running in slow motion
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
9-30-24

running in slow motion
at an exceptionally reduced pace
toward
away from
not content in the middle
looking back
with mixed emotions
hostility
satisfaction
looking forward
with mystery
a riddle
a question mark
creating a kaleidoscope
black and white
dazzling hues
unsteady
stable
mirrors and shards of broken glass
reflecting
challenging
creating madness
birthing sageness

running in slow motion
at an exceptionally reduced pace
closed doors
barriers and secrets
open doors
exploration and opportunities

I felt like my death is long overdue
I use to enjoy life when I was with you
Look into my eyes and what do you see
Just the leftover mess of what you made of me

As memories turn to lessons i look to see life in a new light
Fighting back my nature to not let my love turn to spite
Despite my best efforts i still was not enough
Tell me was what we had ever real or all just a bluff

I gave you all i had in spite of my status
But despite all that you painted me red black and blue like i was your personal canvas
As i pick up the pieces of whats left of me
Will i finally find myself and be set free?

My shadow looked at me and said:

“Live.
I am gone and there is nothing you can do about that.

No matter how many tears you shed
lingering on pages bleeding in forbidden ink,
you cannot bring me back.

My time here is done and I have ascended
into the graceful arms of the great goddess above

but you…
you are still human,
so act like it.

allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of human emotions
without letting shame and guilt beat the humanity out of you.

you are allowed to be broken
you are allowed to be sad
you are allowed to be happy
you are allowed to feel it all.

you are allowed to be confused
and wonder why the same
patterns keep showing up in
a different hue
(until you’re ready to do something about it.)

You are human.

Abandon your fear of fear
and accept that abandonment
fucking sucks.
But please understand,
that I am so sorry for abandoning you.
it was the last thing I ever wanted
but you know that we are not the ones in control

Accept that more lies in between
the lines than your eyes can see
and that’s okay.

Chase after your dreams of being
a wanderlust,
and getting drunk on a flight
every time your soul attends its own funeral.
Because unlike me,
you are still human.
and you still have so much life to live.

I’ll always be with you.
I’ll always love you.
I’ll always be present in your poetry
cheering you on along the way.
patiently waiting for you
to wake up to everything I’ve
dreamed and set in place
for you to achieve for b o t h of us.

Our string may be invisible,
But it is still intact & attached to the cloud I float upon.
the one you only see in your dreams
where the moon is playing tricks
with the shadows.

Death is nothing but the entity needed to bring us closer.
so place, do not carry sorrow with my name.

Instead let genuine kindness
blossom in my likeness.
Show them that the whims
of performative niceness
are shallow because
kindness has no malice
or hidden intent
it exists because it is.

And I existed until I didn’t.

But guess what,
you still do!!!
So please
continue on
because
I love you.
and you deserve to be truly,
genuinely,
unapologetically
happy, too 🙂

Jae,
Two years came too soon and on this day, I choose to honor you.

I started as a Seed just as those did in the Field before me;
During my time in the Womb of THE GREAT MOTHER-our MOTHER,MOTHER EARTH-I’ve witnessed The Beauty of Spring;

The Field in Bloom with many shades of gold;
Soon I would be a part of The Ballet the Sunflowers did as they danced in The Breeze of The Spring;

And then I came along;
My Roots were well Grounded and yet I struggled to grow;
I thought it would be easy being a Sunflower, but Oh, did it require so much;
But I wanted to Dance, and so I Bloomed;
And I Bloomed;
And I Bloomed some more;
And I Bloomed some more until I finally reached The Sun, it’s Rays shimmering across my Petals;

Wrapped in its embrace, I smiled;
The Sun smiled back at me and said,”We’ve Danced many Dances, and we shall continue to Dance many more. Now, my love, its time that you return to The Fields for the remaining Seasons”;

I returned and continued to Dance during the Summer, my Petals still full of The Essence of Spring;

I began to lose some of my Petals and their golden hue during The Fall, but still I continued to Dance with The Essence of Spring in my heart;

Winter came and I saw less of The Sun;
It felt too cold to Dance, and yet I mustered the strength within me to bring Winter the Essence Of Spring;

With my brownish, withered body, I Danced until my Petals were no more;
I collapsed to the ground;
Mother caught me and said,”You’ve Danced beautifully My Child. Now, you must rest until The Next Spring”;

As I began to close my eyes, a Ray from The sun shone upon my Petals;
I looked to The Sky to see The Sun smiling at Me;
My last breath drawing near, I smiled back at The Sun and said,”I look forward to us Dancing again”

I FEEL IT, I LOVE IT
IT’s THAT FEELING CALLED HOME.

Kicking off my shoes, as I undo my hair
Hanging up the keys, as I climb up the stairs
I feel the same reassurance flooding my inside
As I peel off my pretenses, my ego, my pride.
Standing there exposed, leaving it all on the outside
There was no longer a need to cover
To fake , to pretend or hide.

