I eat till I’m full
That’s not true
I eat till I’m half full
Wait that’s not right either
I take a couple bites
There that’s the truth
I eat for myself
No…
I eat to please others
I willingly eat
Actually I force the food down my throat into my unwilling stomach
You’re fat
You’re fat
You. Are. Fat.
I fall into spells of confusion and dizziness
I black out
I’m forgetting who I am
What was it like
Before it all
Before the pain
Before the tears
Before reality set in
Before you’re words were all I heard
Now I can’t eat
I can’t look at myself and be happy with who I am
Cause your voice sits in the back of my mind reminding me
You’re ugly
You’re fat
You’re worthless
You. Are. Nothing.
Sincerely,
your daughter
You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are perfect the way you are. I struggled with eating issues in my teens. It was connected to anxiety, but I became so conscious of my weight. There was a quote by a blogger that hit me hard and it said, “Nothing looks as good as healthy feels.” Feeling healthy and strong will heal your mind and will help you…read more
A few months ago, Mitsu was diagnosed with anemia, which resulted in a low count of white and red blood cells. He was prescribed medicine to take every day to help his blood cells function properly, and it worked for a short period of time. However, a new diagnosis was given on May 2nd, 2024, when he was found to be suffering from cancer, kidney failure, and a high temperature. Unfortunately, the doctor informed us that there is nothing more they can do to help him. My family and I are taking care of him every day, feeding him through a tube since he has lost the ability to eat and drink water. We are doing everything in our power to help him, spending as much time with him as we can. He is a fighter and has been holding on for almost a week now. May 5th,2024 at 5:00 pm my baby has passed away and joined GOD I’m happy you’re in a better place and not suffering anymore inshallah we will meet again meri jaan. We will miss you, you may not be here physically but emotionally and mentally you are. May Allah bless you always my baby we love you. You were treated by the best doctors I know because the minute they saw you they got ready to put ultrasound, heartbeat mintor in 2.5 seconds they knew tried their best to save you. Me and your grandma were willingly to pay whatever amount to give you the best treatment but you picked your head up and called out mama whenever we were talking to the doctors you knew it your time. Heart beat going up and down and temperature going higher, lower and then GOD called you, me and your grandma screamed I’m sure you heard our screams and cries saying, “not him not now,” I told you to let go whispered in your ear who knew you listened and let go. The doctors took you to another room and we saw tears coming out your eyes and the door opening up wide we knew you were leaving. The house will be empty without your meows. Me and our family will miss you babyboy youll always be our baby and never replaced by another. Your ashes will be here with us forever. I’ll always remember you calling out mama, following me to the bathroom always, bumping your head on my hand for cuddles, always stealing food. Your bird and fish siblings will miss you too, tell mitu your bird sister hello for me tell her even after many years I still miss her your my baby always and forever my black cat. Your cat siblings annie, milo, selena have lost their brother but promise me to look out for them from up in the clouds, stars, sun, moon never stop looking after us either we will miss you meri jaan always and forever never ever forgotten. Hope you visit in my dreams and thoughts always. Thank you for all the smiles, laughs, meows, you cured so much in our household anxiety, depression, sadness you made it all happy who knew cats were a miracle and my black cat was our lucky clover. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to take care of you and giving you all the love and care and even after your gone ill still be your cat mom. O Allah, ease upon him his matters, and make light for him whatever comes hereafter, and honor him with your meeting and make that which he has gone to better than that which he came out from.
