Dear Mikaela,
Today IS your BIRTHDAY. I say IS because YOUR BIRTH will ALWAYS be celebrated!
When I left off in my last letter to you in July, I told you that October 22nd would be the day that I’d share my story on the TEDX stage, I did and now, thanks to a guy named Ryan, who helped promote it, it has over thousands’ of views.

The talk was/is about FIRST IMPRESSIONS, explaining that because of my cerebral palsy, people often make first blush judgements that are centered on what I am UNABLE to do.
Speaking of BLUSH, as to be expected: I have this desire for a girl to blush because of me!

I often have this inner dialogue — or outer… with my therapist, who also lost her cousin at an early age, about why I am worthy of love.

I found myself saying, “Any woman can pick a brown-haired brown-eyed man to be her forever.”

As I type this, I have you in my head, telling me, “Jakey that is just it, there are a million people who have brown hair and brown eyes.

There are NOT a lot of people who can say they look at having a physical disability in the way that you do!”

I came up with a word to describe this mindset that I have, and anybody can have towards a challenge: it is called POS+ABILITY: “The quality or state of having a POSITIVE attitude towards one’s abilities, especially in overcoming challenges.”

I would like to take credit for creating this word, BUT there would be NO word if you did not treat me the way you did, STILL DO, and remind me that I should ONLY be treated this way!

In my speech about first impressions, I refer to taking the FIRST STEP, even if it’s a WOBBLY ONE, to reach your goals.

Since you have been gone, EVERY STEP has been extra wobbly — as celebrating the wins has come with a price; the price? You are not PHYSICALLY here.

How oh so dearly I miss hearing your voice on the other end of the phone/getting to give you a physical hug.

I find solace that you are ALWAYS on my MIND, ENCOURGING ME to TAKE that FIRST STEP, even if it is a WOBBLY one!
By the time, I write this letter again, Pos+ability will be the name of my speaking company, honoring YOU!
EVERY TIME someone asks me how I came up with the name (I hope I get asked a million times,) I will tell them — with a smile –it was YOUR actions that helped me come up with it!
The word is a PERFECT example of YOU BELIEVING in me, NOT DESPITE my CP, BUT BECAUSE of it!

This BELIEF TREMENDOUSLY HELPED and STILL DOES HELP ME BELIEVE in MYSELF!
I promise, with each WOBBLY step, and with every speech I am honored to give, people may see the words coming out of my mouth, but I will make sure they KNOW that it IS COMING FROM the LESSONS you taught and CONTINUE to TEACH ME EVERY DAY!
I can HONESTLY say, I would not have the ability it takes to look at my challenge with Pos+ability, if it were NOT for YOU
Thank YOU for teaching me, it’s NOT “HOW THEY WALK UP TO YOU, BUT WHO THEY ARE!!

I would say I will see you when I see you, BUT I see you EVERY DAY, EVERY MOMENT, and now, hopefully, many others will see you as well, with the WORDS I speak and the ACTIONS I TAKE EVERY TIME WE take the stage with that WOBBLY FIRST STEP!
Love,
Jakey
💜🐘😘💪🙌

I fell to my knees
I tried to hold myself up…but my shoulders grew weak
I collapsed
And I lay there
And it felt like God was cold and ignoring me
And when I tried to get up, it hurt, and the weight on my back was so heavy
I was devastated and angry
Can God hear me when my body’s buried in grief?
Can He see me here and provide some relief?
I tried to claw my way out from under the pain
I let my anger take away my shelter and started drowning in the rain
But I heard, “This too shall pass”
And the weight started to lift off of my chest.
I wasn’t being crushed and I was able to catch my breath
I lifted my hands,
And felt my pain slowly go
Then I felt His presence… almost questioning, “Didn’t you know?”
The floor was a wall right in front of my eyes
And Jesus right behind me, but I wasn’t surprised
I suddenly knew He was with me
Right there in my sin
I couldn’t feel his warmth
Because I wouldn’t turn to face Him
But He met me where I let anger and loss and fear try to erase Him
He encouraged me to turn around
To look at Him
To just face Him
I turned and didn’t look away
I didn’t want to hide
I braced myself for anger but instead felt love from deep inside
I felt seen, I felt heard, and I finally understood
That Jesus makes a house a home Because He IS good
The commandments we’re to follow aren’t just silly little rules
They keep our houses steady
So we don’t blow off our own roofs
He wouldn’t let me go through that wall
But the harder I pressed to it
The more my delusional mind
thought that I should do it
But I turned to face the weight and saw it was just His gentle hand on my shoulder
Now I know if I turn away from God
His love feels like a boulder

