I’ve been feeling so defeated.
So many emotions bottled up,
Looking for a healthy way to release it.

I’ve always loved to write,
But too afraid to share the feelings I’m feeling.

Wanting to use my life to make a difference,
But I’d have to put myself out there,
For the whole world to see it.

Too afraid to lose my sense of security,
I hold on to all that I been through.
But what good is my pain,
If it’s not used to help you.

As the years pass me by,
Sometimes I feel I’ve lost my purpose.
Just when I think I’ve got it figured out,
Here comes life saying,
“Here, let me show you this.”

I have to relearn & readjust,
Every so many years,
& it’s so exhausting.

Idk whats right & what’s real,
Life tends to back out on its word & confuse me foreal.
Todays healthy, is tomorrows cancer.
Just when I think I’m headed in the right direction,
I fall off my track,
& create a new disaster.

I never knew how to love myself,
Even though I really tried.
My idea of self love backfired on me,
Time after time.

Then one day my body gave me no choice but to listen,
I was barely walking or standing & my mental health was deteriorating.

I had those thoughts we never talk bout,
Because I wasn’t living.
I was glued to my bed,
Thoughts racing day & night in my head.

I couldn’t be the mom I wanted to be,
& above all, I think that’s what broke me.
So many things combined,
Made my body explode inside.
& From there on out,
I had to say goodbye to the old me.

Day after day,
I wake up & go to bed in pain.
But I try… again & again.
Whole body screaming,
“Someone please come & heal me.”

Slowly but surely, I’m working.
Hoping to find the remedies to heal all the trauma stored in me.

I deserve more then self pity.
I’ve seen ppl worse off,
living they’re dream.

It would be so disrespectful,
Not to do all that I can,
To feel better.

I’m hurten,
but occasionally I hear that voice in my head saying, “I’m worth it.”

It’s a painfully slow progress,
But Its said, “slow & steady wins the race.”
I hear we hold within us & above us,
All the tools & strength.
Strength needed to face tomorrow,
Until you reach the day with no more sorrow.
Self healing, not self pity,
Is the motto.

My body is a powerful place,
Covered in Gods healing & grace.
& one day I shall conquer.

Dear, Unsealers:

As I looked at my silhouette on the beach in Rincon, Puerto Rico the sunlight surrounds the shadow.

I can’t help but smile when I see my entire body in the early morning light. I’ve been holding it back for so long. Covering it up with socks, shoes and jeans. Making excuses for not joining in the fun. Now, I’m walking along the beach barefoot. It doesn’t matter that there’s not a soul around, just me.

The scars on the right leg from a double surgery back in 2001 are ever present, all seven of them. And the scars from the pins that used to be in my three middle toes. I feel the sensation of the sand softly walking up and down the beach. The splash of the water getting closer to the waves. And the breeze of the water surrounding me. Life feels good right now.

Days like this weren’t possible before. I was so afraid that everyone would gawk at my body. Heaven knows it came up for criticism during my younger years from loved ones. And I’ll be the first to admit that my body is an imperfect vessel.

But in this moment, I embrace myself fully and all the scars that I have. Without my scars I wouldn’t be the resilient person that I am.

I wonder how old I have to be before
people stop seeing my body
before they see me?

all life long
little black girls are sexualized
before they can even form a concept of the self.

12 year old me
standing in line at Smart & Final with my grandma
wearing my favorite romper
adorned with vibrant yellow sunflowers
and a conservative white shall.

That was the first time I got t h e stare
The licking of lips
and flirtatiously raised eyebrow from
the mid 50-something year old cashier
who kept a straight face until my grandmother looked away.
His glare of desire will always be engraved in psyche.
I didn’t know pedophiles existed
until I looked one in the face.

We can’t help that we bloom early
Blossom early into our womanhood
even when we are still kids.

What has to give before my DDD’s
stop entering the room before I do?
Before the melanin in my skins stops
telling my story before I even have the chance to speak?
Also….
what else has to be said before men
can comprehend that comparing my skin and my body to chocolate
and to meat is NOT a complete.
It’s dehumanizing.
Just. fucking. stop.

Ethnic women do not exist for the male gaze
or to be the starting point for your think pieces on feminism.
We are more than our bodies
and more than our skin tone.
We are the spirit
We are light
We ARE the blueprint
and the curator of most things
that you know and love.
Put some respect on our names
and treat us as such.

Tall and proud, cast in shadows, the silhouette of a man,
A figure forged from fire and pain, his spirit steadfast, a fan.
For every trial, a lesson learned, inscribed upon his skin,
Like ancient symbols etched in ink, his countenance within.

His body, made of steel and stone, a vessel unbreakable,
A force to be reckoned with, unyielding and unshakable.
His muscles, like the roots of trees, unbreakable in their grip,
The bond of ancestors unbroken, through every trial and slip.

His eyes, like burning embers, flames flickering within,
A soul that’s seen a thousand years, yet still alive and raring to win.
His scars, like tales of triumph, etched upon his flesh,
A testament to fortitude, a spirit that won’t rest.

Through every desert, every storm, he’s journeyed through the night,
Rising ever higher, like the phoenix, taking flight.
Breathing in winds of change, igniting flames of hope,
His heart beats with a newfound strength, a soul that’s learned to cope.

My Dear Body,

This letter is to express my gratitude and love for you. You are more than societal ideals and judgments; you are a masterpiece. Strength and beauty shine through your delicate frame as you carry me with grace and endurance, allowing me to experience life fully.

Together, we have faced challenges and overcome obstacles. In those moments of doubt and uncertainty, you have shown me the power of perseverance. Your size does not define your ability to achieve greatness. You are a force to be reckoned with, capable of so much more than what meets the eye.

I apologize for any unfair judgment I’ve placed upon you. Those moments were not a true reflection of your worth. You are worthy of authentic love, respect, and kindness, regardless of your size or shape. I admire your strength and resilience, carrying me through each day. I promise to love you, care for you, and embrace our uniqueness

Together, we will celebrate our individuality and embrace the qualities that make us who we are. We will stand tall, even in the face of heartbreak, knowing that our worth is not dictated by external appearances. We will redefine beauty on our own terms, radiating confidence and self-love from the depths of our souls.

Remember, Body, we are a team. We have each other’s backs, and we will support one another unconditionally. Let’s embrace our differences, celebrate our strengths, and be proud of who we are, regardless of our physical appearance. But I want you to know that these actions are not driven by a desire to conform to societal standards, but rather to ensure your well-being.

You are a gift, and I am grateful to walk this journey with you. In a world that may try to diminish your light, know that you are cherished. Thank you for being my consistent companion.

With boundless love and gratitude,
-Anna G.