I cannot keep standing with you,
waiting with you,
crawling with you,
trying with you,
and dying with you…
while you continue to throw stones at the pillars of my strength,
while you continue to hurl your crumbled burdens deep into my soul,
while you continue to stick your daggers dipped with venom deep into the roots of my spirit.
For it is hard enough for me to pick up your broken pieces,
all the while trying to hold onto my own.
But you see,
you’ve been too busy ripping me apart piece by piece,
you’ve been too busy tearing me apart piece by piece,
you’ve been too busy shredding me apart piece by piece,
you’ve been too busy killing me,
destroying me, diminishing me and my innerpeace,
in order for you
to see what I have unselfishly placed underneath your feeble feet,
just so you could be able to stand high amongst the stars.
So forgive me as I ask of you,
forgive me as I demand of you,
and as a matter of fact,
do not forgive me at all…
as I scream to you,
step down off of my now dreamless dreams,
so they may finally run free and wild…
never to be tamed again.
Step off of my now hopeless hopes,
so they may feel the wonder and beauty of the unseen horizons again.
Step off of my now broken wings,
so they may heal and proudly unfurl and caress the skies again.
Step down off of my sacrifices,
for my brokenness shall no longer be the gifts that you refuse to see.
©️
by t.stokes

To whom it may concern,

It seems I forgot how to let the
prospect of beauty
in its purest,
rawest
form
fall graciously into
my subconscious mind…
Yes, the place where light liquidates,
Where neurons shoot and transmute
To fill dark holes and dusty spaces

I figured I have no one else to blame
but myself
for when it gets too dark.
It is I who got myself into the habit
of naming my shadows
turned familiars keen on
purring gentle lullabies,
soothing my body into the night.

And I’ll admit
I was Tempted to replicate these
grayish hours
So I lay there that morning after,
alone, just like I’ve always been.
Alone with delusions named
tangible fantasies,
what I’ve conjured for myself
in the light of beautiful but misplaced passion.
But in your absence,
I delegate my time a bit more wisely
and decided to use it for
something different entirely.

Given my quarrels with things
beyond my control,
I’m inclined to relinquish myself
from this pretense of sadness
So yes, I’m here for some unraveling!
And yes, I’ll wrap myself in love-stricken
cosmological acceptance
Struck like Gold once more!
I’ll my skin tough
and viable
Out of necessity,
And I alone will protect myself from
the cold that

solitude
begs,

And though it may be quieter now,
I won’t acknowledge
the paranormal activity
Of my prefrontal cortex-ting
Me messages
From Sad ghosts
Keen on drawing on you
in with their version of
loneliness.

No, I won’t give in
Instead, I’ll open the curtains,
let the light back in.
I’ll count the days till Equinox returns
And I’m blessed again with summer’s infinite rays

And
All that’s left is to wonder is
“Who I can blame when
the darkness finally returns?”

Until next time.

Do you ever wonder if the way you look
was a mistake?

Do you think it’s just more of a problem

for you? Why?

Is it because you think that most

look better than you?

Or perhaps they are in a more perfect

way than you feel you are?

What is the perfect look?

Who said so?

Who set the rules, to say who

looks better than the other?

Anyone can be pretty, beautiful,

no matter who they are

or how they look.

Beautiful is having beauty,

it was never said,

what kind of beauty.

You make your own beauty!

Pretty is said to be pleasingly attractive,

An act of pleasure.

Anyone can be pleasurable

and create enjoyment,

That defines beauty and pretty,

And it is within.

Sure, you can look good and attractive

on the outside,

But to be beautiful all over,

You must also be beautiful on the inside.

It is always said that,

Beauty is only skin deep.

No matter what the world may throw at you or

your mishaps, or disabilities,

You are unique,

and your uniqueness is what makes

you stand out from everyone else.

We cannot all look alike,

because if we did,

How would you be able to distinguish

your differences from anyone else.

We were all made different

for many reasons,

but it is what we do with our differences,

that makes us even more beautiful.

Just as there are different seasons,

There is day and then there’s night.

There are many different animals

of this world,

Many beautiful and different flowers

and trees of all kinds.