Usually quiet & observant.
Then there are times
When my personality
Becomes loud like an antic.
Creating a vibe, like my
Soul had to have it.
It feels therapeutic,
These angelic wings
Have me soaring
Above cloud 9.
Highly Elusive,
Always trying to reach for
A higher learning,
Admiring those high moments.
Appreciative of the small achievements.
A grin to myself feeling mischievous.

For a long time, I believed strength meant pushing through everything — exhaustion, grief, expectations — without slowing down. I thought endurance was the measure of who I was.
But life has a way of teaching you differently.

Over time I realized that the moments when I felt most lost were the moments I had abandoned myself — physically, mentally, and spiritually — just to keep moving forward.

So I started doing the opposite.

I began listening to my body again. Creating space for clarity in my mind. Reconnecting with something deeper than survival.

And learning how to actually integrate those things into the way I live.

And what I discovered is that when those parts of your life stabilize, something powerful happens.

You stop searching for yourself everywhere else.

You come back home.

That realization eventually became the foundation of the work I do today.

The Four Anchors Collective is built around a simple truth: most people are living disconnected from themselves.

Disconnected from their bodies. Overwhelmed in their minds.
Spiritually untethered.

My work is about creating intentional spaces where people can reconnect with four essential anchors — body, mind, spirit, and integration — through curated experiences and the guidance of experts in these areas.

Because real transformation doesn’t happen in moments of inspiration.

It happens when insight becomes anchored in everyday life.

It’s not pretty.
It’s not a brave TikTok caption
about “choosing recovery.”
It’s me
curled-up on the bathroom floor
in the dark
because the overhead light feels too exposing,
crying so hard my ribs hurt.
The pump hums next to me.
That steady mechanical sound
that’s supposed to mean safety
feels like it’s just adding a million pounds to me.
I want to shut the damn thing off.
Unplug it.
Pour the formula down the sink
and watch it disappear
So I could erase the calories
with it.
I feel too big.
Too heavy.
Too much.
My stomach feels swollen —
not from surgery,
just from being fed.
From being alive.
From existing in a body
that takes up space.
And that space feels unforgivable.
I catch my reflection
in the window across the room.
It doesn’t stay silent.
“You’ve gained so much,” it says.
“Look at your face.”
“Look at your stomach.”
“You’re huge.”
I know windows don’t talk.
But Ana does.
And she knows how to use glass.
I press my forehead to the cold floor
and let the tears hit the smooth lines.
I want a scale.
God, I want a scale.
Just to know.
Just to confirm the damage.
Just to punish myself
with a number.
My phone lights up beside me.
My Doctor texts sit pinned at the top:
“Keep up the good work with feeds tonight!!”
She says” We don’t focus on weight.
There isn’t a number we’re chasing.
Just keep going.”
But I know there’s always a number somewhere.
A chart.
A range.
A silent line in the sand.
My peer mentors words echo in memory:
“I know it’s hard to not know your weight
But don’t buy a scale or listen to Ana Lydia!!”
On my placemat
the one I made in Residential
are the faded messages from Jenae,
Katelynn,
Emily.
Handwritten hope.
Sharpie encouragement.
Little mantras about fighting back.
I drag it into the bathroom with me.
Ana scoffs.
“They don’t live in your body,” she says.
“They don’t feel this weight.”
“They don’t see what we see.”
Her voice is so loud tonight
it drowns out everything else.
The texts feel far away.
Muted.
Like they’re playing from another room
with the door closed.
Ana is right here.
“Just skip it,” she whispers.
“Just stop the feeds.”
“You were fine before.”
“You don’t need all this.”
The pump hums again.
I hate that sound.
Not because it’s loud,
But because it’s liquid calories being poured into me.
I hate that I depend on it.
I hate that recovery feels like inflation.
Like I’m expanding past
what I can tolerate.
Recovery isn’t glamorous.
It’s crying on tile floor
It’s arguing with your own reflection.
And thoughts,
It’s wanting to sabotage yourself
so badly your hands shake.
It’s feeling like you’ve gained
three hundred pounds overnight
even when you know that’s not how bodies work.
It’s staring at encouraging words
and feeling nothing.
It’s Ana getting louder
while everyone else gets quieter.
I lay there,
On the bathroom floor,
tear-streaked, exhausted, furious,
placemat next to me,
phone buzzing,
pump humming.
I want to throw in the towel.
I want relief.
I want control.
I want the noise to stop.
But I’m still here.
The feed is still running for now.
And even though it feels like I’m losing tonight,
even though Ana is screaming,
even though the window feels like evidence,
I haven’t unplugged it yet.
I haven’t poured it out.
I’m still crying on the bathroom floor.
And that’s not glamorous.
But it’s recovery for today.

