we’re not meant to fight this battle alone
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
8-16-34
for my niece, Malorie, and her legacy, “Malorie’s Place”

we’re not meant to fight this battle alone
a tired warrior’s cry
screaming in silence
crashing her soul into the world
battles fought valiantly

we’re not meant to fight this battle alone
scared
confused
wanting just one more hit
wanting just one more high

we’re not meant to fight this battle alone
the world crashing in
like the tide against the shore
eroding the vulnerable sand –
her escape, her sanctuary

we’re not meant to fight this battle alone
she wanted to be saved
by a regiment of purple winged angels
in the end
the battle was fought alone

Dear Inner Child,
So few memories of you, the remnants tarnished with your father’s anger or your cousin’s unwanted touch. It is so difficult to remember who we once were. I know your young soul grew tired too quickly; yet here you are. Persevering. Eight years past your first wish for death- an eternal sleep that could finally satisfy your weary soul. How inspiring you are to have kept going- kept fighting for the joy you know is out there.
I know you are tired. I know you don’t want to fight anymore, and I am ecstatic to tell you that all your hard work has finally paid off. You have built a community that nourishes your soul. Even on the sad days and throughout the disappointing moments of life, you have a collective around you ready to wrap you in their arms and shower you with affection until your smile once again lights up the room. Because you do. You light up every room you walk into. Your energy is so bright and magnetic. You draw people in with your glee. You have created a welcoming, loving, joyful environment that you so desperately wanted growing up. You are the peace you so desperately sought. You are the warmth and love your growing soul craved.
I am so proud of the independent, resilient, loving young woman you have grown into. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for holding on even if it wasn’t always for you. Thank you for giving yourself- for giving present me and future us- a chance at the happiness you dreamed of every night. If not for you- for the hope burning within you, we would not have this community. We would not be creating our own home. We would not be able to fall asleep in his arms, steal the covers in the morning, and come home to a kiss on the cheek and dinner on the table.
I know you are so sad that you had to fight so long and so hard for this unconditional love. I realize a part of you still wishes that you felt this love growing up. I know a part of you is still angry that you had to love yourself and drag yourself through the harsh hurdles of life because the parents who were supposed to be there to cushion the blows turned their backs on you, too busy with their petty bickering. I know a part of you is guilty of the anger you feel inside because you recognize the hurt inner child within them that was not as strong as you- not strong enough to cherish their happiness or love every part of themselves as I love you.
Most days you might not think so, but that is my favorite thing about you. No matter what feelings of disdain you may hold for another seemingly shitty person, you see their wounds. You see the inner child within throwing a tantrum and you know the pain they face whether they tell you or not. You are so emotionally intelligent. I understand you may be angry that you cannot be as cold-blooded and petty as your sisters, but you are the warmth that melts the icy exterior. You are the gentle helping hand that allows the angry inner children around you to open up and heal what they have bottled up and hidden away from themselves for so long. Without your emotional intelligence, without the unconditional love you have to offer, this world would be so much crueler. Why would you want to contribute to the pain when you can heal it? You may not have a green thumb or magical healing food, but you have a warm heart and listening ears. You have a way with words and with people that can open their eyes to new perspectives and happier endings. You are the guiding light in such a dark world. I could not be prouder to be anyone else but you.

Love always,
Your Healing Self

Dearest Little One,

You were always full of wonder, asking questions with depth beyond your years. Why was I born a girl at this exact place in time in this exact spot on Earth? How does reincarnation work? Why do some people discriminate based on age, orientation, financial status, religion, and/or faith? Certainly love is the answer, knowing no bounds, waiting patiently for us if we only have the courage to look.

You always spoke your mind even if you didn’t know it was impolite according to societal norms or expectations. Even if you did, I know you would have been fearless and persistent in your self-expression. You have always been deeply spiritual and never questioned the beauty of your soul. Blessed with the freedom to find deity all around, you found your own moral compass that suited you as a dedicated truth seeker and lifelong learner. This has led you on a quest for growth that is never ending.

You’ve always been a dreamer, seeking solace in your books. But you also had your own creativity, always citing your imagination whenever someone questioned where you got those ideas from. You never lose sight of the value that comes with playing pretend. Keep dreaming of how the world can be a better place and never stop using that to craft your goals in life.

Your natural resilience pulled you through so many obstacles, even when you faltered in the darkest of times. But don’t worry little one, that’s waiting for you in your teens and beyond. Just know that I am waiting for you, and all will be well.

