A deep current runs, unseen, yet always felt, beneath the calm surface, where dark secrets dwell.
A fading light, a choice once made, the crushing weight of what was, now laid bare for me. A quiet struggle with a shadow’s rise, on a stage where eyes meet the skies. A constant hum of endless need, Questions linger, like seeds to breed. The fragile shield, nearly worn through, a blessing turned to burden’s hue.

Then, a sudden chill in a shared space.
A word like a stone cast into the waters.
The bright colors of belief now muted.
A question hangs, unheard: Is this real?
And so the mind gently retreats, a soft step back, drifting motion, no turning back.
With the body present, moving throughout the day, while consciousness finds its own distant shore a walk to a necessary vanishing, a breath of nothing.

Underneath this skin
lies uncertainty wanting clarity
fear to put one step in front
sabotaging energy
love from own heartbeat
overload of anxieties
overwhelming sensation
of healing clogged pores

Underneath all the wounds
lies beauty in progress
strength in training
courage in action
love in veins
clarity in pores

Oh brain
why must you
feel this pain
I try to heal
the cause root
even when its
been a long commute

why must you
choose to be blue
when it leaves
for an overcast
type of mood

I wish you
would simply calm
when gently rested
on my palm

Special Note: This is a song that God gave me. It is simple and easy to learn. I’m sorry, but I’m not able to share a tune. This is after Matthew 4:19 Follow Me and I will make you fisher of people, (NIV)

Song:
Jesus said, “Follow Me, Follow Me all the days of your life. Follow Me, Follow Me now! I come from Heavenly Father to die upon the cross. To save you from your sins because I love you as the Father does. So, Follow Me, Follow Me now!

Jesus said, “Follow Me, Follow Me, all the days of your life. Follow Me, Follow Me Now! For the world is truly angry. So, tell of His scripture and tell of his might. Tell of His glories from up above. So, Follow Me, Follow Me now!

Jesus said, “Follow Me, Follow Me all the days of your life. Follow Me, Follow Me now! I come from Heavenly Father to die upon the cross. To save you from your sins because I love you as the Father does. So, Follow Me, Follow Me now!

In the stillness, a man sits alone,
Twiddling thumbs, lost in thought’s heavy stone.
The weight of desire twists like a vine,
For the comfort of medicine, a lifeline divine.

Yet, in shadows of doubt, he grapples with fear,
Relying on others is a thought too austere.
The freedom he craves feels just out of reach,
While reservoirs run dry, with no hand to beseech.

Each moment weighs heavy, a silent despair,
For the solace he seeks is elusive, rare.
In the labyrinth of longing, he searches the sky,
Hoping for solace, though the well seems to dry.

In a bustling city, Max lived a carefree life, oblivious to his dwindling finances. He worked at a cozy bookstore, enjoying each day without a thought of his budget. One sunny Saturday, he strolled through the park, impulsively buying snacks and coffee without realizing the impact on his wallet.

When he lost his job due to budget cuts, Max remained unfazed, dreaming of grand adventures instead of facing reality. His concerned friends nudged him toward practical solutions, but he insisted everything would work out in its way. It wasn’t until his neighbor, Sarah, visited and laid out the truth that he began to understand his situation.

With her help, Max learned to budget and seek new job opportunities. Though he struggled at first, he gradually found joy in small victories. He discovered the importance of balancing dreams with responsibility, transforming his obliviousness into a newfound awareness that opened up a world of possibilities.

Lost for words, I wade through a pool of sand,
Where time drifts dimmer, like shadows hand in hand.
The whisper of the breeze carries a gentle sigh,
As the bowl of burdened thoughts is cleansed, set free to fly.

“Dear Mom”

This is gonna be hard for me mentally and I know you’re still here spiritually, but that doesn’t soften the blow that your no longer here physically
The reality has set in that I will never see you again, but if I’m lucky maybe just catch a glimpse of your reflection
As I stare into the sky, something whispers from behind, but I’ve lost all sense of direction
Just three weeks before you left, you looked me in my eyes, and I’ll never forget what you said, because it’s burned inside my mind, you said “bub, I’m not ready to leave this earth yet.” And I said “mom, please don’t worry.” Cuz the good Lord knows that I can’t make it without you, my future would just be blurry
I need you to know that I had no clue that I was lying, I was trying to lift your spirits and maybe we could both stop crying
I know you loved me to the moon, so I focus on the distance, now I’m sitting here alone, and I’m missing your existence!!

