Dear Life,

I need your help. Lately, I’ve been feeling so confused that I struggle to explain it. Is there something wrong with me that I can’t see? I can stay motivated physically and mentally, but my mind feels blank. How can I move past the smoke and mirrors that people say surround me? Most of the time, all I see is my routine, my possessions, and my kids; nothing else seems to matter. I often feel backed into a corner when faced with questions, and I don’t know how to respond. I’m unsure how to process anything, work on what’s important, confront issues, or do things as a simple person would.

People ask me, “Is that all you want? Is it to do the same thing every day and be alone?” I’ve told myself that I crave company, but I’m uncertain if I can trust anyone ever again. I keep comparing potential partners to my past experiences, and it feels as if my negative thoughts replay painful memories, leaving me scared. Why can’t you lift this block from my mind and help me discover what I truly want? Why didn’t you give me the ability to recognize my mistakes and understand that my actions can hurt others? Please help me stop along the way before it’s too late.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I realize that I’ve built walls around trust because of you, and I find myself yelling in my mind that nobody cares about me. So, why should I do things for others? I know you’ve been observing everything we do, but I wonder where you were when I was growing up. If the right things had been instilled in us, perhaps we could have made better choices and changed our futures. But now I wonder if it’s too late.

Can you help me? I don’t want to lose everything I’ve built and start over. I want my partner to understand that I’m here and not going anywhere. I’m ready to fix things so that you can have what you’ve always wanted. Do you hear me now, my mind?

Sincerely yours,
Your Body

A woman sits with a blanket to bear. She sits and sighs, wondering if the depression is ever going to end. She ran out of her medicine and had no way to replace it. Her impacting bubbles escaped her unsettling mind. She couldn’t figure out how to keep everything going around her in check. As the space fills with time, she asks herself many questions and writes down ideas, but the more she tries, the more she feels like everything has been tried and worn out with no one listening and no one wants to find a way to come together to help.

Dear Dad,

On this Father’s Day, I wanted to share a message of love and appreciation with you. Thank you for everything we have been through together. Through the ups and downs, I’m grateful that you’ve always been there for me and have never let me down.

I know I haven’t always turned out to be the person you might have hoped for, but I appreciate that you didn’t hold anything against me. Instead, you gave me a chance to learn and grow, even when you disagreed with my choices. Your acceptance means so much to me.

I cherish all the conversations we’ve had while I was growing up. While you are my dad, as I got older, you also became an example of how a partner should be to me. Your actions and the way you treat others, especially women, show your kindness and dedication to making people happy. That is truly special.

I love the father figure you’ve become, and anyone would be lucky to have you as a dad. Please don’t ever change the wonderful person you are. I want you to know that, no matter what I do in life, I will always be your daughter. Although I may not be able to do much for you this Father’s Day, I hope this message and letter brighten your day.

With love,
Your Daughter
Samantha

Dear Mental Health,

I wanted to reach out and ask, “Do you exist?” Growing up, I experienced difficulties in school, and I understand that not everyone grasps things right away. But why did you have to bring us the gift of different emotions?

I know that these illnesses, as you refer to them, affect everyone, but do they come in different categories? Are they randomly assigned to each person out there? These are questions I’m eager to understand, but perhaps that’s the mystery, isn’t it? Why are some of us chosen to face these challenges? I never asked for them, and I’ve always wondered if I could have been given different conditions. Perhaps that would have led to a different life for me—who knows?

Thank you for considering my thoughts.