Everything and everyone from the beginning

was to be different,

that was the plan.

So, when you happen to see someone

That seem to be staring at you,

Because you may look a little

different to what they’re use to,

It is OK, your difference is out in the open,

they could be hiding theirs.

Keep your head up, be strong and proud,

and keep saying to yourself,

I am different, I am unique,

I am beautiful,

and if you want to deal with me,

then you must take me as I am,

I too came into this world,

loved as a child of God,

Just like you.

So, do not whine or whimper

about the way you look,

Accept the way it is, and have confidence

in just the way you are,

Believe and know

that the way you were formed

and the way you look

was never a mistake.

You were made to be you,

Not him, not her,

not me, not them, no one else,

But You!

I know you may feel weak at times, but in those moments I want you to remember what makes you strong. It’s your ability to create beauty out of pain. To find wisdom in the aches. And fill the empty spaces of my broken heart with love. What makes you strong is the way you allow yourself to fall apart and break. What makes you strong is the way you put those broken pieces back together like a heart shaped mosaic. This is also what makes you beautiful. Your ability to see the beauty in everything, and share that beauty with those open to receiving.

Like when your home was falling apart and toxicity filled the walls. You made sure that your little sister was still happy. You did what you could to show her the beauties of this life regardless of what was going on around you, which required you yourself to see the beauty in the little things and share that with her. You protected and guarded her with love. Or like the time you were struggling financially yet you still found ways to enjoy life and help her do the same with what we had, and when we lost our home though it was tough, you didn’t give up on life. You still knew that there’s more out there, you still found gratitude for the little things, though you didn’t have much you focused on what you did have and found beauty in the little moments. Like the walks in the park, or our late night bike rides, finding beauty in the warmth of the sun and the twinkles of the stars, finding gratitude for the freedom you felt each time you got on that bike and had the opportunity to go wherever you desired. You remained grateful for each breath you took,  each meal you ate and each person that helped you in any way. You see, your grateful, kind, loving heart & vulnerability is a strength not a weakness. It’s much more daunting to take off the masks, put down the walls, and let your heart love freely. 

Vulnerability is your strength because it gives people something they could potentially use against you. It gives people the opportunity judge and ridicule you for your true feelings and beliefs. 

It’s also allows you the opportunity to connect with others heart to heart. To honor yourself by honoring your truth. 

You also, aren’t afraid to look deep. To acknowledge a feeling as it arises and follow it down to its root, even if it’s one that’s painful, you still do your best to sit with that pain and learn its story. The way you dive deep into the dark seas of the unknown is courageous. Not knowing what lies beneath the surface you take that risk of getting hurt by what you come across when you dive in past the uncertainty. That requires a bravery not everyone has. Though at times you may fall subject to the distractions and forms of suppression towards unpleasant experiences and feelings. You always come around and take a deeper look at them when you regain your consciousness. You are strong because you do your best to honor your feelings. You are strong because you wear your heart on your sleeve. You have the heart to get through anything and find the deeper meaning to it all. You have an undeniable strength, so whenever you feel weak, defeated or depleted, remember this. Feel into your heart, soft and loving yet strong and powerful. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. So read this as many times as you need, until it’s ingrained in your brain that you are as strong, willful and powerful as can be. 

Love, 

The Secret to My Strength?

Well, to put it simply, “nothing,” said Jake for 25 years of his life. Now, in the middle of his 26th year around the Sun, it’s SOMETHING: more than SOMETHING, add an S after that G!

Bear with me, as I invite you to think about a time you could not help but compare: for me, that is every day! Every day, I think of someone who is better than me, whether it be getting to the top of a physical mountain or the mountain that is my mind, telling me to not write this story because I’m not going to win the contest for $350.

“I don’t want to fail, someone’s going to have a better story… this is to much! Oh Jake, you went to Hofstra University for a graduate degree in Sports Journalism, and you make a mistake that is equivalent to forgetting to breathe! Have you heard of google? You know, it’s only your life preserver when it comes to knowing anything in this world; you are not Bill Gates! After all, your initials do indicate that you’re “just average”. You will never be Bill gates! That is the old Jake April aka “Just Average.”