The ache of grief
Is like soft violence
To the soul –
Yet we’re portrayed
As fierce individuals

Was it even real life?
The news
The pink lines
The positive feedback.
Was any of it
Actual facts?
I’m asking because –
It was taken away
Faster than given time
To accept.
I’m now left with this
Bitter feeling which
May never go away.

If I could have just one more…
One more hug
One more talk
One more walk
One more dance
One more chance…
To see you again…
I know you’re with me everyday in spirit but my heart is still sore,
I know I’m asking a bit much but
All I need is just one more 🖤

Dear Unsealers,

It’s the first evening of March. Spring is starting to make its presence known. And with good timing, too, after last week’s blizzard.

February always goes by so fast, as does the year once we get past January.
After all, it’s a season of trasition.

It’s time to welcome in the new month:

Welcome to March
A month of transitions

From the clocks moving up an hour
To winter reaching, its long end

Longer daylights are on the horizon.
With blooms soon to follow

A month to honor patron saints
Pádraig na hÉireann, Dafydd o Gymru

And a month of awareness, in the US
Turning green for Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month

As quickly as February went by
The next thirty-one days have arrived.

I like old school never been a follower, Not

a fan of new school moves so I don’t follow up.

I enjoy cooking in my kitchen make a playlist
we can listen.

That’s a different intimacy many ways to get into the physical not just physically,

I still like walks in the park it could be silent, Just not after dark.

I enjoy good conversation, laughter, genuine vibration, affections always a blessing, it don’t have to be undressing.

Let me enjoy your company, relax kickback, soak in the pleasure comfortably.

outdoor activity, we can engage in,
I enjoy family time making memories to live with.. only getting older so time I cherish it.

It’s the little things that make me smile like new home decor, or a man playing with his child.
I’m always up for learning so teach me what you know I’m yearning.
~AmoursRawExpressions-🌹

