Dear Allison,

My name is Victoria and I want to first start out by appreciating your strength. I’m a 25-year-old digital creator, blogger, and mental health advocate from Texas! I never really claimed to be an “advocate” because I have no diagnosed illnesses. However, we all have mental health- and I’ve come to realize that it shouldn’t have to happen to you, to matter to you! I don’t know you personally- but I know of you through the power of you and your late husband’s platform. When I first heard about the shocking and disturbing news of Stephen “tWitch” Boss suicide- I had no words. My first thought went straight to your youngest daughter Zaia (who is beautiful by the way 😍) and I couldn’t fathom growing up without my own Dad. My Dad experienced some health issues related to his digestive system at the beginning of 2022. It affected my mental health because I realized how attached I am to my parents and thinking of my life without them makes me feel weary. While I believe it’s important for young girls to have their Dad’s around- I think it’s equally as important for little girls to have their Moms. A strong mama like you is a rare breed. I am extremely sorry for your loss- I can’t imagine your pain but I want to acknowledge your presence. Your husband impacted me in a more subliminal way. His bright smile, great style, and dope dance moves on “The Ellen Show” and on my Instagram made their way to my heart. You both moved so in sync- and I would be mesmerized. I ask God to send me a soulmate that’s as perfect for me as “tWitch” was for you. Anyways Queen, please keep your head up. I believe for a fact there are people out there who need your strength and resilience. Thank you for leading with love. Keep on moving!

With love,

Victoria

I could say I’ve known you forever, but that wouldn’t seem quite right. I guess I’ve known you for as long as I can remember. But even then, I’ve only known you partially. You’ve revealed yourself in different ways over the years and given me new reasons to love you. You’ve made days worth it. You find meaning in the little things and you know how to dress up a dollar. You go out of your way to make things inclusive and memorable. Most of all, you keep trying when you feel like you have no clue what you’re doing or where you are going.

We lose contact every once in a while. Sometimes I think I’ll never be with you again. It’s not like I lost your phone number, or you moved far away. It’s just sometimes I forget you’re there. I forget how to access you. In the past, I’d retreat further and further away before I remembered you exist and how to make contact. But now, I know to reach out a little sooner. You always know what to do and how to make things better.

There’s really no difference between me and you. The separation happens when I compare parts. I look at you as the “healthy version of me” but I should just be seeing me when I’m healthy. Rather than thinking of you as the “me” that I love, I’ll just love me. I’ve learned it’s a lot easier and more genuine to love when you aren’t doing it in parts. So, one day soon, I’ll just love me. After all, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.”

I’ve been where you are. I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist myself. I don’t think that’s all bad as we are called to excellence. However, it can make life kind of stressful. Your need for perfection can then spiral into overthinking every little move you make, criticizing yourself for things outside of your control, and shame that is totally unnecessary. You look in the mirror to find that your own worst enemy is staring back at you. You worry that if you make one mistake that people will see you as incapable and incompetent. You’ll show them you can do it all. Until you can’t. Suddenly you feel yourself teetering on the tightrope about to plummet to the ground. This was me before the pandemic started. I believed the lie that this rat race world feeds us that we must stay busy, we must produce results. So I took on added responsibility thinking I could juggle it all and also what was going on in my personal life. But really I was on the edge of burnout. My mental health was not good. My work was suffering. I was exhausted. To make matters worse my boss talked to me about my performance without asking what was going on in my personal life that was making it that way. She seemed to see my poor performance as a character flaw rather than the fact that a check engine light was on, and I desperately needed help. Deeply distressed and beating myself up for my mistakes I ended up with a fender bender. Luckily no one was hurt, but inside I was really hurting.

In 2020 the pandemic forced everything to a screeching halt. I went to my parents, house with no idea of how long I was going to be there. My parents and I were all working at home under one roof. The extra family time was a much needed blessing. My schedule usually filled to the brim with things to do was completely open for the first time in a long time. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I ended up doing a lot of thinking and realized that I don’t need to do everything. I am human, I make mistakes and I’m going to continue to. When I do make a mistake I can choose how I respond. I can choose to respond with grace and self-compassion. I don’t have to spiral, I don’t have to walk the tight rope. A mistake doesn’t automatically mean falling. I started to prioritize more and suddenly I was worrying less and less about what others thought about my mistakes and taking the opportunity to let my mistakes teach me a lesson.

