When I woke up this morning
I didn’t know
What I would come home to.
Where did you go?
There wasn’t a warning
Now we’re all in mourning
Wond’ring if our time was well spent.

Oh brother dearly departed of mine
Why did you leave
Without saying good night?
I was sleeping soundly
When I woke up to a scream
That I swear was you saying goodbye.

As the time passes
We all start to heal.
Except for one brother
Who just couldn’t deal.
Several years later
All that reckless behavior
Just got him a grave next to yours.

Oh brothers dearly departed of mine
Why did you leave
Without saying good night?
I was sleeping soundly
When I woke up to a scream
That I swear was you saying goodbye.

Now there’s only one brother
Left standing with me.
I thought things were fine
Until he tried to leave.
In sharing this truth,
Though closer in youth,
I thought that our time was well spent

Oh brother nearly departed of mine,
Why would you leave
Without saying goodbye?
I thought that only you
Could understand what I’ve been through,
So at least it would be you
To say goodbye.

Author’s Note:
I debated whether or not I wanted to share this with the world. It’s been a part of me for 20 years. It’s one of the most vulnerable parts of me and putting that on the internet for the world to see is intimidating, even as someone who sees vulnerability as strength rather than weakness.

I wrote that second verse when I was 15 trying to make a song out of it, but more words never came no matter how hard I tried. As the inspiration came though me to write the rest this month, I realize now that I had more life to live before it could truly come to life. It needed to be on the back burner all this time to find the full depth of this feeling I will always carry with me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever try to turn this into a song like the original intent. Just writing that last verse, saying it all out loud, and writing this post have brought me to tears more than once. But it felt right to at least bring it to life as is because Jeremiah would be turning 40 tomorrow and that’s the kind of celebration you do big gestures for, right?

25 years without him, 9 years without Adam, 3 years since other things. This kind of healing doesn’t happen without scars. I am the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been in my life. These feelings still creep in now and again. It doesn’t make me any less happy and healthy, it’s just a small price tag to pay for the love I still carry.

Dear Younger Self:

I take one glance at you, and the first words that come to mind are weathered and worn. You have been through so much and have had it sheltered in what you had considered your safe place. I know you were so young so there was no way for you to fully conceptualize the magnitude of everything that was happening to you as you were developing.

Waking up and dragging yourself every day was a struggle. You would beg and plead to just stay home as to not face what was going on with you in school. I could look at your face and see the visible stress that your childhood was causing you.

You went to school only to get teased and laughed at because of your disability. Something that was not your fault and no one else’s fault. You were being neglected and left behind by teachers and the people who were meant to be there as a building block in your life seemed more like a roadblock.

Because of the neglect I felt, my typing teacher called a meeting to tell my mother that I smelled of urine. My mom got visibly upset and said that if I had the help I needed, this meeting would have never had to happen.

I would say that this situation was the turning point that caused you to go downhill as far as depression is concerned. I look back on that version of you, and the first thing I recall is the bags under your eyes from no sleep and your disheveled hair from an obvious lack of self-care.

I can clearly remember when you were begging your mom to let you stay home from school to avoid the overly emotional load and toll it took on both your mind and body. Your parents had to continually remind you of how far you had already come and that you only had a couple of months left.

I knew from the way that you were struggling that months would feel more like years. Thec days were grueling, going from feeling like you were someone important to the feeling that you felt like you didn’t matter to anyone.

These mood swings had your depression declining in every sense of the word. So much so that you had begun to wonder if life was worth living anymore. You came home every single day to put your Lifehouse “No Name Face” CD on and cry your eyes out because the lyrics of every song had an unusual tug on both your heart and mind. You had never felt a connection with a band like this, and you knew that it was something very special. So special in fact that the lyrics from the song “Simon” can be credited with saving your life and bringing you back to life in a way that would become nothing short of a miracle.

As you move on in your life and graduate from high school, this is when you begin to see significant changes in both your behavior and mental health status. You had never experienced such a positive feeling before. College was a turning point when you had a great interest in your social work studies and were fully immersed in techniques to help others while also becoming a better person and working on the prosperous adult you were working so unbelievably hard to become.

Your grades were excellent and you were feeling like a brand-new person in all aspects of the word. I believe that college can also be credited with your positive decisions to keep going no matter what roadblocks you have yet to face. There would be numerous ups and downs, but the good news is now you know how to handle them in appropriate ways.

