One message I have for every person in the world is don’t take life for granted because tomorrow isn’t promised anything can happen to yourself or your loved one. I for one took life for granted and I lost my soul pet, you may ask what you mean by that well If I didn’t go out as much to be with friends or be busy with work and had taken care of my Mitsu aka my black cat he would have still been here with me and not get sick too easily and quickly. One thing I regret is not taking him to the doctor’s first thing instead I waited until he got worse, he was always meowing at night in pain and I always thought he wanted attention, but he was just in pain I think about how I failed as a cat mom because I couldn’t do much at first but overall, I loved and cared for my Mitsu he knew that because everyone abandoned him, abused him, locked him in cages but with me he was free to do whatever and he was happy. I remember every morning he would come into my room by opening the door with his head and get on top of the bed waiting for my mom to give me my breakfast which was tea and biscuits and Mitsu waited for my mom to give him biscuits and once she did, Mitsu ate all the biscuit he could. All the memories I have of Mitsu are blessings I’m glad that I could share my life with him, and that he could share his love and commitment with me, he showed me a pet’s love is pure and more trustworthy than a person’s love because a pet is more loyal than certain people. My message to everyone in the world is don’t life for granted because life isn’t promised tomorrow, life is precious and people and pets are also precious I took life for granted and lost my Mitsu but God gave me another chance on make things right with now my Mocha aka my black kitten spending lots of time with him, taking care of him and making my Mitsu proud from heaven.

You’re a beautiful soul who’s always been enough for me.
Always happy-go-lucky, free-spirited and carefree.

What I love the most about you is that you’re a part of me!
Full of love, light and laughter, you taught me how to be free.

You have the biggest heart and you love unconditionally.
Always handling others with care, oh so intentionally.

I wouldn’t be who I am today without you!
You’ve always pushed me to make my dreams come true.

Thank you for always making sure I never feel alone.
You’ve always been my safe space, with you I am home.

Watching you struggle was hard, you’re the strongest little girl I know.
You’ve always adapted to change and left room to grow.

You’ve shown me that I can survive anything, no matter what comes my way.
You taught me how to love myself, even on my worst day.

I’m proud of you kiddo, you’re my biggest blessing.
Never show your hand and always keep em’ guessing.

You’ll always have a friend in me and I promise to remain true.
Words alone can’t explain how much I love you.

I like the way you try to help others in certain situations and give advice
I like the way you get your eyebrows sharper than a fingernail
I like the way you have a open mind about anything or anyone
I like the way you’re learning how to communicate and be patient
I like the way you have a fear of rollercoasters but aren’t afraid to jump out a plane
I like the way you value alone time even though your friends are awesome
I like the way you smile even when you’re sad some days
I like the way you can sing the alphabet with your mouth closed and type a whole paragraph with your eyes shut
I like the way you’re not afraid to be harsh and be straight-forward with anyone
I like the way you stopped crying everyday for something sad and instead crying for something joyful

It’s been two months since you passed away. I still can’t comprehend it. I’m still grieving and healing, and it’s hard because I still expect you to come into my room and wake me up with your head bumps. I still hear you saying “ma” instead of “meow,” and I remember how you would always try to steal food when I or your grandma started eating. I miss every part of you. You helped me through so much – depression, and anxiety, and you taught me how to be gentle and care for another, even if it has four legs. You taught me responsibility, and I know you were happy in the end. I miss you so much, to the point where I wouldn’t stop crying for missing you.
I believe you’re up in heaven looking down at me, and asking God for a sign, I received one. On June 7th, 2024, I saw a cloud shaped like a black cat, which made me and grandma cry. We believe that even though you’re not physically here, mentally and emotionally, you are. Then, I asked for another sign, and once again I got it. When my coworker heard about my cat’s passing, she offered me a cat for adoption. I immediately said yes because of the sign of the black cat cloud. The next day, my coworker mentioned adopting a black cat, and then my boyfriend found a purple ball with a black cat on it. I felt like my Mitsu was sending me signs. After all that, in three days, I got sign after sign about a black cat and decided I wanted another cat. My coworker and I went to get the cat, but she wasn’t there as she was a stray. However, we later found four black kittens near a school and managed to catch one of them. After treating and cleaning the kitten, I welcomed it into my home. This whole experience led me to find another baby boy in honor of my Mitsu.

