“Mom. Mom. MOM!” Dawson yelled.
Why did he insist on calling me from upstairs? Was I the only one with legs in this house? I started up the staircase, muttering as I climbed. I reached the top and found Dawson sitting on his bed meticulously inspecting a sweatshirt in his hands.
“What do you want?” He looked up, clearly as annoyed as I was though not for the same reason.
“Mom, why didn’t you try harder to get this stain out of my sweatshirt?” I strained to see what he was pointing to. He shoved the sweatshirt inches from nose and still the spot was barely visible.
“Did you try all of the stain removing products?” He demanded more than questioned. I resisted glancing at the clock on the wall which would inevitably announce how late this ridiculous conversation was making us. The cats circled his unmade bed, meowing for their breakfast. He’d put on a t-shirt but was still wearing pajama bottoms and hadn’t brushed his hair by the looks of it. All those unfinished tasks yet to be ticked off the morning list caused a nervous twitch at the corner of my eye. I called upon my inner yoga-mom, took a deep breath, exhaled.
“You did not tell me it had a stain when you threw it in the wash, so I washed it. That set the stain making it nearly impossible to remove. When I finally noticed the stain, I treated it several times and re-washed it, still to no avail.”
His eyes widened; he dropped his sweatshirt on the bed. “So, you’re just going to give up?” His voice cracked.
I scanned his face certain he must be pulling a fast one on me. His tight expression revealed otherwise. But instead of conjuring feelings of motherly compassion, I lost my temper altogether.
“Dawson, half my life is likely over. I am not going to spend what precious moments I have remaining scrubbing a stain out of a six-dollar sweatshirt. You’re young. If you want to scrub that stain, have at it. Knock yourself out. But I’m done. Now get ready.”
The drive to school was mostly silent and I had a chance to calm down and see the incident for what it really was, a vehicle to channel emotions he was feeling but hadn’t the words to express. We were both having a hard time accepting this next step, but we’d agreed on it. This was the last day Dawson would attend high school. At least for the year, I was officially withdrawing him.
I pulled into my usual designated handicapped parking spot and unlocked the doors. Dawson cast an accusatory look at me because of course I was breaking the law. But for like three minutes, I reasoned. He snatched his pencil, an eraser, and a protein bar, from the stash in the glove compartment, grabbed the car door handle.
“Hey, babe,” I reached across the seat, laid my hand on his shoulder, “The stain will fade over time. All stains do.” He smiled back at me.
“Love you, too Mom.”
I drove to the district office as if to a graveside, with a heavy heart. I walked slowly up the steps and straight to the receptionist’s desk.
“Hi, I’m here to withdraw my son from school.”
She looked at me with a confused expression. “So, you want to take him out of school?”
I nodded.
“Do you want to homeschool him?” she asked.
“Oh god, no.” She raised her eyebrows, and I was immediately embarrassed by my response. I explained I wanted to fill out paperwork to withdraw him from school, take him out, nothing else. She picked up the phone to call someone upstairs with more authority. It only took a few moments for the woman from upstairs to make it downstairs. She listened to my story, nodded.
“Yes, I’ll get the paperwork for you.”
It was involuntary, the tear that rolled down my nose and landed right where I needed to sign my name.
The woman with more authority leaned into me, patted my shoulder. “He can always come back,” she assured.
I thanked her for her kindness. I wondered if she could feel my failure. I wondered if she knew this was my second son to drop out, that I couldn’t inspire even one of my children to finish school. I thanked both women and made my way back to the car.
Inside the silent vehicle, I leaned onto the steering wheel. Rested my head for a moment. I closed my eyes and just breathed. Dawson never did have a decent day in school, especially once his father left. Every day had been a constant struggle with his tears, anxiety, and the effects of his obsessive-compulsive disorder. For my part, I’d simply tried everything I could. I threatened, bargained, bribed, begged and finally yesterday, I agreed to let him drop out. It was going to happen in less than six months when he turned eighteen anyway. Why prolong the inevitable.
Was I giving up? Maybe. For sure I was being forced to give up on my dreams and expectations for what I believed his life should be. And I’d have to learn to live with the stain it would leave on my mom-heart. But I reminded myself that it would fade over time. All stains do.