Oh hi grief, we meet again and this time I am not fine. I was hoping that was the last time we would meet but once again I find myself counting down the time
Like the silent second hand of a watch everything feels numb
I can’t believe I’m here again but this time I don’t feel as dumb
Optimism use to shine bright like the sun reflecting off the waves but now I will have to sit alone- can I even be that brave
How can I even push through this horrendous season when last time you were the one who led
I guess I’ll have to hold my own hand and remember everything you said
Trying to feel the feels and maintain life for a while will be tough
I don’t want to do life without you- like omg why is life so rough
In the worst times of life you were my support and now this hardest time of all is coming and I feel all out of sorts
We have talked about our dreams and plans and never thought we’d have to go at them alone but one day I’ll be here with no other voice on the phone
You taught me to stand on my own and always look ahead and I’m so thankful for that because I am where I am today because of all the things you said
You pushed me, challenged me and always had my back and when things got crazy you helped me get back on track
I guess I’ll pack your things away to keep them safe and tight
All the while with tears streaming wishing you were here still in the fight
Dear Uncle Eric,
I’ve talked to you a lot the past few years. Your picture hangs up above my electric junction box; my boyfriend and I split custody of your comic book collection.
Sometimes I flash back to those summers when I was kid when you’d walk up the street toward my grandmother’s house, sporting that toothy smile and that dingy Superman shirt.
Ironically, in some ways I feel closer to you now than when you were alive. If I had to choose, though, I’d have you back beside me in a second.
I want to start off by saying, I’m sorry. When you got sick, you tried to reach out. You tried to call. I kept avoiding those calls, and you probably died thinking I didn’t want to speak to you. Or maybe you knew, on some level, that I loved you with all my heart, that I’ve always thought of you as a father. I’ll never know either way, and it breaks my heart and part of me hates myself for not picking up the damn phone.
I don’t hate myself all the time for that–I want you to know that. Only sometimes, and not for very long. Regret is ultimately a waste of time.
I could bemoan the fleeting time we had together, regret never calling you Dad… or I could feel blessed. I do feel blessed. You gave me a whole world, Eric. You gave me comic books and superheroes, Peter Parker and Clark Kent. You gave me Smallville, you gave me X-Men, you gave me all those summers of adventures in Boston, seeing Spiderman in theaters together. You gave me thirty years of listening, empathizing, without any judgment whatsoever. I say this without a hint of doubt–other adults in my life clothed me, fed me, paid for a decent chunk of my college education… but you gave me more than those adults ever did.
For one thing, you didn’t beat me, or scream at me, or throw things at me, or blame me for the family being broken. You didn’t steal from me, call me a faggot when I came out, or tell me I was an evil person.
You saw me. You saw the real me. You saw the light in me, and you nurtured it. That light shines now, bright as the sun, because of YOU.
You taught me how to be a hero, just by being one yourself. You taught me how to be kind to others, even when the world is nothing but cruel. You taught me to show forgiveness where a lesser man might show retribution. Most of all you taught me that those who cause pain, are weak. Those who love and protect others, are the strongest of us, the very best of us.
For that, and so much more, you are, and always will be
Droyer, I am so sorry for your loss. I am certain that he knows how much you loved him. Sometimes when someone is sick, it’s just too much for our minds to handle and we pull away. I have done the same. Sending you hugs! <3 Lauren
It’s hard to think that just 5 years ago my mom ended her own life. Through years of battling addiction and struggling with mental health she could no longer take the pain of grasping another breath. It’s hard to look back with love when all I want to do is hate her. Pain, she caused me nothing but pain in her last years and those seem to be the most prominent memories in my mind. The joyful smile of a young girl with her loving mother is just a distant memory I’m never able to hold. Always screaming, when wasn’t she screaming, she fought demons in her mind and let them devour me with her. Abuse, fearing to see my next day, fearing death by the hands of my own mother. I still hear the echos of her voice telling me I was worthless to her something she wish she’d never had to look at, someone she’d never created. Red, shards of glass scattered across the floor, they were aimed for my head. She aimed them to hurt me. Remorse, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so so sorry, please forgive me. I didn’t mean it I promise I swear I could never hurt you. Lies, it was always a lie. Fear, pain, loss, hurt, yet so much empathy for the women who was hurt, the women who was once a little girl who was hurt so badly it changed her brain. A little girl who dreamed of growing up, a girl with aspirations and dreams, a girl who had a whole happy life ahead of her and saw no darkness in the world, a girl that was once just like me. How could I hate someone who I understand so deeply. Never will I agree with what the past holds but never will I hold the past against you. You were my mother, you were supposed to watch me grow and live a long life, but I understand the battle you faced in your mind everyday and I see how strong you were for holding on all those years.
