Dear you;

My love. My kryptonite. My coldest enemy and my warmest embrace. I never thought I would be yours. People say that you fall in love in certain ways, and I may have acknowledged it, but I never actually believed it to be true. Yet here I am, palms sweating at the thought of lacking your presence. At first you were a subtle love. I played it cool. We didn’t get together that much, and I never called you during our time apart. It didn’t take long for me to fall head over heels in love with you. The way you took the breath out of my chest. The way I could feel alive in your presence, and the nights that we would spend together, learning everything about one another. I will never be the same after meeting you. This will now be my life as I know it, and YOU gave that to me. You opened up parts of my mind and my soul that I hadn’t known existed before. You enveloped me in courage, confidence, and motivation to be better. You uplifted me.

At first. You helped me through my long work days, and you pushed me to get through my roles as a mother until I was finally allowed rest. At first. You taught me how to have fun again, and how it felt to be amongst friends. At first. You taught me to be responsible, and how to build and maintain the best possible life for myself. At first.

But shortly afterward, you started changing. You started changing me. My night shifts were easier, but my roles as a mother became more and more scarce. Soon enough, after CPS involvement and harsh words exchanged between the fathers of my children, I got the girls less. Even more so after my children were traumatized by the person you made me become. I lost them. My babies. Eventually, my job followed suit. Soon enough, it wasn’t fun anymore, and I saw more evil amongst the snakes disguised as friends than I had ever witnessed prior to you. My life started to crumble before me like shattering teeth as I lost every bit of my self esteem. Eventually, I crashed. Into the pits of what most may call rock bottom. You watched me smash into it’s dark, cold, lonely, fucked up pit, and instead of grabbing my hand and helping me, you laughed at me. You mocked me. With the most sinister smile, you reminded me that they had all warned me about you, and I hadn’t listened.

I knew you would break my heart. I knew you would leave me weak when you took my strength, lonely when I ruined every relationship around me just to keep yours, broken from when you influenced me to make these stupid decisions. You weren’t there for me when I fell down the way that you promised you would be. As I look around, I am on my own. The only people present are the ones asking me if I am hungry, because my homelessness is now suddenly so obvious. The families feeling sorry for me because they know what I am lacking, or judging me, because my absolute need for you is becoming physically apparent.

I put my trust in you. Gave my life to you, methamphetamine. You did what every single person told me you would. You grabbed ahold of me and you dug your claws deep inside of me. You held on for dear life and you watched me ambush mine. You sat back while I self-destructed and turned myself into an empty shell of the person that I used to be. You stole my sunshine. You stole my kids. My home. My job. My family. My friends. You made me depend on you, and you taunt me every fucking day of my life. Those that don’t know you should feel fortunate. Because you are a monster. A beautiful, vicious, exciting, terrifying existence, and I wouldn’t wish you on my worst enemy. Yet here I stand, with you in my daily routine. Learning more and more new ways to experience the absolute fucking euphoria that accompanies you for those few moments after we connect. Shaking, nauseated, in physical agony, and desperate for you when you are gone. I love you, and you fucking hate me. You prove that to me every day as you assist me in letting go of one more piece of myself.
I will never forget you, but I need to say goodbye.

(Style Score 77%)

You made yourself known
To a very young girl
Who wanted to dress up
Play with high heels and pearls
She asked many to join her
But was shut down, forgotten
So slowly but surely
She shut her heart down and locked it
She was desperate, pathetic
In need of attention
So she did things to get it
That I would rather not mention
That young girl grew up
And she made a mistake
She let down her guard
And she let her heart break
She didn’t ask him to stay
She was taught at a young age
Never beg one to be there
Humans aren’t meant to be caged
The bump on her belly
Made no difference at all
And when the blood started coming
He never even called
Just the same as that girl had
She felt worthless and weak
She was embarrassed and shut down
Puny and meek
From that day going forward
She did what she had to
To ensure you weren’t present
She had to avoid you
She became a chameleon
And transformed as was necessary
To feed the needs of her suitors
Her friends, or her family
Here’s the thing with rejection, though
It has no worthy contender
Because you are inevitable
Even to the very best pretender
The best she can do now
Is dress in high heels and pearls
And to break that whole cycle
For her own little girls
To show them they’re worthy
Loved, and accepted
Because one really suffers
When all they feel is rejected.

