Jess, dry your eyes. Don’t let the haters dim your light. The negative things they say about you are a myth. Realize now that you are worthy just because you exist. That chick who sees you in the hall, who laughs and glares, she like many others cannot handle that you’re rare. Don’t let them get to you. Stop believing that you need to morph into someone else. They’re no authority on who you should be. They don’t know or love themselves. You’ve always been a fighter since before you were born. Abused in the womb, three months early you debuted, nurses held you and were forlorn. You’ll learn to light that spark in you and turn it into a flame. Your story will bring others hope, the battle won’t be in vain. Hang in there. It may feel at times like your darkest hour. If only you knew, the struggle is real; AND, so is your power.

Because there is no effort that will un-harm you
an open heart does not disarm you
there are only lessons, and those are love too
there is only love, what you are left with, is you
we are waiting for nothing, and the fears we cannot fight
only face, stop running. Be still from your flight.
just sit down and stretch
be the ripple that is self
you have always been water
you have will always be wealth

Oh, my friend, what is it that you see?
I am to whom you’ve longed,
Are you not you proud of me?
I am who the one you’ve wronged,

Where you see darkness, oh, I see well,
Where you see stress, oh, a story to tell,
Can’t you see, oh how I love you?
Only for you, oh I’ve manifested true,

Your wishes mine to grant,
Your sorries mine to subside,
Your life mine to take,
Your desires mine to abide,

All yours to hold,
All yours to covet,
Your life you live,
It’s time you love it.

Our minimum 14 poses at every teenage girly photoshoot:

“Let me carry you”
Hang upside down pic
Tackle pic!
CHEERS
“Wait-I wanna show my sunnies”
Show me those baby blues ….
Silly pic !
Now, Serious face.
Okay real picture,
Laughing,
Dancing,
Candid,
Dabb
Photobombed by strangers and made new friends

Now that you’re gone, those silly photos aren’t so silly.

Worry.
A tradition of the mind
that was not made for the soul.
A symptom of the lost
who forgot to come home.

A place where the mind runs free,
basking in the joy and abundance
Of the world around.
My little darling,
You do not have to be found.
For you are right where you need to be
in every moment
of every day
exactly where you are
letting your soul run free.

So do not worry.
For you will lose yourself
Running around each day
thinking how could this be?
When all along
All you had to do
Was put trust in your hand
and let life take the lead.

The coo of a dove,
gently wakes me from my slumber,
I dreamt of laying near a babbling brook,
accompanied by a good book,
hoping the right direction is hidden somewhere in these pages.
The morning light,
lightly lifted my eye lids
asking me:
“Hey, are u ready to start the day?”
A day where the only demands needing to be met,
are that of being a good father .
That sounds like so much fun!
We can build a fort,
we can go to the park and run.
Then I remember the problems
I tried to pin inbetween
prelude and the exodus,
they started to seep out of the page.
My son’s laughter met my anxiety outside and said
“not today!”
What it did allow-
was a welcoming thought,
for me to be a kid again.
Watching him live his life with so much joy,
Made me realize that
I needed to heal my inner boy.

The current cacophony
currently singing through water,
opened the valves of my heart so my younger self and my son can play together.

“A Dream by the River.”

The Sunlight was very jealous of our smiles,
The Breeze stopped for a second
to enjoy our laughter,
The Grass welcomed the
weight of our weightlesness,
It felt our heartbeat with every step,
then we layed down and became blades of grass ourselves.
My son safely nestled next to me and we dozed off…

DEAR UNSEALED,
My ‘comfy peace zone
Is being alone,
Or with a friend
At the beach
As to reach
Out my hand to touch the wave,
To breathe at air, catch the wave,
With my toes embedded in the sand
As I walk in the forever beach land
I breathe in the positive icons of the ocean,
as they are a magic potion
of supernatural omnipotence of life
the life
of humans and all living creatures as they crawl
and walk, sleep, produce and create,
call
out to me,
“Come out to me, Vicki Lawana!”
I regroup at the beach,
Of which
It is a quiet place for prayer, solitude and throwing out
Negative icons to the breeze,
To the wind, the universe of time and space.
This is the case
Of confessions to the sea
From many stories of love, heartache, tears, joy
And laughter of past present and future to be
I look out at the ocean blue.
Listen to the seagulls too.
Although other humans are here
I have created a tiny little sphere
Of the atmosphere
Of light around my space
I sigh a bit.
I remember my youth days,
the 2am night drives to Malibu
Parking my car feeling blue
A romance gone awry, adrift, and away,
As I step out my car
Into the parking lot
In my special spot
I sigh.
Cause now I say, “No worries!”
All thoughts of grief & heartache
Dissipate
Into the ocean blue
Throwing my cares to the waves, the salty air
Of time & space
Not a waste
But a taste of salt and minerals seeping
Through my toes radiating through my whole body
Creating a flow of the case
Of joy and time & space reality
Of no more grief
Cause I feel the ocean spray
On my face
On my body
As I sink my barefoot toes in the sand
Of this LA land.
This is still my ‘comfy zone,
As it my time alone
To pray, to say
I am okay.