For I was finally home!

Kindling up the fires , I brew a comforting cup of tea
With no inhibitions or rules, my soul feels happy, peaceful and free.
This was my shelter , my no judgement zone
Unburdening the weight of opinions
I feel light as just me and me alone.

For I was finally home!

Nudging me to step out,
To discover, conquer and explore,
But enticing me to return,
Today and everyday even more.
Quelling my fears while keeping me calm,
This is one place where I know no one can do me harm.

As I shut the doors each day , I ask myself
Do I ever truly leave?
For though around me , the world and it’s people I see
In my pocket, I secretly carry that piece of home with me!

Invisible. A wish that with each passing day the desire to become tethered with it grows. It was always my answer when I was asked, “What superpower would I choose given the chance?”

It was always invisibility. It’s a period where you are free from the confinements of reality, and everything that comes with it. Free from judgement from other people, free from inconvenience but also securing a safe space to truly be yourself.

Lately the story behind that spark, my desire, it derives from
unwanted attention, unwanted burdens, piling up, and weighing me down like unyielding cargo.

It’s the attention through the eyes of a lustful man, stopping to stare at me while I work, making small talk when it’s clear I don’t want to be friends. His gaze, his voice were like spiders crawling into my skin, sending painless shockwaves of panic through my veins, like a mini earthquake racketing in my body.

It rippled my nerves with anxiety, taking my thoughts to a dark place, swearing to myself that I’ll never be caught in a dark alley with him, wishing I can disappear so his eyes and slimy smile can stop looking at mine.

There’s also life issues, and personal struggles, burdens like struggling to contain your emotions, because you feel too deeply, and now you’re putting yourself out there too much, or you take things the hard way, or you get told you’re too sensitive. You just feel TOO MUCH! It’s overwhelming, so much you start to feel drained in your heart, your soul, your spirit, and self worth.

The burden of it all, juggling life’s chaos, searching for balance, and all that jazz. I struggle everyday, trying to do enough so that I am a fully functional stable, healthy, human being.
A woman.

Yes, snap out of it, Paige.You are more than this and who you are is better than this. You’re better than this.

Listen, I’ll be honest while I’m still going, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t take a toll on me.

And then I remember, one night, I painted a seamless life, an escapable vision, and a fruitless chase for it. A mirage that I will never obtain but always yearn for.

To be alive but invisible would be a kaleidoscope of possibilities, shifting and unfolding, basking in a beautiful, colorful life, relishing in a chance to live in peace, free from mental torment, and wallowing in the quiet stillness of a misty sanctuary, where the soul roam unseen.

It is a dream that I would die for.

See these footsteps? These are the imprints of the precious little feet I created with my DNA. My little son walking, frolicking, and playing in the sand. Living life and enjoying it in the moment. I can now hold on to this picture, the memories attached to it- and now even this letter … forever and ever 🌹❤️

May the strength of my men always carry me through the longest of walks in life.

Mr. Rogers,

I wanted to tell you thank you for everything. Thank you for encouraging me to continue writing. Thank you for giving me a safe place to crash when things were chaotic in my life. Thank you for introducing me to your family and friends. But, most of all thank you for just being you.

#loveyoudani

How do you comprehend the incomprehensible?

You were supposed to grow old with us… you weren’t supposed to go at 41. Your light shined too bright to fade out that quickly.

You accomplished so much in your four decades, but damn it, you had so much more to give…

The measure of someone’s life is not in the number of their heartbeats, but how many hearts they touched, and Dani, you touched them all!

Did you leave the world a better place?

Dani, you most certainly did!

You truly conquered life and every challenge it threw your way… you were as I had told you, a badass, a warrior, a fighter!

To paraphrase a famous poem, you did not go gentle into that good night. You raged against the dying of the light!

You were the person who other people admired and aspired to be like…

Your smile truly lit up the room and your laugh was contagious … people gravitated to you for that and your kind soul, which, even though you were a ginger, you definitely had, and it was beautiful! I will make sure your amazing soul lives on in everything I do.

You truly lived the Mrs. Crowther credo…

Be courageous
Care for others
A hero lives in you

With every heartbeat I’ve got left, I will make you proud, so that when we meet again and embrace, you will know that you were never forgotten.

Thank you for being you!