(Style Score 100%)

What I’m most afraid of is to finally step into my L(I)GHT and feel at a loss. The thought of living by/through SO(U)L only to be without the things I visualized making it through with me-without the people I imagined being a part of my life and a part of the process of my becoming. Sometimes the thought of having no control of the variables other than yourself throughout the transformation is enough to keep you where you are, the place you desire to leave most. Numerous times there have been where I desired for SO(U)L to take over, the ego being the great decider of whether or not to fly from the nest to experience the great beyond, or to remain in the nest, protected by a false sense of security, left only to imagine what could’ve been. What would’ve been. I know what it is that I truly desire-contentment in my life, peace, happiness. It’s what we all truly want, I should say. That contentment, that peace, that happiness, is beyond achievable, but only if a place is provided for its existence. Throughout 2024 I thought I had it all figured out: “Do me, and I can’t lose.” But that’s not what I experienced when I began to consciously act through SO(U)L. I experienced the cost of my “freedom”-criticism from the one I loved and respected most. It was the deepest feeling of disappointment I’ve ever known besides that of the lies encountered from the adults in my life as a kid. My eyes, my heart, want only to see all around me being elevated and living life in its fullest and truest expression, but I’m met with criticism when I decide to do the very same thing for myself. I’ve stumbled, and stumbled, and stumbled, my knees craving freedom from the weighted burdens of others in which I’ve placed upon my shoulders. After falling so many times, I rise once more, brushing the debris off my bodice and, rather than throwing in the towel, I advance forward. Once having the idea that L(I)FE’S marathon could only be won at a full sprint, I finally decided to shift to a lower gear, continuously advancing forward step-by-step. Step-by-step I continue to inch closer to the L(I)GHT. The comfort I once knew attempts to call me back, threatening me of what it is to be lost in attempting to obtain the sun; comfort is on my list of blocked contacts. IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME. I gotta’ move on because if I stay with you, I lose; I gotta’ go because if I don’t, I reject L(I)FE ITSELF; I gotta go because if I don’t, I won’t ever truly be satisfied with this EX(I)STENCE. So fear, you don’t ever have to leave me, you don’t have to go-allow me to do that for you. If I happen to disappoint you by making myself proud, so be it.

Dear Fear,

You don’t win. You can not win. You tried to make me feel small. You tried to make me feel unimportant. I feel like the default, but you lied! Fear you tried to control my life and defeat me. I feel like the last, the go to,the one to settle for .
I feel like the one you have when it is now or never. I feel like the default is what I am, but I realize that is not true, I can not let that happen. Fear, you don’t win! You have talked to me, too much and too long. I am tired of listening to you. You are a liar and have no power. Fear, I face you straight on with God holding my hand. I am strong because you fought me so hard, you helped build my muscles. You “DON’T WIN”!!!

With (my) Strongest Goodbyes,

God’s Child.

This year, I walk with seeds in hand,
To cultivate dreams, to grow and stand.
A garden of truth, where courage takes root,
With love as my anchor and self-worth as my fruit.
I’ll learn from the earth, her wisdom and grace,
Craft healing remedies in this sacred space.
A student of nature, her word I’ll heed,
To nurture my spirit and plant what I need.
The voice inside, once soft, now clear,
Will echo with purpose, unfazed by fear.
Through words, I’ll inspire, through truth, I’ll ignite,
A beacon of hope, a source of light.
Steps once faltered, now steady and bold,
Guided by faith, by strength I uphold.
The past may have scarred, but its lessons remain,
A testament of healing through joy and through pain.
I’ll craft my own path, a website, a name,
A space to empower, to stoke the flame.
Sharing my story, my trials, my climb,
Proving that healing transcends space and time.
For family and self, my heart will expand,
As I teach, as I love, as I firmly stand.
I’ll honor the past, its lessons, its pain,
And greet each new day with gratitude’s refrain.
2025, a year to embrace,
With goals that align, with a steady pace.
A journey of purpose, of dreams redefined,
An alchemist’s vision, both dark and light intertwined.