Dear Future Self,

I know you feel like your life could not get any worse. The constant feeling like you are never good enough. It is hard to wonder if the next bearing you encounter will kill you. Your life goal has been and will be to remove yourself from this situation.
To be honest there will be a few times in your life that this happens to you. The best part is, after everything you have been through, it all makes you stronger. Through it all you have persevered and accomplished so much. Even as a young mother, you pushed yourself to ensure your boys had everything they needed and wanted.
You never stop learning. When this letter is written, you have already achieved two Masters degrees and published two books. Currently, your job is easy and you enjoy what you are doing. However, you never stop learning and continue with writing. Writing has become your life mission and career while continuing to work, sadly writing does not pay the bills.
You will never have to worry about your future. Throughout your life, you have acquired enough funds that if you do not want to work, you do not have to. The second book you sold has given you a few extra dollars to keep you going. While keeping your future open, you invested some of your money. This also gives you some funds to work with. You work because you have expensive hobbies and love to go Jeeping. This is a hobby that you spend the most amount of money on. Be very careful so you do not go too crazy.
I hope this information gives you peace, knowing you will be okay. Keep your head up and stay strong. Life has a way of turning tricks and you need to be careful you don’t trip. You are smart and well-educated. You can do anything you put your mind to. I wish you the best! Remember that I love you and to love yourself.

Warmest Regards,
Ashley Zuidema (Current Self)

Dearest sweet, young self,

Take a deep breath, relax, and trust.

Ease your mind about what’s to come.

I say that not because everything turns out fabulously, beautifully, better than you could have ever expected. Rather, I say it because worrying about your future is an exercise in utter futility. Whether you worry or you don’t won’t change a thing, other than how you experience your current life. My darling, please don’t rob yourself of your present.

I know that’s elusive advice to heed right now, so let me ask you this: why are you fretting about money when fretting about money makes you no money? Either do something to make yourself more money, or don’t. Why are you worried about being single when worrying about it makes you no less single, just more sad? Spinning your wheels of fright solves nothing.

Here’s a secret you’ll soon learn: a worry is nothing but poorly allocated creative energy. It’s pouring fresh, fragrant imaginative juices down a non-functional well. Every worry is a story. You, my darling, are a masterful storyteller.

Right now, you use your storytelling to paint bleak scenarios in your mind – with exquisite detail – about the potential pitfalls of your future. I’m here to tell you, you can use that creative energy to craft stories which inspire, uplift, and entertain – not stories which give you ulcers and anxiety.

All that time spent wondering if it will all turn out okay doesn’t actually make it turn out okay. Enjoying yourself and following your passion makes it all turn out okay. Spoiler alert: you won’t give up on yourself. Remember that little spark of imaginative passion that enthralled you as a child? It won’t go away. Rather, it will grow. You will feed it until the flame engulfs you, in the best way.

I would love to write you and say, “get excited, because all your dreams come true!”. In all sincerity, though, things will turn out…differently…than you imagine now. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, you will become the person you’ve always wanted to be. You will show up in the world in a way that will wow you. What’s more, you will learn to trust that this path is your correct path. Don’t try to write your future, darling, because a greater Author is already hard at work. What you can do is write your own experience of it. Life isn’t what happens to you, it’s your relationship to what happens to you. Choose your relationship to time, to your fears, to your past, to your career, to your hopes, wishes, and wants. Relate to your future as your ally, not some malefic, frightening unknown.

You’re going to learn lessons and grapple conundrums you never would have imagined, but you don’t even need to think about that now. Focus on what is. Savor every moment. Trust the future will arrive one way or another – because it will. Whether you love it or not is completely up to you*.

Love,
Your future self

*(FYI: you do!)