I cry most nights thinking I’m not good enough for this world. I make myself believe that I’m not worthy enough to be loved or cared for. I feel like I’m in quicksand and I can’t get out or that I’m under water and the pressure is pulling me in and I can’t get out. Maybe that’s why I never learned how to swim because I’m scared of not getting out. I hid my depression since I don’t remember when I gotten really good at faking a smile and showing people I’m ok but in reality I’m not, I’m scared to disappoint because I never heard anyone say they are proud of me, I’m scared to love because I never gotten pure love from anyone not a friend, significant other, sibling, or parent it was always tough love because I was taught that being truly loved always becomes a disaster. I hear my parents arguing everyday since I was little it never stopped only gotten worse once I fully grown up, I never realized until now how broken my parents are and how they project it on me, how my mom belittles me and later argues because it gives her power over me the words and tone she represents she knows affects me and she likes it, she’s a force. My dad is just a narcissist who likes to control and throw out people, who not only couldn’t take care of his family but he was the main to break us. I guess that’s where my brother learned it from the uncontrollable range and using then throwing out people. I feel like a stranger in my own home. I don’t belong here. I cry most nights in the bathroom. I don’t tell anyone because I don’t want to be a burden. I think about how life became after a while and how broken I am. I just want to leave and start new. The anxiety and depression that has happened over the years I don’t think it would stop not until I make a change, I used to cry for my mother’s love, crave my father’s affection, expect my brother to support but that was never the case with them I don’t want to be like them ever I want to be better. I am in quicksand that’s only getting worse and worse, I dream about being underwater or having broken teeth, my anxiety takes over and there’s nothing I can do about it. Uncontrollable breath, lungs getting tighter, head pounding, hands shaking. I can’t ask for help from my own family because they think it’s a phase and it’ll be over but it’ll only be over once I’m gone. The black hole I carry in my mind sucks all good in my life and I let it be how stupid of me. The silent panic attacks I get from time to time shows how much stress I’m in and I can’t stop myself. The distraction I cause doesn’t even work. It’s hard to do so in a household of toxicity. One bedroom, broken handles, crippling walls, I don’t even have a room for privacy, parents yelling in front of me, brother nowhere to be seen for fifteen years not even a “hi how you doing” I’m tired of everything I just want to leave and start new. I cry most nights in silence so no one can hear me. I bottle up everything because I rather hurt myself than hurt someone else. I know it’s wrong to do either. I just wish it gets better sooner than when it’s too late. I hope to overcome and escape this nightmare and see some light shed soon.

I’d always believed that if I shared blood with a vulture
Then surely I was just like them;
The ones that slip beneath the surface and devour you
Before you are dead
Because surely, if they can’t have patience
Then I must be a monster too.

But now that we know that true vultures don’t engage in torture
And feed their lust by feeding off the innocent
This is no circle of life, it is a cycle of hell.

True vultures eat the deceased, so they cannot be monsters
And you aren’t one either,
The mistakes that you made were paved by fate
And while they are stains already made,
It is not a adultery to your kind
To love the vultures for who they are,
and hating the monsters for what they’re not,
Nor loving yourself, for being a true vulture.

Something I’ve learned
Is that Sometimes I think I’m cursed, Because there’s this shadow that follows me. 

That most would consider an inevitability, but to me it’s a fiend, 

An enemy that would take my innocence away from me, similar to the destruction of Helene in my home of western NC

Death.
It all started with my mother, when I was just a kid,
My little worried eyes watched as she slowly got more sick Though we didn’t understand,
her death, unplanned, she knew when she’d go,
So she wrote us all letters to let us all know,

 … she loved us, And we finally knew when we saw her coffin on the stand,

She was an unlucky one.
this was just the beginning of our family being undone,
death our constant companion from day one.

Its unfortunate but most men in my family die young, 
I watched helplessly as my brother became one. 

Thinking he was invincible as he flirted with death,The somber silence of hearing as the phone rung,
a call we hoped never to get.

we are the ones always riding behind the hearse,

I had to sit by and watch my grandmother cry, wishing she wasn’t alive,as she had seen another of her angels die
.
Because I was left Helpless to bring back the dead,
wishing in my head, that it could of been me instead, 

like life the cycle only started over again. Things stayed tough, 

Because as if we hadn’t been through enough,
we were barely able to grieve for those we loved…

My grandmother hiding the family Bible, saying it was bad luck, all the names and death dates written in the front.

I was home four days from school
hoping to enjoy the summer sun,
When death …claimed another one.

This time it was my uncle,
my grandmother’s youngest son,
only in his fifties.
His heart was not up to snuff
he fell,
Because the woman with him,
left him without help, to die by himself.

For us to find where he’d lain those four days,
The smell still makes me sick to this day
a month later my aunt too passed away following my uncle to the grave.
Another fallen one, Another cursed son,
More fear of who will be the next to come.

