I’m not giving up right now.
A middle aged white man calls on a Friday, letting me know I don’t have a chance.
Let it go, this won’t go well for me.

Wait, what?

Finding that spot within myself, where my ego jumps ship.
I’m not giving up simply because it’ll be hard to prove.
I’m not giving up because it’ll be hard on you.

I’m not giving up, but I understand why so many do.
I’m not giving up because I know my truth.

There’s no holding me back,
I’m not confused anymore.

Despite being scared, exiled by friends.
I’m standing up for myself.

When I testify on Monday, I may be scared.
But I will not back down,
I will set the bar here.

And when I am mocked and told it’s not a big deal,
I will think of myself and every one in this place too.

As lonely as it feels, I know I cannot be alone.
I will hold up my stop sign, and trust in myself.
I am not stopping at green,
Because I’m learning to go.

There are very few things about myself that I take pride in
But at 26 years old, I can say I take pride in the fact that I’ve never gotten into a fist fight.
I mean aside from the lack of appeal in the concept of consenting to another person damaging my face, it all just seems so kerbobbled.
It’s also because I think, I may, probably, possibly, definitely lose.
However, Theres always an exception. And in my case, two.
I know when it comes down to a fight for my siblings, I will not lose.
My brother, more gold than that bridge spanning across the San Francisco Bay, I’ve found my god and those promised pearly gates through the beam in his eyes.
My sister, nothing less than a generator of majesty and the receptacle of my divinity’s origin, She is the source of light my destiny clings to.
Both, an embodied compilation of so many of my victories, I have yet lost a fight when it comes to them.
I fought for our sanctuary to remain a home even after the invasion and crumbled into a warzone.
I fought for innocence to remain the outfit we could still wear because trauma didn’t quite suit us yet.
For our skin to remain as sacred as an impromptu roast session or a 3-man bedroom party.
For arguments to remain as simplistic as who hid the TV remote when everything around us was out of control.
For hugs to hold us together while we fell apart.
For laughter to be the portal that returned us bring us back to each other on the days we didn’t know who to blame or to hate or where to start.
I fought against the lonely that lingered in the shadows of a 3am, for it to never distort us into believing a 6am sun would never rise in us again.
My siblings are the breath and life to every one of my words that became a corpse muted by the midnight valley known as myself.
I’m 30 now and while the list of things I take pride in has expanded exponentially, so has my understanding in the realization that I’ve actually spent my whole life fighting.
Its been 509 days since my sibilings and I have been apart and lately it seems I’m only fighting for my desire to keep fighting.
My mournings feel like eternities of disbelief.
My daze feel like seas of grief.
My knights feel armored with defeat
And yet,
Time reminds me that fighting is revolutionary.
It pays homage to our ancestors who fought for us before and preserves our legacy for those who are sure to come after.
If we listen close enough, we can hear the wind whisper that it’s almost 6am and we’re so close to rising again.

Even everything
is nothing until it is free-
Stability in insecurity.
Dependable: independent.

Exhausted: motivated-
Weakness mirrors strength.
Liberation & flexibility
strength is having no needs.

Resilience- divine
breaking silence,
power through pain.
Vulnerability- resplendent.

Humble: malleable
peace through pain.
Adaptability is key,
shedding of the ego.

Admitting the desire
to change and grow
asking for help;
while retaining pride in yourself.