Sweetheart I know you want to move mountains and you will. But spiraling won’t get you there. Beating yourself up won’t make you stronger, instead it will tear you down more. You need to learn to rest. You need to learn that your mistakes don’t define you. Learn to embrace your humanity. Learn to love yourself the way that you would love a friend. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of self-forgiveness. You are worthy to live a life that includes mistakes because if you haven’t noticed everyone else is too. When you learn these things you’ll be freer, happier, healthier, and holier. If you don’t hear anything else in this letter hear this; unlike St. Paul, you can’t be everything to everybody, but instead of being your own biggest enemy, you can learn to look in the mirror and embrace yourself in grace and self-compassion.

With love,

Fidgeting and nausea must be a natural state for you. Movement seems to disperse a bit of that nervous energy, but the feeling of your stomach turning is enough to make your mind go blank. I spent most of my life stuck in this mode, chalking it up to a hyperactive personality and a sensitive stomach. But looking closer at my life, I could see the mismatch that was provoking all of this movement. My body was telling me to go somewhere and all I was letting it do was twiddle thumbs and do internal somersaults. I needed to move, but not just physically, I needed to move into my body and start listening to what it was telling me.

I’ll never forget the beginning of my therapy journey when I explained my visceral anxiety and the advice I was given was “You need to breathe.” Breathe? I’m always breathing. How could I be breathing any better? I came back the next week to tell her “This breathing thing isn’t making a difference; I need something else.” She laughed at me and said, “That’s all I got for you.” So, I kept breathing. Deeper, longer, more fully, more expansive, more peacefully. And now when I start to squirm or my stomach starts to turn, I can take a deep breath and get clear about what I am feeling.

I know it feels like trying to stop a freight train with your bare hands when the nervousness gears up, but the more often you recognize that chugging and start to pump the brakes, the more often you won’t have to compare your feelings to four-ton vehicles going 50 mph. Also, the more often you get to be present in moments and make conscious decisions. Breath is a place of peace as much as power. And life is so much better when you take a deep breath.

I’ve always wanted deep connection. Honesty. Unwavering loyalty and unquestionable morals. I whined about the lack of depth in relationships each time my expectations weren’t exceeded. I wallowed in my own disappointment because I believed in a fairytale type of love. I thought, “if someone can dream it up, then they can make it happen.” I pushed myself to be what modeled my fantasy. I thought that if I could put myself in that storybook world then someone would love me like princes love princesses.

And I pushed a relationship for nearly 10 years to be that fairytale love. But no matter how hard I pushed, it just wouldn’t light up how I believed was possible. At first, I tried harder and harder, thinking if I was better, he would love me better. But as time went on, I developed a bit of resentment towards the man that I loved because he wasn’t giving me the relationship I always dreamt of and so patiently ushered him into. After his 28th birthday, he knew he wanted to get a home with me. After his 28th birthday, I knew I couldn’t commit to the absence of my fantasy any longer. I had to stop forcing a fairytale love.

The need to end things was a devastating realization for someone who thinks that people will love each other forever. But also, a liberating realization for someone who knows that real and whole love exists. It took a lot of days of feeling rejected before I acknowledged that I couldn’t push someone to be what they don’t want to be. And it took even more back and forth to truly acknowledge that someone can be a great person but not your person. In releasing the fantasy that I attached to my relationship, I affirmed to myself that fairytale love does exist. Because I saved myself from a future that wasn’t meant for me, just like how the princes save princesses.

“It is my duty, as an air rescueman, to save life and aid the injured. I will be prepared at all times to perform my assigned duties quickly and efficiently, placing these duties before personal desires and comforts. These things I do THAT OTHERS MAY LIVE.”

This is the code of Air Force Combat Search and Rescue (CSAR), my profession, and a sentiment that reflects much of my life. From 6 years of volunteer firefighting and EMS, to my 12 years in the USAF as a Combat Systems Officer (CSO) on HC-130’s the CSAR version of the C-130 cargo plane. I have spent my entire adult life even starting in High School training and preparing in hopes that I can prevent someone’s worst day from becoming their last. I have been blessed with the opportunity to do this a few times as well, and it is a level or rewarding bested only by being a husband and father. My life is dedicated to helping others, but sometimes, I need help.