Once upon a time in a cozy little town, there lived a man named Zack who adored his cat, Tigger. They were inseparable, sharing everything from lazy afternoons on the chair to playing video games. The only problem? Zack had a knack for making the most outrageous jokes about his feline friend.
One sunny afternoon, Zack’s Cousin Jake came over for a visit. As they settled in with snacks, Jake noticed Tigger lounging on the windowsill, looking particularly regal.
“Hey, that cat sure is a lazy king!” Jake chuckled.
“Lazy? Nah, just well-fed!” Zack shot back with a dramatic flair, “Why, if I were hungry enough, I might have to serve him up with a side of meow-tatoes!”
Jake laughed, “You wouldn’t dare!”
“Oh, come on! Just imagine the recipe: a pinch of catnip, a dash of fish sauce… I call it ‘Tigger à la Zack!’” Zack grinned, mimicking a gourmet chef.
Tigger, unimpressed by the banter, lazily blinked and turned his back.
Zack passed, and one evening, as Zach prepared dinner, he noticed Whiskers watching him intently. “What’s up, little buddy? Planning your escape?” Zach joked, eyeing the cat. “Don’t worry; the last thing I want is to eat my best friend! Though you do look quite tasty in that sunbeam.”
But as fate would have it, Zack’s playful comments soon turned against him. That night, after a hearty meal, Zack plopped down on the couch, feeling a bit too full. Tigger, sensing an opportunity, hopped onto Zack’s lap and settled in for a cozy nap.
In a mischievous mood, Zack whimsically told Tigger, “You better watch it! If you keep snoring like that, I might just give you a nice little sauté!”
Suddenly, Zack’s stomach let out a loud grumble, and he declared, “Oops! I guess that’s my ‘cat’ ringing!”
A bewildered Tigger lifted his head and stared at Zack, probably thinking, “Did you just insult my cooking skills?”
From that day on, every time Zack joked about eating Tigger, the cat would puff himself up and slowly back away, tail flicking, as if he were plotting to outsmart his goofy owner. After all, he might be soft and fluffy, but he wasn’t about to become anyone’s dinner!
And so, the two continued their playful banter, with jokes flying around like confetti, but neither ever seriously considering the other as a meal. Because at the end of the day, Zack knew deep down that Tigger was not just a pet; he was family—one that was not on the menu!

To my oldest daughter,

You’re approaching a significant milestone this year, and I can hardly believe you are getting ready to turn 15 and start your freshman year of high school. I want you to know that, despite the long and difficult journey we’ve shared, my love and feelings for you will never change.

I admit that I made some mistakes when I was younger and that I wasn’t fully prepared to be a mother. However, my experiences with you and your siblings have helped me make better choices for you. I want you to know that I will be here for you as much as I can to support you in your career choices and make that next phase easier for you.

As your birthday approaches and you continue to blossom into a young woman, remember that you are ready for whatever comes your way. No matter what you choose to pursue, I will love you unconditionally. Even though I may not be around 24/7, I’m just around the corner.

I love you.
Your Mother

Dear Unsealers, this is a story about a girl who started her school journey with many possibilities until she found the one piece that changed her life forever.