You should be immensely proud of yourself. You rose up from the very bottom of depression, only to rise as a more confident and loving human being. You did what a lot of other people unfortunately don’t end up doing, and that is surviving the worst moments of your life. You still do not give yourself adequate credit. You are so strong; your strength is your pinnacle. Not enough can ever be said about the way you have chosen to live despite the fact that your disability has taken over your body and stripped you of your once-treasured independence. You always tell others that your patience and laid-back attitude are your secret to happiness, However, I feel that your strength is your real superpower. Give yourself the credit, it is not arrogant when it is the truth.

The past still haunts me when I pull into certain places. I can still feel your grip. I thought I made amends with it, but it still makes itself known as a horrible nightmare that won’t go away. It’s been seven years now and it can still make me cry. You probably don’t even remember.

I had been running errands all day and had to stop and use the restroom. The closest one available was the one I didn’t want to stop at. Damn! That would mean I would have to go out of my way to find a different one. It had been seven years since I had been in that gas station. God, I don’t want to go in there. This is so stupid! Jesus, it’s been seven years. That’s it I’m going in. I am so tired of you still dictating where I go. You probably don’t even remember.

So, I parked my car, and stomping my feet I went in. As soon as the door shut, I was brought back to that night. I honestly don’t remember why you even got mad. Wait it’s the reason you always got angry. Jealously of some made-up thoughts or ideas in your mind of me being with someone else. The funny thing is I was always with you even when I didn’t want to be and that was a lot of the time. I remember you dropping me off at Walmart and threatening to leave me again like you did. So I ran to that gas station. You probably don’t even remember.

You would do that a lot drive around endlessly never taking me home. I felt like I was in your car for days staring out the window…oh wait I was. I remember you asking me “What are you doing?’ I said, “reading all the signs.” I thought if someone could hear me then they would know where I am and maybe they will find me. You know if I ended up dead. You would then threaten to leave me at some faraway place with no phone and no money. Standing there in the parking lot helpless and hopeless. You probably don’t even remember.

God what is that smell…oh I’m still in the bathroom. I was pretty sure you were going to hit me again. So, I locked myself in that nasty stall, so I felt safe. Then the knock came along with your voice and as scared as I was, I let you in. Damn, why did I always let you in? You pushed your way in and grabbed my neck and shoved me up against the wall. I honestly can’t recall what you said. My mind just shut down and then you left. I slowly opened the door and went out I didn’t see your car thank God. So, I ran to Walmart only to find you there. Looking left and then to my right not a car in sight. Damn, why did I always get in? It’s finally starting to fade the memories of you. Thank God I can’t make your face out I guess my brain is shielding me from you.
You probably don’t even remember.

Why can’t I love him?
He makes me all tingly in the morning leaving me begging for more.
Why can’t I love him?
His Cheshier smiles draw me in and hypnotizes me.
Why can’t I love the way he kisses me?
As if my kisses alone are the fountains of youth to my soul.
Why can’t I love the way he speaks?
With that accent that leaves me like putty in his hands.
Why can’t I love the way he cuddles me in his arms?
He shields me from the world.
Why can’t I love the way he laughs?
His laugh Ignites a spark in my heart that brings me pure joy.
Why can’t I love the way he takes care of me?
He makes me feel safe for the first time in a decade.
Now tell me why I can’t love this man.

Today I was driving rushing and running on my 30-munitue lunch break. Hurring to get back to work to eat my fried shrimp and for a moment I thought I saw you. For the first time I didn’t get scared. Anxiety didn’t run the show, and I didn’t have to stop my mind from going down that rabbit hole. Instead, I parked the car smiled to myself the biggest smile and almost cried. Not because I am sad but because for the first time, I didn’t get scared. I realized just how strong I am and the scars that you left have healed. I didn’t get that pit in my stomach, and I didn’t lose control. I held my head high, stood my ground and I didn’t have to fight with my former self. For the first time in 6 years, I didn’t get scared. Anxiety didn’t run the show, and I didn’t have to stop my mind from going down that rabbit hole. Today was the day I realized I was free.

My grandfather Dr.Leroy Pike taught me Many things and one was too NEVER GIVE UP, If I ever needed help with a project, he didn’t care he was there, and I ALWAYS WON, with his help,I was in highschool and my grandfather saw my classes I was taking for the following year and he KNEW I was better than that, so he went and challenged me and I was in highschool only 3 years, My senior semester, we got word he had Cancer, WOW, I remember hearing him cry and I knew Real Superheroes cried, he got to see me graduate Highschool and was at my wedding, but sadly 3 years later on that very day, he would pass away, ITS BEEN 16 years and there’s NOT A DAY goes by I don’t think of him.God knew I only needed 1 Grandfather and HE WAS and still is My Superhero

Every day the search is so real
In obvious, yet often vague fashion
The path is forever passing through
Mirage and tangible peaks and valleys