If this were the early 1900’s, I would be considered a “Mad Woman”. And if we were in the year of 1692, I’d be burned at the stake. But we’re halfway through the year 2025 and although I’ve been called crazy by numerous people in my lifetime, I’m not having to endure electric shock therapy in a home for the insane and nobody is throwing me into a river to see if I float!
Although my thoughts and ideas on many subjects can be considered extreme or downright silly, I think I’m doing pretty good.
Six years ago, I threw out my numerous bottles of antipsychotics, antidepressants and whatever else the psychiatrist was giving me. There were 5 in total. And none of them ever helped. I had a multitude of side effects from many of the different drugs they had tried on me over the years. One medication caused me to hear a loud buzzing noise in my ears constantly! I was losing my mind because it really sounded like a bumble bee in my ear. Another medication caused me to not be able to eat, and while I liked that side effect, it also caused a pungent taste in my mouth that I couldn’t get rid of and made me into a zombie. When they tried me on Prozac, I became incredibly suicidal and because of my extreme state of depression, I was unable to recognize that it was from the medication. I don’t know how many different meds I was on over the years, but nothing ever made me happy or less suicidal. Only I could do that!
The change didn’t come until I discovered a more spiritual path. I started reading about the law of attraction, which intrigued me. From there, I read a book called “Reality Unveiled” that completely opened my mind, as I began to discover the fascinating world of Quantum Physics. It was as if the veil was lifted from my eyes and even though my life wasn’t all roses and rainbows, I began to discover that I had the power within myself to create a world that I could love! After suffering through what is referred to as a dark night of the soul, I slowly started to emerge from my darkness. After 4 suicide attempts within three months, I gave up hope of ending my life. If I couldn’t die, then damn it, I better make this life worth living! And that’s exactly what I did!

I haven’t always been like this. This woman that’s standing here today is who I have created. For myself, in spite of myself. It’s been a long journey thus far and I’m far from being the woman I aspire to be. But I am proud to say that today, I am better than I was yesterday. Had you known me 5 years ago, you’d be amazed at the transformation. Ten years ago? Who the hell was that woman?! She was quite fucked up, I must say. But she was me and everything she went through brought me to who I am and where I am today and for that, I am forever grateful. You see, today, I am no longer ashamed of who I was. I love the old Wendi. Poor, broken, hurting Wendi who lived in fear, covered by anger and sadness. She was lost. And that’s how I see her; as a lost child who just needed to be loved. And since there was nobody to love her, I decided I HAD TO love her. So that’s what I did. I became my very own best friend. Afterall, I would NEVER say horrible things to the ones that I love. So why the hell was I saying horrible things to myself? I was my own worst enemy. NOBODY ever hurt me as much as I hurt myself. And that was on a daily basis. I was never nice to myself. All I ever did was say mean things to myself and try to destroy myself. I see now that all the times that I wanted to kill myself….and God knows there were more times than I can even count, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I was trying to kill off the version of myself that was sad, fearful and hateful.
All this time, it was me! I was the one creating the misery that I had made my home. It was a house I had built with all of the bricks of my past. All of the people, places and things that I had experienced. But mostly, my walls were made from the traumas I had experienced. I built these walls of trauma all around myself and hid behind the walls.

But why? Why would I want to live that way? Why would I build walls of trauma around me and hide my true self? Well, it’s because it is what I was conditioned to do by the world. You see, growing up, we’re taught to be quiet and listen to our elders, listen to the beliefs that are fed to us constantly by institutions like school, the media and religion. But we were never taught how to heal. We are constantly being bombarded with images on the screens. Images of what we are supposed to look like. Schools telling us who we should be;or conditioning us to be robots that work for the system. Our inner child was suppressed. The divinity within us was suppressed.

