Imagine this…You are a newly married couple and are told “You can’t have children. Everything we have tried has failed. There is one more option.” The young couple chooses the last option and it is adoption. They foster to adopt several children before being told in December of 1997, “There is a 4 day old baby that needs you.” They foster this baby and then, about a year later, are told “Hey, that baby has 2 older sisters you are bringing home too.”
Now imagine this. you are a 2 year old child who has endured more than a 2 year old should and you don’t trust anyone or anything.
That was me. It took me a very long time to earn my foster mom’s trust because of the physical and mental abuse and neglect I sustained before being removed from the home. I am so glad I earned my foster mom’s trust because she and her husband went on to become our adoptive parents and this past September, we celebrated 25 years of our adoption. Two of us kids have families of our own and me…well, let’s just say I am taking my time and spending as much time as I can with my parents. Just remember, trust is hard to earn, easy to lose, and easy to love.

Picture this. An 18 year old, high school senior being tasked to come up with a senior quote before they graduate. Seems pretty easy, right? Well, imagine you are an 18 year old senior in high school whose mind never stops creating stories, poems, and letters. My senior quote literally popped into my head on the way to school one morning. And I live by it every single day.

“Live Your Dreams and Never Give Up.”

You are stronger and wiser than you know
Your thoughts are stalking you
do not queue any hue that’s not meant for you
People’s opinions of you are their own.
You are stronger than you were yesterday.
continue to forgive yourself for not being able to control the horrific actions of others.
Self-love is necessary for your healing.
It is putting you back together whole and true.
forgive any past actions by acknowledging how they have not served you well.
You will continue to trust the process and your progress.
You will not let the fear of being taken advantage of scare you to stillness.
You will stand up for yourself and tell the truth.
You will do it with dignity and respect.
You will be vulnerable even when it makes you uncomfortable.

What did you want to be when you grew up? A doctor? An astronaut? Maybe a police officer? When I was little, I always said I wanted to be a “typer girl” or a pediatric nurse. But, as I grew older, I realized that I really just wanted to be myself. I was always bullied and gossiped about in school whenever I stuttered during prayer before lunch or when my best friend and I had a secret handshake or when I said I love the Titanic (1997) film. From the music I love to sing to the company I keep, someone always had something to say about it. But, after so long, I learned to ignore those who didn’t like the real me and just focused on those who loved me for me. My advice to is: JUST BE YOU! I always introduce myself as a proudly weird person because I would rather just be myself than someone I’m not. So just remember, always be yourself and don’t ever let anyone tell you any different!

Dear Pappy,
It has been 10.5 years since you left us for greener pastures and those golden, pearly gates were taught as children. You only knew me for about 6 years of the 15 years you knew your oldest child had adopted three little girls. By the time I knew your name, you had forgotten mine. Oh, how we miss you. We miss your laughs, your candy jar in your milk house, your coffee cups sitting in your truck and how you loved to play with the youngest children. I miss your stories back when you were younger. I miss you scaring us kids with your false teeth and I miss hearing you say “Now, I love you guys but, I don’t want you fighting.” I miss your kisses on my cheek every time I left your house and mostly, I just miss you. I hope you are taking care of your border collies up there and I hope you are proud of your kids, grandkids, great grandkids and the unborn great-great grandkids that are bound to come into our lives at some point. I wish I could have told you goodbye on your last night but, I know you are no longer in pain and you now know all of us, even those you never got to meet.
-Shay

Dearest readers,
Mozart once said “The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between.” And in the world we live in today, music is everywhere! It’s in the trees, when the birds sing, when the wind blows and even in big cities like NYC! I feel most at peace when I can hear music in my everyday life. I love trying to figure out the melodies in nature and I love trying to hear every day songs in those melodies also. Music has always been a huge part of my life and I hope it never goes away!!

Fendi and Gucci are idolized
remaining sane is ostracized
when you stand up against the man, you will be demoralized
my pain runs deep like it’s crystallized
I can’t even front I became hypnotized
I can’t run forever, shit, I’ve already been traumatized
I’m in therapy, like bankruptcy to reorganize
my life changed when I prioritized the beautiful sunrise
it is in this time I came to analyze, and visualize my next sacrifice
I plan to live forever in this paradise

Dear little one,

I know it’s been hard for you. All this time has passed, and you do not know what has happened. I smile, caressing your soft cheek and wiping the tears from your lonely eyes. Let me tell you what happened and what we should have done in certain cases. Most of the time, Ma was right, and we needed to listen to her. Oh, but that stubborn little head of ours, we think we know what’s best. We don’t. I pick you up and place you on my lap, and then I already know the first question you will ask. “What happened to our eye?” I sigh and pat your head. It was our own self-loathing and self-sabotage ways. We were supposed to keep track of it, to always put our drops on. “Put your drops on,” Ma always says, and when I moved out with Mama, I stopped doing it.

I know what you’re going to say, “Why?” and frankly, I cannot for the life of me figure out what happened. I’m scared of not being able to see, not being able to draw or write anymore, and then I do this? We could have had our eyes fine until we were old, but no, my self-sabotaging ways had to get in the way. I started fine, driving everywhere, and going to work, and then gradually the darkness overwhelmed me. Then I went blind in my left eye. They would have left it in if it wasn’t for the glaucoma making it throb and hurt because, you know, insult to injury. A surgery to stop the pain only for it to get worse to the point they just decided to take my eye. As I sit here and look at you, I realize that it hasn’t even been 6 months since the surgery. How am I dealing with it? I place that fake smile that we are known for and just carry on. I got a prosthetic, and people can’t even tell it’s fake. Of course, we feel sad, and I know I need to go to therapy and trust me, it is well needed. I didn’t get married around my 20s like we thought (but who am I kidding in this dating pool? Right?) no kids and a good thing too, found out with all that sleepiness back growing up that it was narcolepsy. Whatever happens, just know we are working towards our dreams and we are never giving up.

We lost a lot of friends along the way, but the ones that stayed are the real ones, the ones we cherish the most. My heart aches for the loneliness and depression you’ll go through, but that only made us tougher and more aware of the world.

Don’t you worry, little one, it’s not all bad. We’ve met wonderful people too. One in particular is a wonderful soul. We connect on another level, even if the age gap is big. She makes us laugh, and sometimes cry with the emotional things they say. She gave us confidence about our art, ourselves, and everything we do. She will live on in my heart. We’ve met friends, and even though we were scared to, we found some love in others even if the time was short. Time is fleeting, and I know you’re worried we will not live past the age of 30 or that we will never have kids or fall in love. But I’m here to say to you that it’s not always going to be as it’s planned. Learned about myself, to say the least. My dreams and ambitions are more important than silly things to worry about like husbands and kids. Our love grows, and being an artist has taught me I could leave my mark in this world with beautiful art or even with the stories I love to work on. Don’t sell yourself short, little one, our art is unique in its ways, and there may be times when we think it’s worth nothing, but I’m here to tell you to think like that because I have become a part of my work, and I believe it is beautiful, just like me. I place you down from my lap and watch that frown turn into an unsure smile, but I know you got this as I watch you run into the world known as our future.