Don’t worry, I did not call myself that, but I do know how to dramatize… I guest the award I should win is: Best Actor because the way I dramatize is not “Just Average”, it’s better!

Better is what I want to focus on here: better is a word I would use all the time. Quite frankly, I still do!

Now though, I’m not going to say I’m better than any of you. I’m not going to lie, do I think I should win the contest because mine is not better compared to all of you? Heck yes… you should think yours is better, too. What it comes down to is: not winning the money, but how did I do? Not how did YOU do; I ALREADY WON! WHY? Doing my BEST is the MONEY; I did NOT leave any lose change for me to look down to!

As I wrap this up, the climax of this story is: did I lift the Strongest Weight I Could Today, And Not Compare It to You.

So, what is my strongest suit; it is not to compare my cards to you. As the famous Randy Pausch said, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” In life we are all dealt different hands!

Dear world,
From a young age, I knew you would be challenging. When my mother decided that a fun life was the better life for her and left me alone at age 2, I knew I had to be strong. The fears, the tears, the pain of crying alone at night I waited, I waited for someone to come show me that you were a safe place again. At 3, I got to “begin again.” My grandmother’s gentle and loving hugs and comforting arms held me at night, and she sang to me. The tears over the years began to cleanse my heart and I learned that love was safe. Untill I became an adult and made a terrible, life changing mistake. Altering my belief of what true love was.

I became weak when his words slashed my soul to pieces and his powerful hands marked my face and body with imprints from his rage. I lived in a cage. I was locked up in the darkness and had to dig myself out of his prison. The night everything went black, after his final attack, I had 3 children to live for.

With the first blow to my head, I begged him to let me live, and he laughed at me. I fought. I had to be strong. His angry hands took me down, I didn’t think that I could fight any longer, harder, yet I did, and I survived his powerful blow to my head. Because I was strong. My will to survive became my power and when I woke up I knew it was the beginning of the end. I was determined to live that night. That night my grandmothers car and my grandmother became my safe place once again. My babies were safe. We were safe in her arms once again. I looked in the mirror and saw the patchwork bruising that he left all over my face. I cried and I cussed. I looked up for the first time in years, and said to myself “I’m strong enough to survive this” I didn’t give up, when I wanted to give in. My life has not been beautiful, but I am still here, and thanks to my strength, every morning when I wake up, I get to begin again.

There is a grieving process that comes with healing that isn’t often talked about, but I think it should be. Coming to a place where you can see yourself without judgement, even if it is for a fleeting moment, is something magical; but stepping into that space when you never thought you’d get there is an entirely different experience. Although I am happy to be at a place where I feel present and grateful in my life, when I look back on that young girl whose nervous system was in such a hyperactive state that she was never present to create many memories, my heart aches for her. I can’t help but grieve the loss of that time and those memories.

I lost years of my life to anxiety, to a constant state of trying to protect myself from everything in the world, while trying to appear as perfect as possible to avoid any conflict or hate, as I already had enough of that going on internally. I lived my life for other people, whether it was me constantly saying “yes” when I truly meant “no,” or over-extending myself to make sure I was liked by everyone. I always thought that I was too annoying or too anxious and crazy for anyone to want to deal with. I also felt like my anger was uncontrollable sometimes and I had no idea how to deal with it, and since I had zero understanding about my brain or mental health, I just internalized all of my problems and my self-esteem continued to diminish.

I’d have constant breakdowns and my boyfriend would be there to pick me up off the floor…I felt so helpless. I remembered looking at up at him with tears streaming down my cheeks and blurting out: “I just don’t know why I’m not happy! I have you, I have my cats, our apartment, my job… why don’t I feel happy?” I even tear up now as I write this, because I can almost feel that same emptiness in my chest in this moment of remembering it. I didn’t understand why I felt this way, and why I was treating the person I loved the most in unloving ways. After years of being completely against anti-depressants, I started my google search for psychiatrists who were in-network with my insurance and proceeded made my appointment. I honestly was under the impression that they were like psychologists who could prescribe medication if they felt it was necessary, but this one talked to me for about fifteen minutes and prescribed me Zoloft.