Weeks one and two didn’t count. I can do better.
I will do better.
I will be inspired by the love in my home.
I will start 2025 tomorrow.
I have two kittens. They are brothers.
They keep me up most nights.
In the morning, I will wake up grateful.
I will avoid the urge to ask the universe for 5 more minutes.
I will get up and get dressed. I will do school drop-offs. I will go to work. I will smile.
But before I begin the day’s tasks,
I will watch fondly as my sleepy kitties climb into my warm bed.
They will do a little kitty dance as they snuggle into a furry twisted pretzel.
They are so cute.
I will avoid the urge to get another.
I will read a book. A real book.
Not a cute one with rhymes and pictures.
One with pages that have “that” smell.
My bookshelves are lined with books like that, and I promised each one that I would be back.
I haven’t been back.
I will avoid the urge to collect more things that I cannot commit to.
I will make time to get lost in a story.
I will go on adventures with my mind and make up for the ones I have missed with my body.
My body.
I will love my body. No. I will fall madly in love with my body, with myself.
I will heal. I will heal my soul. I will heal my children.
My children.
Wild and tenacious. They are relentless.
Full of kindness, wonder, and good.
And goldfish crackers.
I take that back. They never get full. They always want more.
I will give them more.
More giggles, more games, more time, more love, more food.
I will pay more attention. I will watch them. I will observe.
Laughing, fighting, playing, and messing.
Chaos.
But I WILL NOT YELL. My mother yelled. I am not my mother.
I will help them clean up their messes, I will make their bed, I will tuck them in.
I will read them one of those cute books with rhymes and pictures.
Three if they ask.
I will join them for a snuggle until they are peacefully sleeping.
They are perfect.
I will avoid the urge to have another.
I will try to fill the next Thirty-One Million Two Hundred and Forty Thousand Seconds of our time with love.
With goodness and wholeness. With warmth.
I will appreciate the madness that is my life.
That I have created.
And if for a moment, under all the pressure, I lose sight of that,
I will avoid the urge to implode.

A new year upon us-two zero, two five,
I wake up refreshed, feeling sharp and alive.
What are my hopes and my dreams for the year?
Goals, aspirations, in all I hold dear.

Pen in hand, paper waiting, ready to write,
No doubts in my mind, no ‘if’, ‘maybe’, ‘might’.
This year will be different, this year I’ll succeed,
In fulfilling my aims, follow-through with the deed.

Arise early each morn, a smile on my face,
Greet my hubby with coffee and a loving embrace.
Our union prevails, my soulmate for life,
I’ll pay more attention, eliminate strife.

Tackle my chores with a positive mien,
Approach them with purpose, keep everything clean.
Purging and tidying, structure to all,
Things in their places, the big and the small.

Reign in on the hoarding, collecting, and such,
Shoes, books, and trinkets, too many, too much.
Curb my impulsive purchasing way,
Consider the need before I hit ‘pay’.

I’ll watch what I eat, keep it healthy and smart,
Limit the food that’s not good for my heart.
Drink more water, lay off of the booze,
Exercise daily, a few pounds to lose.

Cut out the cookies, the donuts, the chips,
They all can attest to the growth of my hips.
Self-control is the answer, I’ll do it, I will,
When my tummy is growlie, with veggies I’ll fill.

Try out some yoga, for body and mind,
Meditation and stretching to help me unwind.
Daily walks in the park with my pooches in tow,
Content tails wagging, eyes all aglow.

Appreciate nature, the stars in the sky,
The wind in the trees, the birds as they fly.
The crispness of winter, the promise of spring,
Summer sun urging plants, autumn harvest to bring.

Treat others with kindness, all judgement forsake,
Talk less, listen more, be real, not fake.
Be true to myself, identity strong,
Don’t believe those who tell me I’m wrong.

Now last, but not least, my family, my kin,
Cherish old memories, new ones begin.
Spend more time together, share stories and dreams,
Both laughter and worries, minute or extreme.

I’ll follow the map of the goals I’ve laid out,
I’m determined and focused, know what it’s about.
It’s me, but I’m better, if I stick to my trail,
The challenge is real, I know I won’t fail.

Another turn around the sun has begun
And I must greet it with gratitude and ambition.
Can I make my fortieth round worthwhile?
With enough effort, luck, and gumption… perhaps.