If only you could see us now, I have every confidence you would be as proud of us as I am of you. Nourishing you is what pulls me through and keeps me going. In seeking all the love and light and happiness you were robbed of in those formative years, I find that I am reclaiming the self-love that always came so naturally to you. Yes, I have no doubt that I have made you proud.

Love, Your Whole Self

I knew you so well.
And I know as soon as you did it,
regret flooded over you like a river in a rainstorm.
You were filled with it.
Overflowing with sorrow of all you left behind.
Your family,
Your brother,
nephews,
and friends,
are left with unanswered questions
of why.

It was a mistake, we know it was.
And I am sorry.
That you felt so much pain in your heart
that you felt it was easier to not be here at all.
To take it all away from yourself like a thief.

Except you didn’t just rob yourself,
You robbed everyone who loved you,
Of all the years of joy and happiness that they should have had with you.
And never will.

One decision, one mistake,
and yet so many innocent people now suffer
the consequences.
In one instant an entire life in the making,
lost.

We were here
But we didn’t hear you calling our names.
But were you even calling?

“I’m sorry,” send.
For what?
“Love you.” Send.
What’s going on?
No answer.

Bang, gone.
22 years all down the drain,
22 years of laughter,
22 years of joy,
22 years of pain,
22 years of growing,
And learning, and making mistakes.
Except, this mistake you will never learn from.

And I continue to ask why.
But yet, I could not be in your head,
I could not feel your pain,
your sadness,
your suffering.
So who am I to place your blame?
If I could, I would have sucked it out of you like a vacuum,
Because you deserved better.

I tried to understand,
But I cant.
I know how it feels to want to end it all.
The emptiness,
The gut wrenching feeling that you’re not good enough.
The void that can’t be filled.
To shut the lights off,
Turn off the noise.

But even so,
I still can’t justify the mess you made,
Or wrap my head around the facts.
I cant believe what you are capable of.
My wounded heart just doesn’t understand
the wound you endorsed,
At the hands of yourself,

It feels surreal,
And I feel angry.
It feels like I’m constantly drowning,
And I’m trying to come up for a breath of air,
But someone is holding me down.
I see the surface, but just I cant reach it,
I’m out of control.

Or like I’m in one of those dreams where I am trying to run, but I’m stuck in slow motion.
Or the dream where you throw a punch,
but your fist is too heavy,
And it makes you angrier and angrier.
I’m so furious,
And I want to believe you’re at peace,
But how can I when you have been taken
From everything you love?

Your beauty was just too beautiful for the world.
Your kindness was too kind,
Your generosity was too generous,
Your personality was too big,
Your passion was too passionate,
Your strength was too strong.

You were too much for this Earth to handle.
Thats why she took you from us.
It took 22 years to find out
that you were too good for this world.

You wanted to receive your halo and wings early.
When daddy said you were his Angel,
he didn’t mean it literally,
But I guess you had other plans.

Now you will forever be 22 years young.
And I will forever wonder what could have been.

I wonder what it must be like
to have a normal self-image.
To not be swallowed up by body dysmorphia,
Stealing away every opportunity that comes.

I wonder what it must be like
to show up just as you are,
Instead of avoiding and hiding away,
So not to be seen the way that you are.

What a relief it would be
To look in the mirror and not see an enemy.
To not want to throw up at the sight,
Of the body that serves me every day

To not want to shatter the mirror into pieces,
As if it makes me go away.
To glance at my reflection in a window,
And not startle at the monster staring back.

I wonder what it would be like
To not pick myself apart,
And chip away any self-esteem left,
Just to convince myself of how bad I am.

What a relief it would be,
To have it be the last thing I’m worried about.
To feel good enough to chase a dream,
Even just good enough to participate.

To allow myself to feel excited,
Without the side conversations in my head.
The intrusive thoughts that shatter me
And suffering caused by distortion.

What it must be like
To wake up in the morning and not worry
About what new perceived image
You will have in the reflection this time.

To not be obsessed and compulsive.
To not base my activities around
How I feel about myself
To not be restricted.

I wonder what life I’d have
If I didn’t restrain myself from it.
To break free from the prison of my mind
That holds me chained against my will.

The disorder has me in a chokehold,
And there is no release.
I am in an endless battle with my mind,
And I wish I could just be free.

How does it feel
To not be restricted by behavior
That stops you from leaving your house?
Repetitive, agonizing, panicky behavior

What a relief it would be, to just be.