Cursed through life to always live and worry who’s next to die.

I know you’re thinking about who you will become & what you will do.
Little me, know that it’s all up to you.

Know that sometimes things will get rough.
People might tell you that you are not tough.
Little me, know that you’re more than enough.

I know that the future can make you worry.
Life passes so quickly that it can be blurry.
Little me, know that there’s no need to hurry.

You have time to figure out your career, 
so remember to always just let God steer.
Little me, with Him, there’s no need to fear.

There’s no need to fear the unknown,
before you know it, you’ll be all grown. 
Little me, you won’t have to do it alone.

Life will be hard, but don’t be scared.
You’re not alone, I am always right there.
Little me, I promise I’m not going anywhere.

Dear little me,
I am stopping by to say:
“You no longer have to carry the heavy stuff; I am here now.”
The things that concern you about the future, are being worked out and in favor of your purpose. Worry not! The character traits that you think are your weaknesses turn out to be your strengths and little lady you’ll develop quite a knack for playing to your strengths. Your uniqueness has been the most uncomfortable part of your childhood/adolescent years and yet will be the very thing that has a positive impact on every room you enter in your adult life. Even the parts of you that struggle with the complex nature of your emotions and being vulnerable with others, find a way to be so transparent that it’ll become your most powerful tool for growth and development. You lack the ability to see your inner beauty because you are not confident in your external appearance. However, this is soon to be counteracted by your love for individualism and fashion. Then enhanced by your spiritual practice of accepting yourself at every stage and season of your life. Falling in love with your mind will do wonders for your level of communication and understanding self. Therefore, understanding others better. The fear that you’ll be lazy or unproductive is a complete myth in the future. You hold the title of “Jill of all trades” and at a point in your life, you wear roughly three different hats a day. Every goal you set out to accomplish, you execute. Be not so hung up on deadlines. ALL happens in proper timing. No need to worry. In the future you find it in your heart to celebrate the life of your mother opposed to being consumed by the pain of her passing. You learn to be grateful for everything you have in advance and the balance of every season because you find acceptance of your favor. As the saying goes, “To whom much is given, much is required.” You grow into a conscious, accountable, wise, intentional and highly creative young woman. Worry not my love, you are a warrior!
I Love You….
Though you don’t always feel loved, know that I love you!

No one saw you stare out that window
And lose yourself in the wind-
They never noticed those blades for nails
You replaced to survive while
Replacing such horrors from your fairy tales
It is your escape now, and you’ll understand soon
Those birds that nest in your bed
Are vultures and they tear you to shreds;
Just because they are blood does not mean you owe them love,
A myth that is destroying you,
You have every right to be confused and to cry
In the arms of yourself when Mom’s not around
That animal breaks all your bones,
And while she wastes time out the house,
Your fear is his throne;

And while he cries wolf
You lick your own wounds
That doctor who should’ve protected you
Feeds on your pain-
Lovely girl, people are refusing to see all those
Horrors inside your world
Like the monsters that hide under a child’s bed when they sleep
Though it would always be a dream,
For you this is different
And people aren’t who they claim to be
The one in your closet is real
And it’s scary
And you’re anything at all but the cage of a word “crazy”
I know that your memory is hazy
Just know that doing nothing to stop it
Does not make you lazy
Oh Ellie, it makes you stronger than diamonds
And shinier than gold
And brighter than the shooting stars you wish upon
And a price that can never be sold;

You pray every night that those monsters that
People call blood are nothing but
Swordsman with the kindest of words
You make sure to name every name of these people-
Who claim that they love you,
And Baby Girl, I hate to break it to you-
But love does not mean begging for forgiveness,
And it doesn’t mean letting him have his way with you,
And it doesn’t mean accepting that maybe you’re worthless,
Because you are anything but this
Ellie, your light is so much bigger than
You dare to understand
It makes sense that you throw it away
Don’t blame yourself for feeling cold
You lose yourself in the plaster above you
Because it’s all you’ve ever known;

Ellie my dearest,
You’re a princess in shining armor
Etched in perfection
It’s not their business what lives beneath that skirt-
And please do not blame yourself for
Not knowing why this is happening
And when they tear at your gowns
Just know it is FAR from flattery
You are beautiful and chosen
The fabric of life that you’ve woven
And the seams that they’re ripping with ease
And with greed and while crying
They destroy your castle of a body
Ellie, you’re not a temptation at 8 years old
You were also never asking for it
You were just doing what you were told;

And Ellie my love,
Your lips were crafted to bring judgment
Speak poetry
Sing sonnets-
Your hands were made to paint murals
Build castles

Change planets-
Your mind has been gifted to hail justice
Fight fire
Love endless-
Ellie I promise you this:
It is going to be okay,
Someday you’ll be safe,
You’ll get it when you’re 20 years old,
And you only have the animals to blame.

