I don’t know why she’s in my arms now.
She’s just as rigid as she ever was.
Not even blood pools out her private body,
She thought she’d save it for her wedding day.
The rocking chair creaks like a mourning dove,
The mourning doves are gone.

I wanted to write you before she was gone,
But the shotgun smokes black, but I’ve done it now,
but I’ve done it raw. Above, a mourning dove
Groans like a dying girl on her wedding day.
The bullet hole is just as gaudy as it ever was.
The rocking chair thrusts in and out like a body.

Do we ever get the nerve to look at our own body?
If the mourning doves are gone,
Should we mourn for ourselves? Will our day
Of reckoning smoke black like a gun? Now,
she’s in the garden, just as soft as she ever was.
Now, the lillies are screaming like a mourning dove.

Will Jesus, Son of God, mourn us like a dove?
If a fallen angel comes, will they touch our dirty body?
Is it just as raw as it ever was?
The morning doves are gone,
I wonder where they’ll fly now;
There’ll be no blood for them, or a wedding day.

I never loved the girl that we buried. The black day
sinks into my lap like our gun. A mourning dove
Murmurs our name to Jesus. We’ve done it now,
Will we do it again? There’s no such thing as a private body
anymore. I rock in the rocking chair. I’ve gone
back and forth like I never was

Rigid. I’ve gone back and forth like I never was
Soft. When you read this, will you remember this day
Like a wound or a moan? Have you ever gone
Back to her body? Do you have the nerve to look at a dove?
Did the Lily’s in the garden grow from her body?
I hope you’re chuckling in the rocking chair now.

She’s just as rigid as she ever was.
The rocking chair creaks like a mourning dove

We could have bled on our wedding day,
But of what use is a private body?

The mourning doves are gone
My shotgun’s hot, I’ve done it now.

Dear Future Hannah,

I hope you are living the reality that I have worked so hard to gain for you.

I have been doing the hard work of healing, so that you can know what it’s like to be healed.

I am making meaningful connections with others so that you can enjoy community in the good times, and lean on them in the bad.

I am a student in the school of forgiveness so that you can be free from the chains that have bound me.

I am discovering who I am so that you will be confident in who you are.

I am nurturing my relationship with Jesus so one day we will see His sweet face.

I am asking myself the hard questions so that you can stand confidently in the truth.

I am finding my voice so that your voice can be a continuous roar.

I am learning to take care of my own needs so that you can be the healthiest version of us that you can be.

I’m acknowledging our inner child and learning to honor her and what she thought she had to do to keep us safe.

I’m learning how to let go of mindsets and beliefs that no longer serve me so you can live an abundant life.

I am planting the seed so you will bloom and bear fruit.

I am coming to love myself so that you can love yourself.

I am mourning what I have lost while simultaneously finding joy in what we still have.

I am honoring the past while at the same time looking forward to the future.

I am being pruned by the Master Gardener so that we can grow.

I am hurting and healing,

Bending and breaking,

Loving and aching,

Laughing and Crying,

Remaining and Transforming,

Listening and Observing,

Coming and Going,

Maturing and Growing.

Lest you think your life will be perpetual bliss, I want to warn you that you’ll have your own share of trials and tribulations to face.

See this thing called life is a wild ride with many twists and turns, and ups and downs.

It is both messy and beautiful.

Try to live in the moment.

And when times are tough I hope you fight for the future version of you just as hard as I’ve fought to make this possibility a reality, to get you to where you are.

I hope your love will be something fierce

That you will realize that you make this world a better, brighter place.

That you will continue to try and mend hearts that you did not break.

That you will understand that deep grief and incredible grace can coexist.

That you would not dwell on all the work you still need to do, but that you would remember all that you have already overcome

And sweet girl if there is anything that I wish for you and your heart and your future it’s this:

That you would trust God with them.

And that you would feel comfortable to be authentically and unapologetically you

That you would celebrate how fearfully and wonderfully 1 you are made.

Good luck. Know that I will always be rooting for you.

With love,

Feet grounded to the shore as ocean bubbles wash over your toes
The tide pulls away and the sand beneath you sinks
Gold flickers of sunset warm your shoulders
Your gaze follows the endless sea of blue
Who is on the other side of that sea?
What waves must you endure to meet them?
Or is the someone on the other side of the sea
Who you will become along the way

Adventurous thinking can inspire you to chart a course
But imagine if a message in a bottle floated to your feet
Embellished with your name and a plan
And the words read:

Hello old friend,

I’m happy to know you are thinking of me. This affirms that you are still on your journey to me! I know that life has been a constant flux of certainty and uncertainty, but I want you to understand that this is because you are consistently pushing yourself towards growth. I remember the struggles that you are going through right now clear as day, I still carry them with me. Not because they are heavy, but because they are meaningful. They hold weight in your existence and give you a sense of momentum. I know you see the destination; you make sense of the mess and connect moments to give purpose. This is one of the greatest skills you can develop: to work with the flow of life and give it meaning. Your continual cultivation of working with that flow, meaning making, and growing is why I am writing to you now.

You’ll be delighted to know that life here is beyond anything we ever imagined together. There are more adventures, connections, and peaceful moments than we believed possible. As much as I want to detail every little bit of joy, I don’t want you to get distracted by the wrong things. I can assure you in the clichest of ways that everything will work out. This is exactly why I am so excited for your arrival, but also in no rush to see you. I’m exercising patience as you continue your journey because I have accepted that there are many endeavors you must undertake before we meet. I can wait confidently knowing that each of these undertakings brings you one step closer on your journey to me.