Get back up, through all of the shouts and pain

Forgive your faults and ignore rude comments

Through only your eyes can you see your gain

Walk out of the dark and own the moments

Show them who you are, it’s time to commence

Your wants are vast, and all achievable

Stand up tall, like a horse in its stable

Now try and try as you must persevere

You can win this, you are more than able

You won’t give up and you cannot stop here

My childhood had exceptional ups and crummy downs. I also wasn’t the most well-mannered daughter. My mom always did the best that she could with what she had. Those are some of my best memories. Working 3 jobs and I was helping her with one. I could’ve done better, but I learned my lesson. I understand now that is how life is. One thing I also know now that I didn’t know then was that parents understand you. They know what they are talking about when they are having an important conversation with you, so make sure you listen. It’s for a reason and it doesn’t make sense at the moment. It makes little sense until later, when you least expect it.Ever since I can remember, we mainly lived in apartments and my mom was usually the on-site manager. It was always small communities, but it was home. I always enjoyed helping my mom and I would see my mom and how she was with the residents. At 16, she started having me help with a few tasks like answering calls, setting up showings, collecting rent and writing out the receipt. I hoped to be outside playing with my friends. Whenever my mom would ask me to help her, I would make faces. I was thinking my mom wouldn’t see. I just found out a few weeks ago that she knew all along. We can laugh about it now   It is something that I feel she was pushing on to me and was looking for other options to do after I finished school. I did one fast food job, which wasn’t for me. I had one retail job which also wasn’t for me. Since I had helped by mom, I had some experience in office work, so I got one job in property management. I was the leasing agent and who would’ve known that I would be so good at it? I stayed there for almost a little over 2 years.I moved and did retail pharmacy for 6 years; I did because I had to, not because I wanted to. The only bright side is I would see my coworkers. Property management was still a topic I would like to discuss. I’d offer advice to the customers when they’d mention something about the apartment they were living in. I quit my retail pharmacy job and didn’t know where I was going to next. It seems like no matter what I did, my heart was always with property management. I prayed and believed that if property management was truly my calling, an opportunity would present itself, considering my 10 years of experience.  I got hired by a temp agency telling them I wanted to try this again. Since it was a while, I preferred to go the temp route. I went to one position and I remember how excited I was to be there. That specific situation did not feel right, so I called the agency and they switched me right away. Speaking up instead of remaining silent was a moral decision, and I’m glad I made it. Because I respectfully advocated for myself, I accepted a temporary position with another company. I love to help and learn as much as I can, so I was excited to be a temp with this company. I have a tendency to ask what feels like a thousand questions. The people I would talk to were so helpful, understanding that I had limitations in my ability to help. I had to keep learning and continue to wait for an opportunity to show mainly myself that I can do it. The opportunity to prove myself showed up, and I showed out. It felt amazing to know I was on the right track. I got hired by the company. I worked for the company and gave it my all so much that my 1 year review was proof that I sure can do this and I succeeded. There was another opportunity that appeared and it was a company that I had worked for about 10 years ago. I love how life comes full circle. I didn’t have the experience back then that I did now.I ended up getting a job as an on-site manager. Once I was moving in, I called my mom. I told her thank you for showing me at the age that she did and for believing in me. I apologized for my behavior from when I was younger. It seems like my mom knew what she was talking about. She had seen something in me I didn’t and it took me time to believe that I can do it. I am so proud of myself for not giving up and believing in myself and being able to be a part of a community, just as I always have been. Home is where the heart is and for me, that’s being a part of a community. I am proud of myself for not giving up. It took sometime to believe in myself like my mom believed in me. I’d always remind myself that nothing worth having comes easy. If it was easy, then everyone would do it. That’s why it feels so great when you achieve it. Only you know how much you worked for that. No one sees your struggles behind closed doors and those are the toughest battles, but it’s ok you can do this because you deserve it.

That Time I didn’t give up.
I was in crisis feeling lifeless, but that didn’t mean that I loved life less. I just know I had to pass life’s test.
I had more blessings to go in my cup.
I had so much love.
Which is why I’m grateful for that time that I didn’t give up.
That time I didn’t give up.
Let me count the ways.
I gotta give God Praise.
I cherish my life that can’t be erased.
Remember you are strong and you are more than enough.
This life is so crazy rough.
Which is why I’m grateful for that time I didn’t give up.

To kids that’s struggles in school,

I was always that kid that stood out, the one that was just different from the other kids. I was either too energetic or too down. My hair was usually not brushed or taken care of, and my clothes were usually too small. Watching as all my classmates would get good grades and understand the lessons being taught, it began to affect me emotionally. I sat there feeling defeated every test, every report card, every honor roll ceremony. I gave my all to my work and just could not get it. I felt dumb and hopeless, and I gave up by about 7th grade.

As I walked through adulthood, I realized I was good at working. I have great leadership skills, and I can pick up pretty much anything that I learn quickly. A completely different me, I thrived (survived one might say) in adulthood. For about 10 years, I was a single parent to children who began to walk through the same educational difficulties as me.

I was sitting in a room with my oldest daughter, 7 at the time, doing homework when she screamed, “I’m so stupid!” her face resembled a tomato on a rainy day. This was just the beginning of my journey to advocating for my kids. Shortly there after, my daughter received an IEP, Independent Educational Plan. Within one quarter, she did a 360 with her grades. She was comprehending everything!