I want to say that I truly believe medication saved my life, and I don’t think I could have done the healing I did without it, but Zoloft was not the one for me. To be fair, I did say I wanted to turn off the overwhelming flares of emotion that took me over so often, but once I actually felt like I had no emotions, I quickly changed my mind about that. This was only the start of a long journey of being on and off medications until I finally decided to get back on a new medication and truly dedicated time to working on my mental health. I knew the medications were just a “Band-Aid”, and if I ever wanted to be able to feel regulated without them, I would need to get to the root cause of the issue.

That dedication took a lot of courage, and I can truly say that I my strength today comes from the fact that in my absolute lowest time in life, I was able to see a hopeful future where I could live with my anxiety, and I decided to take steps to work towards it. Not only that, but as I continue to progress through life, I am actively working on practicing “non-judgement” with myself and learning to love all of me as I continue to grow and evolve. I also find strength in my openness about my mental health, as I know how horrible it felt to be alone in my chaotic mind. Being open and vulnerable with the world is to show everyone that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that everyone goes through their own traumas and has their own healing to do, and I feel that we all need to give ourselves a little more grace as we navigate through this unpredictable life.

Today I feel strong as I am able to share my story publicly, and I am a lot more confident as I work towards being my best self. I feel strong that I have learned how to take criticism and understand not to take things personally. I feel strong in the fact that I am aware that I do not have all the answers and that I only know what is best for me and my life. I feel strong knowing that I will forever be growing and evolving and it is okay to change my mind and/or perspective. Overall, I feel strong knowing that I can truly do anything that I put my effort into, and I believe that is true for all of us.

My story starts in a small neighborhood in Dallas called South Dallas Growing up in this area I learned the importance of hard work, determination and family. My mother knew the importance of education and always pushed me in academics. They also taught me how my brain is the strongest weapon in order to achieve my dreams. My mom didn’t get the chance to finish college, so that means I am the first to go and compete in my family. At a young age my parents started getting me involved in church and taught me the importance of a spiritual relationship with GOD. I was on the usher board at 4, the church choir at 5, and being a representative for the youth at 10. Now I’m a youth leader and representative at my church. I do things within the community from activities like feeding the homeless, bringing canned goods for the organization Mike’s Kids, and mentorship for the youth. On every 4th Sunday I tend to be the MC for our youth takeover and help assign parts for the younger kids. I also showcase my dance talents to let GOD use me to inspire people and share my testimony.

While growing up I went through a series of events from being diagnosed with sickle cell as a baby, to having a stroke at 11 which affected everything on my right side and bleeding in a dangerous part of my brain, and getting pregnant at 15 and having my daughter at 16. I didn’t let any of those things stop me from prospering. I have always been interested in helping people the best way I could. I knew my gift at a young age was the power of my voice and not being afraid to speak my mind and being a leader.As a young African mother people think when you have a baby at a young age life is over. I think otherwise it’s just more of a motivation to pursue your goals and you to strive for nothing but excellence. If you fail in life you fail your child. I will not be a statistic and knowing the odds I’m up against I will beat them. I want to be an example for those who think they couldn’t do it or think they cannot.

This journey has not been an easy one, but I have learned determination and perseverance along the way. These skills will help me to be successful in college and throughout my adult life. I want to continue to break generational curses in my family. I know that all of my goals will remain dreams if I do not take the steps necessary to do so. Going into college my character developed tremendously due to the experiences I went through from experiencing death, depression, anxiety, and dealing with my sickness. Throughout all this a rebirth happened which led me to create my podcast SOULTALk as my escape from reality. Not knowing this connected me back with my passion for the love of art. I began to make SOULTALK a voice for the people and guide them through their darkness. I began to share my poetry at clubs at school and began to gain a following. Throughout my journey I lost, but gained way more. I started to build awareness and align with my soul purpose in this life which is to help heal the people and impact one person which will start a chain reaction. Now I am a senior at the lovely University of North Texas at Denton majoring in Biology with a minor in Chemistry. I know that my brain is my strongest weapon and I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to. Therefore, I am committed to working hard in school and looking for opportunities that could help me make my dreams a reality. I plan to become the change that I want to see in this world.