Hey you,
I know you wanted him to tell you more, but you’re beautiful.
I know the pain overwhelmed you, I know it hurts. I’m sorry you’ve heard more lies than apologies.
I know you.
I know you have secrets, I know your smile hides it all so well.
I know you laugh so loud & cry so quietly.
I know you.
I know you love so deeply and care so much. I know your weakness.
I know the darkness controlled you, I know it stole your joy.
But you are a light.
I know you.
I know you pray for the storms to end, I know you pray for love. I know you pray for peace. I know you pray for strength.
I know your prayers will be answered.
I know you are a blessing.
I know you had times that were depressing.
I know you wanted him to say it, but I love you.
I know you are impatient, I know you’re tired of waiting.
I know you.
I know you’re hoping this will end soon, I know you want to give up. I know it’s harder to wait.
I know you drown yourself in work, to escape your thoughts.
I know you have insecurities.
I know you have scars that are visible & ones they’ll never see.
I know you hide behind your beauty.
I know you’ve been tested
Some you have passed, many you have failed.
I know you are healing. I know you are strong.
I know you are brave, you are bold.
I know you are beautiful.
Listen, I know you.

Self,
I wish I had the time to sit with you at a young age and prepare you for what was coming. How bad I wanted to nurture you, hold you and slowly ease you into what living on Earth really is like. Maybe that is why I was given a daughter. A second chance. An opportunity to teach you, support you and love you how you were supposed to have been loved. I wish I could have been an accessible guide from the moment you came into the world.. Today, I write from the future self to my past self as well as to the woman I am raising. May the words that I wish someone told me empower her.
Let me start by telling you one important, yet powerful thing. You were born a baby girl to become a woman. That is deep and has power to it. Women were given the gift of birth, many magical, spiritual energy is in our wombs. We create life and then we heal from the process. From the start we are asked to always be on the go. We are asked to become strong and dismiss how we feel. We are asked to put others first and rest later. We will be told no. But no is only the determination you need to keep going. You will be restricted. You will be told how to dress, how to act, and what to look like. Baby girl, I am here to tell you that they are all wrong.
When you were born, you were born with choice. Freedom. Beauty. Abundance. Faith. You were given a fresh new start. God made you different from others but yet we are all the same. You were born in a beautiful world, one with adversity among other challenges. You were taught to survive and put feelings and emotions aside. But that does not always work for everyone. I want to tell you to feel, to cry, to laugh, to fall in love. I want you to feel safe to ask questions about the world. About being a woman. About your very own strengths you hold as a woman.
What are those strengths? They are those of your voice, intuition, creativity, alchemy and compassion. Understanding your very own energy and reading the energy of others. Your Sovereignty. Please know you do not have to think like others around you. You can have a mind of your own. You have the gift of creation, you can bring together what you want for your life because it is already yours. You have to believe in yourself more than anyone because sadly, those around us may not push us to believe in ourselves. Happiness is something that you have to go out and birth yourself. No one will bring you happiness and no one will love you like you love yourself. You will fall, you will fail, you will get your heart broken and you will experience loss. Never reflect back on these times as something negative, as these cycles in our life bring you lessons. You will learn from these life experiences and apply them to your future so you will be step ahead of falling.
Do not be afraid to dream. By that I mean, be authentically you with no apology. Take up room and do not be afraid to take up the whole room if need be. They need to make room for you, never make room for them. Let your voice be heard. You are a leader. Be a teacher but also know when to be teachable. Stand up to bullies. Stand up for change. Stand tall for the people that came before you and the people that will come after you. Baby girl, it all happens with you.
Love always,

Your Empowered Future Self

Dear Leyah,

I write this letter to you in a brief moment of clarity. I’m sleeping beside the love of my life with the golden rays of the sunset complimenting the blue tones in our bedroom in the house we worked so hard to have. This is bliss. I want this feeling forever.

I want to not worry so much about you and what you’re going to do. I want to have confidence and assurance that you’ll be alright. I get so concerned in who you are that I neglect who I am. I work tirelessly to ensure that you will have a good life financially and physically. But I have only recently began desiring peace for you more than anything.

Forget all of the career aspirations, the “perfect” family, the body, and the looks I want for you. I would give all of that away if I had a way to make you happy forever. I want you to wake up with gratitude and not fear the day to come. I want you to enjoy the passing moments of happiness without feeling guilty. I want you to have confidence and assurance in every decision you make. I want you to trust yourself. I don’t want you to speak to yourself so unkindly. I want you to give yourself that same love and gentleness you give effortlessly to everyone else. I want you to trust the LORD more. I want you to feel like you’re enough.