Sammie was in the process of just starting her sophomore year at high school. She ended up finding herself a whole new bunch of friends, activities, a whole new bunch of choices that she overwhelmed herself at first but she figured out she was going to just wing it and see what she could get into even though her freshman year didn’t start too great after her relationships got the best of her but she thought to herself not to worry there were new things out there to explore so she didn’t mind what she was going to endure next. She couldn’t believe that after her classes were set in and everything, how the lunch program was set up with different times, it was like, well, why can’t everyone in the school eat together, but they say there’s not enough time during classes for everyone to be put together. Anyway, besides her exploring the different outcomes for friends she ended up one day during an afternoon recess she was chatting with one of her friends and she stumbles across the gym and saw a bunch of students playing around in the gym she assumed it was p.e class but she for a split second something caught her eye and her friend was wondering Sammie who are you starring at and she told her that she was looking at someone that piqued her interest and she asked her friend who was he? Do you know anything about him? She started laughing and telling me things about him, but we ended up getting caught by Zack and one of his friends looking at us was wondering who that girl was staring at me and why. We started leaving from the gym doors, and she kept thinking to herself Wow, I like the way he looks, his smile, and laid back personally. She wanted to know, but she wasn’t sure where to start. She ended up, however, getting lucky in the next few days. Zack and Sammie ended up reconnecting during a PE class together and had to spend it outside on their course track. They started talking as they were walking towards the bleachers they couldn’t believe they were laughing about how they kept looking at each other and she started spilling her guts about how she makes her feel cute and attractive, and the other things about him that made her light up but she started to notice how he would just sit there smiling, blushing with everything she said and he started muttering about his life talking about what he likes and so forth. As they were walking they were discussing if they wanted to begin something but they weren’t sure but she felt something starting to happen inside of her and she decided to go through it but she, however, wasn’t sure if he had every intention as she did but after a long talk they decided to start dating on what they noticed was funnier they ended up looking at the time when they walked back to the class that it was their friend’s birthday today so they said look our anniversary will always be April 24th after that they ended up being inseparable. They both started every day by talking, texting, hanging out, you know the drill, but they ended up hitting a huge snag during school time. She ended up figuring out she wanted more of the relationship. She wanted to always be around him, and she wanted to get to know more about him, but she noticed, especially after he graduated from school 2 years later, that the attraction started dying down, and she wanted to know why. She found out at first that his family was working all the time and he wasn’t old enough to drive yet, so she figured that he couldn’t see me as much, so she brushed it off her shoulder for now, but as time went more, they were happy together. Even though at the time he was working she felt like he made the time the best he could to see her, call her, and text her it was like she was doing all the work including having to get in the middle of his parents and his cousin to spend time with him cause she was in the same predicament at the time he was the only flaw on her end was she was living with her parents at the time and even she had no way to get to her love so want she wanted to explore more and open into she couldn’t get her answers. So, during her last round of school, she made the worst decision to drop out of school even though her peers and teachers kept putting the idea and guilt in her head that she was so close to finishing Sammie was determined after failing her 1st 6weeks course and her senior project scared her into finishing her school year. Even though later on she admitted to Zack that he was the main reason why she left school. She said she felt that he was a big piece of her life, and since that was the only way they could honestly see each other and spend time with him, that was the only way their connection got stronger. She felt that since he was gone, she couldn’t focus on what was more important to her. So she ended up dropping out of high school and tried to focus on her next choices for her life, but she mostly paid attention to how to figure out how to spend more time with Zack while he was struggling with his work and family. As time went by, Sammie ended up losing her home, and she had to go to a program with included housing, and at the time, as she was working on herself, she was mostly focused on more of her relationships. She was still having problems with Zack. She ended up finding out more information about him than she ever prepared herself for. As it turns out Sammie’s identity that Zack knew about surfaced to his family and they weren’t happy that he wanted to be with someone like her so in time she noticed that things were drifting more apart once she confronted him about why he told her that I wasn’t really happy being with you my family said that you should only love me no one else I wasn’t ready to communicate with you, move in, or anything. I wasn’t ready to give up everything I had for you. Sammie dropped everything suddenly and was thinking a lot, but ended up saying what she felt. How could you say that? I did my best to be with you. I wanted us to spend more time together, spend nights together, and see how things with us were going to be being around each other more to see if we were ready to expand further, that’s all she wanted, but that wasn’t the case for him. So, after heated words were thrown around, we decided after 3 years to end everything and just be friends. Sammie ended up resenting him for a while, but something in her heart cared about him so much that she always ended up talking to him and checking on him every day as they both moved on with their lives. During their time apart, they ended up going through different locations and different people, and even brought new additions to their lives, but something ended up tying them back together. She ended up after a hurricane destroyed her life. She ended up one day going to visit Zack at his new location to find out that he was just living his life day by day. He was doing alright, just working and taking care of his new children. She sat down and explained to him everything she was going through and what her next steps were after the hurricane she endured blew through everything she was taught, she had, and everything was shattered. They talked about possibly reconnecting, but this time, everything was drawn out to make sure this was what they wanted to do. She wasn’t sure what he was thinking, even though he said everything about how he was feeling about it. They decided to leave everything that they had dealt with behind and started to try again. She couldn’t believe that everything was going to fall back into place. She kept running thoughts through her head like were things going to be different this time Were our connection that we have going stronger Were we going to be happy together were we able to produce our family Further Many questions were soaring through her mind but her worst part came true when she was making her dreams happen the hurricane came back through and it was trying to destroy everything more Sammie was trying to do to make it come true but the rain from the storm was manipulating everything in place. Zack went in and protected her by blowing through the storm and helped Sammie move everything in and get them set up for the next questions in her journey. As to this day, they have moved to another location, added a furball addition to their journey, and they are going on 19 years of best friend relationship and 3 years of a connecting marriage.