In a Perfect World
In a perfect world, clocks do not exist, nor does the Gregorian Calendar. Our days are determined by the sun, moon, stars and seasons. Women and children are loved, honored, respected and most importantly PROTECTED. When we are sick or tired, we rest and use medicines that come only from Mother Earth. We communicate openly, and honestly with each other. Vulnerability is not seen as a weakness, for to be vulnerable is to open yourself to another human being, which is the bravest thing you can do.
In a perfect world, we live together in communities of our families and loved ones, where we all work together for the greater good of our community. There is no need for a leader, only elders that have wisdom, knowledge and skill to pass onto the younger generations. There is no greed, because we all realize that we are one. Unconditional love and grace is given to all. This is the Christ Consciousness returning to humanity.
The goal is to build a community of different families who each have their own piece of property to do with whatever they please. Each family contributes to the community in ways that suit them the best. Some families may want to grow vegetables while others have animals they raise. Everything is shared. There is no greed, for we all realize there is more than enough for everyone. There is no need for money in the perfect world. The real wealth is in who you are and what you contribute to your community. The women in the community do not go by the 24 hour cycle that was built on the male hormones, rather we live by our menstrual cycles/hormonal cycles. We raise children, we sew, make art, write, garden, heal others or whatever else it is that we love to do with our time. And when someone in the community is in need of help, we work together. If someone needs something fixed, built or repaired, we come together for that family in whatever ways we can. If someone is sick, others help by taking care of them and their responsibilities (gardening, children, whatever) We take care of each other. This is the way it was meant to be and it is the way I am hoping it will return to. I need a community of like minded people who want to live in harmony with the earth and each other, without government or religion. The only rules are this: Do not hurt others or take from them in a way that will harm them. That’s it. Just don’t be an asshole. This is a community where we don’t use leadership, government, religion, race, etc to separate or divide the people. There will be no division, only love and unity. It breaks my heart to see a world of people who do not believe that this is possible. Where are my people who want to live free and exit this disgusting rat race they have enslaved us in? Where are my people who are waking up to the truth that we are nothing but cattle and baby making machines to the men who have ruled over us? I’m done being a slave. I’m done being sick because the food and water they give us is being poisoned and they make it so expensive to buy local, organic food that most people cannot afford it. I’m sick of making my body run on a cycle constructed for the male hormones. I want to honor my body, not push it harder. I know other people out there are sick of it too. The native Americans and many of our ancestors lived this way before the Governments and churches took over and enslaved us, re-writing history and enslaving the population to chase after the dollar. They have lied to us about everything, they have hidden away truths and given you edited versions that control and enslave the masses further. Wake up people.
In a perfect world, people are not judged by the color of their skin, the size of their waist or their personal beliefs. Everyone is seen as whole and valuable. People are admired because of the love in their hearts and the compassion and grace they give to others, not by a title given to them by society or because they look a certain way. I see how the population has been brainwashed into believing that we should look a certain way, be a certain way… and it was all to control the people and make them believe that they are not good enough, so they will continue to live in misery, enslaved, chasing the next thing that will make them feel better about themselves or their miserable lives. They created the misery that you live in by making you believe that you are not good enough or that you need this or that. Pedophiles took over the media years ago and convinced generations of women that they had to look a certain way ( like little girls) in order to be valuable. But did it really start with the media? Control over women started in the beginning where narcissistic men wanted not to love and adore us, but to possess and control us for their own desires. Was it really Eve that tempted Adam?” SHE TEMPTED HIM”… sounds like what all the rapists say. It was put there from the beginning by the Romans who then went on to conquer the world with their ways of living that put women into categories that kept us powerless. Everything was done to divide and conquer. And they did. But now it’s time to take back our own lives. Who’s with me?

Week 10.

Wednesday, February, 18, 2026.
5:30pm.

The week that is forever a part of my story. Of my healing process. Of my grieving journey.
The night that has forever changed how I view life.

I keep telling myself that my situation is more common than us women would like to admit yet it doesn’t mean I can’t deny my hurt. My pain. My sadness. My confusion.

I kept my pregnancy quiet from society. Only ones who knew were my closest circle. Only because I’m a 40 yr old woman who thought it wasn’t possible for me to conceive. I was thrilled. Excited. Mind-blown. Lol. So, my loves had that right to know.

When I got the news of “I’m having trouble finding the heartbeat”, I knew my circle would be there for me. They were. They’ve been here. Forever grateful.

Today, I’m still processing everything. From beginning to end. It’s been so damn fast paced these last few weeks, I’m having a hard time remembering the day of the week. Lol. Yes, I know it’s going to take time. Time to process. Time to grieve. Time to heal. I know all of that. Journaling & talking to my circle have helped to an extent.

To all the woman who’ve experienced such, who feel alone, who don’t know where to start with the grieving process, who have gone thru multiple miscarriages, you may feel alone yet YOU’RE NOT ALONE!!! We can & will get thru such. No rush tho. Let your mind & body feel every emotion possible. Cry. Laugh. Scream. Do what you need in order to heal. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way. Every way is valid!

I see you. I hear you. I value you. I love you! ❤️