There’s a sparkle that lights
when I look your way.
Catching me off guard
with how the work goes into play.
Sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming
when we’re with one another.
Something I’ve seen in the movies
but this time it’s with each other.
You light up my life
like a spark that I never knew I needed.
My mind ponders—
you’re the one who thought
I often drift too.
We’re still so young
so much ahead—
picturing these moments with you
is like a story
one I’m glad I can just apprehend.
Continuing to blossom
like the rose buds
in the early spring.
Due to the water
making sense why it rains so much
when we’re with one another.
God is just trying to shed light
among our sparkle,
allowing our blossom
into the upcoming.
Never thought it was possible
yet still grateful for the moments
the ones that are in the upcoming.
You being a space of security
a place I never thought I needed.
Showing me what it’s like
for one to care for another.
Making my heart
want to continue to spread.
Allowing you more
as we discover
who one another is.
The life we set
does not sound alarm.
Allowing my vulnerable self
to show through
making me smile
on the inside as well as out.
Creating peace
throughout our world.
The one where—
no worry—
letting me know
it’s okay.
Giving me reassurance
making me realize that
you really are going to stay.
Not that I didn’t think you wouldn’t;
you’re just there for my overthinking mind.
We will continue to grow
within our world—
one that is immaculate.
No matter what is thrown in our way—
we’ll figure it out
as we have each other.
Creating a space
to which no harm—
will come our way.

I walked to life in a dark cloud not caring,
Taking roads that lead to of hurt and being daring.
So many times wondering why my life kept turning up bad,
Thinking is this all there is and why I’m so sad.
No one to help me not even friends or family,
Looking for a hand, looking for a chance to pull up out of this clamity.
I’ve been down so long out on the streets of cold,
Time is racing by and in a blink of an eye I am old.
I’ve been lost for so long feeling like there is no end in sight,
I want to be found in the eyes of someone before I take flight.
Then one day I stopped for just a moment and quiet came over me,
I was finally found by the one who was always there,
So I was never really lost, just needed to see who actually cared.

As I sit and reflect on my past journey wondering what life could have been,
I tried to imagine what path I didn’t take and when.
Some could have made me a singer some a lawyer and some an artist,
How my life could have been different but maybe not better not even the slightest.
There are things I would have done differently so many regrets,
But I wouldn’t be the person I am even with all the upsets.
To trials and tribulations in this thing called path maker,
I’ve learned and unlearned what stitched my thoughts forever.
I may not have been a singer or lawyer or even a great painter,
But the things that really matter are the people I affect which is so much greater.
So as I reflect on the path that I am on now,
I smile with content with what makes me self-bow.
For in this life what makes what’s important is never what we think,
It’s what we’ve learned and grown from and to pass it on to every person’s eternal link.

The clock, the watch, the phone all have eyes that watch from the view of 2 AM untamed
Heart rates jumping like the heat of the flame
Me plus You is a movie, what is the name
Our love doesn’t fit in the frame
So, cameras get jealous of the panorama pane
Real love never goes without pain that can be immense
So, if you’re hurt let patience play offense
Slow dancing with your memories is a nostalgic essence
Sweat dancing with the burning scent
Wick burning with confidence
Mirroring our silhouette, naked thoughts present tense
My hands without your curves, a death sentence
Each kiss turns a page of my sixth sense
I don’t need a third eye to see your imperfect contents
Table this: beauty is born from cracks so use the hurt as accents
She is priceless so keep your two cents
Temptation is off limits but I climbed the fence
The candle falls asleep to our aroma, hence
The flame goes out, conclusion love making after an argument
Sweet dreams enter in the tango of sheets, legs, hearts, rest swiftly to the comfort of her name
My heart is tied to yours, no more games
I’ve played tug of war and came out lame
No more burns unless it’s from the candle tamed
p.s. this is what it feels like when peace kisses love…

Heaven has gain another angel….