I need you, I’m scared
The man who I thought was my father
Was only my Dad.
I knew too-right from wrong
But God is my Father,
And He is strong!
He’s not like my Dad though,
Yet, some similarities you know?
How is your Mom?
Is she still alive?
I wish to your place again
I could run and hide.
As kids and friends
Billy I was already perverted
Some scary stranger…
Wrecked my life.
And then he laughed about it
40 years later
How’s that a joke?
I don’t know.
But I’m better now,
I’m a child of the King!
And in 4 trillion more years…
I’ll still be!
Like prejudiced people used to say in school,
Calling some a wanna’ be
Except my wants changed.
I want to be a man of God,
I want to be good
I sure wish I could.
But I’m gonna try to learn how!
I miss you so bad
You were the first best friend I had.
My best friend now-since “1996”
Is the coolest!
His name is Mike
He’s from Cleveland
I’ve even prayed and cried over him.
I want him to go to heaven!
You better be there when I get home,
I want you to meet him.
I wish I had not
Brought you smoke.
I want to be buried under it.
You were like an exception
Dad would let me out.
He must had liked you too.
Sometimes I think
I haven’t changed much inside…
But I have! Hey,
I know you remember Scoot,
He told me what happened, at the bar
When he cried. Billy, I wish you never died!
Surreal Parallels: My Blindness. His Prison Sentence
I recently had the privilege of speaking with Jon Antonucci on my podcast, “Grit, Grace, & Inspiration.” At 19, Jon was involved in a tragic arson attack that dramatically altered the course of his life. As he shared his story, I couldn’t help but find surreal parallels with my own life-altering experience.
I was only 17 when a life-saving surgery to remove a brain tumor left me completely blind. This was completely unexpected. Waking up to a world of darkness was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. There was no possible way this could be my new reality. I held onto a thread of hope that it was all just temporary, that something would restore my sight. But as days turned into years, that hope faded, and I had to face the truth of my new reality, I was now blind.
Jon described being sentenced to 14 years in prison in much the same way. He recounted the surreal feeling as he was handed his sentence, and like me, he clung to the hope that his nightmare would be overturned—that he would wake up from this bad dream. But the years passed, and reality set in. Jon would serve the next 12 years behind bars, followed by two years on supervised release.
What strikes me the most about our conversation is not just the gravity of our trials, but the surreal acceptance we both had to come to terms with. There was no miraculous intervention, no sudden awakening from a bad dream. Instead, there was a slow, often painful acceptance and adaptation to our new realities.
Both Jon and I have found ways to see our adversities as formative, even integral, parts of our identities. For Jon, his years in prison became a time of intense personal growth and reflection. For me, blindness was not the end but a new beginning, shaping me into the person I am today.
This is the beauty of the conversations I get to have through my podcast. Despite the vastly different paths we all walk, there’s a thread of commonality that connects us. Each of us faces our own “unthinkable” at some point, and yet, it’s through these challenges that we often find our deepest growth and purpose.
It’s only when we take the time to understand one another that we come to realize that we’re not so different after all. We are all just trying to navigate the complex journey of life, finding purpose in the paths we least expected to walk.