When molehills turn to mountains
When that oasis ahead offers nothing
Only barren and deserted ground
The insurmountable desire to fade becomes
An obstacle we struggle to overcome

Every day the struggle is sincere
How to permeate and see beyond
Our perceived vision of that molehill
The lying mirage we cling to in hope
Of quenching that continuous thirst on the journey

Strive to find the meanings lying in wait
Infinite is their patience the meanings exists
While often not simple the reward is priceless
Knowledge is power and awareness the weapon

Search and struggle brings truth
Even if only your own to hold
Because at the end of every path we choose
Is a new one only you can walk

Kosmic_Kachina2469

I felt like my death is long overdue
I use to enjoy life when I was with you
Look into my eyes and what do you see
Just the leftover mess of what you made of me

As memories turn to lessons i look to see life in a new light
Fighting back my nature to not let my love turn to spite
Despite my best efforts i still was not enough
Tell me was what we had ever real or all just a bluff

I gave you all i had in spite of my status
But despite all that you painted me red black and blue like i was your personal canvas
As i pick up the pieces of whats left of me
Will i finally find myself and be set free?

My shadow looked at me and said:

“Live.
I am gone and there is nothing you can do about that.

No matter how many tears you shed
lingering on pages bleeding in forbidden ink,
you cannot bring me back.

My time here is done and I have ascended
into the graceful arms of the great goddess above

but you…
you are still human,
so act like it.

allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of human emotions
without letting shame and guilt beat the humanity out of you.

you are allowed to be broken
you are allowed to be sad
you are allowed to be happy
you are allowed to feel it all.

you are allowed to be confused
and wonder why the same
patterns keep showing up in
a different hue
(until you’re ready to do something about it.)

You are human.

Abandon your fear of fear
and accept that abandonment
fucking sucks.
But please understand,
that I am so sorry for abandoning you.
it was the last thing I ever wanted
but you know that we are not the ones in control

Accept that more lies in between
the lines than your eyes can see
and that’s okay.

Chase after your dreams of being
a wanderlust,
and getting drunk on a flight
every time your soul attends its own funeral.
Because unlike me,
you are still human.
and you still have so much life to live.

I’ll always be with you.
I’ll always love you.
I’ll always be present in your poetry
cheering you on along the way.
patiently waiting for you
to wake up to everything I’ve
dreamed and set in place
for you to achieve for b o t h of us.

Our string may be invisible,
But it is still intact & attached to the cloud I float upon.
the one you only see in your dreams
where the moon is playing tricks
with the shadows.

Death is nothing but the entity needed to bring us closer.
so place, do not carry sorrow with my name.

Instead let genuine kindness
blossom in my likeness.
Show them that the whims
of performative niceness
are shallow because
kindness has no malice
or hidden intent
it exists because it is.

And I existed until I didn’t.

But guess what,
you still do!!!
So please
continue on
because
I love you.
and you deserve to be truly,
genuinely,
unapologetically
happy, too 🙂

Jae,
Two years came too soon and on this day, I choose to honor you.

I started as a Seed just as those did in the Field before me;
During my time in the Womb of THE GREAT MOTHER-our MOTHER,MOTHER EARTH-I’ve witnessed The Beauty of Spring;

The Field in Bloom with many shades of gold;
Soon I would be a part of The Ballet the Sunflowers did as they danced in The Breeze of The Spring;

And then I came along;
My Roots were well Grounded and yet I struggled to grow;
I thought it would be easy being a Sunflower, but Oh, did it require so much;
But I wanted to Dance, and so I Bloomed;
And I Bloomed;
And I Bloomed some more;
And I Bloomed some more until I finally reached The Sun, it’s Rays shimmering across my Petals;

Wrapped in its embrace, I smiled;
The Sun smiled back at me and said,”We’ve Danced many Dances, and we shall continue to Dance many more. Now, my love, its time that you return to The Fields for the remaining Seasons”;

I returned and continued to Dance during the Summer, my Petals still full of The Essence of Spring;

I began to lose some of my Petals and their golden hue during The Fall, but still I continued to Dance with The Essence of Spring in my heart;

Winter came and I saw less of The Sun;
It felt too cold to Dance, and yet I mustered the strength within me to bring Winter the Essence Of Spring;

With my brownish, withered body, I Danced until my Petals were no more;
I collapsed to the ground;
Mother caught me and said,”You’ve Danced beautifully My Child. Now, you must rest until The Next Spring”;

As I began to close my eyes, a Ray from The sun shone upon my Petals;
I looked to The Sky to see The Sun smiling at Me;
My last breath drawing near, I smiled back at The Sun and said,”I look forward to us Dancing again”