Let it burn in your throat.
The emotions from your heart, rising like a flood, and pushing to the surface,
threatening to break the dam behind your eyes, a release of flowing tears.

But the dam holds, forged of learned silence— a wall built by the hundred times your voice found no echo, no gentle hand to meet its reach.
What’s the use of a flood when the world’s ears are stone, its eyes, a blank stare?

So you let it burn, this defeated truth, a scalding current trapped behind your teeth.
It twists, while your mind raises a quiet question: why does caring cost so much, when it lands on nothing?

And the fallout?
A hollow hum where laughter used to be, a heart that learns to beat softer, to guard its own light, because sharing only dims it.

And so the fire stays, cemented, a constant, private ache— a monument to what was never heard.

A deep current runs, unseen, yet always felt, beneath the calm surface, where dark secrets dwell.
A fading light, a choice once made, the crushing weight of what was, now laid bare for me. A quiet struggle with a shadow’s rise, on a stage where eyes meet the skies. A constant hum of endless need, Questions linger, like seeds to breed. The fragile shield, nearly worn through, a blessing turned to burden’s hue.

Then, a sudden chill in a shared space.
A word like a stone cast into the waters.
The bright colors of belief now muted.
A question hangs, unheard: Is this real?
And so the mind gently retreats, a soft step back, drifting motion, no turning back.
With the body present, moving throughout the day, while consciousness finds its own distant shore a walk to a necessary vanishing, a breath of nothing.

Underneath this skin
lies uncertainty wanting clarity
fear to put one step in front
sabotaging energy
love from own heartbeat
overload of anxieties
overwhelming sensation
of healing clogged pores

Underneath all the wounds
lies beauty in progress
strength in training
courage in action
love in veins
clarity in pores

Oh brain
why must you
feel this pain
I try to heal
the cause root
even when its
been a long commute

why must you
choose to be blue
when it leaves
for an overcast
type of mood

I wish you
would simply calm
when gently rested
on my palm

I would like to share a magical moment that has become a delightful part of my life. It’s been nearly a year since my husband and I decided to add a furry member to our family: our cat, Tigger. He is an orange tabby with a very unique personality. He loves to sniff you, rub against you, and meow loudly whenever he feels ignored.

Since we’ve had him, Tigger has developed a bad habit of trying to escape and sometimes goes missing for a day or two. He can also be quite destructive, scratching up furniture, messing with the blinds, and clawing at the windows. Despite these quirks, he is very lovable. He meows at you, snuggles next to you, and follows you to the bathroom. He definitely makes his presence known whenever you try to work.

So far, Tigger has been dealing with fleas and ticks, but ever since he started his new medication, he’s been doing much better. Even though he can be a handful at times, we love him no matter what, and we’re grateful for the happiness he brings into our lives.

This is a story about a man who wants to live a simple life without any complications. From what I have observed, he enjoys playing games, watching TV, and getting high from his medication. However, when it comes to taking care of the house or resolving issues, he prefers to do everything his own way. He is unwilling to listen to others’ thoughts or opinions and rarely allows anyone to have a voice.

What doesn’t make sense is that he claims he only wants someone who will work and bring money into the household. It seems he wants everything handed to him without giving anything back in return. He believes that money is the key to making relationships work. Based on what I am reporting, do you think he truly wants to be with someone? In what you read, do you honestly think he really has mental issues, or is he actually happy with what he has chosen? How can you go into determining those struggles when you have them yourself?

