

The love lives on

…..I love you

Self love (smacks tongue)
I love me (smacks tongue)
That tastes… bittersweet
I’m proud of me but this is weird
When I was younger and feeling myself I’d be shut down
Chill out, you’re not all that and a bag of chips
But I meannnn
Look at these hips
I am indeed, all that and a bag of chips, the dip, plus more
I’ve learned that self love is the best love
It took a while to learn that lesson
I went looking everywhere for someone to express in
I let anyone be that person
Letting anything slide which just led the pain to worsen
I didn’t know how to be alone
Alone I felt I was in the dark drowning in my thoughts
A pool of mean words which led to mean actions
Mean towards myself
God forbid I was mean to anyone else
At 10, I began to hurt myself
A razor became my best friend
8 years later that friendship came to an end
Drugs and alcohol took her place
5 years later and I finally beat that case
A long, hard fight filled with tears
I had to rewire my brain to treat myself as good as I treat others
I deserve that more than anyone
I am all I got
In pain I heal myself
In sadness I pick myself up
In anger I calm me down
In poverty I work my ass off
I am all I got
In all things I know I am self taught
The best lesson I taught myself is self love
I no longer play about me
Treat me right or get left
Respect me or leave me be
Words are powerful
So now I speak life into me
I am beautiful
I am smart
I am important
I can do anything I put my mind to
Actions speak louder than words
So I take care of me
I have a routine for day and night
And that helps my light shine bright
I can’t pour from an empty cup
So I focus on me until I fill it up
Everyday looks different
Some things stay the same
Each day I give me grace
I give me forgiveness
I give me love
I give me patience
Each day I exercise and eat right
Health is wealth
I deserve the love I give to me
I deserve to be anything I want to be
I focus my mind and attract
I enact in stealth
I move quietly and mindfully
I’m making my own dynasty
The strength inside of me shows up in everything I say and do
Sometimes I surprise me, I realize I really had no clue
Self love is the best love
I now can finally say proudly and confidently
I love me

You, you yeah you, the girl in the mirror. I’m so proud of you for seeing clearer, you’re a goal digger, making your dreams a reality, no longer a spectator, opening your heart to love, no longer dwelling on the naysayers. You emerged from chrysalis, all those you cut out are missing it. It’s their loss not yours, you’re true only to those who rode the waves by your side as you swam towards the shore. You once put up with so much with all the toxic bosses, so-called friends and wounded souls that made you want to scream and holler. Now you wear a crown, hold your head high, and forsake all that bring you pain, knowing Queens don’t belong in squalor.

J.S. -Jessica Shanel

My dearest one,

I don’t know where you are,
Or where you will be going.
But I know where you have been.

You have been lonely.
You have been languid.
You have been lost.

I don’t know what to call you,
Or what you will be called by others.
But I know who you are.

You are observant.
You are optimistic.
You are obliging.

I don’t know why you left,
Or what you took with you.
But I know what you carry.

You have vision.
You have victory.
You have vulnerability.

I don’t know how this will reach you,
Or if you’ll even read it.
But I know you.

You are educated.
You are enthusiastic.
You are enough.

Sincerely,
Your soul

I am 29 years 6 months and 22 days old.
Yet despite my youth and what I can only hope to be the late morning of my lifetime – I have been a thousand different people.
And certainly, not all of them have been easy to love.
Or really even tolerate.

There is me as an innocent child collecting crabs on the shore.
Then a pre-teen, taking the wheel of the car on the way home from school because he was too intoxicated to safely drive. Sitting on his chest in protest waiting for my Mom to get home from work after he told me in the most loving tone that he was about to commit suicide in our basement because life hurt too much.

Going to Weight Watchers before I got my period, because my body was already wrong.
Going to fat camp, but feeling devastated when I realized fat camp didn’t fix my body.
There is me standing in front of the mirror naked staring at my stretch marks and budding breasts and hating everything I saw.

The adolescent whose Father died on a cold winter day.
A day I refused to hug him when asked, out of anger and teen angst.
There is also the version of me that grew to carry that choice with me as my deepest regret to this day.
The teen who got more angsty after his passing, angry at the universe, who snuck out and dated men over a decade older than me because surely no boy my age could understand me.

I think of the determined college student I became. Starry eyed and falling in love. The bride on her bachelorette party who got a little (okay, a lot) too drunk at a winery. The passionate young adult starting her career. The young twenty something helping her bestfriend move. Me who I would consider a good friend and wife.

Then there is a psychotic version of me, stripping down into a hospital gown for a psych ward stay while male staff sexually harassed me, and a counselor taking me to the “sensory room” to calm down.
Me stuck there for weeks that felt like an eternity as I questioned my reality.
Me whose trauma filled mind and heart became so engrossed in misery that the goodness previously described seemed to dissipate.
There is the me that didn’t believe in divorce.
Me who now does.

Stealing morphine left over from my family member’s time on hospice to numb myself and play Russian roulette with my life, just to see what would happen and if the lights would turn off.
Now there is me who is grateful for faulty light switches.

There is late twenty me who decided to burn the whole house down, metaphorically, to build an entirely new one.
This version of me is strong, resilient, and liberated.
Me who decided to travel where I wanted and when I wanted.
Who fucked a stranger in the ocean and jumped out of an airplane.
Who fucked another person I had just met and got pregnant by surprise, but fell in love with.

