I dont tell myself no anymore.
I dont fear the devil at the door
Cuz I asked the world for bread and got a stone
& I refuse to be alone
See, this is the love I show to me
The greatest form of bravery
To shine so bright that everything grows
A fountain that never ceases flow
This sunflower spirit reaches for light
An inextinguishable will to fight
& when shadows come
my face still turns for sun
Who needs many roots when your held by the sky
With energy that’s riding high
I’ve learned the art of balancing
There’s equal peace and passion inside of me
No matter how high I’ll never fall
There’s clarity in standing tall
So I don’t say no to me
I radiate self loyalty
That kind of faith is kinetic
I’ll watch it ignite you in ways that are prophetic
See now I love stones
I move through them so others can grow
Holding all the shades of me
All the shadows casting free
Groundwork- this is fuel
Soil to reach & feel through
See I’m in love with the sun
& the sun is me
& I can follow that heat with longevity
Extend that heat with loyalty
Wrap myself in shadows & shine
Cuz I don’t need more light
I dont tell myself no
I love the depths of shadow.

Untying the knots from my own shoulders
& neck
Healing the parts I deserve back
Shaking my hips for no one else
Relighting the fires I once forgot
Returning to balance all by myself

Steam rises from the porcelain
I take a deep breath and submerge

Water envelops me
Cleansing my pores
Massaging my thighs

A flood of calm seeps into my mind
Dissolving my worries
Sanctifying my psyche
Giving birth to myself

The hot spring arrives
I am surrounded by pines and snow fall
I exhale

Why do I love myself?

There is that saying how can you love someone if you can’t love yourself?

Then again.
It has me thinking.
I love my family.
My friends.
Inanimate objects.
My creativity.

But at one point I was an afterthought
I spent a good part of my life.
Truly not loving me.
Liking myself never felt honest, real.
Didn’t feel worthy.
I never really drew too much stock of the idea of loving me.
And deep within I thought it was just enough.
Going through life. Being just blah
Giving parts to myself, to people. Who I didn’t love.
Just because I could. It was easy.
I was doing things just to make others happy.
While it didn’t make me happy.
I lost myself in the process.

Once I truly stripped myself down. To the core of me
That’s when I began to accept the fact that it’s OK.
To ask for help.
That. it’s OK.
To set boundaries.
Learn not to settle.
Be honest with yourself.

My Sadness
My Darkness
My Scars
The hopes I have.
The wanderlust of my mind.
Fully understanding of who I am

I began to love everything that is me.
I begin to see this light that I dimmed down for so long.

Then the realization hits that loving yourself is one of the best feelings in the world.
From now until when my time is up
I will always love me.

I FELL IN LOVE

This year threw me for a loop. In a way that I never imagined. I fell inlove hard. I fell inlove in a way I never imagined I could. I fell inlove with myself. I fell inlove with the way that I love. I fell inlove with the way that I walk. I fell inlove with the way that I talk. I fell inlove with the way that I think. I fell in love. So inlove that I didnt know what to do with myself at times. I fell inlove with healing. I fell in love with being. I fell in love with crying my pain away. I fell inlove with the breakthroughs. I fell inlove with leaning on you. I fell and I fell and I fell. I fell inlove with being by myself. I fell inlove with making decisions for myself. I fell inlove with saying what I needed to say even when I was a little scared. I fell inlove with the process. I fell inlove with the progress. I fell inlove with the fact that I wasn’t perfect. I fell inlove. I fell inlove with patience. I fell inlove with kindness. I fell inlove with everything around me. See, I finally fell inlove with me.

It’s crazy to think how many times I put you aside. And how many times I was angry with you. And how many times I beat you up mentally. And how many times I neglected you. It’s crazy to think how many times I hated you. And how many times I thought less of you. And how many times I didn’t listen to you. You’ve never left my side, and still I never put you first. You always had my back and yet I never had yours. I left you for everyone else at some point in time, and still you were always there when I needed you. You showed me the true meaning of being. And the true meaning of seeing. You showed me what it was like to listen to someone without judgement, because you always listened to me.