You, my sir.
Yes, you.
There’s going to be hard days.
Even easy days.
You, the person reading this,
Has the opportunity to make
The day a great one.

You, my sir.
Yes, you.
Of course it’s going
To be full of ups & downs.
That’s the beauty of life.

It’s your duty as a human
To break the negative branches
And build such glory
From the leftover twigs.

You, my sir.
Yes, you.
I believe in you.
I see you.
I love you.

Change. It’s a part of life.

Seasons change- the sun stays out longer, the leaves change colors and fall, the snow and ice melt, the plants begin to bloom again.
Humans change- as the years pass every person matures physically, socially, and emotionally.
Technology changes- new ideas develop and old ones are updated.
Culture changes- music and fashion fads become popular, then fade away, and sometimes come back again (though not all of those things should. Looking at you, fanny packs).

But, like it or not, ready or not, at some point everything changes.

Modify. Replace. Fade. Update. Improve. Decrease. Alter. Develop. Transform. Revive. Correct. Shift. Amend. Vary. Fluctuate. Tweak.

CHANGE. Everything changes.

I hate it. I hate change. I always have. Even more than hating change, I hate not seeing a REASON for the change. Which makes it difficult sometimes, when the Creator of the universe doesn’t think I need to know the reason, or at least not at the moment I’m asking for it.

I think this opposition to change first started when my family moved away from my childhood home at the end of 7th grade. Try telling an emotional middle school girl, who was very comfortable in her small Christian school and church, that she was now one of 500 kids at a new school where she knew no one. Needless to say, it didn’t go over well. Fast forward eight years when my parents decided to move again, this time, right before my senior year of college. I was so angry. Not at my parents, really, but at God. I felt he had ripped home away from me the last year I really needed it. It took months for me to get over that anger. Those two moves were defining moments in my life (more on that later). Looking back 21 years and 13 years respectively, I can see how the Lord worked both of those moves out for my good. (Funny how He always seems to do that). He used change to direct my life where He needed it to go, but at the time, I didn’t like the change.

Change. It’s a part of life. It’s a part of MY life. But for some reason, it has felt like this year has held more change than ever. Changes I can’t seem to understand. Changes I don’t want to understand. Change. I still hate it!

However, as I continue to wrestle through that ever-present loathing of change, I am beginning to see a thawing in my attitude towards it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still not a fan. But, throughout this year, I have tried to more purposefully and consciously look back on what the Lord has done for me. As a history teacher, this was easy. I love looking back on the past. It is literally my job description. I now have 34 years to look back on and see how God has wisely and lovingly guided me through numerous expected and unexpected changes. My goal in the coming years is to remember that history. I spend my days telling kids to remember what He has done…it’s time I took my own advice! I have no better way to sum up this new focus and attitude, than a favorite quote of mine from the Chosen. Earlier this school year, I started to watch the Chosen for the first time, after years of one of my friends encouraging me to do so. I have not regretted it. In the Chosen episode when Peter walks on water, and Jesus pulls him from the waves, Jesus holds him tightly in the boat, and says to him, “I have much planned for you, Simon. Really hard things. Just keep your eyes on Me.” That quote has played over and over in my mind in the months since I first saw that episode. But now it has MY name in it. “I have much planned for you, Jessica Dawn. Really hard things. Just keep your eyes on Me.” Like it or not, ready or not, at some point everything changes…but you know what? I serve a God who is unchangeable. That thought grounds me more and more the older I get. MY Jesus “is the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Hebrews 13:8)!

A year ago, just a few months before my 33rd birthday, I sat down and wrote, for lack of a better phrase, a personal historical account. A record of several specific ways I had seen the Lord give me the “desires of my heart” (Psalm 37:4). I am not going to rehash that whole account (if you are interested in reading that, I might be willing to share). The purpose of this account is to explain how some of the things from last year’s account have already changed, and what the Lord has taught me through those changes. What I did last year was make a list of all my responsibilities at school/work and prioritize them based on what I felt the Lord had called me to do at that point in my life. Below is an excerpt from last year’s previously mentioned “historical account”.

