Hello, 
Little girl with a dream & a hope for a better tomorrow:
I see you sitting there on the porch steps crying as your parents seem to be crashing down behind you. 

One thing that you don’t get told enough is that you are bright, you are smart & that you are beautiful but most importantly…. 
You have the rest of your life ahead of you. 

I understand that this life does seem like a strange dream indeed & that sometimes it feels like there are two strangers inside of that house fighting but I see you holding everything in your arms that you’ve held onto for all of these years so far… 

A pink rabbit, well worn at the face with so much love that you’ve carried her with you & you named her Pinky many years ago. 

When the screaming gets louder, just hold her tighter. Allow her to soak up your tears when you don’t have a shoulder to cry on. 

As you go through life you’re going to face the turbulence between your parents & you will learn what it’s like to feel the room before even stepping into it. 

Take everything for what it is but never identify with any of it because these are all just growing pains my love. 

What doesn’t kill you tonight will make you stronger tomorrow, 
I promise, Rocky. 

The day will come when you put Pinky on the shelf for the final time & you will pull out your pen & you will bleed out everything on paper that this life has inflicted upon you through pain & agony, generational curses, but only you have the power to change your own outcome oh young eager mortal who just yearns to learn more about life, God & what it all even means. 

One day, you will be able to walk through those same flames that are behind you right now & you’ll be able to acknowledge reality for what it truly is & you will look into the flaming eyes of those demons without backing down or feeling triggered.

You will find your own fire within those flames & you will find your voice to speak your own truth. 🖤🔥

There were times in my life,
When I really felt like my existence was unimportant, like I was just back ground music while being stuck inside of my own head as I went about my day, in a world where everything was so overwhelming, I screamed inside of the TV, they saw me but laughed & hit the mute button. It was as though nothing was real or even existed, much less mattered.

My life was one giant TV & I was looking straight at my life like a spiraling, emotional roller coaster some might also have watched as a late night soap opera but none of it was real, much less valid.

I was just there unattached as I stand there watching my life & family pass me by at a young age.
I suppose I overlooked a lot of things I don’t even remember.

My dad would curse God & break things.
My mother was indeed a narcissist so these reactions would fire her up & I was the one who took care of her during her darkest hours of addiction.

I was there but was framed a lot from my father. I was called words like “freak” or “retarded” I learned at a young age not to cry out as victim everytime these darkest hours would return to me again.
I was told to silence my feelings unless I had something worth saying so I quit speaking & shut myself down.

There is a lifetime of Hell beneath the surface, so much blood & lava I spilled along the way after I left that place.

I look back at my ashes that I bled now & I saw a mirror & myself & everything that was ever behind me looking right back at me.
I had no choice but to turn around, to travel & face it all over again.
The same trail of blood I just wanted to leave behind, I had no choice but to go back to that place of anguish just to find myself all over again.

I cross paths again of times when I experienced fires so wild,
The smoke was so strong & I had no choice but to leave that past version of myself behind.

As the smoke began to clear I see this little girl crying on the porch steps of a home that is burning, it’s literally on fire but she’s still sitting on the steps, I have so many questions but wonder why she is just sitting there on the porch steps of a home that is falling down into flames behind her.

I watched as the ashes pepper down, surrounding us both I took hold of that little girl & I held onto her as though it was all a strong storm.

I finally held her face in my hands & I saw her tears run down from her blue eyes as we locked eyes.

She could speak again because she finally felt safe within her world of chaos.

She told me that I needed to go back into that burning house & find her mother who is very sick & that it’s up to me to save her.

I go inside to find that her dad is gone & this woman is sitting on the sofa watching the latest soap opera of my life, crosses built with fire & agony covers the walls & I ask her if she is afraid of dying as she lights up another cigarette.

She stares at the TV with judgment in her eyes & she tells me that I can do better.

Everything blows up into flames & it sends me back into a completely different timeline & I was not aware that I even exist in, this is my life now?

I didn’t believe in God up until now… I finally feel alive.

I have created my own path to meet eye to eye with God & what that all even means.

Growing up, I was always a sinner, I was born within a world of sin so without salvation through Jesus Christ I would only burn in hell.

It brought me so many questions & pain as a little kid I would look at the cross on my bedroom wall & pray to God at night that I was good enough & would someday make it into heaven.

Some days I just wanted to die so I could go to heaven & be in a better place.

I detached myself from organised religion all together after going through many dark phases beginning at a young age, younger versions of myself rebuked the thought of God or what it even means to be moving all of these piles of destroyed items aside from what I was raised to believe & finding my own path through spirituality. 🖤🔥

JOURNEY BACK HOME
I realize now, that I AM worth fighting for.
Not others fighting for me, but I am worth it to fight for myself, and in doing that I refuse to go back to the things, and people that have broke me time and time again.

I refuse to allow anything, or anyone, to mold me into who, or what, they want, or need, me to be, because I have now set boundaries.

I love myself enough to quit certain habits, and in return understand who I am, and why I feel the need to run away from myself, to face myself, to find love in myself, and respect for myself.

I’m still pretty new to this journey, and I’m not sure if there is one single ultimate outcome to this transition, but I do know that the more I love myself, to see myself, my body, my flaws, my scars with the same eyes that a mother has when her son has returned back home safe from the streets, and this time for good, I kind of just want to kick my dirty, sole worn shoes off and leave them outside of the door before coming back home to myself, because it is a dirty world out there.

My heart is sacred.
It has loved so many others without being loved back and in return, it has shattered time and time again, leaving me empty, but I show up for myself today to fill my cup back up, and take a good old sip of a tea I like to call self love.

I kind of just want to take a hot bath, and cook myself a good meal, something that I like and enjoy to nourish my body, because I deserve that.

I find myself now often times listening to songs and turn the volume all the way up, because the song makes my soul soar, and it allows inspiration to flow through me like nothing else can.

It’s so nice no longer worrying if the song is too loud for others, it’s so nice not walking on broken glass when it comes to displeasing others wants, expectations, and needs from me.

It has taken me 30 years to realize that I am enough, and then some.
That I am beautiful, if it wasn’t for my darkest hours in life I wouldn’t shine as bright as I do today, and with that I am able to be a guiding light for those who are where I used to be.

And sometimes I look back at that girl, who stood there alone just trying to seek validation from others, who wanted nothing more than to use up every fiber of her being, and I give her a hug.

Going back and giving that lost soul a hug is what has taught me about self love more than anything, because I show up today as the same person she needed then, but didn’t have it in herself at the time to be that for herself.

The day that I set boundaries and quit allowing people to use me I quit looking for validation from strangers, and I have in return built up the courage to tell the one looking back at me that she is worth it, that she is strong, that she is loved, because I love her.
I look back at pieces of myself I have shed along the way, and each bit of what has made me the woman that I am today.

I’m not afraid to say no.

Not afraid to distance myself from anything that no longer serves me.
I’m not afraid to speak my mind.
I’m no longer bending myself out of shape just to be what someone else wants me to be, or needs me to be.