I’m learning how to receive
I’m not there for the harvest but i take part in the seeding
Watering fickle trees
I play in the dirt on my hands and knees
Grounding in a foundation that works better for me

Dearest readers,
Mozart once said “The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between.” And in the world we live in today, music is everywhere! It’s in the trees, when the birds sing, when the wind blows and even in big cities like NYC! I feel most at peace when I can hear music in my everyday life. I love trying to figure out the melodies in nature and I love trying to hear every day songs in those melodies also. Music has always been a huge part of my life and I hope it never goes away!!

I feel most at peace when the rumbling of my conscious cease. It’s always been me and my nibbling conscious, spilling words from my psyche to the ink from this pen. It’s Sunday morning and my heart has been ash gray since last May and somehow it’s May again… and somehow I’m here again.

It’s always been me and my nibbling conscious and though she is my closest friend, she is always nibbling… always rumbling… always… always… And she’s loud I may add… and she’s angry I may also add… but more than anything, she’s suppressed, I will lastly add. And maybe rightfully so.

It’s always been me and my nibbling conscious and on those rarities where she is still… when the rumbling quiets down and the ash settles… I feel peace. When my conscious ceases and I’m able to pick up the peaces, that is my peace.

I am a snowy sculpturer
Carving waves of welding down the chute

I spy a young racer
riding a magic carpet for the first time
Into the bluebird forest

A witch floats overhead
Mesmerizing us with her backflips and wildcat ways
A chef making pizza nearby devours every bite

As each dreamer creates their own masterpiece,
I inhale frosty air
and transform into a helicopter
Gliding uphill and experiencing the aerial view
In all its wonder

I arrive at the white crown
And dismount
A new friend emerges, a snowcat,
She welcomes me with champagne

Encouraging me
to savor each elevation
and remind me halcyon days are here

Like cars on a highway,
time goes rushing by.
There is so much going on,
that often it gets pushed to another dawn.

Between everything going on in a day,
it is often hard to remember what others say.
Repetition and writing it down is helpful,
so we are not as forgetful.

Sometimes more action is needed,
so that memory can be succeeded.
Relaxing the body and the mind
is a good route to find.

What works is different for each.
For me it is the beach.
The soft, shiny sand
is one part as it sticks to my toes and hands.

Other than bathing in the sun,
there are many other ways to have fun.
I always have been someone to love the ocean.
I incorporate it into as many activities as I can.

The sun on the water glistens
as you awe at it and listen.
Like someone abruptly leaving,
the power of water makes it not always pleasing.

The waves constant back and forth is expected,
however, the currents can be unexpected.
This combination makes the ocean soothing
while also making it perplexing.

Add the birds and laughter
all through the atmosphere,
and I am put in serenity
when I am in an ocean’s vicinity.

When the sun beams
down, the sand gleams.
With the sand gleaming and the water glistening,
the body and mind relax and become fully positive thinking.

The beach makes me tranquil,
and it helps me return with an improved memory and drive still.

He goes for a run 
So I lay in his bed and stared out the window
I watch the wind move the grass, the flowers, the weeds in the garden next door 
I’ve been in a season of cover songs
So I play one I know will make me think and feel and yearn
I’m so acutely aware 
Of how present moment I am 
And I never want to forget it. 

I never want to forget the smallest of moments I felt safest in. 
I never want to forget in the moments of terror, depravity, and heartache I’ve lived; there are moments of peace in the easiest of places if I want to pay attention 

A neighbor’s flower bed
Feeling the wind’s chill through an open window under a lover’s blanket 
A new take on an old song that blows your mind 
A quick phone call to a loved one ending in an “I love you, goodbye.”
In giving and receiving space for and from others
In recognizing I’m allowed to take up space.

today i found new places i wish to kiss you
where the trees kiss our faces as we walk by
our bodies sway with the bamboo
the rustling and crunching of our feet in the leaves
joining the birds in song
our hair mingles with the grass
our bodies intertwine with the vines
our lips touch like the petals of an iris
puckered like the center of a daffodil

delighted by the scent of the cherry laurel
almost as delicious as the scent of your skin
the taste of honeysuckle on your lips

we lay under the cherry blossoms
in the petal-dappled sunlight
we speak soft words of adoration
our bodies melting together
sinking into the dirt
returning to the earth

Time unlimited
When it is at its weakest
Unlimited Time

Fendi and Gucci are idolized
remaining sane is ostracized
when you stand up against the man, you will be demoralized
my pain runs deep like it’s crystallized
I can’t even front I became hypnotized
I can’t run forever, shit, I’ve already been traumatized
I’m in therapy, like bankruptcy to reorganize
my life changed when I prioritized the beautiful sunrise
it is in this time I came to analyze, and visualize my next sacrifice
I plan to live forever in this paradise

I know you’re thinking about who you will become & what you will do.
Little me, know that it’s all up to you.

Know that sometimes things will get rough.
People might tell you that you are not tough.
Little me, know that you’re more than enough.

I know that the future can make you worry.
Life passes so quickly that it can be blurry.
Little me, know that there’s no need to hurry.

You have time to figure out your career, 
so remember to always just let God steer.
Little me, with Him, there’s no need to fear.

There’s no need to fear the unknown,
before you know it, you’ll be all grown. 
Little me, you won’t have to do it alone.

Life will be hard, but don’t be scared.
You’re not alone, I am always right there.
Little me, I promise I’m not going anywhere.