I invented a new season for life because I got tired of the winter spring summer fall pattern
My paisley doesn’t like to conform to the depression of polka dots only on the pocket square and not the entire outfit
Where’s the art in the plain white t?
I see the aesthetic, but I want the screaming art to argue with my calm voice
It’s the beauty in the pain that you can’t see until the scars have enough time to grow wings
I used to feel most at peace listening to music on my bed as a haunting sleep would close my eyes
I used to feel most at peace under the dim lights of cinema pumping hope into my veins where I had blood run free
I used to feel most at peace on the solidarity of solo ventures between the court and I
It would hum deathly echoes like lullaby’s to my heart
This trinity became my medical addiction as pride got in the way of God
Then over the years my coffee finally became cold, and I missed the warmth of summer
I could smell my own toxicity deeply rooted and swallowing my faith
So, I questioned myself through the tears, I marked the points of pain with my pen, and dug up the weeds I planted and reaped
This time I will sow truth within the uncomfortable moments
Because in this season until forever I’m most at peace on the grounds of the earthquake
Knowing that I can’t move forward unless I shake things up
Staying in a comfortable pattern only leads to a broken record repeating the line you hate to hear
You are meant to break records
p.s. peace is born in the growth of pain…

I’m currently 13 and the only thing that makes sense is sadness
So, to cope I like to hear melodies caress my ears because I’m too damaged to hug myself
Then I’ll let my pen tell stories of love and horror for the simple fact that I’m afraid to love myself away from depression
I get the impression that an early death is the only way to escape to peace
But I’m afraid so for the time being I’ll clean my room since I can’t find the energy to organize my life
I just found an extra cassette tape in my music collection next to the pile of CD’s and Records
Complementing the art hanging on the wall adjacent to my mood
I think to myself: curiosity let’s have a conversation where you tell me all the secrets Victoria victories made me hate
The tape starts with no words
The opening scene let’s nature sing before the score interrupts
Then some old guy starts speaking about life like he knows me, I’m in no mood for a lecture but I have time today
After all I was just thinking about ending it all, how could this hurt more
He says: There’s a wealth beyond financial peace within the things we blink past every 24 hours
Try not to take for granted the natural order of life around you
I know the stress will have you crying rivers on the inside that you never let water your cheeks
But you need to face your fears, or the dam will explode
You need to Yoga flex your way through the challenges less flexibility become a weakness
Not your strength; muscles are for show, but the morality of your core can lift you past anything if you water your flowers of dread
“Be like water my friend,” and if I’m being bru-tal-ly honest you lie to yourself too much
Fright has kept you in third place longer than you should have been
Unable to reach the heights you are meant for
Remember the natural order of things, but know a long list keeps your further from progress than small steps of truth
You’re 34 now and just entering your prime
The next decade will be the soundtrack to the whole of your life
The season from the age of 13-32 was just a small slice
My teenage brain begins to become bored and 34 is forever away
And right before I was about to stop the tape he said something that made me think, maybe he knows a little something:
“You are the most coveted rose”… you see I love the floral print of life
And this statement was the first time outside of my parents that I felt worthy
He then went on to say
You’re beautiful in full bloom but still walk like a sunflower with its head down
It’s ok to be a lazy daisy sometimes but remember the sun never stops smiling and the moon never stops dreaming
So, neither should you
Your tulip words are meant to be heard by the world
And one day they will, as sure as a daffodil
Will blow it’s horn of victory past everything that has held you back
Just keep fighting and I promise you will win
p.s. don’t be afraid to cry…

You broke me into pieces you made yourself the victim and told everyone I broke your heart but in reality it was the other way around. You used me to heal yourself for a year you were obsessed with your ex and I let it slide how stupid of me, right I will never think twice to do that again with anyone anymore, you hurt me to make yourself feel bigger and better but in reality you’re just much of a loser. You broke me into pieces you made me cry for days and nights but I still loved you, you lied to me constantly made me overthink about everything for your fun. I thought it was all love but I was blind you manipulated me into thinking you loved me but in reality you loved yourself, you were self obsessed, self harmed you weren’t a good person. You broke me into pieces you made me feel small even though I already had felt that way in life but you made it worse, you never cared about my feelings or thoughts it was always about you I made myself about you and your life but what I should have done was walk away and restore the girl you broke into pieces. I fought for you, supported you even though you didn’t deserve it everyone told me to walk away he will never change but I didn’t believe them I still stayed and thought to myself he will change but I should have listened and walked away. You broke me into pieces it wasn’t love for those past years it was a lesson, a lesson on what a person is really like in the beginning until the end and you sir showed me your true colors and proud to say you aren’t a good person, you used and threw out people like toys you threw me out most of all, you gave me the silent treatment as an act of punishment as if you were the victim and I was the bad person well now I know who was the true victim and it wasn’t me or you it was our relationship throughout the years action, camera, words were all apart of victimize act but me I am survivor from your emotional, verbal abuse. you can change now for the better fake it until you break and you can be with millions of people but I know you will forever feel lonely inside that’s what you are a lonely, miserable person, and you will forever think about what you did wrong and think about the things you couldn’t do right, you broke me into pieces but now I am restoring the girl you broke, the mindset you tarnished for your own game, the fear she has about you coming back and ruining her again, punishing her for your own play she has that fear but not for long because she knows better, she knows her worth bigger and brighter and not you or nor anyone can let her down. You broke me into pieces but you were also a lesson that had to be taught in order for her to restore herself again.