I was always able to deal with the traumatic experiences my work has put me through by leaning on friends who understand. This is often the first line of help one can get and it is VITAL even if not always sufficient. Whether it was my first dead body, or seeing an unconscious classmates broken face wedged between the dash and windshield of her car 2 days after graduation, my many close calls, or losing a close friend; I could always find help and relief in the arms and ears of my friends and family. They gave me the strength and support to ensure post traumatic stress never became PTSD. But that doesn’t mean it was easy. All of these events gave me nightmares; sometimes for a night, sometimes for a week, occasionally for a month. There would be sadness, depression, anxiety. But all of this would fade with time and help.

But what about when that wasn’t enough? For the last 4-5 years I have been struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. Nothing new, except that it was not tied to anything. I couldn’t get past it because I didn’t have a trauma, life event, or anything else I could associate it with and thus, could not worth through the cause.

In the early days I just shrugged it off, pushed through and got on with life. But the episodes were getting worse, and more frequent. After years of this I was sick and tired, I needed help. After all, being a good husband and father are my top priorities, and this was degrading that ability…

But… I’m a military aviator…

Now, no doubt some of you think you know where this is going. After all, you have seen movies about military aviation, aviators are macho, tough, so surely there is a stigma with getting help! No, actually there isn’t, in fact we share our feelings with each other pretty regularly. No, I was scared I would be grounded from flying and bound to a desk either temporarily or permanently. But enough was enough.

With the encouragement of my wife, I made an appointment with the aviation psychiatrist at my unit. He reassured me that grounding was unlikely and only even a possibility if I was diagnosed with a mental illness. Ok, so now I am less worried!

So I opened up about how I was feeling with the psychiatrist. He gave me some great techniques for dealing with the depression and anxiety such as mindfulness and grounding that have been helping. I have follow up appointments to keep working on this and life is already getting better

Emboldened by that experience, at my annual flight physical with the flight surgeon the next week, I discussed the issue with her as well. She asked some questions about other aspects of my health and determined we should check my red blood count and vitamin D levels. My RBC was in normal limits but low considering I live at 5500ft above sea level and do a lot of running and mountain biking. Probably not contributing to the issue but worth addressing. We also checked my iron which is good so I am now on a B complex supplement. But the real concern was my vitamin D, it was severely low. I never would have thought of it as I spend a ton of time outside. But one of the symptoms is mood swings and depression (hmmm… sounds familiar). So now I am on a high dose vitamin D supplement.

After 5 years of suffering and worrying I would lose my flight status, my fear was unfounded, and what I needed was vitamin D and professional counseling. My only regret is that I didn’t seek help sooner.

Please, if you are struggling, even if it is something you have handled without issue before, reach out. Talk to a friend or loved one. If that doesn’t work, or is insufficient, seek professional help. Please don’t suffer in silence. I am still flying, still doing my job, but I am now also a happier and healthier person on the road to further improvement. And most of all, I am able to be the best husband and father I can be.

Thanks for reading,
SEZ

Dear Unsealers,
In a world ever changing technologically, it is sometimes difficult to keep up. I know this because I came to the computer late in life.
About 25 years ago I was hired as a pharmaceutical sales representative. My new employer handed me a computer and told me that everything I do in the field needs to be recorded on the computer. That included physician discussions, sampling activity and goals for the next sales interaction. In addition, I was told to set up my whole territory on excel sheets and create pie charts displaying market share. Oh my gosh! I was overwhelmed and terrified. Could I ever master this machine or would it be my great downfall?
I decided I was going to have to learn a new skill. I sought guidance and tutorials from my more knowledgeable peers. I practiced every night following the instructions as to how to do different tasks. Also, the company help desk employees became my good friends.
I discovered in myself that I could actually learn a new skill even when that skill seemed really daunting. Today I am pretty proficient on the computer. It feels like I climbed a tall mountain, got to the top, breathed in some fresh air and then patted myself on the back and screamed I did it!!

Shelley