Everyone has that friend. The one you who walks into your house without knocking or calling first. The one who invites herself over for dinner. The one who answers every text within seconds because she understands your anxiety. The one who sends you birthday cards in the mail even though they see you every day in person but they know it will be more special that way. I remember the last time I saw you. I remember driving in your car and stopping at the store, I remember you sneaking me a cigarette even though I wasn’t supposed to be smoking. I remember sitting outside your apartment laughing and planning what to do to celebrate both of our birthdays because they fell so close together. I remember your birthday. You should be 36 now. Instead you’re forever 33. No one ever tells you that losing a friend forever is one of the hardest things you’ll have to go through in life. Losing the person you tell every detail about your day to is like losing your dominant hand. it’s kind of hard to do everything without it. It’s kind of hard to do everything we used to do now, without you. No one ever tells you how hard it is to lose that friend because no one is supposed to lose that friend.
Aww I am so sorry for your loss. You are lucky to experience that kind of love and friendship and I am sure you carry that love with you every single day. <3 Lauren
I am a 36 year old woman and wife to my 39 year old husband. My husband was diagnosed with primary progressive MS in 2013 the year we met and also got married (when you know you know!) At first the only visible sign from the outside looking at him was his gait and poor balance, he always appeared to be drunk when you watched him walk. From his perspective, he could no longer see out of his right eye, which became permanent, he was retaining urine which was not safe, he was having a hard time doing his job which involved using his hands and fine tools due to neuropathy like symptoms. Now he uses a cane and a walker and takes medication for spasms in his legs. Now he has also bein diagnosed with major neurocognitive disorder which is a basic open term for dementia. I am his caregiver with the help of a home health aid 12 hours a week. Neither of us expected to be in this position when we met in January of 2013 and married that September. It progressed rather fast and more than likely won’t stop. My husband has a great attitude though which is amazing for him, and so hard for me sometimes, I’ll admit. Sometimes I want to talk about everything and cry, but he already pushed it out and doesn’t think about it like I do somehow. He’s teaching me in his own way how to be more optimistic and less stressed over things you can’t control. I have my own illnesses, mental illnesses, that flare so to speak when I am stressed and it’s helpful to be with such a strong person. Sometimes I don’t know if I have it in me to be a wife and a caregiver to the same person at such a young age; then I think about how we’re helping each other out in different ways I just forget to see it that way, the way it is.
Sherry,
I just wanted you to know your letter about your husband has encouraged me to always look on the bright side of things, and except people for who they are (including conditions). You do have it in you to continue taking care of him, and your honest transparency letter proves just that. Thanks for being a good friend.
Your husband sounds like an amazing human! And you sound pretty amazing and loving and wonderful yourself. May each day bring you both as much joy as humanly possible. Sending a hug your way. <3 Lauren
To my dearest family friends and fellow readers. This new energy that came through after the solar eclipse is amazing. I had a complete change in my thought and perspectives in life. The lord lifted the veil off my eyes and started showing me all the demonic and nasty energies that were affecting my life. I immediately removed myself from a home that I thought love me in Coldwater, Michigan and ended up growing. The people there had a nasty plot including my husband in which the marriage was paid and fake the whole time, to keep me there steal my energy and then put me in a grave. I should have been dead by all the witchcraft, car accident, and poising that happened. Why am i writing and telling you all this? The moral of the story is that you need to know who you are. As Children of God. This is the year where what happened in the dark will be brought to the light. Freedom for all of us that feel held down or like we couldn’t speak. God has a message for all of us worldwide, we were meant to shine. They don’t want us to get up go out and share our talents with the world. So, I write today get up, go out, show the world both your outer and inner beauty. If we share love like the Beetles said all u need is love accept I’m speaking in a Godly way the darkness will flee. All you need to defeat this darkness is simply prayer and praise. Listen to music dance, write a poem or a story. A new generation starts now we are the light in the world. We are the city on a hill, we will not be shaken. My fellow friends I encourage u to share happiness and healthiness in the world one person at a time. Start a story, start a blog, do discipleship. I’m your biggest cheerleader besides God of coarse. Grab your torch light up the world and win the race. Share joy peace love and happiness with every person you encounter. A smile is the best medicine I’m routing for ya. You Got this world. Get up, Get Dressed, Get to having your success.