How many times did I sit on my floor hugging a pillow and crying out to you? How many times did I look in the mirror and not recognize all that I was and all that I was becoming? How many times did I waiver from all that you had already taught me, all because I was confused? How many times did I let others tell you what you needed to do instead of just listening to you? How many times, how many times, how many times?

I’m in awe of you.
See, Your brilliance is refreshing
And, Your beauty is astonishing.
Your mind is remarkable.
And your love is everlasting.

So yes, this year threw me for a loop. In a way I never imagined. I fell so inlove that all I could see was heart eyes in that light shade of brown. So inlove that all I could hear was the Bronx in every syllable. So inlove that all I could smell was the perfume that lingered on the pillow. So inlove that I saw you everywhere I was and everywhere I was going. So inlove that I memorized how you take your coffee in the morning. So inlove that I wrote your name all over my notebooks. And so inlove that I imagined building a home with you and for you. So inlove that people thought I was lost in the sauce. So inlove that I checked for you daily. So inlove that I checked on you daily. I fell so inlove with me.

Baby girl,

How are you these days?
I wanted to share some of the things I love about you, with you, because I know it can be easy to forget them. But you’ve come so far. Gliding into your 30s with goals you didn’t have a year ago, that’s commendable. Constantly drawing close to God and allowing him to guide you, that’s admirable.

You’re funny, and friendly. You make a room glow even without the light switch being on. You’re very upbeat and upbuilding too. Many wouldn’t be with the battles you’ve endured, but here you are! So capable and so unique.

So “go with the flow” and “whatever happens, happens”. That’s hard to grasp for some, but you make it look like an adventure. Your passion for creativity is stunning and you thrive in the realm. Your cooking skills are incredible! Who throws down in the kitchen better than you? A wife, dog mom, and companion that’s always trying to give 1000%. Don’t ever let that go!

I’m so proud that we are one. Keep celebrating the wins, even the tiniest of them all. Cry out the fails and get back into it. We’re unstoppable. And you’ve always got me in your corner cheering you on!

Your best friend,

Me.

I’m lonely because my reflection has no one to hold
The outline of my ghost seen from air that is cold
The vacancy used to be home to love so bold
My reflection used to smile the same way the sun made nature happiness unfold

But it’s become a mirror of the Jamaican blue waters searching for something tangible in frustration
Anger has become a raging river of pillowcase tears spilling over the edge of my mind in desperation
It feels like fire burning my frozen fingertips to ash when my cloudy eyes began to leak precipitation
I hugged the numbness where my speech completes puzzle, and her fingerprinted lips became my long-forgotten embrace of sensation

Feelings have been evicted, because complacency in place of self-growth was more stylish
My living quarters are filled with the residue of erased poetry regrets because love is too expensive to furnish
I can’t afford to keep falling on this psychological couch only to flood my frustrations and not move forward and allow my purpose to be banished
Moving sucks, the packing of emotions and unpacking a reality that shares tents of bluish

So, instead I’ll just jump so I won’t have to ever slip again
Love doesn’t exist, I said as I got dressed in my final outfit of sin
I went out to eat for the last supper, fin
Then drove to the bridge to take a dive to the end

I jumped and felt the winds of fear flush reality back to my consciousness
The waves of laughter mist a reminder that life isn’t that bad when our voice says ha ha
The breeze of memories gives me a taste of moments I kept locked away for safe keeping
Forgetting where I put the key, like the lost famous recipe

Depression opens my eyes and I see the weight it bears but when I zoom out, I see my hand pressing down on my shadow causing the darkness to surround me
I’m falling and I can see the bottom increasing
The last memory I allow myself to have is: when I bought flowers for myself