Dear little me,
I am stopping by to say:
“You no longer have to carry the heavy stuff; I am here now.”
The things that concern you about the future, are being worked out and in favor of your purpose. Worry not! The character traits that you think are your weaknesses turn out to be your strengths and little lady you’ll develop quite a knack for playing to your strengths. Your uniqueness has been the most uncomfortable part of your childhood/adolescent years and yet will be the very thing that has a positive impact on every room you enter in your adult life. Even the parts of you that struggle with the complex nature of your emotions and being vulnerable with others, find a way to be so transparent that it’ll become your most powerful tool for growth and development. You lack the ability to see your inner beauty because you are not confident in your external appearance. However, this is soon to be counteracted by your love for individualism and fashion. Then enhanced by your spiritual practice of accepting yourself at every stage and season of your life. Falling in love with your mind will do wonders for your level of communication and understanding self. Therefore, understanding others better. The fear that you’ll be lazy or unproductive is a complete myth in the future. You hold the title of “Jill of all trades” and at a point in your life, you wear roughly three different hats a day. Every goal you set out to accomplish, you execute. Be not so hung up on deadlines. ALL happens in proper timing. No need to worry. In the future you find it in your heart to celebrate the life of your mother opposed to being consumed by the pain of her passing. You learn to be grateful for everything you have in advance and the balance of every season because you find acceptance of your favor. As the saying goes, “To whom much is given, much is required.” You grow into a conscious, accountable, wise, intentional and highly creative young woman. Worry not my love, you are a warrior!
I Love You….
Though you don’t always feel loved, know that I love you!

No one saw you stare out that window
And lose yourself in the wind-
They never noticed those blades for nails
You replaced to survive while
Replacing such horrors from your fairy tales
It is your escape now, and you’ll understand soon
Those birds that nest in your bed
Are vultures and they tear you to shreds;
Just because they are blood does not mean you owe them love,
A myth that is destroying you,
You have every right to be confused and to cry
In the arms of yourself when Mom’s not around
That animal breaks all your bones,
And while she wastes time out the house,
Your fear is his throne;

And while he cries wolf
You lick your own wounds
That doctor who should’ve protected you
Feeds on your pain-
Lovely girl, people are refusing to see all those
Horrors inside your world
Like the monsters that hide under a child’s bed when they sleep
Though it would always be a dream,
For you this is different
And people aren’t who they claim to be
The one in your closet is real
And it’s scary
And you’re anything at all but the cage of a word “crazy”
I know that your memory is hazy
Just know that doing nothing to stop it
Does not make you lazy
Oh Ellie, it makes you stronger than diamonds
And shinier than gold
And brighter than the shooting stars you wish upon
And a price that can never be sold;

You pray every night that those monsters that
People call blood are nothing but
Swordsman with the kindest of words
You make sure to name every name of these people-
Who claim that they love you,
And Baby Girl, I hate to break it to you-
But love does not mean begging for forgiveness,
And it doesn’t mean letting him have his way with you,
And it doesn’t mean accepting that maybe you’re worthless,
Because you are anything but this
Ellie, your light is so much bigger than
You dare to understand
It makes sense that you throw it away
Don’t blame yourself for feeling cold
You lose yourself in the plaster above you
Because it’s all you’ve ever known;

Ellie my dearest,
You’re a princess in shining armor
Etched in perfection
It’s not their business what lives beneath that skirt-
And please do not blame yourself for
Not knowing why this is happening
And when they tear at your gowns
Just know it is FAR from flattery
You are beautiful and chosen
The fabric of life that you’ve woven
And the seams that they’re ripping with ease
And with greed and while crying
They destroy your castle of a body
Ellie, you’re not a temptation at 8 years old
You were also never asking for it
You were just doing what you were told;

And Ellie my love,
Your lips were crafted to bring judgment
Speak poetry
Sing sonnets-
Your hands were made to paint murals
Build castles

Change planets-
Your mind has been gifted to hail justice
Fight fire
Love endless-
Ellie I promise you this:
It is going to be okay,
Someday you’ll be safe,
You’ll get it when you’re 20 years old,
And you only have the animals to blame.

Sincerely, You from The Future

Hello, 
Little girl with a dream & a hope for a better tomorrow:
I see you sitting there on the porch steps crying as your parents seem to be crashing down behind you. 

One thing that you don’t get told enough is that you are bright, you are smart & that you are beautiful but most importantly…. 
You have the rest of your life ahead of you. 

I understand that this life does seem like a strange dream indeed & that sometimes it feels like there are two strangers inside of that house fighting but I see you holding everything in your arms that you’ve held onto for all of these years so far… 

A pink rabbit, well worn at the face with so much love that you’ve carried her with you & you named her Pinky many years ago. 

When the screaming gets louder, just hold her tighter. Allow her to soak up your tears when you don’t have a shoulder to cry on. 

As you go through life you’re going to face the turbulence between your parents & you will learn what it’s like to feel the room before even stepping into it. 

Take everything for what it is but never identify with any of it because these are all just growing pains my love. 

What doesn’t kill you tonight will make you stronger tomorrow, 
I promise, Rocky. 

The day will come when you put Pinky on the shelf for the final time & you will pull out your pen & you will bleed out everything on paper that this life has inflicted upon you through pain & agony, generational curses, but only you have the power to change your own outcome oh young eager mortal who just yearns to learn more about life, God & what it all even means. 

One day, you will be able to walk through those same flames that are behind you right now & you’ll be able to acknowledge reality for what it truly is & you will look into the flaming eyes of those demons without backing down or feeling triggered.

You will find your own fire within those flames & you will find your voice to speak your own truth. 🖤🔥