There were times in my life,
When I really felt like my existence was unimportant, like I was just back ground music while being stuck inside of my own head as I went about my day, in a world where everything was so overwhelming, I screamed inside of the TV, they saw me but laughed & hit the mute button. It was as though nothing was real or even existed, much less mattered.

My life was one giant TV & I was looking straight at my life like a spiraling, emotional roller coaster some might also have watched as a late night soap opera but none of it was real, much less valid.

I was just there unattached as I stand there watching my life & family pass me by at a young age.
I suppose I overlooked a lot of things I don’t even remember.

My dad would curse God & break things.
My mother was indeed a narcissist so these reactions would fire her up & I was the one who took care of her during her darkest hours of addiction.

I was there but was framed a lot from my father. I was called words like “freak” or “retarded” I learned at a young age not to cry out as victim everytime these darkest hours would return to me again.
I was told to silence my feelings unless I had something worth saying so I quit speaking & shut myself down.

There is a lifetime of Hell beneath the surface, so much blood & lava I spilled along the way after I left that place.

I look back at my ashes that I bled now & I saw a mirror & myself & everything that was ever behind me looking right back at me.
I had no choice but to turn around, to travel & face it all over again.
The same trail of blood I just wanted to leave behind, I had no choice but to go back to that place of anguish just to find myself all over again.

I cross paths again of times when I experienced fires so wild,
The smoke was so strong & I had no choice but to leave that past version of myself behind.

As the smoke began to clear I see this little girl crying on the porch steps of a home that is burning, it’s literally on fire but she’s still sitting on the steps, I have so many questions but wonder why she is just sitting there on the porch steps of a home that is falling down into flames behind her.

I watched as the ashes pepper down, surrounding us both I took hold of that little girl & I held onto her as though it was all a strong storm.

I finally held her face in my hands & I saw her tears run down from her blue eyes as we locked eyes.

She could speak again because she finally felt safe within her world of chaos.

She told me that I needed to go back into that burning house & find her mother who is very sick & that it’s up to me to save her.

I go inside to find that her dad is gone & this woman is sitting on the sofa watching the latest soap opera of my life, crosses built with fire & agony covers the walls & I ask her if she is afraid of dying as she lights up another cigarette.

She stares at the TV with judgment in her eyes & she tells me that I can do better.

Everything blows up into flames & it sends me back into a completely different timeline & I was not aware that I even exist in, this is my life now?

I didn’t believe in God up until now… I finally feel alive.

I have created my own path to meet eye to eye with God & what that all even means.

Growing up, I was always a sinner, I was born within a world of sin so without salvation through Jesus Christ I would only burn in hell.

It brought me so many questions & pain as a little kid I would look at the cross on my bedroom wall & pray to God at night that I was good enough & would someday make it into heaven.

Some days I just wanted to die so I could go to heaven & be in a better place.

I detached myself from organised religion all together after going through many dark phases beginning at a young age, younger versions of myself rebuked the thought of God or what it even means to be moving all of these piles of destroyed items aside from what I was raised to believe & finding my own path through spirituality. 🖤🔥