The View

Wow, it’s insane how the world looks at you .
Do you think you’ll be enough for maybe one or two.
Is it too much to ask to see you just more than once?
I can’t imagine what you have to go through inside to present yourself
These people must be dunce if they don’t want you.

I love opening the door and smelling your scent
The smell is on my pillow from having you close to me
If I have you too much, I might have to repent

I’m super lucky to have you all to myself
I’m not selfish, but with you, I have to be .
You’re so fit, dark like chocolate, juicy meat on your body.
I rather have you any day over a plate of shellfish.

Do you know when I fell in love with you?
I fell in love with you as a child.
I took one look at you and said “you’re going to be all mine “and that’s true.
I couldn’t wait to become an adult and see how you grew. How you flourished.
I love you even more as an adult.
Who would have known.

People fight over you all the time.
I can’t blame them.
You pair so well with a glass of wine.
I love seeing you come out, and it’s actual steam coming out of you because you’re so dam hot !
You’re beautiful, soft and well matured.
You’re moist and refreshing and the best cure.

The scent of cloves as you walk by
The smile on my face when I see you.
When we are in a restaurant, and I’m with my friends, I count the minutes to see your sexy blend.

You sit well on top of colored grains
My heart can’t take it anymore.
I’m going to go insane.
As you come over to me, I lose everything in my brain.
Is this what actual love feels like?

I enjoy you, I love you, and I can’t get enough of the view.

I have to have you
I’m sure you do too.
Look at you!
Look at that view!
Oxtails, rice and peas with plantains too!

Dear God,

It’s internally overwhelming dealing with death. It’s like going out to dinner with 7 people at a table. You’re all aughing, smiling, enjoying that meal because it’s filled with love and it’s seasoned well. Your meal is over and it’s time to go back home, but then one of you don’t get back in the car. Your family is in the car and you watch the other family member stand outside the car. You wave to them and you become sad. It’s now 6 of you in the car driving back home in silence and confusion. You have to put that key in the door, open it and go up to that room where that person is no longer coming home to get in that bed. “Is this real?”

Reality hits and now you are sad. You’re crying, hyperventilating, and your brain is racing. You ask yourself “What just happened?” “Wait, wait, did I just leave my loved one at the restaurant and watch them walk off into the fog? “Maybe, I was dreaming?” You realized that you’re not. “Are they ever coming back?” “Who told tthem to go off into the fog like that?” You grab your phone to call them and hope they will pick up. RING…. RING….RING.. RING…

You hear something, as if someone picked up… “You have reached the voicemail of Pablo Joshua, please leave a message after the tone” “Dad, dad, are you there?” …BEEEEP…….. “Dad, please pick up, it’s me, Janet”. “Dad, can you hear me?” Then……Cancer, he answers. “No, your father is not here anymore, but you can speak to him at anytime”……silence…… more silence… more hyperventilating…..more heartache.. tears fall profusively…

“Hello, cancer, you really took him? Cancer, you son of a bitch! “

You really took him away from me, away from all of us??”…Who invited you into our lives?”.

You grab your chest because you can’t breathe. You even think, “maybe I should go back to that restaurant and join him in the fog”.

No, you can’t do that!

Its’s morning. I hear calypso music playing. The sun is up. I just don’t smell Johnny Cakes. I wish I did.

My dad is in my house and I see him everyday. I hear his voice, his fingers snapping, and his feet tapping to Hall & Oates.

(Music playing…lyrics are in tune)….
“You’re a rich girl, and you’ve gone too far
cause you know it don’t matter anyway…
You can rely on the old man’s money..
You can rely on the old man’s money..”

I walk down my steps and I see him. I smile. “Look at him, having a ball”, feeling the music in his soul. His eyes are closed and he is smiling. I see it. Look, at him. It’s my youngest son. His face is just like his. His soul is just like his. It’s beautiful to see. He’s my fathers twin.

I go down another flight of stairs and look at my dad, laughing and talking on the phone. Its my dads laugh so distinctively. It’s my oldest son. He’s my dads other twin.

I’m out at a restaurant and it’s music playing. I hear my dad speaking and playing his favorite tunes. I stop short, look up and smile. It’s him. There he is, being an amazing DJ that he loves to be. The voice on the mic and that’s Pablo’s voice. It’s, my brothers voice. He is such a great DJ, just like my dad. He makes his sets and send them out to people so they can enjoy and feel the love for music just like he taught us.