Sincerely, You from The Future

Hello, 
Little girl with a dream & a hope for a better tomorrow:
I see you sitting there on the porch steps crying as your parents seem to be crashing down behind you. 

One thing that you don’t get told enough is that you are bright, you are smart & that you are beautiful but most importantly…. 
You have the rest of your life ahead of you. 

I understand that this life does seem like a strange dream indeed & that sometimes it feels like there are two strangers inside of that house fighting but I see you holding everything in your arms that you’ve held onto for all of these years so far… 

A pink rabbit, well worn at the face with so much love that you’ve carried her with you & you named her Pinky many years ago. 

When the screaming gets louder, just hold her tighter. Allow her to soak up your tears when you don’t have a shoulder to cry on. 

As you go through life you’re going to face the turbulence between your parents & you will learn what it’s like to feel the room before even stepping into it. 

Take everything for what it is but never identify with any of it because these are all just growing pains my love. 

What doesn’t kill you tonight will make you stronger tomorrow, 
I promise, Rocky. 

The day will come when you put Pinky on the shelf for the final time & you will pull out your pen & you will bleed out everything on paper that this life has inflicted upon you through pain & agony, generational curses, but only you have the power to change your own outcome oh young eager mortal who just yearns to learn more about life, God & what it all even means. 

One day, you will be able to walk through those same flames that are behind you right now & you’ll be able to acknowledge reality for what it truly is & you will look into the flaming eyes of those demons without backing down or feeling triggered.

You will find your own fire within those flames & you will find your voice to speak your own truth. 🖤🔥

When you are young
The main question is always 
What do you want to be when you grow up?
With much hope and optimism 
We strive to become
Who we very much envisioned 
Along the way 
We may get knocked down
Or disappointed 
That’s why it is truly important 
To stay in the present 
Committing ourselves to deadlines 
And timelines as to when we think
We should have accomplished 
Something in particular 
Is pure suicide
Leading one to be drained mentally 
Grow up they say
Become an adult they say
But they never say live
Live in the moment 
Be present in your youth
So that you can have a future 
A future that you don’t have to recover from
‘Cause trauma is real
Healing can be a journey 
Never worry about the future 
Though your future 
Is in your hands 
Never feel the need to be pressured 
Into planning it all out at once
Forgive yourself along the way
No one is perfect 
Give yourself credit
For always doing your best
No matter the outcome 
Again, never worry
Your future will be the story you tell 
The way it is supposed to be
Without feeling guilty!

My precious one, do not fear

If you only knew,

The greater & greater that lies ahead.

You wouldn’t take a second longer to dwell on the issues at hand

My precious one, please understand

I am protecting you

I am providing for you

I even factor in what you think you cannot do.

My precious one,

You are so much more beautiful than you realize

Oh if you could see through My eyes.

The forces trying to tear you down,

It will not last,

For there will come a day,

When you will see what I see.

That you are My masterpiece!

I behold you as my exquisite pearl

You are a rare beauty like no one else,

You are not stupid or dumb,

Those were lies wrongly spoken over you,

Oh My precious one,

One day the miry clay will be washed away,

And what will then appear,

Is the jewel, that I had hidden under My wings,

Oh My beloved,

All the lies and pain will be swept away

For when you come to Me,

And I hold you close,

It is then, that you shall clearly see,

I created you, in likeness of Me,

Therefore, there is no mistake,

Only beauty, strength and grace.

Oh precious one,

May all fear be abolished in the name of My Son,

For in His death and resurrection,

The battle was won

So all worry, all fear, and every lie that was told,

Has no power, no substance, and it can no longer have a hold

Oh My precious one,

Look ahead, and see what I see,

All lies exposed, then fear must go!

And when that happens,

The landscape awaits,

Endless opportunity before you,

You shall live in freedom,

No longer bound

Your mind completely sound

My precious one,

This right now, will soon pass,

For every facet of every day,

Has intricate purpose in all I created you to be.

These days of pain, soon will be nothing more than a memory.

So, I say to you; Have no fear,

Because I am greater than all this.

None of this is in vain,

And there will be purpose in every pain

For the plan for your life,

I know from beginning to end,

And what is ahead,

Is what I already planned.

For I knew before you even were conceived

That you are a delicate woman, yet strong and mighty,

I knew you would be strong enough,

To endure each level,

For the places I will take you and teach you to fight,

And then at the right time,

You will be ready for flight.

Higher and higher, more than you ever imagined,

I will raise you up to the mountain top

For you are My mighty warrior,

My beautiful princess bride,

Your beginnings were humble,

You were lowly and meek,

But as you passed every test,

I saw you bloom and grow,

I saw you strive and push,

I knew that you would be,

My beloved, faithful and true,

Walking in surrender, heart full of love,

My precious daughter,

You conquered all fears in the strength I gave you

I knew you would always push through,

You brought all glory back to Me,

You bowed at My feet.