My oldest daughter is now in 9th grade, an honor roll student since 3rd grade, in an engineering program that will allow her to get an Associates in Engineering and her high school diploma simultaneously. She is projected to be the first college graduate on both my side and her dad’s side.

Along this journey of advocacy and educational equality, I’ve had to be my own teacher. I had to learn to be the student in order to understand the journey my children were on. My family and I faced so many barriers on this journey, each one becoming a necessary lesson to learn with very valuable knowledge. Today, I am on my 2nd IEP journey with my youngest daughter, and it is extremely empowering.

I’m able to offer so much to my children that I didn’t have access to. I’m grateful I get to show them my successes while watching them grow into these beautiful and brave human beings. Have faith and give yourself grace, but most of all, don’t give up! You can change where you’re at as long as you believe in you!

Yours truly,
Fellow Generational Curses Breaker

In due time,
YOU will see the fruits of your labor.
Don’t rush it!
Don’t try to be fast or take any loop holes.
Or YOU will fall through.
If YOU fail to plan, then YOU plan to fail.
Life is about hard work, dedication and persistence.
Find a hobby in life and stick with it.
Soon your hobby will turn into your passion.
Your passion is the fruit.
The fruit will continue to bear a great harvest for YOU, if YOU choose to not give up.
In due time,
YOU will reap what YOU sow.
Don’t follow the crowds or the trends.
Soon they will fade away and all YOU will have left is YOU!
Think about this clearly…
Know who YOU are.
Know where YOU are going and know what YOU want from life.
We will all have our trials and tribulations, but don’t let them stop YOU from achieving your goals.
I remember a time when I almost gave up. I was almost at the finish line,
but I couldn’t see it.
This is the time where my faith in the unknown stepped in.
I had to believe in the things that I couldn’t see.
I knew it would happen, I just didn’t know when.
I planted my seed, I watered my seed and I reaped my harvest.
I have overcome so much in life and I never gave up.
I will never give up!
Life is not promised to be a bundles of roses.
We have to fight and we have to conquer.
If YOU really want it, YOU must fight for it.
Go hard and never stop.
Until YOU take your last breath, stand for what YOU believe in and fight for what YOU want.
As YOU can see, life is all about YOU
and the choices that YOU make!
Continue to strive to be a better YOU.
Love yourself and Believe in yourself.
The storm will come, but the sun will shine again.
All in due time

Dear reader who is going through hard times,
Being in the moment helps assess what lessons there are,
Experience is the cruelest teacher but it helps one along,
Pause.

One such moment that hits home for me,
My first year of college being only 17 or 18,
Standing on a stage alone without instrumental experience,
My slam poetry piece turned out to be the pits.

I had some decent rhymes,
Fluidity here and there,
But also tried smashing in all the syllables,
Until the message was deflated of all air.

Later found out,
It didn’t resonate with the crowd,
So separated from their ears,
Last place led me to make a self-focused vow.

The following school year I didn’t slam poetic words,
Had thought of giving up,
But that left me upset, perturbed.
Little did I know I’d be more invested than I was,

This writer since 8 years old
Became its planner without any kind of grudge.
Hired to plan the slam for the next four years,
I kept advising and guiding others into their writing gears.
Auditions in front of a small group of people,
Feedback for those who asked,
Making it understood inexperienced poetry
Shouldn’t lead to one’s soul being slammed.

Biggest event in the land,
At least while I crafted it my way,
That position reminded me to never give up,
And I keep writing to this day.

Hi Friend,

I hope I caught you at a good time. I heard that you needed some inspiration and motivation to not give up on life. I know everyone is talking to you about not giving up on school, your goals, your dreams, etc. But no one is talking to you about not giving up on LIFE.

First, let me give you a scientific fact about yourself that you may not know. Your brain is still developing. The part of your brain that you need to make rational decisions has not formed yet. It is in the formation process which is why you may feel like you are not making the right decisions. So don’t be so hard on yourself. Now that we got that important statement out of the way let me tell you a little about my story.

I know, firsthand, how life gets real for the youth. When I was 12 years old, I lost my younger brother to a car accident. Besides all the other things I was going through this incident rocked my life. Knocked me right off my square. Life, from that point, didn’t make sense to me. I was sad and depressed all day, every day. And every other emotion you could think of I felt also.