Wait! Just wait a minute, look at my dad out there on the dance floor. He loves two stepping to the music. I hear Anita Baker, Kenny G, and calypso king, Arrow. You can tell he feels the music with every step he takes. It’s My little brother and he is out dancing and smiling on the dance floor, just like my dad.

I hear sports playing, it’s loud. I use to wish he would turn that down. I hear the commentary. He’s watching sports. and now he’s broadcasting live from the station. Who would have thought that Dad? I know you are so proud of your baby boy. My youngest brother is the sportscaster. He is my dads other twin.

I see and hear my dad all the time. I’m blessed. I’m grateful. He lives in me everyday, he lives in my sons and my brothers.

God, my father taught me all about music.
He lived and breathed music. All genres!

What more could I ask for? God, his spirit is never leaving my house. You were right. I want to thank you God. I want to thank you for taking my dad and putting his soul at peace. As much as I said, I wish he was here for this or that… he is., and he multiplied.

Thank you!
Love Tiny!

P.S., please let my dad know, that I miss him and his legacy of music and sports will live on forever.

Wait, I can just tell him myself.
Good night!

Rest in peace to my dad, Pablo E Joshua 1/25/48 to 4/16/18

Eyes open and there’s my smile.
I’m alive and I made it.
Lord, thank you for seeing me through.
12 more months to create internal joy and more self love.
I’m doing that!

Is that the sun shining ?
Sure as hell is, and it’s 2024.
Clap clap because, It’s about to go down.
12 more months to create financial abundance.
Im doing that!

Alexa play Anita Baker, You Bring Me Joy!
Who is that dancing in the window?
It’s me, because I bring me joy.
12 more months to create that solo dance performance.
Im doing that!

Shit!
Your son is getting married in 4months.
You heard me, 4 months!
Weight Watchers app, can I get a clap
Clap?
4 more months to look extra good and 8 more months to feel like I’m Hollywood!
I’m doing that!

The journal is open to create more stories.
Traveling more to see what else is in store.
You wrote a story from the heart in 15 minutes and won that contest.
Shut up! Who did that?
12 more months to dedicate time to writing, reading and expressing.
Yes, you!
I’m doing that!

Don’t you think you’re doing a lot?
What?? One son overcame his panic attacks , stuttering and is 29 , a plumber and getting married.
The other son overcame having seizures and couldn’t talk for almost a year and has graduated music school and has an internship as an audio engineer.
Dam right Im doing a lot, cause im doing all of that!

Wow! You’re a mom now, and you’re 18 years old. Who would have thought that?

You just left high school and now you’re getting ready to be a mom. How is that even possible?

When you’re in high school, you have dreams of who you want to become as an adult. Being a mother at 18 wasn’t the plan.

July 30, 1994, your first son was born. February 15, 2002, your second son was born. Two sons and they are both great bundles of joy.

The day comes and your son decided to get married. He gets engaged and you’re so happy for him. Celebrating your child being engaged is totally different than actually seeing them get married.

Your son planned a wedding for May 2024, and decided last minute that he will have a small ceremony in City Hall beforehand. He calls to tell you he is getting married a little early.

Wow! Is this really happening? Your son is getting married. Your baby. He’s getting married in 2023. Right now? Today? No way!

Watching your child grow for 25 years and then seeing him carry his dresser out into a moving truck to go on his own. The tears roll down your face. You wipe it with pride. You’re okay.

The day comes and now he is walking down the aisle of City Hall to get married. The tears start to roll down your face again. Your son growing from a baby to a man in front of you daily, is the best feeling ever. Tears of joy is inevitable.

He holds his soon to be wife’s hand, and begins to say his vows. You’re looking and saying to yourself, “this is it; He’s all grown up. He is not a baby anymore. How?”

He looks at her and says “I do”. Tears roll down again. It’s all joy!

He’s married. He’s a man. He’s on his own.
It’s now Mr. & Mrs. This is the best day of my year.

You have nothing to worry about because he’s an amazing man, mature, loveable, ambitious, and resilient. Maybe you can put the mom
guard down just a tiny bit. Relax your shoulders. Release!

Moms, I want you to know that motherhood is ups and downs. It’s not always going to be oxtails smothered in gravy with rice and beans. But it will be delicious. Just make sure you have a tall glass of liquid to wash it down with.