A few months ago, Mitsu was diagnosed with anemia, which resulted in a low count of white and red blood cells. He was prescribed medicine to take every day to help his blood cells function properly, and it worked for a short period of time. However, a new diagnosis was given on May 2nd, 2024, when he was found to be suffering from cancer, kidney failure, and a high temperature. Unfortunately, the doctor informed us that there is nothing more they can do to help him. My family and I are taking care of him every day, feeding him through a tube since he has lost the ability to eat and drink water. We are doing everything in our power to help him, spending as much time with him as we can. He is a fighter and has been holding on for almost a week now. May 5th,2024 at 5:00 pm my baby has passed away and joined GOD I’m happy you’re in a better place and not suffering anymore inshallah we will meet again meri jaan. We will miss you, you may not be here physically but emotionally and mentally you are. May Allah bless you always my baby we love you. You were treated by the best doctors I know because the minute they saw you they got ready to put ultrasound, heartbeat mintor in 2.5 seconds they knew tried their best to save you. Me and your grandma were willingly to pay whatever amount to give you the best treatment but you picked your head up and called out mama whenever we were talking to the doctors you knew it your time. Heart beat going up and down and temperature going higher, lower and then GOD called you, me and your grandma screamed I’m sure you heard our screams and cries saying, “not him not now,” I told you to let go whispered in your ear who knew you listened and let go. The doctors took you to another room and we saw tears coming out your eyes and the door opening up wide we knew you were leaving. The house will be empty without your meows. Me and our family will miss you babyboy youll always be our baby and never replaced by another. Your ashes will be here with us forever. I’ll always remember you calling out mama, following me to the bathroom always, bumping your head on my hand for cuddles, always stealing food. Your bird and fish siblings will miss you too, tell mitu your bird sister hello for me tell her even after many years I still miss her your my baby always and forever my black cat. Your cat siblings annie, milo, selena have lost their brother but promise me to look out for them from up in the clouds, stars, sun, moon never stop looking after us either we will miss you meri jaan always and forever never ever forgotten. Hope you visit in my dreams and thoughts always. Thank you for all the smiles, laughs, meows, you cured so much in our household anxiety, depression, sadness you made it all happy who knew cats were a miracle and my black cat was our lucky clover. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to take care of you and giving you all the love and care and even after your gone ill still be your cat mom. O Allah, ease upon him his matters, and make light for him whatever comes hereafter, and honor him with your meeting and make that which he has gone to better than that which he came out from.

Bismillah

May Jannah be a safe place for you

I questioned if the day would come that I would find myself again
But here I am on my own 2 feet and so glad that it came to an end

New routines and all my own things have cause me to feel alive
Wow I should have left years ago instead of wishing you would die

The haze has finally lifted and that brought clarity to my life
It’s like I can breathe again and I have never missed being your wife

The rudeness and the disrespect had finally reached its end
And with that new freedom came I feel like I can breathe again

In the beginning I had doubts and fears that caused me to excessively drink
But all that is gone now and I can finally think

Wow why did I stay so long what good did it even do
I couldn’t escape or run fast enough to get away from you

There was a time that I loved you and cared so much for you
But every time I would open up you shot me down like a balloon

I have all this freedom now that I never thought I’d have
And every time I remember leaving I’ve never been so glad

Decision after decision and choice after choice
Why would I ever go back when I’ve finally found my voice

No sadness and no regrets have ever crossed my mind
Except I wish I had left sooner instead of wasting so much time

I’ve seen you sad and cry and ask me to come back
But why the hell would I do that when all I ever experienced was disrepect and lack

I hope you find the peace you need and find someone who fits your desires
Because now that I’m finally free it’s like my soul is on fire

Mourning a marriage is something that naturally takes place
But mine began before I left every time I saw your face

God I’m so glad I left and found out who I am
I can breathe freely now and if I need to I’ll hold my own hand

Oh hi grief, we meet again and this time I am not fine. I was hoping that was the last time we would meet but once again I find myself counting down the time