To some people a man is someone that tries so they do what it takes cuz they have to get by
To some people a man is someone that don’t quit even at the Rock bottom they just deal with it and they keep on going without having to knowing but they climb
out of the hole and continue to keep going
To some people a man is a guy that don’t cry he’s too tough to show emotion so he buries it inside but we know he has feelings that he hides in a place but no matter what it won’t show on his face
To some people a man is a full-time single mom who takes care of her kids cuz Daddy is gone and maybe he’s in the picture and maybe he’s not but we have to understand that Mommy goes through a lot
To some people a man is someone that puts food on the table who works day after day even if they’re not physically able and maybe their health has got them feeling weak but they’ll provide for their families even if they sell drugs in the street
To some people the man is someone that simply had enough and maybe it’s because he’s been through so much so he works up the courage and finally walks out and becomes brave enough to put a gun in his mouth

Maybe I am a monster
After all, I do scare you at times

Maybe I am untrustworthy
After all, even while making eye contact, that in which I say or do is still questionable

Maybe I am cold
After all, I’ve influenced tears to fall upon such a beautiful face more than once

Maybe I am immature
After all, I do allow myself to become lost within my Gemini energy quite often

Maybe I am selfish
After all, “I” has become the center of my L(I)FE, continuously neglecting you of the presence you once considered to be a friend- your best friend

Maybe it was all a mistake as you stated
After all, 10-11 years of friendship became undone with just a single choice, a single phrase, within a single moment

Maybe it was never true at all
After all, I was in a desperate phase of my life when I approached you in our high school’s library

Maybe I never truly loved you as much as I had declared

After all, whenever met with a certain aspect of yours, I tried to change it because I thought that it would make things better for me

Maybe I am a parasite
After all, you have been the financial powerhouse within our relationship and in your absence my ship would’ve sunken long ago

Maybe I am reckless
After all, I’ve been working since 2016, yet my savings account looks as if I just starting working last week

Maybe I am a murderer
After all, I’d watched you die internally when I decided that our marriage should be no more

Maybe I have a substance abuse issue
After all, I took a sip from a flask labeled “freedom” and have since grown addicted to its taste to the point that I’ve sabotaged and squandered countless opportunities in its pursuit

Maybe I am a dog
After all, I’ve allowed myself to become emotionally attached to other women, seeking feelings of completion, though you were always there

Maybe I lack empathy and compassion
After all, you told me of your fears, insecurities, and anxieties, yet Instead of consoling you as I had once done, I distanced myself as a means for me to maintain my higher vibes

Maybe the devil played a trick on you by placing me within your life as you stated

After all, look at how much I’ve disrupted, the chaos I’ve ensued

Maybe I am a coward
After all, I throw smoke bombs and vanish whenever conflict arises rather than indulging in acts of reconciliation

Maybe my presence within your life presented no benefits at all

After all, you’re still conflicted by the same things you were conflicted by when we first began

Maybe you shouldn’t have responded to that email I sent you, then we wouldn’t be where we are now

Maybe I was guided towards your light because my SOUL wanted to know what it would feel like to shine with another

Maybe this pain that we’re experiencing serves no purpose, or maybe it’s an indicator that peace is a possibility

Maybe this is the end of what I considered to be everything, or maybe this is the first chapter of the book we’ve desired to tell the tale of the lives we fantasized for ourselves

Maybe the chaos of this situation also holds within it a beauty like no other

Maybe these walls were meant to come crashing down, and this house burn til it’s no more so that we may finally build the home we each desire

Maybe this was never designed to stand the tests of time

Maybe the death of this marriage, this friendship, is what enlivens us

Maybe this is all by SO(U)L’S design
If so, then I’ve put myself through this pain with the intentions of realigning with “IT”

Through tears and confusion that seemed as if it would never end, I’ve finally arrived where I desired to be all along-HERE

Here and finally with love for who/what I AM becoming

Maybe that’s the message embedded in this marvelous disasterpiece we’ve painted- To return to ourselves

Special Note: In the following poem, we are studying Psalms in Bible Study, and this poem came to me. Pastor Jeremy Fort knows Hebrew, and he is very knowledgeable. He teaches us a lot. He helped me to organize my poem. There are only 150 Psalms in the Bible. God gave me this, and I felt for me it was my special verse, so I call it Psalms 151. If you don’t know a lot about Psalms, they use the word Y’all in several passages. Enjoy and God Bless.

Psalms 151
1. The glory of Yahweh,
2. Y’all, we are the sons and daughters of the world.
3. And our reward is to be His children.
4. Y’all, we once were lost, but now we are found.

See,
5. It is like the SON shining on our faces and hearts.
6. As such, we have salvation for our Nephesh.
7. Y’all, our blessings come from Jesus Christ, dying on the cross for us.
8. Y’all, our hearts and bodies jump for joy because of Jesus’ action.