He’s married. He’s happy. He’s smiling.

One of the biggest joys ever. I love you!

This is the best day ever! Congratulations Mr. & Mrs.

Dear beautiful woman,

You ever wake up most days, and you’re all smiles? Yeah, that’s a great feeling! The way I see it is, If you can get through 245 of the 365 days in a year being happy, then that’s a pretty good year to me. That possibly leaves you with 120 days of uncertainty.

How do you feel on a day-to-day basis? What are you thankful for when you wake up? Do you ever think for one second that you may not be here the next day? Scary thought, huh?

I woke up one morning in November of 2021, not feeling great. It was during the pandemic and I had a bad cough. I thought the Rona had taken hostage over me. It was just a miserable feeling. My body didn’t feel well. I knew something was wrong.

The doctor visit was a little bizarre to me. The doctor was prescribing medication to me without checking my lungs out with an x-ray. I asked the doctor “can I have an x-ray?” She replied” sure”. The X-ray results were in and it showed a shadow in my lungs. My body with a shadow didn’t make sense. What does that even mean? I tested negative for corona, strep, and flu. I could not figure out what was going on.

The insurance didn’t approve me yet for a CAT scan of my lungs. I felt a tug on my lungs, as if someone tapped me and said “we need a further examination”

Weeks later, I still didn’t feel well. I was at work feeling like I was having an anxiety attack. I never had one before so I couldn’t compare this feeling to anything else. My body was definitely speaking to me. I called an Uber and went straight to the hospital. My body was still tapping me and saying “get a CAT scan”. Sometimes your body can turn in t a Bully to make sure you understand it’s language.

“I can’t breathe, ma’am”, is what I stated to the doctor. To be honest, physically I could breathe fine but mentally, I could not. I decided to exaggerate just a little so I can get the answers that I was looking for. I was rushed into the machine and received a CAT scan of my lungs.

“FINALLY, let’s do this”, I said to my body. I could feel my heart beating in my chest. My body was still talking to me. After the scan, I was placed in the waiting room. Scans showed a mass that was near my heart since 2011, has become too big and I will need surgery to remove it.

I thought to myself “is this woman talking to me, because ain’t no way I had a mass since 2011 and I was never informed”. It’s 2020 now. I asked myself “could that be a mistake?”.

I continued to do further testing and was able to be seen by a surgeon. The surgeon stated that the cat scans show a mass near my heart and it needs to me removed.

I was alone in the doctors office trying not to cry. “I have two sons and I need to see them grow into the great young men that they are becoming”. I learned a true lesson of “when your body speaks, you need to listen”

My surgery was scheduled at another hospital. I couldn’t dare have surgery in a hospital that never informed me of my mass in the first place. My body rejected that surgeon and his theories.

With the help of my attorney that I worked for, I scheduled my surgery in the City for March 2022. I had an MRI on January 25th. That was my dads birthday. My body knew that I was going to be ok, just for the simple fact that I would get clear answers from a test that I am taking on my dads birthday. He passed in 2018 from colon cancer.

March 2021 came and I was cut open to hand my mass removed from around my heart. Once I was opened,unbox revealed that it was not near my heart, it was wrapped around my lung. It was huge. My body had a score of “3”and these hospitals scored “0”.
A thoracic surgeon was on board and he saved the day. I thought to myself “thank god I listened to my body. I would have never known”.

It was not a speedy recovery. I went from not knowing anything that was going on in my body to having a tumor that was non cancerous out of my body.

Healing was not easy. I had to go back to work while I was trying to heal. The people I worked for asked me “what’s taking you so long to heal?” A woman being cut down her breast, asking her what’s taking long to heal? Imagine that shit! I quit and didn’t look back.

I didn’t know that I had the strength to build myself back up. My body has been through plenty of other surgeries but not like this one. My lungs were collapsed during this surgery and that’s not easy. I didn’t know that it takes mental, emotional and physical strength to get yourself back together.

I have a scar down the middle of my breast and I felt that I would be embarrassed to show my body. It’s a scar of resilience, courage and fight. I fought for my body and I’m glad I did. I am not going to be embarrassed of what happened to my body ever. I’m here and I’m alive.

Listen to your body at all times. It speaks to you, because you simply wouldn’t know.