You’re in excruciating pain, scared and confused. That’s due to the multiple skull fractures. You will always be reminded of what happened because of the lifetime of pain you will endure, but you heal. Better than anyone could ever have imagined. Despite the amnesia, God will allow you to keep the memories you have made with your children. For this, you are grateful. Unfortunately, memories of that night are also something that stays with you, but you see it as a starting point from how far you’ve come. This is also something to be grateful for.

After he fractures your jaw, he uses pliers in an attempt to remove several of your teeth. He wanted a souvenir. God is with you when this happens, therefore he ends up with nothing. The dentist is the only one who collects a tooth several months later. It’s necessary for the healing process. In time, you will find yourself able to enjoy dinner with your children again.

You regain your hearing even though he ruptures both of your eardrums. God will allow you to hear your Autistic son speak his first words eventually. That’s when you’ll realize your life will be filled with miracles that have nothing to do with that night. This is when you stop counting your blessings and accept them in abundance.

It will take over a year for you to ovulate the way a woman should. That’s okay. Eventually the pain you experience due to the trauma inflicted to your uterus lessens. You’ll only be reminded of it when menstruating. At times, you’ll think about the little girl that you always wanted but push those thoughts aside when you remember how lucky you are to have two sons already.

It was rape. There is nothing that you could have done differently to change the events that unfolded that night. Be kinder to yourself. It will take years, but the nightmares will subside. You will no longer find yourself drenched in tears, awoken by your own screams. God will allow you to dream again.

You survive. Your mind, body and soul will be forever altered, but that’s okay. You will struggle with relearning everything you have forgotten, because of this, you will evolve into a different person. A better person. One who displays strength and compassion in all that she does. You will piece yourself back together and the broken in you will be your beauty.

God will allow you to heal. He will assure you that this happens through the love and bond you have with your children. They will repair you mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Remember to thank God for this in your prayers daily and thank your children by reciprocating the love they use to save you with. Love is all they have to give you; that’s all you will ever need to make it through another day.

I don’t know why she’s in my arms now.
She’s just as rigid as she ever was.
Not even blood pools out her private body,
She thought she’d save it for her wedding day.
The rocking chair creaks like a mourning dove,
The mourning doves are gone.

I wanted to write you before she was gone,
But the shotgun smokes black, but I’ve done it now,
but I’ve done it raw. Above, a mourning dove
Groans like a dying girl on her wedding day.
The bullet hole is just as gaudy as it ever was.
The rocking chair thrusts in and out like a body.

Do we ever get the nerve to look at our own body?
If the mourning doves are gone,
Should we mourn for ourselves? Will our day
Of reckoning smoke black like a gun? Now,
she’s in the garden, just as soft as she ever was.
Now, the lillies are screaming like a mourning dove.

Will Jesus, Son of God, mourn us like a dove?
If a fallen angel comes, will they touch our dirty body?
Is it just as raw as it ever was?
The morning doves are gone,
I wonder where they’ll fly now;
There’ll be no blood for them, or a wedding day.

I never loved the girl that we buried. The black day
sinks into my lap like our gun. A mourning dove
Murmurs our name to Jesus. We’ve done it now,
Will we do it again? There’s no such thing as a private body
anymore. I rock in the rocking chair. I’ve gone
back and forth like I never was

Rigid. I’ve gone back and forth like I never was
Soft. When you read this, will you remember this day
Like a wound or a moan? Have you ever gone
Back to her body? Do you have the nerve to look at a dove?
Did the Lily’s in the garden grow from her body?
I hope you’re chuckling in the rocking chair now.

She’s just as rigid as she ever was.
The rocking chair creaks like a mourning dove

We could have bled on our wedding day,
But of what use is a private body?

The mourning doves are gone
My shotgun’s hot, I’ve done it now.

Dear Future Hannah,

I hope you are living the reality that I have worked so hard to gain for you.

I have been doing the hard work of healing, so that you can know what it’s like to be healed.

I am making meaningful connections with others so that you can enjoy community in the good times, and lean on them in the bad.

I am a student in the school of forgiveness so that you can be free from the chains that have bound me.

I am discovering who I am so that you will be confident in who you are.

I am nurturing my relationship with Jesus so one day we will see His sweet face.

I am asking myself the hard questions so that you can stand confidently in the truth.

I am finding my voice so that your voice can be a continuous roar.

I am learning to take care of my own needs so that you can be the healthiest version of us that you can be.

I’m acknowledging our inner child and learning to honor her and what she thought she had to do to keep us safe.

I’m learning how to let go of mindsets and beliefs that no longer serve me so you can live an abundant life.

I am planting the seed so you will bloom and bear fruit.

I am coming to love myself so that you can love yourself.

I am mourning what I have lost while simultaneously finding joy in what we still have.

I am honoring the past while at the same time looking forward to the future.

I am being pruned by the Master Gardener so that we can grow.

I am hurting and healing,

Bending and breaking,

Loving and aching,

Laughing and Crying,

Remaining and Transforming,

Listening and Observing,

Coming and Going,

Maturing and Growing.

Lest you think your life will be perpetual bliss, I want to warn you that you’ll have your own share of trials and tribulations to face.