First, I’ll quit the habit
Of sucking toxins into my lungs,
The smoke so unappealing
To my dear loved ones.

Second, I’ll sleep soundly,
So as to follow the sun,
Arising in the dewy dawn
And dreaming under the moon.

Third, I’ll train my brain
To stay sane and focus,
Focus on the words of each page,
One after another until I’ve completed a book.

Fourth, I will grab that pay,
Earned fairly and duly with grit,
In a position only I could play
For my gifts will finally be seen.

Lastly, I’ll return to the wilds,
With all my needs on my back,
Traversing mountains and rivers,
Curling down nightly into the earth.

Imagine what could be with these goals achieved.
All the good – and not just for me.
A stronger body and a stronger mind
Will contribute endless gifts to society.

Dear Unsealers,
An acrostic poem about my goals for 2025.

Looking ahead to this next year
I strive to be more present and
Value and appreciate the good, the bad, and the mundane
Each day is a new opportunity to learn and grow
I want to take more leaps, without being afraid
Not worry about what other people think, or things that have not happened
Take my time, and stop rushing from place to place
Have more fun and laugh even more
Enjoy the little things and savor…
Moments with my family, friends, and pets
Opportunities to bring joy to others, and…
More time alone, for self-care and self-reflection
Each day I hope to embrace a little change
Not stress about anything trivial and…
Truly remember that each day is a gift

Hours fading while my desire continues commiserating

I will wipe away the cobwebs in my mind to see what I might find

Putting down the phone to discover the unbeknown

Facing a challenge of the heart, mind, and soul, that is how I’ll roll

They say that it’s too late for you, but that won’t change what I’ll do

There is no substitute for hard work, will, and a positive attitude

Write, write, and write some more, that is the only solution for sure

Rejection is the expected, but it will not get me dejected

Need to secure an agent, though I will need to be patient

Win a contest or two, feedback will help me get a clue

Land a million-dollar fee, they don’t know I’d do it for free

I’ll even try to write a poem and maybe take my first award home

When I ask the most intricate parts of myself what is the goal, they respond in the most sweetest and saddest way. “Lauryn you can either expand, be complacent or smaller”. Will this year be better the same or worse? I would most certainly love for the goal to be me expanding so wide there’s only room for the things that will benefit me. Expanding the uncomfortableness so much it pops into extraordinary memories that’s so vivid I can truly see. Doing things only the childhood Lauryn imagined. Don’t die Lauryn stay alive. That has always been the ultimate goal. When the pain is overwhelming me with doubts and fears of abandonment, confusion, control your emotions so they don’t swallow you whole. Let that be the goal. Being certain in my uncertainties has allowed me to envision the worst and best at times. Thinking 100 miles per hour, but moving so damn slow. Lauryn go. Don’t slip into the what if category. Dont get caught and arrested by the imposter police because it’s hard to get out and simply be free and believe you can do things. I must let myself know to go. Let that be my ultimate goal.

71% Style Score

A new day begins,
A fresh start, where hope lies within.
To finish school, a milestone to reach,
Turning a new page, within my reach.

A book to be written, a story to unfold,
Words like wings, a tale to be told.
To find love’s embrace, a tender vine,
Growing stronger, intertwining.

A car paid in full, a home to call my own,
Adventures to seek, on roads yet unknown.
To live with intention, each moment embraced,
Appreciating the journey, at my own pace.

Let happiness bloom, a vibrant flower in the spring,
To love more, complain less, and let my spirit sing.
To wash away doubt, a shadow that fades away,
As confidence shines, with each passing day.

A career that ignites my soul’s desire,
A life of purpose, fueled by inner fire.
To cultivate peace within my mind and soul,
To live stress-free and make my spirit whole.

I no longer look back at the things I’ve outgrown,
I’m embracing the future, a life that’s truly my own.