I smile My daughter as I look at you.

You came through it all.

My precious one.

May 24, 2024

The Future, it’s just around the corner, it’s just beyond your reach, surely it’s something you’d very much like to breach. Though thoughts of it may cause some concern, attempt to address that with what you’ve already learned. Although the future is truly unknown, instead of fretting over it consider how well you’ve grown. You’ve reached the future many times before, and God willing you’ll reach it at least once more. Hopefully you’ll go into it with good health, genuine love and remarkable wealth, but The Future is not fully in your control, so worrying about it will only take its toll.

Here as I am, young as could be
Naive to the world
Still assuming good-heartedness in humanity
Still a hopeful child supposed to be carefree
Yet an emotional crutch is what’s seeken
To be without guidance
Facing, fighting turmoil without any alliance

As I wanted to make my parents proud
I wanted parents I could be proud of
As much as I longed for true friends
I felt loneliness in crowds
As I searched for love & acceptance
Real connections were experienced in bouts

I looked for comfort
in my providers, partners & past
Only to realize the evolution
I needed would project me fast
Into thy future self, one unrecognizable
But at the same time never more in tune with my predestined time table

Little me, little would I know
Blissful memories are but fleeting
Relationships may exist for only a season
& the happiness you feel could be so misleading
But as you evolve & become your own
This life you lead will be uplifting

Purging all vices has proven worthy
Practicing forgiveness for my misjudgment & worry
But beware, processing emotions & confrontation will deem weary

I feel just a tad depleted
Giving more than receiving
It’s being shown efforts are not being reciprocated freely
It’s time to call power back to source
Energy back to self
Focusing on my mental, emotional, & spiritual health

Trials and tribulations one’s come to know
This new person has looked in the mirror & acknowledged all we’ve done to grow
Alone but not lonely
Grounded and safe
No longer living life with the need to hesitate
Now guided by my abilities, my angels, my faith

It’s in the present moment
& awareness of self that I will concentrate
All in all, this life I live is simply just great
If there was ever a need to worry
Please let it dissipate

Oh to my younger self
Release all worry and attachment
Let your family, friends, future go
It’s not as if the future is even yours to know
Everything will fall into place
This life will be the most colorful story & Your younger self is just the preface

Counting down to proms and graduations,
Students running to and fro–
One question plagued my adolescent brain:
How could I continue when there was so much I didn’t know?

People told me I was smart,
“Just like her siblings,” they’d say.
But for all my potential and book smarts‐
I was still stuck in my own way.

Struggling to embrace myself in the present,
Always trying to appear impressive,
It felt like life was crushing me into the ground,
And so I began to recede without making a sound.

I withdrew inward, convinced no one would notice,
To disappear would have been my only wish.
I felt sure the world was swallowing me whole,
And who would really care if I happened to go?

How I wish I could put my arms around that 17 year old,
And let her know that she could be bold.
I’d tell her: the things that she worried about
Were not a checklist of choices everyone else had all figured out.

Her nerves were valid,
her feelings allowed,
And wanting to love herself
Did not make her “too” proud.

I’d hold her until she knew she didn’t have to simply survive,
Until she felt‐ truly felt- that in this life she could thrive.
That even though it seemed that she’d lost her drive,
There were still so many reasons to stay alive.

I wish I could give her a key
Some magic word that would fill life with glee.
But I think I would tell her the secret
Isn’t in some lofty work position or college leaflet.

That throughout her life it would be
The people around her that would help her feel freed
From the weight of expectations,
Of turning into someone else’s “successful” creation.

The people who would see her heart,
Who would champion her softness and art,
Who would be there for the steps between finish and start,
And would help her believe in the path only she could chart.

Time wasn’t running out, the world wasn’t ending
But she could start anew to find herself and leave behind pretending
That she had to live her life like anyone else,
Suppressing her true desires like being under a spell.

Eventually, she’ll discover a way to break the hourglass
And know that the best moments of life
Are when time stands still,
And you let yourself BE.

Dear Diana,

It’s your choice, die or live filled with patience and self love. Love yourself so much that even when you want to die, that love will save you. As you navigate through the challenges of growing up, you may feel lost and without purpose at times. In these moments, thoughts of giving up may start dancing in your head, but it’s crucial to choose positive thoughts over negative ones, go for a walk or cried as you like, this two activities will always heal you.
You shouldn’t be worried about the future, it is bright for you. I know you little stubborn, you never give up, you can be scared, you can be lost, but your strength comes from your connection with the universe, and I love it. Thank you, thank you for dreaming, thank you for being you, thank you for bringing me here today.