I want to be the absolute best middle school history teacher I can be. I have a few specific goals to work on in my classroom in the next few months to make that a reality. I want to be a better basketball coach, but more purposefully seeking out the girls on my teams who need the Lord and discipling those who already know Him. I want to keep serving the Lord here in Wilmington. I’ve struggled with this thought throughout the last couple years, about whether this is where I need to stay, but over and over God has made it clear- WIlmington, NC is where I’m supposed to serve. WCA is where God wants me to be.

Shocking no one, the top two most important responsibilities on my list were teaching history and coaching basketball. It’s been that way since I was in 4th grade. I’ve never had a question mark behind that statement. God wants me to teach history and coach basketball. Period.

Looking for it, or not. Change comes.

That has been the unexpected theme of my Year 33. I started last April with a heart fully dedicated to being purposeful in the areas God had called me to serve, and I do believe I have done that. But in the midst of that passionate pursuit to be purposeful, He threw me a curveball. Several curveballs actually, and the first one was only a month after writing my Year 33 “historical account”.

After much prayer and consideration, I decided not to coach basketball this school year. Anyone who truly knows me, knows how hard of a decision that was to make, and how massive of a change that was in my life. Honestly? I struggled internally with that for months and barely spoke about it to anyone. I had peace about it when I made the decision, and I still have that peace today, but that change was so hard to process. Again, I don’t like change, especially not when I don’t see a good reason for the change, which was the case in this situation. I still do not have all the answers for this one, and that’s ok. God never promised to give us all the answers. Habakkuk is a great example of someone who never got the answers to the changes he saw, and “yet,…” (Habakkuk 3:18), he focused not on the changes, but on the God who allowed the changes. Later, Paul encourages us to “set our affection on things above” (Colossians 3:2). Or as Jesus tells Simon in the Chosen, “Just keep your eyes on Me.” I love basketball, and I love coaching, but the Lord needed to teach me some things off the court this year, and I am going to walk forward confidently in this change.

The second major change began just a few months after my decision to step away from coaching. I knew from before this school year ever started that I would have to make a decision about whether I believed the Lord still wanted me at WCA. This one is hard. Wilmington is my home. I have moved so many times in my life (the two mentioned at the beginning of this document was only the start!). God must have smiled on 13 year old Jessica crying about leaving Chesapeake, VA because He knew He’d be moving me ten more times…well, Eleven. For the past eight years, I have known beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Lord wanted me in North Carolina at Wilmington Christian Academy. But with just as much confidence, I now know, my time at WCA has come to an end. The opportunity to teach with my Dad and Mom up in Green Bay became available and I know the Lord is calling me to take that opportunity. The Lord is moving me…again. Processing this change has been tough. There’s a lot of feelings that have been rising to the surface as the school year has progressed that I do not like (for example, the tears running down onto my t-shirt as I write this). And yet, in the midst of my emotional processing, I have a peace “that passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7). I honestly can’t fully explain how confident and peaceful I feel about this decision, but it’s there. Please do not miss the irony of this situation, because it certainly has not been lost on me! Thirteen years ago, I was ANGRY at the Lord because He called my family away from Wilmington to go to Green Bay. We had only been in Wilmington for eight years, and I felt like I had been there my whole life. Wilmington WAS my life. Eight years ago, God brought me back to Wilmington as a teacher, and it has been wonderful. This was my “dream job” back in high school. I am so grateful for the time God allowed me to minister at WCA. But back to the irony… Now I have also made the decision to move away from Wilmington, my home- to the SAME place God took me kicking and screaming thirteen years ago. Again, the Lord must have smiled down on 21 year old Jessica knowing full well that the next time He asked this change of me, I’d respond differently. Wilmington will always be my home, but it’s time for the Lord to use me in a new ministry.

Just one year ago, I had several emphatic periods at the end of my purpose statements. I KNEW I was right where God wanted me to be. Little did I know those periods were actually supposed to be commas.