I hope you weren’t up late that night waiting for me.
I knew the hour wasn’t great to call.
I had priorities in life-
I felt my back against the wall.
Also seemed there wasn’t much I could discuss with you or say.
And then the moment changed my life.
When I got word that you had passed away.
I actually felt my world stop spinning .
I stepped back taking look at myself.
Knowing precisely at that moment –
How Lonely that you must have felt.
And every day that passes now
You are in my thoughts more so.
A better person I strive to be
Because that’s the only way that I can grow.
I want to say I am so sorry
I wasn’t there when my time you did need.
This Letter goes out to Someone…
Remember to Cherish the people you Love
Without selfishness & greed.
Today I have decided to tell my story. I suffer from bipolar. I was diagnosed with the mental disorder over 20 years ago. I have been through alot. It has been a real problem most of my life.
It was triggered after I had my second child. It was a nightmare 😔. I ended up being hospitalized several times over the course of twenty years. I will do my best to explain the horror of it all. I remember having one episode after another. Each episode was very exhausting and dramatic. I would block out a lot of the different personalities and triggers of emotional dynamics. It was so 😫 tiring.
I will try to explain one of my episodes to give you an idea of it all. Well, it all begins with not taking my medication. It slowly turns into a horror movie. I hear voices and act out several different personalities in my mind. I begin to have spells of crying dramatically having thoughts of despair. I was on edge and going down a bottomless pit of not wanting to be here anymore 😪. Yet, in most circumstances I didn’t want to kill myself because an angelic voice told me, ” no” don’t do it! I say, “okay” most times. Smh.
In these drastic times I have family who did help me like my mother. And that was important and fortunate because at these times it is good to have positive support systems in your life.
In most cases my family would call 911 and have a rescue squad come get me. In this case, I can’t stop crying. I wanted to leave! I wanted to go away! My family would say that I was going to the hospital. My main support is my mother. She was always there for me.
Once the ambulance 🚑 arrived I felt like I was in a horrible movie. This has happened to me several times over the years. Yet on this particular case the ENT would come in from the ambulance slowly one my one. They see I’m distraught and incoherent. I don’t know who I was at this point. I’m yelling for no reason and crying for no reason. I can’t understand what is going on. The police also came in…and it got worse. They felt like I would hurt myself or others and so one officer threatened to taze me. I said please don’t..please give me some water to drink. They did.
They slowly calmed me down and then my casemanager came in to also help out.
They asked her several questions to understand why I was like this. She told them that I was bipolar. I am so sick at this point. I have felt supernatural powers around me. I would say, ” I see angels”. They weren’t really visible but a feeling of goodness and calming voices.
So this contributes and adds to my psychotic behavior 🤔. That is what I felt.
I want to tell you the experience of being INSIDE THE AMBULANCE 🚑. Once I get inside the ambulance I felt like i was being ported to an experimental place. I was scared!!!!!This particular personality in me was very informative. I was talking a great deal like I was literally someone else.
One ENT said that he had never seen anything like this before. I finally got to the emergency room. Once there I begin, to yell and bring attention to myself. The police 🚔 officers were staring at me. A guard was placed at the entrance of my room door. I was being watched for over 24 hours. After a while a psychiatric doctor told me I would be admitted to a room in the hospital.
Now, I was on the floor of the psychiatric unit. Once I was in my own room I was in a bed. In some cases I was given medication to help relax me and I would sleep for hours.
So this was a particular bipolar experience. The next day, after being monitored I had to learn and come to appreciate little things again. Showering 🚿, brushing my teeth, wearing a hospital gown, and being served my breakfast lunch and dinner. This was a safe place.
