So I’m a veteran now..
Help me open this
C & P exam notification.
Look at that,
a winner has been selected
for my mental health’s raffle.
Combat activity report card reads as follows:
2 deployments for me
&
93% on the subject of
American history.

I felt the ghosts
of our heroes
let their tears fall
over my shoulder,
because the heaviest pen in
the planet struggled to check the box that was applicable to me.

I’ve been feeling decently
until recently,
when I was notified,
that everything
that I try to hide
in the tombs of my psyche,
will be –
resurrected,
dissected,
&
placed under
a microscope.
Picture my ptsd..
As a protozoa in a petri dish,
just small enough that I will never
feel whole (fill hole)
unless I open up,
I will never heal my soul…

Or maybe a telescope,

for everytime I’ve
spaced
out.

There’s a dissonance
in the distance that
slightly resembles the terror that
holds my happiness hostage.
“Incoming,”
Incoming,
Incoming!

any alarm
& this action movie
shapeshifts
into the horror genre,

Michael Bay
transforms into
Stephen King.

“It” is
“The Pet Semetery”
Where
“Cujo”
Is buried,
alarms also make me feel like
Jon Coffee walking
“The Green Mile.”

The Doha Accord was signed on
29 Feb, 2020.

Despite this alleged “armistice,”
the mirage in the dark was the target of many armaments..

12 bombs…I think?

like scalping your enemy,
i’ve tried to sever
that memory from my head,
but try as I might,
it hangs on by a thread,
how could I ever forget
the bomb that knocked me out of my bed?

& the subsequent phone call
to my parents..
telling them how
f*cking scared I was.

Oh, the heartbreak harbored in their eyes,
for only a handful of times,
have they seen their son cry,
but anytime I heard
Incoming, incoming, incoming..
It was at least possible
I might die.

I genuflect to inspect
These 17 coins I have earned,
Jaded-
I helped pack the grave dirt of far to many urns.
The petri begins denting from the inside.

Still Sealed by the gravity
That re-wrote history:
the fat man who crashed
bockscar in
Nagasaki.

Or
the little boy birthed
from enola gay
in Hiroshima.

“Do alarms really bother you?”
“Yes, it’s my heart beat playing hide and seek,”
“Is it getting any better?”
“Not really,
Every time I try & get some sleep
I hear the floorboards creak,”
“Isn’t it just another noise?”

“No.

It’s every thought I’ve ever had against my life,
The Grim Reaper’s sychte felt so cold upon my cheek…”

Im thankful for all of the help
that I have seeked,
for the last 4.5 years
I have my good days &
bad days,
& I’m hopeful that
one day,
it will be
Just Another Noise.
But until then,
I hope you see everyone is different after they’ve deployed.

First day!
What to expect?
Exited, nervous, undefinable?
Confused, turned around,
Don’t know where to go,
Or how to study?

Well you’re not alone,
My first time at university
I was eighteen, unsure
Of what career to persue,
And what to study for me to succeed.

A new chapter in lives
New expectations, responsibilities,
That weigh heavily, as duties
To self and society’s demands
On your ability to make moneys,

Live alone,
Pay rent,
Have a relationship,
That’s heaven sent,
Have 1.75 children and pant
As you pay bills that pile, always spent.

Firsts are always flustering, lone,
As none other than expectations, gone, gone
Down the tubes as reality is a forgone
Hindrance to cheer that has none
Of the tools for survival except a will made of bone.

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

It’s been a while, I am a bit rusty at this. Please forgive the errors and step into my shoes for the moment.
I’m an insomniac. I have been, for most of my life. I never understood quite what caused it, but it stated in my early childhood. It started and stemmed from Fear.
Most of the time, it starts out with tossing, and turning, thoughts in my head running out of control until I can no longer stand the pace in which they are going. I roll, and I roll, toss, and turn, then I grab my phone, and I scroll.
As I scroll through the many stories, posts, and automatic ads, I see all of the beautiful people, living their beautiful lives, the screen before me stops at a writing contest.
A writing community, by the name of theunsealed. For the moment, my eyes ached and burned, I wanted to turn away, instead, I hit that button.
That button, was the very button, that led me to the greatest group of people and jumpstarted my healing journey through writing. Clicking that button, was the start of my dreams coming true. The minute that she responded to my question.
I didn’t think that I would ever become a published author, and often felt that I had let my Grandmother down. I had given up on writing in 2009 for personal reasons. In that moment, there was a spark of hope.
Negative thoughts often come with the package of insomnia. My dreams always seemed so far out of reach. I had been struggling with my past trauma, and in an instant, I was able to organize the jumbles of letters together into a beautiful story. Each of them, became my truth, my story, my power. My dreams coming true.
Each of the 5 books that I have been published in will tell my story. In poetic sadness, and in hope. Each of my entries came from my heart, and my insomnia Unsealed.
It’s a blessing and a gift. To read my words on paper. To receive the email that my entry has been chosen to move on. That everyone, is how my dreams came true! My heart will forever be filled with gratitude for all of you.
Keep writing beautiful ones. Keep writing.