Because the colors help me see the sunshine from the shade or moon from the dark
The curves remind me of the smile I still own
Lest I continue to lease short term happiness for joy
Every time I fall, I witness the natural healing of the body
Loneliness is walking on eggshells by your heels
But forgive yourself and the solitude of peace begins to blanket you and I again feel
I bought flowers to say I love you
And for that last second, I breathe into death and say life isn’t that bad
Concrete darkness crashes into dreams
And my eye lashes rise their rays as I awake to a new day
Cold panic sweats greet me but remember I can just wipe it away
I go to the restroom, brush my teeth, and recite my daily affirmations because today is not yesterday
I love me and add extra icing for the pieces I feel don’t belong
My heart still beats so I sing my song at the top of my lungs, like I’m in the car by myself
Some petals have wilted but a new season welcomes the future bloom
I love me and that’s enough no matter what anyone else thinks
I love me because God loves me
p.s. I had to jump to fall in love with myself…

My soul reflected upon a judgmental society of mirrors. I’m imperfect. Flawed as temptation slept with my mental plane. Each scar, each mark a precious flower gently shining in the dwelling seas, a déjà vu of my sanctuary. My strength cleaved at the depths of beauty, caressing the temple which God has given me. Embracing my Lows, and yet impregnating the highs of self love. Preserved in a vessel of love, kindness fondled my gaze of brittle strength as I strive to deal myself within a life lived fully. It’s a story wrestled with aggression, seduced to its primal adolescence and yet my shadow tries me. It indicates a lack of empathy, a bridge between languages of self doubt and inability. Is it the real me? A person to fill my soul with acceptance. Is the good in me a side with regretful feelings. A half that is faded with disease as my shadow walks underneath my skin. Is he my kin, a friend that completes me in a fullness that is peace. I want this word off my mind, this self love that released things which kept me back. The good was always seeking, searching, yearning for this mistress of acceptance while the shadows kept me in the light. I dated the dark, undercover her abuse and stood by her side. Indulging with her my other half a self where love can truely reside. I am whole, I am enough, I am free in these times of self love, I find my peace. If lost I’ll find you again, I’ll stay focus with a purpose until the days end when I’m up to bat at your love deep within my soul and embrace worth the wait.

hello, sweetie

i hope today treats you kinder than yester years
i hope today alleviates the fears of past trauma and heartache
i hope it reminds you of all the people you’ve been

‘cause right now, you’ve hit your quota—
the limit of disappointment you can take,
the amount of discomfort you can stomach

today, you’re nebulous in thought and bound by the demons that haunt you
you’re adrift in the sea of hopelessness, but remember…

you have survived

you have walked over flames from the volcano’s open mouth
you have clawed your way out of hell
you’ve encouraged yourself in the midst of darkness

and there you stand

a whole woman with the scars and tattoos to prove it
a woman with light in her eyes,
gratitude on her tongue,
dripping healing from her lips like honey

a woman whose love for herself finally outweighs the hate of it
whose song to the darkness encourages it to smile

on the days when this life made no sense
you were reminded that what is
is not what was

so to the woman who stands at the door now:

come on in
rest a while
breathe

I was eighteen in my public speaking class, introducing myself as a lioness with a shake in my throat.
She reminded me of my own strength when I needed her most:
When I was dissociating away from my high school relationship,
And dissociating into the arms of an abusive one.
When with ferocious presence I left, and I rebuilt.

When Roe v. Wade overturned and I’m on the phone with a man
He rants about how many women must be so angry,
But doesn’t hear how it made me feel.
When he tells me I’m just like my mother like that’s a bad thing,
With the lioness by my side, I left, and I rebuilt.

With the flesh of my former self between my teeth,
I destroyed and built again.
With the pain of my foremothers suffocated under my paws,
I destroyed and built again.
With screams and aches and roars I didn’t know I had buried,
I destroyed and built again and destroyed and built again.

The blood of self-love drips from my jaw.
The lioness and I are side by side and we are one.
We have found safety at last.