My Favorite Moment of 2023 – a letter

There are about 8,760 hours in a year, which we break down into 24 per 365 days. There’s a lot of time within a single year, and even as I’m writing this on December 21, there are still so many hours in which things can happen. Looking back at the year from the start to now, so many things could have happened, with many things that should have happened. Six months ago, had you asked me what my favorite moment of the year had been, I’d probably have told you something about a boy, a particular boy for whom I’ve kept my feelings hidden for a long time— naturally when I’ve feared rejection for many years of my life due to unhealed trauma. I spent so many moments with this particular six-foot-something, brown-eyed boy, not all of which were “good” that I could choose from. Perhaps six months ago, I would have told you it was the day I first laid eyes on him, and though I didn’t realize it at the time, my soul had recognized him. The attraction was strong enough that I’d be drawn to him like a magnet no matter how far apart we were. I may have said that it was the first time we ever touched intimately, and I discovered things about me that I did not consciously know existed. I can tell you that six months ago and even now, I would not have said my favorite moments were the ones in which the “friends” I thought I had betrayed me because, in a way, every single one has. I would not choose the moment when the boy whom I cared for so much and was willing to do so much for had played directly in my face and then justified his actions with, “You’re not my girlfriend,” even though the reason why I was upset had nothing to do with him being with another girl and all to do with the fact that he was comfortable enough to do something so disgusting when I was right there, meaning he had absolutely no regard or respect for my feelings, even if I tried to play it off like I had none. We all knew that wasn’t true. I will tell you that all of the “bad” things, the fake friends, the people who only stayed in my life because I had something to offer them but didn’t care about me at all, the boys who touched me without my consent, the ones that used me, that discarded me the second that I was no longer providing what they wanted, the people who would have left me out in the cold without second thought if it meant they’d be warm, were all essential people in my life who played major roles. I will tell you that I have forgiven every single one of them. Not because I believe they deserve it, though I do, or because I miss them, but because I learned that I deserve that same forgiveness from myself for allowing them to do what they’ve done. I can also tell you that it was tough to come to this conclusion, but I did it anyway. After I’d lost nearly everything: friends, family, material possessions, money, and time, I found that I had something even better. Love. Amid the chaos that 2023 had been, I always had a pure, kind, and loving soul. I had cried and questioned the Universe, asking why I had to go through what I did and why those things were happening to me, and for a good while, I hadn’t received an answer. I was close to giving up hope, close to becoming the people who’d hurt me, but I persevered. I wept, prayed, ran from my shadows, and then made the conscious choice to face them, to choose peace instead of chaos, stay true to myself and my heart, choose not to take revenge, and choose to be better. And on December 19, at around 4:25am, I decided to start listening. Not to what other humans would say, not to logic, not to the voice in my head that told me to hate and fear, but to the Universe. I fell into a meditative state, which, up until that point, had always been a little tricky for me. Of course, my mind first traveled to that boy, who’d, for the life of me, never left my mind for long since the day we met. My mind, or perhaps it was my angels, my guides, took me to a place where I talked to his mother, and she asked me, “What is it you see in him?” And the first answer came so easily, “his light,” it’s what attracted me after all, but that wasn’t quite deep enough; there was so much more to it, and so I tried a few more times, his soul, his spirit again— it was certainly not anything he had done for me when he’d done nothing at all, his reputation was never the case as he’s a known player, woman eater if you will. Though very attractive, his looks had nothing to do with it. Eventually, I’d told her, “I see myself.” This realization threw me into a rabbit hole of memories with and without him. I recalled every upset and jealous moment I had of him, seeing him with other girls, how he’d use me for the sake of pleasing others, and I realized that my problems had never truly been with him; I’d forgiven him every single time, but they were with myself. I just refused to see those hidden, shadow aspects that weren’t so hidden but were ignored. At that point, the questions to my prayers had been answered. “Why me?” because I was strong enough to face it; I was strong enough to endure. “Why did they do that to me?” because had they done it to anyone else, they would’ve been met with fear or hate over the kindness and love I’d shown them. I needed to learn to forgive myself, and the Universe used them for that lesson. It was me because my heart and soul are made of pure, forgiving love. I then understood that it was much bigger than myself; I could see how I was pure light for those people, whether they realized it or not, that I was their blessing and their lesson, and they were mine. So, my favorite moment of this past year was when I realized my purpose on December 19, around 6:22am.