Next there is me when I took the form of a Mother.
Watching in awe as my body changed; both in ways I found joyful and in other ways I found (and still do find) hard to accept.
Me who rocked my newborn to sleep while I tried not to fall asleep myself.
The version of me who watches Lion King while I watch my now toddler soak in life.
Me whose heart could explode with love for a little boy I didn’t know I needed.
This is my favorite iteration of myself thus far.

The same me sobbed when I thought my Mom had cancer.
And then when she didn’t – stared at her selfies and glowing effervescent smile in Iceland to see the Northern Lights (because cancer scares light a fire to check some things off of your bucket list).
The me who still grieves her in advance, because I’m all too familiar with the hole that losing a parent leaves.

There is current me who is both empowered and still ashamed to detail all of these iterations of “me”.
I am a living scrapbook.
Some pages are beautiful, and others are hard to look at.
It is striking and messy simultaneously.
When I ponder, “Do I love myself?”, a film plays in my head displaying scenes of the people I have been.
There have been times I found it impossible to “love” the current version of myself, but as I sit here in this moment – I do.
Not only that, but I can find love for the past versions of myself now, as well, for her determination to grow.

I have spent most of my life trying to learn how to love myself.
After leaving an abusive relationship in January of 2001 I was a complete mess. I was a single mother of three little ones that needed me to pull through. There you will find your strength. Someone, somewhere, still loves you. Deep into your core. Do not be afraid to be who you are, because YOU are love.
I started to write poetry.
One lonely night, after my kids were in bed, I started to reflect. The darkness seemed to slowly fade away, and the following words flowed freely, and opened up my closed heart.
I felt compelled to share it with The Unsealed family. Here goes my heart.
Someone, somewhere out there loves you. They love you for who you are, and they love you for your heart. They love you for everything that you stand for, and that you believe in. They do not hurt you, but encourage you to follow your dreams. They will not tear you down, but will wipe away the tears. when you are too weak from crying, they will hold you. When you feel as if your heart is breaking, and you do not think that you can go on, there, you will find your inner strength. Your power, your truth. do not ever be afraid, to be who you truly are. YOU are loved by you.
You will embrace the changes, the struggles and those pains. Please, don’t you ever feel like you need to change to be loved. Love is who you are.
Your road has been hard. It has been paved with loneliness.
If being lonely is what it takes to find YOU again, then let it be. Don’t be afraid to travel this world alone. take time to observe all of humanity.
You have found that we are all different on the outside, but we all bleed the same. Broken people will hurt you often due to their own pains. You will learn to spot them. Careful who you let in. Do not be cold, that is not who you are. Expand love within.
When all is said and done, you will find that you have walked many journeys in solitude. Alone. You have learned that people, are people, they trip up just like you. You have learned that holding onto bitterness, and anger is a huge mistake. It will only hurt you. Knowing that you are unstoppable. You keep moving on. At the end of the road, you will find that someone, somewhere, has been with you through the battles and that they have loved you all along…

I wrote these words the night that I found myself again. When I realized that all I needed to do was to love myself. It is still an every day battle at times, but I love the woman that I have become. Thank you for reading. I hope that it makes a bit of sense to someone.

Why do I love myself? I don’t think it’s a question that can be simply answered, and that is due to the fact that there is nothing simple about navigating the long, messy, imperfectly cracked road to loving yourself. I also believe there isn’t one correct answer to the question of “how do you learn to love yourself?”, but maybe multiple correct answers from all kinds of people who are working towards the common goal of finding true love in who they are. So, while I believe this isn’t the only answer, I’ll provide a glimpse down the long, messy, imperfectly cracked road I walk along every day to try and achieve loving myself fully.
For me, it starts with forgiveness. Forgiving each era of myself that stacks upon one another like a wobbly tower made of unevenly cut wooden blocks. Forgiving the lonely little girl who never asked for help. Forgiving the shy little girl who was too afraid to speak her mind. Forgiving the confused little girl that made the decisions that have brought me here where I stand today. Choosing every day to love that little girl regardless of her mistakes, and understanding that she and I have so much more in common than I can wrap my adult brain around.
Like her, we are both learning as we go. Born into each today as someone who knows more about ourselves than we did each and every yesterday. By forgiving and understanding her, as well as all the version of myself that came after, I repair that wobbly tower of blocks, supported by the love that I couldn’t give to them at the time. Because how can I find it within myself to love who I am without loving how I got here?
I keep in mind that I am still very young. Eight-teen years old really just means I’m a teenager with a longer leash, the right to vote, and to blow my paychecks on tattoos without a parent signature. Someday I’m sure I will look back at who I am right now, and probably find dozens of reasons why I need to forgive her. However, with a more stable foundation of love for the versions of myself I’ve forgiven, comes the ability to see the parts of who I currently am that I admire deeply. Like the fact that I am extremely creative, I have a huge heart that I plan on using to help people for the rest of my life, and I am an incredibly determined individual who will give one hundred and ten percent to anything I am passionate about. My words are never empty, and my heart and mind are always full.
I am positive that I will pick up handfuls of reasons to love myself as I understand myself more and walk this road hand in hand with the girls I have been, and the women I have yet to step into.
On this long, messy, imperfectly cracked road, I will find brightly colored, unique flowers growing in the cracked pavement. And when I reach the end of my road, I hope to have a magnificent bouquet to show for it. One that I can hold up proudly in front of me and say, “this is me, and I absolutely love her”.