I would say family over everything but that would be untrue. Fights breaking out all the time, Mom threatening to leave everyday, Dad keeping secrets and lies beyond his grasp and a brother who I thought I’d have a good relationship with but, unfortunately never did for the last 12 years. No contact, no support from him in the same house no asking, ”hi sis how you doing?”
Being without love or support from my parents was hard for me. Growing up in a Muslim household in a Muslim community where I had to live up through the expectations of my parents was difficult and because I’m a girl, it was that much harder. For my brother, however, it was the complete opposite. He is expected to be the heir of the household someday after my father, but after years passed, my brother drifted away from my parents little by little. I remember major fights would happen between my father and brother things breaking, physical altercations, my mom holding my brother and my dad back from each other, and I was always in the middle crying.
Their constant fighting stressed me out to the point where I had to worry about panic attacks and seizures. My mom saw my mental state and quickly started to calm me down doing my usual breathing techniques. It worked surprisingly. My brother and dad saw what had happened to me and stopped fighting. Then after sometime, my brother left and decided to stay over his friends place for a while and dad just stood quiet most days (except when arguments were going on of course).
With my mother, that took a different turn and since my brother wasn’t here I had to take on the responsibility for the household. I had to be the son and daughter all in one. I had to be the crazy glue to put everything in place again after another fight broke out with my parents, it was exhausting at times but you get used to the numb feeling of sadness and depression. I always hid behind a wall: the wall of depression. I never expressed it or came face to face with it. I always hid behind it for the last twenty two years of my life. But after a causal conversation with a coworker of mine, he asked me, “I always see you around never smiling, you always have a depressed look are you ok?” I answered, “oh no I’m not depressed I’m just tired because I have to take care of my family all the time.”
After that little encounter, I was on my way home and sitting there thinking about what my coworker said. I started tearing up and after that, I realized maybe my coworker was right. I am depressed and I’ve been depressed for last twenty two years. I needed help. After getting home, my parents had another fight over the same topics: property, money, or even siblings who they never speak to anymore. It was ridiculous, but I knew the more I got in the middle, the more I started to resent them, and live in my own world at home.
I started smoking to ease my anxiety, but that wasn’t much help either, after months and months of fighting my brother who had left told my parents he had gotten an apartment and is leaving permanently I was distraught because I knew if my brother left, I would be the one dealing with everything here by myself more on my plate, after my brother leaving, things had gotten worse than before. My parents and brother would argue non stop, my brother would do selfish things to hurt my parents, but since he’s far away my parents would say the same excuse, “he’s not with us anymore, he’s our son we still love him regardless of what he does.”
That took a turn in my head because if I were to do something small that never pleased my parents, I’d be the bad daughter, the daughter who would apparently bring dishonor to the family even though when my mom would cry herself to sleep because of my brother, I’d wipe her tears and say “everything will be okay, youre a warrior,” but I guess that wasn’t enough, because my parents would always put my brother on pedestal on everything did or said.
After many encounters, I decided that to better myself and my mental health, I have to remove myself from the life my parents expected me to live, and live my own life. I’ve lived up to the expectations of a Muslim girl for so long. The girl who couldn’t even wear clothes that showed the littlest bit of skin…who couldn’t drink or get tattoos or can’t stay past 8:00 p.m. with friends. I had to get straight A’s in school or I’d be a failure in life, I would have to become a doctor, lawyer, or engineer because being a writer wouldn’t get me anywhere they would say, but my brother, being a boy and having “the right genitals in between his legs” could do whatever he wanted when he wanted with whomever he wanted.
I lived up my parents side of their dream for so long I couldn’t get the chance to experience my own desires and dreams until now. The reputation, double standards, the repressed sexuality that runs through the Islam community has many people, especially kids, put down in shame because they want to be on their own person and not the person their parents want them to be. After so many times of trying to be the daughter my parents wanted, I gave up and started to live for myself and not for anybody else. There is a saying I always tell myself when I’m in the predicament of being let down: that is, “I pay my own bills, I make myself look, feel, do better, I wipe my own tears and make myself laugh and at the end I’ll do whatever right for me”, that’s the quote I started to live by after many times, trying to fix my broken home , but that’s impossible with my family. Though, I’m alright with that, because as long as I have myself at the end of the day, and I realize the importance of prioritizing my own journey in life, all the rainy days I had to deal with with eventually lead to the sunlight I’ve always knew I deserved.