I have faith that you will be so kind and wonderful to everyone you meet. I know that you’ll still wrestle with the demons of the past but I’ll fight them off as hard as I can before they get to you. I want you to know how much you deserve happiness and pure joy. I want you to feel safe knowing that the life you’ve been given is a blessing and that you don’t have to suffer to earn it.

Nothing matters to me more than that. Knowing that my work now will guarantee a great existence for you. But my work will be in vain if you still feel empty most days or if you torture yourself with guilt and stress. The biggest bully you have right now is the one you face in the mirror. The greatest limitation in your life would be gone if I could just love you more.

I’m learning how to love you every day. By the time you read this, I hope my efforts have paid off. But even if they don’t, I need you to know this; You are more worthy than you’ll probably ever be aware of. You should have joy, leisure, and fun. You deserve ease and comfort. You deserve to be happy. I don’t say it enough, but I love you. I will start saying it more to you. Actually, no. I will start showing you. Every day of my life, I will find a way to remind you that I love you and that I care. I will start by prioritizing your peace. This is the least that I can do. So until we meet again, hold tight and know that I’m trying my best for the both of us.

Sincerely,
Leyah 2023

Dear Queen,

I know now you are struggling. Life has been kind but also it there have been furious storms recently. I know even as I use the word Queen you are unsure that you should accept this word yet your head bobs up like a kid swimming in the summer lake with full life jacket regalia on- you are not giving up, you are floating and trying to find the right time to make your big splash and swim through the deeper waters on your own, so you accept Queen. Queen, you got this.

So much has happened these past few years. You have applied for the same job three times because it’s the next step in your career to be tenured as an educator in higher education. You have failed to get the job each time even though you are a huge contributor to the program. The last time it ripped a part of your heart and you’ve spent the year repairing and patching it up again. Rejection again and again can be like a ton of concrete on your heart. It’s heavy. However, you’ve moved it and are repairing. You’ve been able to do some of this work through reflection, through processing grief, and you’ve done some of the healing by being near family, friends, and a good therapist. You’ve done healing through nature walks, where trees let you stop and lean on them and where fields are covered in big skies of cumulus clouds and sunshine to warm you and allow you to continue to dream.

Now, you’re facing this again: a new tenure position application. You are still in your teaching job because you love the definition of what you do, you are engaged as a teacher because you love connection and empowerment, and it is a way to arise above limited systems while existing in a system. The power of teaching is an art. No one can just steal that passion and love from you. You have heard from another friend being a revolutionary in these modern times is to work in systems and create anew. You know this has been history. You swallow the truth. You look to your past indigenous ancestors, you look up to other heroes -Black and Brown and Indigenous sisters and brothers, white allies, women sisters, and lesbian, gay, and bisexual, trans lives – all of those who have been shut down but still rise. Those who have been pushed down but get up and smile more. Struggling, and walking forward is the way – being in safe spaces with support of your loved ones, those who believe in you and where you can keep carrying your light forward. Be in those safe places to not have to fight to stand but to be cherished and delighted in so when you do go to more controversial spaces you have your light to get you through, your stamina still comes from love, your perseverance still pushes you to new places. Do not hold your self-worth to one position.

This tenure: you have applied for. You’ve been here. There are a few dragons up top that you do not get along with, but you’ve learned how to navigate better near the dragons. Maintain some positive affirmations: “I am excited to interview.” “I deserve this” “My self-worth is not attached to this position.”
Many good teachers deserve a shot. The demands of economic security are higher than the positions available on higher ed campuses. Higher education needs a renovation, they need to take care of their teachers – they are failing here, you know this. The majority of adjuncts know this. The students also know this. Quality has been replaced by a factory belt of outcomes. It is all unfair. People are barely able to meet their basic needs –greed is winning. Hope is only in light and innovation.

Queen, you WILL get through this. Do NOT let FEAR win. Hold your head high. Teach. Go forward.
Carry your torch. Carry your truth. Your people are standing strong with you. This position is a small. If you do not get it, you will still carry your light. You will still create paths to uplift. You are a creator because you are a Queen.
Go on, Queen, you got this.
Bring your wand.
Make wonders.

Love,