Modify. Replace. Fade. Update. Improve. Decrease. Alter. Develop. Transform. Revive. Correct. Shift. Amend. Vary. Fluctuate. Tweak. CHANGE. Everything changes.

I may not like change. I may not understand it. I may not be ready for it. But my God is unchanging and THAT is where I rest and find my peace in the midst of my questions and confusion and emotions. I was not prepared for either of these massive changes, but in closing, I want to challenge you with one more thought I have stolen from the Chosen and made my own. Matthew, the former tax collector turned disciple, tells a Roman officer that when he finds himself clouded with confusion, he stops and reminds himself, “I only have one thing to do today. Follow Him. Everything else seems to fall into place.”

This is the second year I have now written a “personal historical account”, reflection and purpose statement to guide my next year. Year 33 was my purposeful year. I am sitting here at the very beginning of Year 34, which I am now going to call my immutable year. It has been said that “there is nothing permanent in this world, except change.” Maybe that is true. But my goal this year is that I will continue to fix my eyes on the Old Rugged Cross as I seek to be faithful to the Immutable God who has given me the opportunity to serve Him. If I want to be like Jesus, that means, being immutable. Seasons, humans, technology, and culture changes, but my God remains the same- and asks the same of me. “Be ye steadfast, UNMOVEABLE, always abounding in the work of the Lord” (I Corinthians 15:58).

“I only have one thing to do today. Follow Him.”

Hello there sunshines, I am here with some great news you can naturally overcome depression and anxiety. The bible teaches us how to naturally balance the positive and negative emotions in our lives. It’s ok at the darkest moments In Our lives to go to the doctor and get the help needed at that moment, he made doctors for a reason. What’s not okay is to rely on that medication to fix al of your childhood and adult relationship traumas. God has walked me through deliverance and a Beautiful way to enjoy life, focus on self love and hear his voice and tune out the world. Here are some tips on how to live life to the best of your ability on a budget. First find a job that u enjoy not have to show up to everyday ,but want to show up to and take pride in your work daily. Second find an area where just u and God can bear each other’s voices. God showed me and my sister in Christ this past year so many ways to see and appreciate his beauty from door dashing, in multi states ,to visiting museums and botanical gardens, to Learning about plants animals and history and it was a great stress reliever. Everyday for the past year doordash paid for our museum trips ,air b and b , and food and gas as we traveled America. We stayed in the tri state area and everything was within four hours of home.Our daily budget for spending was 20.00 most of the time it ended up under that price range. The third thing God helped me with to not be stressed and depressed was laying all of life’s problems at his feet and he gives us rest as it states in scripture. Picture yourself with one carryon bag then another suitcase and before u know it your carrying the entire planes luggage. This analogy is our lives we tend to worry and fear and pickup baggage that doesn’t belong to us. Cast your cares upon him and he will give u rest Amen. The fourth way to get rid of anxiety and depression is by using sensory things from your environment. This consist of smelling hearing seeing tasting and touching. I find for me nature walks running waterfalls and rivers,coloring on sidewalks with chalk, photographing nature and just being youself in general, traveling to local places, interacting with animals both tame and wild, and social distancing when needed work best. When noises around us are loud and overbearing putting on headphones and listening to something encouraging helps. Get in the habit of finding the daily verse that speaks life and encouragement into your soul and live out your purpose, 💓 u are loved I pray this helps the mass numbers and you can get peace in your hearts and enjoy your life much love and light 🕯️

Dear Lord,

We’ve had a lot of talks lately. Some good, some not so good. I’ve prayed for a couple ambulances and high schoolers and the parents for the infants at my school.

I’ve prayed for less anger, more sleep, less anxiety about the world. For the United States, for Gaza, for Syria and Lebanon and Yemen and the Congo…

For guidance.

I’m not the best of Jews, I know that. I don’t eat kosher like I should, I often forget my nightly prayers, I work on the sabbath. I know I’m not the best.