By age 15 I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t feel like I had anyone in my corner and the pain I felt in my heart wasn’t going away. And then I met some friends in high school who gave me hope. They made me laugh and smile daily. They wouldn’t allow me to sit in my misery. The funny part is that they never knew that I was internally sad because I didn’t talk about it.

When I met this group of friends I decided to not focus on my sadness. I decided that I was going to work on being happy. I decided that my life was important, and I wanted to see how far I could go in life. I decided that I was too young to be depressed and stressed. And this is what I need for you to do. It is okay to learn how to be happy from other people. You must learn somehow.

Oh, the one thing I left out is that I created a strong, consistent relationship with God. I prayed every day because that’s where all my strength came from. And before you say you are not religious, I want you to know that God isn’t religious either. He is love. All those love songs you hear is God expressing his love in various ways. You can’t spell love without God and yes, I know the letters don’t spell the name thing, but the meaning does. (Hopefully, you work on building a relationship with him yourself to get the full understanding of what I’m talking about.)

There is a verse in the bible, Jeremiah 29:11 that tells us that “God knows the plans for our lives which is to prosper. His plan is not to harm us but to give us hope for the future.” When I felt down, sad, and/or out of place I recited this bible verse to myself to remind myself that I am here for a purpose, and if I don’t live life intentionally I will never know what that purpose is. The same goes for you.

I know you are young, and you feel, as a youngster, that all you have to worry about is having fun. Which is true to some degree. No one wants to stop your fun. We just want you to have fun wisely so that you don’t make any mistakes that will come back to hurt the future.

You deserve to be a Lawyer, Teacher, Accountant, Astronaut, Supreme Court Judge, President of the United States, or whatever it is that you want to be in life. You deserve a happy life. You deserve a life full of peace and joy. You deserve all that and more, but you have to start appreciating life to get it.

And, I heard you say that life gets boring when you get older. That’s not true either. Life is what you make it. If you want a boring life, you will have one. If you want a life full of healthy fun and entertainment, you will have one. The life you live will be the life you created which is why I’m asking you to not give up on life but to think about how you want your life to look in the future.

And you are not too old to use your imagination. If you can see it, you can be it. What you call “imagination” adults call “manifestation”. Either way, I bet it will help and you will begin to see life in a different light. With the understanding that you are not going to stay young forever and that life gets better in time, with patience and consistent prayer.

I hope my story helped you understand that we all go through tough times at a young age. I hope my letter encourages you to stay strong and not give up on life but to look at life for what it is, a purpose to be filled by God.

Sincerely,
Danielle Davis
P.S. Matthews 6:9-13 teaches you how to pray if you don’t know how.