I love you Dani
I will always miss you
I will see you again

“The two important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why”-Mark Twain.
Life’s numerical milestones have changed .
I view 46 as 30+ 16 rather than 50-4 Mathematically and philosophically.
46 was a nameless nobody . Turning 46 just meant a step closer to the golden years and nothing more than that.
But now , this previously insignificant number has a whole glamour quotient of its own. A modern day new kinda big deal .
Feeling “ 45+1” or “almost 46” does sorta have a grounding undertone to it. A settling sense of self assuredness.
Chances are at this juncture, you are where you shall be for the rest of your life..atleast in most aspects of your life.
So it’s best to acknowledge all of it , embrace it, celebrate the done-its and get over the have-nots.
My so-called big birthday beckons me in a few days. And I feel fine. In reality, I feel more than just fine.I feel feisty and fine. Each day bringing with it an epiphany of sorts. The realization that aging gracefully means learning to detach and step back . Ironically, learning the art of detachment is not a lesson in learning to let go.
It actually involves quite the opposite. It involves recognizing and holding on to all that is relevant and enriching. And no , age is not just a number. How we wish it was! It is way more layered than that.
Physically, the 45 year old body is not and organically should not be what it used to be . Aging naturally is the sign of a life well lived. Trying to reverse age, is trying to relive a life that wasn’t done right the first time.
Mentally, growing older is freeing. With my absolute abandon and unapologetic arrogance , I sense and honestly quite like the new me emerging-subtle silver streaks, sagginess, striations , self love et all! I feel old enough to recognize my mistakes but young enough to make some more!
So bring on my birthday baby, let the wisdom grow and show! On my face, on my cake!
My dear age-Add those candles with each passing year as you wish, but you can never blow out the fire that gets fiercer every minute within me!

In the darkness, I’m alone, floating on a cloud of dreams,
where reality blurs and paints a picture of my mind dancing freely,
taking solace in the emptiness,
escaping the inevitable
to a void where struggles on all fronts
dissolve.

To a single adult like me,
name any struggle you’re facing
and I can likely tell you
that I was there before coming here.
Still gonna be waiting for me
for when I get back though.

God, it was serene, the feeling,
like being wrapped in a cozy blanket
on a cool night in your bed;
while your worries melted like butter
into a fleeting absence.

And when there’s night,
there’s day,
and like the sun in the world,
yours will rise again in your mind,
which reminds me of
the one thing I always loved about
the darkness,
because in it there’s nothing there,
no light to illuminate
any harsh reality
or truth
waiting to cause havoc in
your heart and mind.

And if it were up to me,
I’d manifest my thoughts into a person,
and kill it
so my mind can finally have peace.

I’d stay in the darkness forever,
if that meant being free.

If “Love is patient”
and “Love is kind”,
then why do I feel
like I’m losing my mind?

It’s not easy to be patient,
when your family is all around.
It’s also hard to be kind,
Or, at least, that’s what I have found.

My mother’s mind wanders,
she never stays on task.
When it comes to what she’s doing,
I always have to ask!

“Where are you going now?”
“How long will it take?”
“Do you have to do that right away?”
“You’re going to make us late!”

Granny’s got a mouth,
and she runs it every day.
When it comes to me and Mom,
she’s always got something to say!

“Go brush your hair,
it looks like a wig!”
“Oh, you’re getting seconds?
Your belly’s getting big!”

Snapping back is in my nature,
sometimes I want to fight!
But I love them both so much,
so, on my tongue, I bite.

I give myself some time,
to process what I heard.
I remember who I’m talking to,
before I speak a word.

Mom might drive me crazy,
but she brought me in this world.
I know I gave her a hard time,
when I was just a girl.

Granny doesn’t mean to hurt us,
when her words come out so sharp.
She just doesn’t have a filter,
but she does have a heart.

We’re all a little crazy,
we’re each a little nuts.
But at the end of the day,
that’s what makes us “US”!

So it may not be easy
to be patient and kind,
but I’ll put in the extra work
for this family of mine.

-Caitlin Jablonsky

“I wrote this poem from my wife’s perspective about her relationship with her mother and grandmother.”
-Matty Jablonsky

(I was inspired to write this just now at 11:34pm 8/27/24)
In the past, society has deemed mental health as a crisis or a “stigma” and if women showed any form of mental health issues, we were sanctioned to an asylum to live out the rest of our days. Some men as well. But, in 2024, mental health is still frowned upon. “Oh, what, in your life is so bad?” “No one will believe you.” “Your depression is just you being lazy.” etc…I have had the immense pleasure of working in the mental health field off and on for a very long time and I fall in love more every time I go back. It is not wrong to ask for help with your mental health. Forget about what your friends and family will say. Forget about what social media and film and television say about it. Just do not think for one moment that you do not deserve to be here. And every time you think you will end it all, remember, I am here for you, as are hundreds of others and think to yourself: “just one more chapter.”

Loneliness slithers in
Like an unsuspecting snake
Coiled around my neck
Struggling to breathe
With nobody around
To save me
In a crowded room
I feel so alone
Everyone has someone
But no one has got me
Each night I come closer
To a planned death
Because loneliness kills
I don’t belong anywhere
I’m not needed nor wanted
So why even bother
I’ll drift away peacefully
Forgotten easily
And never remembered