My innocent smile of childhood
Is what I miss most from long gone
Days where naivety, fun fumbles, were good
For a laugh with family, friends, undone

By the simplicity of the life of a child
As you went about cheerfully hopping
From one daydream to another, a hidden bard, flipping,
Hiding in plain sight, forgiven for being a child.

Never let your smile drift into the sky,
Let it balance your mood, don’t brood.
As you smile, cheer will surround
Your every move as you inspire joy that’ll fly,

Flinging your dreams into reality
As your positivity you embraced,
Will endow you with being graced
By happiness, a comforting embrace.

©️Malak Kalmoni Chehab ©️

Dear child, let go of your worries.
You’re here for a purpose, I’m sure you know.
Though this world is large and you may be small,
You are connected to the source and the life force of all.

Dear child, open your eyes.
Though things seem strange, there’s room for surprise.
Each new day you wake holds potential for greatness,
A seed you can water and watch grow with awareness.

Dear child, remember your worth.
You were created for a reason.
The Divine orchestrated your birth.
Your soul is unique, with its own melody,
Brought here to find others and make new harmony.

Dear child, you are peace and love and grace.
It’s time for you to recall, see it shine from your face.
The purity you were born with can be returned to.
All that is meant will surely find you.

Dear child, don’t fret or fear.
Guidance and help are always near.
Follow the wisdom, the deep inner knowing.
This faith in the Divine keeps you ever flowing.

So my dearest child, breathe deeply.
Relax your being fully.
You have many gifts, they’re yours to keep.

In the year of nineteen-twenty-four
My grandma Lorraine was born
Forty-seven years more
I entered the world one morn

My mom being close to her mother
Chose my name in honor of their bond
I cherish and would choose no other
For of my name, I’m especially fond

In January of two-thousand-nine
When grandma exhaled her last breath
I held her tender hand in mine
Unwilling to accept her death

My namesake dying left a hole
A painful space I longed to fill
I set for myself a goal
Live resiliently as she instilled

Grandma’s lifetime was filled with sorrow
Early losing both parents and brother
She continued to trust in tomorrow
With a tenacity and humor like no other

She suffered injuries, illness, trauma
Several surgeries left her hobbled and sore
But she cooked, and she cleaned, and she dealt with our drama
Assuring us she desired nothing more

In my stiving to be a woman like she
I often struggle to find the resolve
Then I dig deep inside for her inside me
Remembering her profound strength was her love

I find myself in a peaceful state
More oftentimes than not
This truth was not always so
Often wrapped up in my thoughts
Until I chose to make a shift, realizing
My life won’t wait
This world I experience is a reflection of what I choose to create
I feel this peace in my daily rhythm
My connection to the source
Where once I was lost in a schism
I now find faith in that unseen force
Love, ease and grace encompass me
And teach me to embrace
Life’s ebb and flow and still I grow
Each moment an open space

So where is it I find this peace?
It is held within the trees
The wind I feel upon my soft skin
And the golden sun is a great place to begin
The stillness of a moment of breath
Brings me to an even greater depth
I find these moments everywhere
Because I know my source is there

I feel complete gratitude and know this fact to be true
The holy source that lights this life
Begins with me and you
The beauty of a snowy day, patterns made in ice
Learning to revere all the turning seasons
Each holding an important lesson
Growth, patience, perspective, Enduring reasons
Each holding their own blessings

My prayer today is to share that peace with each being I get to meet
So I’ll strive to be the light inside that I so dearly wish to see.