Daddy am I still your heart do I still deserve the world in a purple little raven box.? You are my super man and i’ll never let you go
you wear that cape with grace and i’m begging you to pull through
Daddy please i need you
I love you
Don’t check out on me
hold me PLEASE HOLD ME like you did at tata funeral though my heart bled out for the lost of my big sister you would never know how safe I felt in your arms I hope you know that I’ll never search to find that type of security in some young man arms who could never love me as much as you do who could never fill your shoes or ever claim the part of my heart that belongs to you
yet I hope
No, daddy I pray
My future daughters father is fortunate enough hold his baby girls heart like you!
My daddy
Strong ! light! love !
My daddy the one
The fighter , provided, whenever I need him my daddy man of his word my daddy a warrior, don’t fold his grief deep but his smile never go
His love unconditional So many baby girl i’m proud of you so many baby girl I love you ain’t no question in my mind how much my daddy gone step for me so many conversations and congratulations on repeat so much respect given even in a argument my daddy never left me so I am insuring this pain hopeful but knowing he bred me in the field and he ain’t never fold so why would I act like I don’t know that a brain injury is small shit to a giant and even though he said he tired his love goes beyond this situation
I know whatever the outcome it’s with strength so I won’t let him suffer
I won’t be selfish
I’m grateful our conversations end with I love you my daddy gone pull through I speak peace over my daddy life
He hold his family down
My rock
The warrior who always shower me with safety,security reminding me that no matter what it’s okay ! his wife would say I’ll pull a plug on a man that never gave up? No! I ain’t gone let my daddy suffer though!
I need my rock
I need your protection and advice when life is life Yet I know my daddy did his part and that’s why I’m suffocating at any moments of him not being here to tell me how much he love me for him to pull up! My daddy The one
Man of his word forever
My daddy solid unbreakable, unconditional, unexplainable always coming through for us and it’s never goodbye it’s always see you later I be looking at life beating my chest until the day that I die because he ain’t dead no matter what the doctors say or that heart rate the brain is a complicated thing and again
He not gone suffer because he made me promise that when it’s the end ..
He still lives Forever
Fuck grief
I ain’t mourning
I’m scared of having to keep a promise I ain’t ready for !
My father that one and time will tell he will make the decision in the end that’s the type of man he is
I pray to the god within to the god in me to the god in him
I pray to his spirit to know that I’m strong like him
My grandmother raised him solid and just like he always had his momma Im gone always have my father. His best interest at heart! He a fighter and he the type of man that will die on his feet not on his knees or laid up in hospital bed against his will I speak peace over my daddy life
Not agony
Not grief
Not death or stress
Peace over my daddy life forever
Road to recovery or road to transformation he know his baby girl bred like him
I’m gone hold my head to the sky even when I feel weak
I won’t drown my sorrows in alcohol I need a clear head while dealing with this
My daddy the one, unbeatable , man of his word loving his kids beyond flesh and bones!
No I ain’t pulling no plug but I’m gone let him decide if he ready to go.
In the end I’m here! Here to tell him I’m hurt but ready for whatever battle that may come and he ain’t got to suffer for me or worry about me
I’m gone be alright !
My daddy the one….Forever
Man of his word coming through for me to the end of time! Forever
They say life is short but I’m not attached to this world my daddy said celebrate him keep moving chin up chest out
I speak peace over my dad life
I’m gone breakdown from time to time
Yet I’m gone channel him every chance I get I speak peace, gratitude, respect, understanding and abundance over my daddy life!
In this time of strife
I keep my head held high
I smile like he did
I cry like he did …
I keep solid like he is ! Forever

Its Time to Wake-Up

Stop the hating!
Can’t wait till you get caught.
“It’s just schizophrenia.”
No, its not.
“It’s time to wake up!”
I don’t want to wake up and listen to these whining bitches, yelling in my head, yapping hounds.
I don’t want to hear the screams that make my heart leap,
I have no privacy; they are inside of me.
Whispers through furnaces, running water of the shower.
Day after day
Hour after hour
Gets worse when the sun goes down
And I am alone to dwell
“Are they really real?”
“Demons?”
Quick turn the lights on.
When it comes to the unseen, I am a coward.
In the quietness of the night, I am over powered by this “nothingness” and I feel defeated by the power of this supernatural mental illness.
Whispers from cars that pass by, running water of the shower, the fans.
Day after day
Hour after hour
I can’t remember what I was thinking, what did I say?
What do you mean I was screaming at cars that passed by,
Screaming in the shower.
I know its just my imagination.
I don’t know what happened but why is this room padded.
You have to wake up.
I don’t want to wake up, I want to be left in the peace of being dead.
“Nobody likes you.”
Ok that’s it I’m getting up; I must not give in to these pieces of shit voices.
Anytime they want to be real I will be waiting
I’m not giving up
might be a cure. Might be a cure.
God I sure hope so.

I had a dream.

A dream not only to help others but to bring my passion to life.

My passion just happens to be dogs and that’s due to how they helped me through my trauma due to my childhood.

I didn’t know at the time how much they would be there and save me until later on as an adult; which I am now.

I wanted to give up having them and working with them because I didn’t have the support from family or friends (at the time) so I didn’t pursue it like I wanted to and lost my way for a while.

Then I found my husband who supported me and does still to this day.

I prayed to God to help me find my way and ultimately I have regained my passion and after almost giving up several times and recently I am not starting my dream.

Helping people and helping dogs.

Without God being there and being a constant in my life I wouldn’t be here where I am today.

Giving up sounds easy but there’s more to giving up then what you think.

Continuing can be a challenge but every step of the way I trust myself more, have gained more confidence than I ever have and making steps to becoming better.

If I gave up I wouldn’t be able to meet some wonderful people I am meeting and helping me start this wonderful journey.

If you don’t have support like you want then pray. I can promise you that will help than anything else.

And whatever you do, don’t give up.