I try. I fast and I repent and I want to learn more about you Lord. I feel like the older I get, that I feel closer to you. I pray to you in good and in bad times. Our relationship has its valleys and mountains but I know you better. You’ve always known me though.

There’s a lot of suffering in the world. Time is marching backwards underneath my feet and I feel like I cannot make the world stand still. Or continue the original path or rotation. I pray in the hopes that you will be able to guide the right people to the right paths soon. Existence is a form of resistance, right?

Poetry feels a lot like prayer. I take a pen to my carotid artery and bleed all over these little letters, in hopes that it will string together coherent words. Using a young language to spill these feelings that I’m not quite sure have names. I pour it all out, I step back, and realize the feeling is duller now that it’s no longer in me.

That’s what prayer feels like to me.

I don’t know why, Lord, you made me this way. I know there must be a reason, there’s always a reason but I cannot see it. And I want to see it. I know you don’t make mistakes but— why do I feel like I am one?

I don’t feel like a good sister, a good friend, a good daughter, a good lover. I feel like I’m selfish. Spoiled. I demand too much. Give too little. A hypocrite. A liar.

Sometimes I don’t feel human. I’m so angry sometimes, Lord, that I just want to scream!!

Sometimes I just wanna grab someone and slap the living shit out of them. I wanna make someone feel as horrible as I do. I want them to feel every punch, kick, stab, slice, grope and rape that I have experienced. Then I feel horrible for wishing this fate on a nonexistent person and I pray for forgiveness. I know it’s an intrusive thought, I know I’d never do such a thing. But it kills me when I think about it.

There are times that I wanna go into an empty field and just scream into it. Sob as hard as I want for as long as I want. No one to eavesdrop, no one to watch. Just lose it fully for once.

I need that.

I’ve prayed to you about some things that I didn’t mean. I prayed to die many times. I know you know I didn’t mean that, which is why I’m still here.

I’ve prayed why my boyfriend doesn’t love me. I know he does, I just wish I could feel it like I know it. He adores me. He loves me. I need a little help remembering that Lord. If you have the time to spare, I’d greatly appreciate that.

I think- I think I struggle to believe I can be loved. Years of hurt can do that to a person. I try so hard to make sure those I love never feel the way I felt. Unlovable. Broken. No longer human. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a relationship outside of my childhood best friends that made me feel like a person.

When my boyfriend and I started dating it felt like someone had reignited a previously stamped out candle. Now the wick is burning but there’s no wax to cling to. I am so fucking lonely G-d. If you ever have a spare moment, enter my dreams and remind me that I am not alone. Remind me of my partner, my brother, my friends. Remind me of the job I love, the life I’ve chosen, the skills I possess. You’ve got bigger things to worry about than me, but I’d like to not be forgotten. Don’t forget to remember me in that whirlwind of human chaos you’ve come to know.

I know that I just have to grit and bear some of it like a big girl. I know that I have to fight. But I— I don’t have a lot of fight in me right now.

So Lord, if you could do this for me, I’d greatly appreciate it. If you could instill in me the need to fight, the need to claw my way out, I will claw my way out.

Amen,

Dear Me:

You’ve come so far, you’ve struggled hard,
Yet somehow you’ve gone nowhere.

You’ve been in love, you’ve been a friend,
But still can’t find someone who cares.

It’s not your fault, you’ve tried your best,
But just can’t help to feel ashamed.

You broke their trust, they broke your heart,
Still you are not the one to blame.

Your roads been rough, your feet are worn,
Yet you still walk through thick and thin.

You deserve a break, you deserve to live,
Stuck in the past is where you’ve been.

You do know better, you know right from wrong,
Yet you still make the same mistakes.

But you do you, you must go on,
It’s your strong will they cannot break.

You’re a good man, you’ve just made bad choices,
Don’t let them be what defines you.

You write these words, you know them well,
Don’t let bad vibes be the ones that find you.

Just be yourself, and love yourself,
Slowly one day things will get better.

You can do this it’s the choice you made,
When times get tough just read this letter.