Once I stayed a couple of weeks I was let go. I had a team of supporters around to help me. I had a case worker, a psychiatrist, and medical doctor coming in to see me. I felt much better. This was going to begin to be a part of my life for over 20 years. It is hard. But I will say I’m currently doing ok. So remember you are not alone. Be positive. Find good supporters in your circumstances. I hope this helps someone. Thank you for hearing my story. I am beating bipolar.
Have you ever felt trapped by a secret, burdened by its weight and wondering if sharing it could bring you relief or further pain? This is a silence many, unfortunately, know all too well.
Today, I want to share with you the story of Lauren Brill, a woman whose journey from the depths of traumatic silence to the heights of empowerment and entrepreneurship is nothing less than inspirational.
The Silence That Echoes
In the aftermath of the night that would forever change Lauren’s story, she found herself in a place of silence—a silence shared by many who have experienced sexual assault. This silence is not just the absence of words but a stifling barrier to healing and understanding.
For years, Lauren carried the heavy burden of her experience, shielded from the world, concerned about the impact its revelation would have on her loving parents.
From Secret to Superpower
Yet, in a pivotal moment of bravery, Lauren chose to share her story in an open letter to other sexual assault survivors. What happened next, Lauren could have never imagined.
Her letter went viral! The professional athletes she had known as a sports reporter had her back. One person shared her letter, and that set off a chain reaction.
And then something remarkable happened. Her secret, which once felt like a chain holding her back, finally shattered, setting her free! Lauren transformed her secret into her superpower!
By breaking her silence, Lauren not only freed herself but also ignited a spark to challenge societal norms and advocate for others.
With Transformation Comes Change
As Lauren herself began to evolve, so did her outer world. What was, is no more. What once fit like a glove now feels too tight, too restrictive. Once a dream job in sports broadcasting no longer aligned with the woman she had become.
Have you ever felt that a path you were on just didn’t fit who you were anymore? Did you stay on track, or did you make a change?
Lauren made a monumental decision — to leave her once dream job and pursue a new dream.
She founded ‘The Unsealed’, a platform that allows people to share their own stories of hurt and loss, wins and victories, challenges and opportunities. Ultimately, Lauren Brill chose authenticity over security.
Building a Community of Courage & Trust
‘The Unsealed’ is more than a platform; it’s a community built on the power of vulnerability, trust, and courage. Here, individuals are encouraged to write open letters about their life experiences, each carrying a positive message of hope to the reader.
This act of sharing is not just therapeutic—it’s transformative. It builds a bridge between isolation and community, fostering an environment where resilience flourishes through collective support.
Your Role in This Story
As you absorb the impact of Lauren’s story on your own life, consider how your own stories of silence could be unleashed to create a global movement. I encourage you to ask yourself those big questions…
How could I use my own life-changing experiences to empower both myself and others? Whether it’s a conversation you need to have, a letter you need to write, or support you wish to offer, remember: your voice has power. Your story matters.
Lauren’s transformation from a survivor of silence to a beacon of hope is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It’s a reminder that even in our darkest moments, there is hope to be found. Just understand, sometimes, we must travel down the road a ways before we are able to truly understand how the events of yesterday have impacted our lives today.
So, the final question to be asked… What silence will you break? What new path will you forge? Let’s take inspiration from Lauren and move towards a future where our voices are heard, our stories are shared, and our spirits are unbreakable!
Don’t Miss Lauren’s Full Story… Able to be heard inside of Episode #282 of the podcast – Grit, Grace, & Inspiration.
Remember, you are amazing, incredible, and simply perfect, just as you are! Never let anyone or anything make you believe any different. Let your truth be heard and your light shine!
8 years ago today I defended my Master’s Thesis at the University of Kentucky, titled:
Healthy Reintegration: The Effectiveness of Military Teen Adventure Camp Participation of Adolescent Perceptions of Self-efficacy
I remember the day vividly, I was a nervous wreck, standing in front of a room full of people with my insecurities—believing that somehow everyone witnessing was somehow smarter or better than me.
