My Favorite Moment of 2023 – a letter

There are about 8,760 hours in a year, which we break down into 24 per 365 days. There’s a lot of time within a single year, and even as I’m writing this on December 21, there are still so many hours in which things can happen. Looking back at the year from the start to now, so many things could have happened, with many things that should have happened. Six months ago, had you asked me what my favorite moment of the year had been, I’d probably have told you something about a boy, a particular boy for whom I’ve kept my feelings hidden for a long time— naturally when I’ve feared rejection for many years of my life due to unhealed trauma. I spent so many moments with this particular six-foot-something, brown-eyed boy, not all of which were “good” that I could choose from. Perhaps six months ago, I would have told you it was the day I first laid eyes on him, and though I didn’t realize it at the time, my soul had recognized him. The attraction was strong enough that I’d be drawn to him like a magnet no matter how far apart we were. I may have said that it was the first time we ever touched intimately, and I discovered things about me that I did not consciously know existed. I can tell you that six months ago and even now, I would not have said my favorite moments were the ones in which the “friends” I thought I had betrayed me because, in a way, every single one has. I would not choose the moment when the boy whom I cared for so much and was willing to do so much for had played directly in my face and then justified his actions with, “You’re not my girlfriend,” even though the reason why I was upset had nothing to do with him being with another girl and all to do with the fact that he was comfortable enough to do something so disgusting when I was right there, meaning he had absolutely no regard or respect for my feelings, even if I tried to play it off like I had none. We all knew that wasn’t true. I will tell you that all of the “bad” things, the fake friends, the people who only stayed in my life because I had something to offer them but didn’t care about me at all, the boys who touched me without my consent, the ones that used me, that discarded me the second that I was no longer providing what they wanted, the people who would have left me out in the cold without second thought if it meant they’d be warm, were all essential people in my life who played major roles. I will tell you that I have forgiven every single one of them. Not because I believe they deserve it, though I do, or because I miss them, but because I learned that I deserve that same forgiveness from myself for allowing them to do what they’ve done. I can also tell you that it was tough to come to this conclusion, but I did it anyway. After I’d lost nearly everything: friends, family, material possessions, money, and time, I found that I had something even better. Love. Amid the chaos that 2023 had been, I always had a pure, kind, and loving soul. I had cried and questioned the Universe, asking why I had to go through what I did and why those things were happening to me, and for a good while, I hadn’t received an answer. I was close to giving up hope, close to becoming the people who’d hurt me, but I persevered. I wept, prayed, ran from my shadows, and then made the conscious choice to face them, to choose peace instead of chaos, stay true to myself and my heart, choose not to take revenge, and choose to be better. And on December 19, at around 4:25am, I decided to start listening. Not to what other humans would say, not to logic, not to the voice in my head that told me to hate and fear, but to the Universe. I fell into a meditative state, which, up until that point, had always been a little tricky for me. Of course, my mind first traveled to that boy, who’d, for the life of me, never left my mind for long since the day we met. My mind, or perhaps it was my angels, my guides, took me to a place where I talked to his mother, and she asked me, “What is it you see in him?” And the first answer came so easily, “his light,” it’s what attracted me after all, but that wasn’t quite deep enough; there was so much more to it, and so I tried a few more times, his soul, his spirit again— it was certainly not anything he had done for me when he’d done nothing at all, his reputation was never the case as he’s a known player, woman eater if you will. Though very attractive, his looks had nothing to do with it. Eventually, I’d told her, “I see myself.” This realization threw me into a rabbit hole of memories with and without him. I recalled every upset and jealous moment I had of him, seeing him with other girls, how he’d use me for the sake of pleasing others, and I realized that my problems had never truly been with him; I’d forgiven him every single time, but they were with myself. I just refused to see those hidden, shadow aspects that weren’t so hidden but were ignored. At that point, the questions to my prayers had been answered. “Why me?” because I was strong enough to face it; I was strong enough to endure. “Why did they do that to me?” because had they done it to anyone else, they would’ve been met with fear or hate over the kindness and love I’d shown them. I needed to learn to forgive myself, and the Universe used them for that lesson. It was me because my heart and soul are made of pure, forgiving love. I then understood that it was much bigger than myself; I could see how I was pure light for those people, whether they realized it or not, that I was their blessing and their lesson, and they were mine. So, my favorite moment of this past year was when I realized my purpose on December 19, around 6:22am.

