There is time you spent looking
somewhere in the course
of the day
or days
or weeks and months
maybe even years

for that certainty of presence.

This is where you are no longer any sort
of impostor
of fearful
of lacking
of emotional
or dramatic

when the only thing there is, is that you, yourself, are.

those noises in your head are you
however not you

the illumination from introspection is many thousands of years old
from the masters it is possible to experience
the presence of who you are being
there is a grayness before the shining bright white
the smell of this work is the odor of freshly cut grass
and the sense of it, is that what you are looking for, is no longer missing.

That what was missing was always there, even so.

Poem copyrighted 01/2023, Ray Whitaker
Photo Copyrighted, 01/2023, Ray Whitaker. “Snowstorm over The Garden Of The Gods”

Dear Rashan,

I know that this letter is a cry for help and a plea for answers. Since seeking help through therapy these are the questions I have for you and hope when this reach you that they can be answered. I just want to know if I’m still here, if I’m still alive, and if I’m still fighting the same battles. I want to know if I’m still trying to find my place in the world, if I’m still trying to make my mark, if I’m still trying to make a difference.

I want to know if I’ve made it, if I’m still here, if I’m still alive. I want to know if I’m still struggling, if I’m still trying, if I’m still learning. I want to know if I’m still searching for my purpose, if I’m still trying to make sense of this world, if I’m still trying to make something of myself.

Most importantly, I want to know if I’m happy. I want to know if I’ve found my peace, if I’ve found my joy, if I’ve found my contentment. I want to know if I’m living life to the fullest, if I’m living life with purpose, if I’m living life with no regrets.

No matter what, I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that I’m proud of you. I want you to know that I believe in you. I want you to know that I’m here for you. I want you to know that I’m cheering for you.

We may not have the answers now, but I hope that by the time you read this, you have found the answers you have been searching for. I hope that you have found your place in the world, that you have made your mark, that you have made a difference. I hope that you have found your peace, your joy, your contentment. I hope that you are living life to the fullest, with purpose and without regrets.

So you know therapy has been going great, getting to be in touch with my thoughts and how to express them. There are rough days when I feel the disconnect between my emotions in regard to others, but it’s a start. So I hope we worked on it more and discipline ourselves on that aspect of ourselves It’s something much needed to help deliver the self love and growth we always talked about. The search for these questions have somewhat improved since implementing therapy to our lives.

I’m sure that a lot has changed since I wrote this letter. I’m curious to know if you have children now or if you are still a nomad, drifting off into the abyss. I’m also curious to know if the development of your own soul has changed since you looked in the mirror. I’m sure that you have grown and changed in many ways since then.

I’m so excited to hear all about your successes and failures, and to learn more about how you have grown and changed since I wrote this letter.

Sincerely with Love,