Acts 4:12
12 Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.

In life’s dark underbelly, where the filthy hide,
A tale unfolds of hearts untried.
Where pain descends, it’s grip so tight,
A struggle fought both day and night.
Amidst the thick smoke, there’s a clouded maze,
Where the soul embarks on darkened days.
In search of purpose, and lost within,
Caught in Addictions Iron Sin.
A dance with fire, a twisted game,
To numb the ache, and hide the shame.
A battle waged within the mind,
A vicious fight, trapped in time.
The highs that once were pure and bright,
Now feel like darkness and sleepless nights.
What once brought joy, now brings despair,
Became a prisoner, all while unaware.
But I light remains, just a flicker still,
A strength within that bends his will.
And for every moment, and ever tear,
There’s a chance to heal and preservere.
To reach for hands that want to save,
And stray away from this promised grace.
So with support and strength, you will see,
True happiness awaits both you and me.
So let this poem be an inner voice,
That will win this battle, and give you a choice.

I need to find the reason why,
I walk this earth alone.
I need my life to find a purpose,
And a place to call home.
I’ve searched within and deep inside,
And lost myself again.
It really hurts to realize,
I am my only true friend.
What are friends? Where’s my family?
Not a soul to love or trust.
It’s desolate in this cruel reality,
Feel less than a speck of dust.
I’ve grown to be so easily forgotten,
Standing in plain sight.
I’ve strayed away from who I was,
I’ve lost my inner light.
I need to find the reason why,
Happiness does not exist.
I need to stop getting high,
But this craving will still persist.
If I ran away from here,
I can’t promise I’ll be back.
I might as well already be gone,
From this life I’ve become detached.

Being the single one
in the room full of healing tools
Can be extremely overwhelming.
Yet, breaking cycles is far more fulfilling.
Feeling the breeze of peace
Flow thru the cracks of walls
Lets me know, I can’t break a fall.

630 in the morning
Mind is swirling
Twirling with dreams
Swaying with possibilities

Self sabotage peaks
Thru the shades
Hoping to jump thru that window & crush such

Flipping the script
is what motivates one
to fulfill these dreams.
These goals.
These self improvements.

Courage.
Let’s go!

Check in with
those closest to you.
Okay. I will.
It’s just who I’ve become.
Checks messages,
Casper feeling.
Nothing.
Am I not that
Important
As I consider you?
Am I not worth
The seconds it takes
As I give to you?

Check in with
those closest to you.
Nah. I’m good.
Let them come
to me.

Those who love and live in Christ have a better chance at everlasting life with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Sons and Daughters arrive in the light. Peace within and not in fright. He cares for us more than we delight—struggles of each day cause the heart to steal away. In the darkness of the serpent’s path, we fight and argue in dismay.
But once we find that perfect Holy place, we no longer need to be afraid. God’s love is great, strong, and sure. We know He will protect us each day. We must remember to stop and pray. Asking for help with every little thing that we do and say. To make sure Satin does not get in the way. His light is in us, and darkness is far away. Thank you, God, for all that you do.

How precious is the life we have? The savior came and bled for thee. The cross to bear so we may live with the Gardner for eternity. As humans go, we must ask for help along the way. He is there just for us; all we must do is stop and pray. You God our 3 in 1 The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit for your everlasting love that set us free, salvation born, salvation dies so we can grow love and live with Christ.

A silver dove stretched out its shimmering wings and flew across the midnight sky. Wings touched the sky’s luminaries; the past’s remnants became transient. It gently glides to the earth like a bolide. The dove was beautiful as it played, cooing and swaying to each star. At one point in his flight, he kissed the moon’s hue. This happy little dove turned and looked at me. He gently came, landed on my shoulder, kissed my cheek, and left in the glistening of the moonlight. Never have I seen such a beautiful sight. I understood that a generous gift of God’s love was bestowed on me that night. I knew then I was in his care. I was to spread the story of God’s unfailing love.

Boundaries mean I don’t have to people-please to keep the peace around me.
Boundaries mean I can use my voice—and finally stand up for me.
Boundaries mean I’m no longer bothered by those who are no longer around me.
Boundaries mean I’ve made peace with being alone, even when I feel the urge to flee.

Boundaries are understanding that fight-or-flight is no longer the rhythm of me.
Boundaries are not needing to jump out of a moving car just to feel free.
Boundaries are no longer dreaming of screaming in a crowd that can’t hear me.
Boundaries are no longer disassociating from the feeling of being absentee