I walked into the shelter looking for a friend. I wanted a small dog because I thought I would be one of those girls to carry my dog around in my purse everywhere. I walked around and all the dogs were barking and running around their little enclosures. I stumbled upon you. They called you Oreo because you were black and white. You were curled up in a little ball, not barking, not excited. I thought, “she’s small.” I asked to see you more than through the bars of your enclosure. You stood up as I approached you and I noticed you were a little bigger than I thought. I didn’t mind, you were a gem. Coincidentally, you had a white diamond centered in the middle of the black fur on the back of your neck. We played and you seemed so happy now that you weren’t trapped in there. My little pit bull, so sweet, so sad and so sick. I decided I would take you home. For weeks you were on medication. You were coughing, so much snot was coming out of your nose. I diligently took you to your doctor’s appointments. I was worried and I hoped you would make it through this. Eventually you did. You became so strong and muscular. I wondered how since we went on the same walks, and my legs didn’t look like that. You were now 50 pounds, a long way from the dog that came in as a stray. People say, “it’s so nice that you rescued a dog.” No one ever said how nice it was of her to rescue me. I didn’t keep the name Oreo, you were a Marla Ann. You’re a diva. You sleep with more pillows than people do. You give people the side eye that are acting up. Bikes and skateboards make you feel on edge. You smile when you’re excited. You are always so happy to see me. You always want to cuddle with me, you comfort me when I am sad, when I am cold and when I am happy. You taught me how to be selfless, how to care about something other than myself. I was starting to slip before I found you. You keep me company when I’m lonely, you motivate me when I feel lazy. I may have given you a house to live in, but you made my house a home. I am so grateful for you, thanks for rescuing me.

I have to say that 2023 has been pretty kind to me. It’s been a good year and I’ve embarked on adventures that I never would’ve imagined in my wildest dreams. That being said it was difficult to choose my favorite moment of the year, however one rises above all the others.

Picture this….

It was my birthday. The July heat warmed my face as I woke to the sound of kids playing at a nearby park in the suburbs of Chicago. I was a long way from my home in Maine but it didn’t feel that way because my other half—my better half—my twin sister was sleeping in the room next door. I woke with gratitude for another day, for a new year of life beginning, for the life of my sister (who is my best friend), for the chance to do life together and much more. I say a quick prayer thanking God for these blessings as I soak up the rays of sun shining through the window and wait for my sleepy sister to wake up.

Our first adventure of the day was to get to Starbucks to get our free birthday beverage. As she sipped on her iced caramel macchiato and I sipped on my honey flat white we walked to a nearby nail salon to get pedicures all the while chatting about our hopes, dreams and goals for the next year.

When we reach the nail salon we settle in for some rest and relaxation. I choose a lighter purple color and my sister chose a pale blue color. The shades of nail polish we chose are total opposites, yet complement each other quite well just like my sister and I do. I look over to her as she’s getting her nails done and see her smiling and I smile too knowing that she is happy.

With our tummies rumbling we head over to P-Quads, a deep dish pizza restaurant that both my sister and my dad raved about. As we walked in the heavenly smell of pizza cooking wafted its way to my nose. We ordered a pepperoni deep dish pizza and devoured several slices of pizza before tapping out.

We headed back to my sister’s apartment and got ready for the main reason I was in Chicago (besides seeing my sister) to see Ed Sheeran perform in Solider Field. The previous Christmas my sister had gotten me tickets to the concert. I had waited for this for half a year and now it was here. The anticipation and excitement grew as I got ready.

Before leaving for the concert my sister and I blew out our candles had a few bites of our cheesecakes that we had ordered from the Cheesecake Factory a few days before. Each bite was creamy, delicious and super rich.

Finally we left for the concert. We arrived at Soldier Field and walked up to the humungous stadium. Khalid came out and the excitement was palpable. With enthusiasm and energy he worked the whole crowd. With the excitement at its peak Ed Sheeran came bounding onstage. I could not believe I was actually there, I have been a fan of his for a long time and here he was in the same vicinity as me. You could say I was a little star struck, even though Ed is such a humble guy. More than that a feeling of deep wonder and gratitude filled my being. How this birthday was so different than the last birthday I’d had where I’d spent the day alone, grieving the loss of my grandparents, wondering if I was seen or known. Ed sang his little heart out and the crowd shared moments of joy, laughter, tears as we sang along to his songs. As the concert was about to end Ed instructed us to take out our phone and use our flashlight on our phone and as he sang we waved our phones in the air as we took in the lyrics, the melody, the moment.