Like the silent second hand of a watch everything feels numb
I can’t believe I’m here again but this time I don’t feel as dumb

Optimism use to shine bright like the sun reflecting off the waves but now I will have to sit alone- can I even be that brave

How can I even push through this horrendous season when last time you were the one who led
I guess I’ll have to hold my own hand and remember everything you said

Trying to feel the feels and maintain life for a while will be tough
I don’t want to do life without you- like omg why is life so rough

In the worst times of life you were my support and now this hardest time of all is coming and I feel all out of sorts

We have talked about our dreams and plans and never thought we’d have to go at them alone but one day I’ll be here with no other voice on the phone

You taught me to stand on my own and always look ahead and I’m so thankful for that because I am where I am today because of all the things you said

You pushed me, challenged me and always had my back and when things got crazy you helped me get back on track

I guess I’ll pack your things away to keep them safe and tight
All the while with tears streaming wishing you were here still in the fight

Have you ever let your mind sit under a cherry blossom tree
The poetic renewal massages the stress away the same way as the beach waves
Copy and paste, lying next to you is like closing your eyes under the sunset oceanside
A bright blushing sky with kisses of orange, and blue with a honeyed taste that simply grabs you
But nothing is as sweet as your sugar, under the shade of this suite
Fresh chill of a neutral setting is cooked by our body temperature
Peace in the reflection is bringing us closer
When I look back at how we arrived at this destination within the calm ripples I see a truth in the tomb of love at first sight
Our photograph under the light being born from fallen petals is a coveted site
I had to see the treasure I already had instead of searching for gold
That’s when our story began to unfold, I hate folding clothes
I rather unfold and devour deep conversations over shallow beverages
She likes easy ice, but I want more, as deep as the roots of this tree
The ying and yang
Discovering the ocean intricacies when it closes its eyes to dream and wakes up with a kiss complemented by a southern twang
She’s my main thang, calling my land line
Our language reads between the lines
Wrinkled with age or bitten white chocolate sheets
I love seeing your cherry blossom cheeks
p.s. you be the pink and I’ll be the red for Valentine’s…

Dearest Readers…This is a fictional story. Any and all characters in this story are purely fictional. Any and all relations to real people is unintended. I hope you enjoy!

I thought I heard music coming from the door. But, I knew better than to go in because he always told me not to. “That’s not a place for little children. Only me and mommy.” There was a certain feeling coming from the door pulling me to it. But I never went in. Until that day.
I had come home from school and my mom was already at work. My dad was home but in the garage where he mainly worked on his off days. I go to the garage to tell him I was home but, he wasn’t there. I looked around the house and found my mom’s purse and phone on the table. I heard music and followed it to the door. “That’s not a place for little children.” My father’s voice echoed in my head but, I wasn’t a child anymore. I opened the door and a blinding light shielded my vision. I kept hearing my name and I went toward the voice. “Rhyla? Can you hear me?” I slowly nodded my head. “Where am I?” The woman sighed and had a smile on her face. “Welcome back. You are in the hospital. You’ve been here for several months. He had a tight hold on you this time didn’t he?”

This story is inspired by those who struggle with mental health each and every day. I am glad you are still here! You have friends and family who love you and people willing to help you feel like yourself again!

It’s hard to think that just 5 years ago my mom ended her own life. Through years of battling addiction and struggling with mental health she could no longer take the pain of grasping another breath. It’s hard to look back with love when all I want to do is hate her. Pain, she caused me nothing but pain in her last years and those seem to be the most prominent memories in my mind. The joyful smile of a young girl with her loving mother is just a distant memory I’m never able to hold. Always screaming, when wasn’t she screaming, she fought demons in her mind and let them devour me with her. Abuse, fearing to see my next day, fearing death by the hands of my own mother. I still hear the echos of her voice telling me I was worthless to her something she wish she’d never had to look at, someone she’d never created. Red, shards of glass scattered across the floor, they were aimed for my head. She aimed them to hurt me. Remorse, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so so sorry, please forgive me. I didn’t mean it I promise I swear I could never hurt you. Lies, it was always a lie. Fear, pain, loss, hurt, yet so much empathy for the women who was hurt, the women who was once a little girl who was hurt so badly it changed her brain. A little girl who dreamed of growing up, a girl with aspirations and dreams, a girl who had a whole happy life ahead of her and saw no darkness in the world, a girl that was once just like me. How could I hate someone who I understand so deeply. Never will I agree with what the past holds but never will I hold the past against you. You were my mother, you were supposed to watch me grow and live a long life, but I understand the battle you faced in your mind everyday and I see how strong you were for holding on all those years.