If I could speak to that version of me at 25, I would tell her that you are enough today and you will only continue to get better. You will go on to complete a PhD at a R1 institution (Florida State University) defending one on many Goliath’s in your life (dissertation) during the onset of covid—against all odds. Ignore the disempowerment and doubt including, the words from your thesis advisor, “If you keep writing like this, Florida State will never accept you into their PhD program”. (Academia really has a unique way of shattering any bit of confidence you have).
I would tell her that being from the south or from a perceived “less than” background won’t hold you back—it is your perceived lack that will fuel your drive to finish whatever you start. It will fuel you to put yourself out there. It will fuel you to leave your comfort zone. It will fuel you to never quit. It will empower your relationship and reliance on God. So run your race boldly and well — you lack nothing and God is always with you (Deut. 31:8)
I am the girl that can come off a bit clingy
Often scaring those who cross my path.
My thoughts may seem a bit stringy
Coming off to one like a bloodbath.
I will shoot for the stars
Providing those I love with my support.
Depending who looks you can see the scars
This makes some want to abort.
Giving my all with folks that let her through
As they becoming a part of the life.
There are pieces only few knew
I will occasionally show it all within a rife.
No one can tell me who I am
I do not follow a diagram.
I absolutely relate to being the “clingy” friend. I wish I had your wisdom when I was your age. I loved it hearing for the first time tonight and I love it again reading and processing it in my own time.
The knight elevates the princess
tightening his grasp midair
while they are lost in the brown waves.
Shifting the thread of hair behind
to gain a surpass of what the wave has inside—
the knight elevates the princess.
Giddying as the knight’s veins come through
the heat in the room leaves them breathless:
while they are lost in the brown waves.
The beats sync
taking the space away
the knight elevates the princess.
The grin grows uncontrollably
the palms leaving a trace:
while they are lost in the brown waves.
Continuing to go steady
as they snuggle close.
The knight elevates the princess
while they are lost in the brown waves.
I wake up like I never went to bed.
Sleep is upon my open eyes,
yet they are glazed and scarlet red.
I don’t remember what happened yesterday,
nor do I have a semblance of what the day holds.
I schedule my life out to stop the mind decay.
I sip my coffee until I realize for two hours it’s been cold.
I glance around myself,
“When did I put that picture on my wall?”
“Did I put it together or buy that bookshelf?”
Sometimes I wonder if there’s someone I could call?
But for everyone living their lives,
going to school, work, home, sleep-
It really wouldn’t make sense to hear my cries.
I can’t remember how my mind got so deep.
How I can’t recollect moving into this apartment.
I know I pay for bills, electric and such,
I have a garage that has my car now with a dent,
I mean I remember that much.
I used to go to college,
I had a friend, I think.
But school never taught me a good message.
I always felt blue and everyone was pink,
like I had a mask.
I was so perfect, smart and happy,
but at home, there was always a panic attack waiting for me,
a part no one could, nor would ever see.
Somehow I stopped driving to college.
I had several jobs and goals,
yet I couldn’t find my true meaning or message.
Outside I seemed successful with my methods and morals,
but it seems there’s a part of my soul left behind,
somewhere along moving out and now,
I lost my mind.
Either that or the matrix has me now under its hold.
Somedays I feel the grass under my feet,
and other times
I can’t even look at myself without wanting to retreat.
Cause somewhere along the lines,
I lost me,
and I don’t think I can get her back.
Somewhere on the other side of the root and the tree,
ss the life of that little girl I now lack.
God, I just want to wake up sometimes
without shocking myself with my own touch.
To not wonder If I committed any crimes,
cause my hands are calloused and rough,
From something I can’t even remember,
or can even give a second thought.
When I go to sleep at night
It’s with dread and regret,
that I have no idea what happened in this fight.
But what can you do as you watch the sun set,
It’s the matrix.
Maybe one day,
someone will come and it will all be,
fixed.