I have to admit that 2023 has been kind to me and that there have been many good moments this year, but this one tops them all. It was a perfect day spent with one of my favorite people, treating ourselves, eating good food, and watching one of my favorite pop artists sending lyrics which encapsulate both the beauty and messiness of life into the humid night air. I felt at peace. I felt seen and known in the moment. I could not help but smile from ear to ear and soak in each moment. And even now the memory washes over me and fills me with a wonder and gratitude that I know I will remember for the rest of my life.

Dear Unsealed,

My favorite day in 2023.
I was still recovering from major surgery on May 2, 2023.
I remember that day so well as we
All will remember the day in Sacramento, Cali.
The early flight as early in the am as it could be.
This was my first outing since my surgery in April 2022.
I was honored to be chosen to lobby,
For women’s rights here in Cali.
We met senators, all other elected officials of the beat,
of the capital of Cali.
My first outing had to be dramatic of course,
As this was my first travel of the year
To concur I celebrate May 2, 2023
As happy as I could be,
To spread light, love and peace for equality.
It was a full day of speeches and shaking hands,
Of important peeps as well as the immediate company,
Of my sisters, who flew over with me.
We flew back to Ontario airport.
To confirm our day was complete.
I was happy I must report.
That was fun and work and play,
On my favorite on May 2, 2023
That’s all I have to say about my day.

Sincerely,
Vicki Lawana Trusselli
December 21, 2023

2023

So much happened to me
In this year of twenty, twenty-three.
I got new hips for which to run
Each morning, each day, rain, or sun.
An essay of mine was published in a book.
I’m still quite sure I don’t like to cook.
My father’s progressed illness made me see
How unbelievably fragile this life can be.
Miss Mollie my sweet yorkie-poo
Turned six, in dog years, forty-two.
I ran in many races at varying paces.
And made friends with people from faraway places.
But the absolute best part of twenty, twenty-three
Was celebrating ten years with my wife, Sandy.

To my Unsealed Tribe,

Everyday is a favorite day for me
I opened my eyes this morning and I could see
I could move my legs and stand on my feet
Wiggle my toes
And touch my nose
Use my mind to write this prose

Running water, working lights
Food in my fridge
Roof over my head
Despite my many obstacles
I am not dead.

I can put a smile on my face
Even in the darkest place
Because every day I breathe
is my favorite day

I remember the days
when I didn’t think this way
I remember wanting to hide
And wish the world away

I thought the only way
I could find peace
Is if I was laid in a linen lined box
And placed in a plot
While the words
“With deepest sympathy”
Are recited to my kids and family
And I be laid to rest
“In loving memory”
Yes , everyday is my favorite day

Even when it didn’t go as planned
And even the days I was
Surrounded by my enemies
And out manned

Through every experience this year
I have learned life is grand
And to push away all fear
And run full speed ahead
I dare myself to stay the course
And in every moment, minute , hour
Day and season
That my breathe is more than
Enough reason
To let everyday be my favorite
Even on the bad days I will claim it
You will never grow
If the sun is always shining
And the sky is never raining
This year I learned how to
Not only love the rain
But dance in it
Everyday is my favorite day
Because the breath in my body means I am winning.

Peace and Love

I asked myself, is this real?
this day is truly coming true.
the day where we both step on the podium and look at each other in the eyes,
while we listen to someone else tell us that this is a forever bond,
is this truly happening?
are we truly becoming one?
April 29th two years ago was the first time we kissed,
and on the 29th of 2023, our first kiss took place again,
but now as a married couple,
as a husband and a wife,
how dreamful it was to see your teary eyes,
in a moment where time froze as we held hands and gave each other our vows,
how fulfilling I felt,
watching you place the ring on my finger while smiling as a tear drop came down of those beautiful brown eyes.
How loved I felt when you kissed my hand, and the butterflies in my stomach danced at the rhythm of the pulse in your hands that accelerated when I placed my love in your ring finger,
I will never forget that special moment where the pastor said you may now kiss your wife,
and you looked at me with awe, and excitement and I just knew that this moment of us would forever remain in my heart,
as the day that my best friend and I chose to continue our friendship and created a marriage that might not be perfect,
but it is worth being in for the rest of our lives.