During your journey, take breaks when you need them, but please remember I am anticipating our union. I expect you to keep a steady and focused pace because we still have a lot to do, and I can’t get started until you arrive. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts, and I can’t tell you what to do next, however the list of items you will need for your journey are as follows:

a strong mind
a creative essence
a loving heart
a persevering soul
a sense of humor
a load of gratitude
and a purpose

Wishing you the safest of travels

Love,
Future You

Emboldened by an inspiring familiar
Guided by a gentle proposal
Will you take that journey to the other side of the sea?
To the other side of yourself?

Dear future self,
I actually finished this poem. May this pave the way to bring more completion to our path. Our story has been a series of starts, stops, twists, turns and falls, but now, the math is starting to math.
I imagine you’ve come a long way from feeling stagnant. I hope that feeling stuck is just your sign to pause and enjoy your life. I pray that the only time you feel lost is in a book. I long to see you cry from laughing too hard and your knees hit the dirt only because you dove through the finish line.
I hope your words served you best. I hope you found a chest to lay your head against and it is filled with treasure. I hope your fire never dies while you splash through puddles of at your leisure. I also want you to know that it paid off to be alone. How else would we have known how precise to build our throne?
I pray for you often and, in my heart, I know you’ll be okay. Your strength will always push you forward when your world is frozen in place. Your wisdom will always wait patiently for you to notice when you have strayed. I could bottle every one of your tears just to witness their beauty and redemption. I would listen to every story that they tell and the praises they would mention.
I’m doing the work so that my scars won’t cast shadows on your shine. I know you will continue to make those around you feel electrified, but don’t let anyone get in your way, not even me. I ask this small request. Will you still hold my hand when I can’t see? Will you always give your best? Can we still make silly faces? Tell inside jokes and get plenty of rest? Will you keep me from getting lost in spaces with things that bump in the night? Will you promise not to let anyone else dim our light?
I want you to know that I have started to believe in us. I refuse to give up on our future, and I exercise more trust. I apologize for repeating the past and allowing the overthinking and the agony to last. The times that we connected, I was just happy to meet you, forgetting that you were there to teach me not to let my fear bleed through. As we cross over to 30, I look in the mirror everyday and see a force, a beauty, and a flame. You are a masterpiece, and your life is the frame. My heart is full just thinking of how amazing you must be. Even if nothing changes, I love you just because you’re me.
The road I travel will always bring me closer to you. Knowing that you will always be, is enough. Enough to keep going, to endure and allow others to help me too. I imagine you growing into yourself and tossing potential out the window. All you have to be is yourself and allow real love to make its intro. You deserve it, and always have. Continue to never let these folks tell you what to do. You are still Daddy (inside joke), and I will always love you.

Dear Past Me

“I want to tell you not to get lost in the petty things”- okay actually you know I just couldn’t resist finishing that with a Taylor Swift lyric but, girl you did do a really good job not getting lost in the petty things. I’m writing to you because I wanted to thank you for doing all the heavy lifting. I know it wasn’t easy-it gets really easy though. I know there were times when you doubted yourself, when you hesitated, when you didn’t trust your instincts. I know this letter finds you at a time where you feel a little lost, I want you to know you’re doing everything right and it works out. You’re learning to embrace the lost feeling and appreciate the journey. I think that may be the biggest thing you have left to learn-keep going. I take the lessons you learned with me every day and am grateful that you created me.
I know you don’t really know me yet, so let me tell you what all your hard work does and who you’re becoming. I am a recovering people pleaser- don’t roll your eyes at me- I am you, remember? Dude, I know that it is so hard to admit because it feels wrong. You have always been a strong hyper-independent woman- how could you possibly be a “people pleaser”? You can be and are both of those things. You’re kind, loving, empathetic, caring, patient, and love to build connections but, you got lost in that. You were so focused on connecting with others- you forgot to connect with yourself. I don’t do that anymore because of you.
I don’t take responsibility to regulate others emotions, I don’t excuse behaviors because I empathize with them, I make myself my first priority when making all decsions and best of all I don’t feel any guilt when I do this. Actually quite the opposite, I am very proud. I won’t lie. It does get rocky for you and some people in your life can’t handle this change. It may feel really hard but, those are the people who were taking advantage of your people pleasing abilities. As your therapist says “they smell it on you” and you’re good for people and make their life better so when you start to prioritize yourself those relationships shift. Now I only allow people in my life who love me for who I am not for what I do for them and that has cultivated an incredible community around me.
The relationships in my life are flourishing. I am surrounded by people who also prioritize themselves and understand that it is the least selfish thing you can do. They have their own passions, hobbies, creative endeavors, music tastes, book tastes etc. I know that I don’t have to love all of those things to love them and that they will still love me regardless. I am able to share the things I love with them, without fear of any judgment. They will listen to me talk about Taylor Swift and how I “share my fire” in dance class and encourage me- not because they love it too but because they love me and support me.
I believe people when they show me who they are. I especially believe them when they tell me who they are *coughs clearing throat*. Not naming names on who wouldn’t listen but, now I know when someone tells you five times by the second date that they’re an asshole don’t argue, they’re an asshole. That person was generous; most people don’t come out and tell you. I let people’s actions show me who they are; I listen, observe and react accordingly. I see things as they are in the moment, not for what they have the potential to be.
I don’t stifle myself to better fit in. It’s good that not everyone likes me. The most important person in the world loves me, is proud of me, finds me hilarious, we go on adventures, visit all the coffee shops, try new hobbies, reminds me I am safe and doing okay. It’s you; you’re the most important person in the world. I am because of you and I will always protect you.
So again I want to say thank you. Thank you for doing so much for me, because of you I am living life wholeheartedly. You learned the importance of living for yourself- and just by being you, you have changed the world. You embrace your fear, you are vulnerable, you are not afraid of failure, you share your story. Living this authentically catches on.

Love Always,
Future me

PS: I know I kept things very vague but, you’re still writing the story I’m not going to give away the ending!