See this thing called life is a wild ride with many twists and turns, and ups and downs.

It is both messy and beautiful.

Try to live in the moment.

And when times are tough I hope you fight for the future version of you just as hard as I’ve fought to make this possibility a reality, to get you to where you are.

I hope your love will be something fierce

That you will realize that you make this world a better, brighter place.

That you will continue to try and mend hearts that you did not break.

That you will understand that deep grief and incredible grace can coexist.

That you would not dwell on all the work you still need to do, but that you would remember all that you have already overcome

And sweet girl if there is anything that I wish for you and your heart and your future it’s this:

That you would trust God with them.

And that you would feel comfortable to be authentically and unapologetically you

That you would celebrate how fearfully and wonderfully 1 you are made.

Good luck. Know that I will always be rooting for you.

With love,

Feet grounded to the shore as ocean bubbles wash over your toes
The tide pulls away and the sand beneath you sinks
Gold flickers of sunset warm your shoulders
Your gaze follows the endless sea of blue
Who is on the other side of that sea?
What waves must you endure to meet them?
Or is the someone on the other side of the sea
Who you will become along the way

Adventurous thinking can inspire you to chart a course
But imagine if a message in a bottle floated to your feet
Embellished with your name and a plan
And the words read:

Hello old friend,

I’m happy to know you are thinking of me. This affirms that you are still on your journey to me! I know that life has been a constant flux of certainty and uncertainty, but I want you to understand that this is because you are consistently pushing yourself towards growth. I remember the struggles that you are going through right now clear as day, I still carry them with me. Not because they are heavy, but because they are meaningful. They hold weight in your existence and give you a sense of momentum. I know you see the destination; you make sense of the mess and connect moments to give purpose. This is one of the greatest skills you can develop: to work with the flow of life and give it meaning. Your continual cultivation of working with that flow, meaning making, and growing is why I am writing to you now.

You’ll be delighted to know that life here is beyond anything we ever imagined together. There are more adventures, connections, and peaceful moments than we believed possible. As much as I want to detail every little bit of joy, I don’t want you to get distracted by the wrong things. I can assure you in the clichest of ways that everything will work out. This is exactly why I am so excited for your arrival, but also in no rush to see you. I’m exercising patience as you continue your journey because I have accepted that there are many endeavors you must undertake before we meet. I can wait confidently knowing that each of these undertakings brings you one step closer on your journey to me.

During your journey, take breaks when you need them, but please remember I am anticipating our union. I expect you to keep a steady and focused pace because we still have a lot to do, and I can’t get started until you arrive. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts, and I can’t tell you what to do next, however the list of items you will need for your journey are as follows:

a strong mind
a creative essence
a loving heart
a persevering soul
a sense of humor
a load of gratitude
and a purpose

Wishing you the safest of travels

Love,
Future You

Emboldened by an inspiring familiar
Guided by a gentle proposal
Will you take that journey to the other side of the sea?
To the other side of yourself?

Dear future self,
I actually finished this poem. May this pave the way to bring more completion to our path. Our story has been a series of starts, stops, twists, turns and falls, but now, the math is starting to math.
I imagine you’ve come a long way from feeling stagnant. I hope that feeling stuck is just your sign to pause and enjoy your life. I pray that the only time you feel lost is in a book. I long to see you cry from laughing too hard and your knees hit the dirt only because you dove through the finish line.
I hope your words served you best. I hope you found a chest to lay your head against and it is filled with treasure. I hope your fire never dies while you splash through puddles of at your leisure. I also want you to know that it paid off to be alone. How else would we have known how precise to build our throne?
I pray for you often and, in my heart, I know you’ll be okay. Your strength will always push you forward when your world is frozen in place. Your wisdom will always wait patiently for you to notice when you have strayed. I could bottle every one of your tears just to witness their beauty and redemption. I would listen to every story that they tell and the praises they would mention.
I’m doing the work so that my scars won’t cast shadows on your shine. I know you will continue to make those around you feel electrified, but don’t let anyone get in your way, not even me. I ask this small request. Will you still hold my hand when I can’t see? Will you always give your best? Can we still make silly faces? Tell inside jokes and get plenty of rest? Will you keep me from getting lost in spaces with things that bump in the night? Will you promise not to let anyone else dim our light?
I want you to know that I have started to believe in us. I refuse to give up on our future, and I exercise more trust. I apologize for repeating the past and allowing the overthinking and the agony to last. The times that we connected, I was just happy to meet you, forgetting that you were there to teach me not to let my fear bleed through. As we cross over to 30, I look in the mirror everyday and see a force, a beauty, and a flame. You are a masterpiece, and your life is the frame. My heart is full just thinking of how amazing you must be. Even if nothing changes, I love you just because you’re me.
The road I travel will always bring me closer to you. Knowing that you will always be, is enough. Enough to keep going, to endure and allow others to help me too. I imagine you growing into yourself and tossing potential out the window. All you have to be is yourself and allow real love to make its intro. You deserve it, and always have. Continue to never let these folks tell you what to do. You are still Daddy (inside joke), and I will always love you.