I used to have one million goals; now I have one goal with a million little steps.
My goal is to be free and find a reason for being, a reason for loving, a reason for learning, a reason for growing — a reason to be.
I have lived all my life afraid of the possibilities of life.
Afraid that If I stepped too far from the cage of my home, I would one day find out that I’ve always been right in my fear of stepping into the unknown.
But the older I grow, the easier it is to see that If I hide in fear, I will never be who I want to be
And who do I want to be this year? I want to be the best version of myself.
When I walk into a room,
Instead of my first thought being
‘How do I look?’,
‘Why does it feel like everyone’s staring at me?’,
‘Why does it feel like they want me to leave?’
I want my first thought to be:
‘Who can I meet, and what version of me do I want this room to unleash?’
When I work on a project, I want to say:
‘I am so happy that I get to learn today, and I am so excited to fail so that I can improve and get better the next day.’
Instead of:
‘Why do I bother to try something new when I don’t have a clue what it is I’m meant to do? ‘
When I talk to a friend, I want to think what I think and say what I say without worrying if the end of our friendship is on the way.
I want to speak freely and know that if the conversion dies, the anxiousness will eventually subside and we can continue talking until the end of time.
I want to be okay with saying no, not because I am sick or because I am busy, but because I simply don’t want to go.
I want to know that the people who matter will never let me go, just because of a simple no.
I want to find joy in myself and understand that I will be okay without having someone constantly in front me.
I want to know that I can be happy in the comfort of my room because I am interesting enough to bring color into a world that feels like it is filled with impending doom.
I want to choose me, every time that I find myself with someone who lies to, disregards, or derides me.
I want to love myself so strongly that I would never consider giving my all to someone who could never give me peace of mind.
I want to be so grounded in my faith that no matter what anyone says, I can reply:
‘ Your belief is your belief, and that’s okay, but for me and my house, I choose to follow a God who knows my name.’
I want to wine and dine myself and find the time to love someone else. I want to save up towards my goal of independence and be myself without worrying about defending it. I want to stand firm with my convictions and circumvent all the little addictions of this world. I want to make a difference, even if that difference only affects one soul, and that soul is mine.
I want to be free and I want to be me in 2025.

It’s 2025
A new year,
New promises, new dreams.
But all I see is an empty canvas—
Not one brimming with potential,
But one haunted by shadows,
A faint echo of what it once was.

I long for the days
When the future felt vast and bright,
When my dreams danced like sparks in the dark,
And the stars were mine to paint.
Back then, the canvas whispered,
“Anything is possible.”

But now, the stars are distant,
Surrounded by the toll of their brilliance.
The cost of creation weighs heavy—
Brushes worn thin, colors faded,
And I wonder, is it worth it?

Still, I hold my breath,
Hoping to believe again.
I ache to feel that spark,
To trust that what I do matters.
To dream beyond the confines of what I am told
And step into a world of boundless skies.

I remember a time when I lived beyond the canvas.
When my hands held the power to create worlds—
Purple trees, cloud-birds soaring free,
Waves of color defying reason,
Each stroke a rebellion,
Each moment a masterpiece.

But now,
The rules have tightened around me,
Defining what I can and cannot paint.
Confining my imagination,
Strangling the voice within my brush.

Yet it’s 2025,
A new year,
And I dare to dream again.
This year, I will break the rules.
I will shatter the frame.
I will paint not just on the canvas
But beyond its edges,
Onto the walls, the sky, the stars.

This year, I will reclaim my brush,
Mixing colors no one has ever seen,
Creating worlds only I can imagine.
Because the canvas is not a limit;
It’s a beginning.

I am a painter,
And I am the creator of my story.
It’s 2025,
And the stars are waiting.

PHOBOS

Dear Phobos,

I felt you trickle down my spine like the first heat wave of the summer sun’s rays.

The same warmth that kissed my pale flesh in the morning glow in every year since my birth.

I sensed your lingering touch like that of my mother’s lips against my brow, as she checks to see the rhythm of my chest.

I taste your sweet wonders with every bite of ripe fruit, decadent chocolate.

I see you my wife’s eyes every night before we fall asleep. Her soft voice, a siren’s call to my dreams, luring me into rest. Another second closer to the eternal end.

Phobos is my friend. He is my father, carrying me to bed as a child again. Phobos is my steady hum of music in the air. Phobos is my friend in a new body, showing me the wonders of life and thereafter.

My Phobos, my fear is to forget.

I fight this fear daily. With every moment I gain, I lose another second of life. I am not afraid of death. I am not afraid of life. I am afraid to forget the memories and moments I created, so I make more and more hoping that I will forget…

My fear

(T) 100% style score