Frankie, you have so much purpose and so many gifts. Just one day at a time, try new things, and pay close attention to what makes you feel good. Keep pushing. Sending you a hug <3 Lauren
Hey wassup it’s ya girl
What am I a radio personality?
Hi. I’m LaShae.
Wait. Yeah that
That feels comfortable.
Hi. I’m LaShae.
La like the note
Shae like the butter.
And I’m
. . .
Blank
God says,
I am that I am
But if I said it
Would it be blasphemous?
Even if I am?
Because I am that I am
And
I am Joy.
I am Smile.
Brittany said it was creepy
That I smiled so much
But Brittany didn’t know
I hurt the same ways she did.
She didn’t know my smile
Was as much a resistance
As it was for her to get out of bed some mornings
She didn’t know
I kept my smile because
Tracy loved my smile.
Tracy loved my smile!
She said it was the most genuine smile she’s ever seen
Which is the best compliment
Because her smile
Was the most genuine I’ve ever seen.
I am peace
Except when I am hungry
And I am always hungry
Beware of Junior’s warning
You better feed that gal;
I am gal.
As sister says,
When hungry,
I am Hulk;
I am pitbull.
Ya girl just likes to eat
But when I am fed,
I promise
I will be peace
Like Mable taught me to be
Peace:
Not the absence of violence,
But the presence of Justice.
So if no Justice
No peace.
I am starving
Pitbull for peace
Ready to Hulk smash oppression
See, Mable
Mable was a child
When Newark went up in flames
See
You don’t watch your home go ablaze
And end up staying the same
No
You arm yourself
Yes, with the whole armor of God
Like your mother taught you
But also
With a thicker skin
That none of this heat can penetrate
And with a weapon
She chose a pen
Much mightier than a sword
Her ink writing for peace
Not the absence of violence
But the presence of Justice
Her ink filled with the blood spilled in her streets
And then she would come to teach
All the little children, and yes, even me
That the power is in connections
That is what Mable taught to me.
Barbara taught me to hold my own.
Pete told me Fret Not
But Pray if you feel alone
Latierra and Ricky
Both taught me to wonder
And Serena taught me
That dancing is greater than pain
Ali taught me God will find you
Even if you’re in the dark.
I never met Maurice,
But his love is always in my heart.
Ulysses taught me always learn first
And Davey taught me to dress my best
Even when they do their worst
Ron & Vette taught me to be loud
Lisa and Al taught me love knows no bounds
Dog taught me to keep my friends close
Mo taught me that royalty
Can come from a crack that bloomed a rose
And Holis, God rest his soul,
May not be blood
But taught me what a man ought to be
I know you asked about me
But I am an unfinished story
The moral of my life
Isn’t complete
But I am that I am
And I am pieces of
Every person I ever lost
A puzzle
Amassing to one lone thought:
Love.
Once again//I lay awake,
Light passes through dark stained glass skin,
A mirror, a chisel, a key,
The door behind swings open,
And why should I not have that which I desire?
I trace her steps.
//
My amethyst heart pounds violently as I maneuver through corridors of crystal,
Glassy tears break into marble pieces/my feet don’t bleed from shards,
I stare down at the marble Staircase in the Glass Castle,
Statuesque like meter in the frame,
And it was beautiful.
//
Never more/I fall asleep
The ugly lustre of my body devours the room,
A reflection, a thought, an emotion,
I close the door behind by me,
I know not what I desire when my body desires my mind,
I return to the room.
At my worst, it’s felt like I’ve been swimming through my molasses. The storm has passed, yet fog remained. Echoes blurred the vision of an aimless vagabond.
You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are perfect the way you are. I struggled with eating issues in my teens. It was connected to anxiety, but I became so conscious of my weight. There was a quote by a blogger that hit me hard and it said, “Nothing looks as good as healthy feels.” Feeling healthy and strong will heal your mind and will help you…read more
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