I need you, I’m scared
The man who I thought was my father
Was only my Dad.
I knew too-right from wrong
But God is my Father,
And He is strong!
He’s not like my Dad though,
Yet, some similarities you know?
How is your Mom?
Is she still alive?
I wish to your place again
I could run and hide.
As kids and friends
Billy I was already perverted
Some scary stranger…
Wrecked my life.
And then he laughed about it
40 years later
How’s that a joke?
I don’t know.
But I’m better now,
I’m a child of the King!
And in 4 trillion more years…
I’ll still be!
Like prejudiced people used to say in school,
Calling some a wanna’ be
Except my wants changed.
I want to be a man of God,
I want to be good
I sure wish I could.
But I’m gonna try to learn how!
I miss you so bad
You were the first best friend I had.
My best friend now-since “1996”
Is the coolest!
His name is Mike
He’s from Cleveland
I’ve even prayed and cried over him.
I want him to go to heaven!
You better be there when I get home,
I want you to meet him.
I wish I had not
Brought you smoke.
I want to be buried under it.
You were like an exception
Dad would let me out.
He must had liked you too.
Sometimes I think
I haven’t changed much inside…
But I have! Hey,
I know you remember Scoot,
He told me what happened, at the bar
When he cried. Billy, I wish you never died!

I recently had the privilege of speaking with Jon Antonucci on my podcast, “Grit, Grace, & Inspiration.” At 19, Jon was involved in a tragic arson attack that dramatically altered the course of his life. As he shared his story, I couldn’t help but find surreal parallels with my own life-altering experience.

I was only 17 when a life-saving surgery to remove a brain tumor left me completely blind. This was completely unexpected. Waking up to a world of darkness was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. There was no possible way this could be my new reality. I held onto a thread of hope that it was all just temporary, that something would restore my sight. But as days turned into years, that hope faded, and I had to face the truth of my new reality, I was now blind.

Jon described being sentenced to 14 years in prison in much the same way. He recounted the surreal feeling as he was handed his sentence, and like me, he clung to the hope that his nightmare would be overturned—that he would wake up from this bad dream. But the years passed, and reality set in. Jon would serve the next 12 years behind bars, followed by two years on supervised release.

What strikes me the most about our conversation is not just the gravity of our trials, but the surreal acceptance we both had to come to terms with. There was no miraculous intervention, no sudden awakening from a bad dream. Instead, there was a slow, often painful acceptance and adaptation to our new realities.

Both Jon and I have found ways to see our adversities as formative, even integral, parts of our identities. For Jon, his years in prison became a time of intense personal growth and reflection. For me, blindness was not the end but a new beginning, shaping me into the person I am today.

This is the beauty of the conversations I get to have through my podcast. Despite the vastly different paths we all walk, there’s a thread of commonality that connects us. Each of us faces our own “unthinkable” at some point, and yet, it’s through these challenges that we often find our deepest growth and purpose.

It’s only when we take the time to understand one another that we come to realize that we’re not so different after all. We are all just trying to navigate the complex journey of life, finding purpose in the paths we least expected to walk.

You can listen to my conversation with Jon Antonucci inside of Episode 284 of Grit, Grace, & Inspiration:
This link will let you listen online:
https://GritGraceInspiration.com/Jon-Antonucci
Or this link will let you listen on your favorite podcast app:
https://GritGraceInspiration.com/Listen

Remember, it’s not what happens to us in this life that defines us, but rather how we react to it that counts.